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Lonely and needy

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Posts: 181
Topic starter
(@tracyann)
Estimable Member
Joined: 16 years ago

I hope someone can help. I get in despair in relationships. I feel guilty of driving men away. I can be balanced for a while but I will suddenly feel threatened in the beginning of a relationship, send stupid clingey texts and they obviously back off. I wonder whether im crazy. Everyone seems to have fulfilment and a life, but I don't. I spend lots of time alone but only really feel happy when I am close to someone. Hardly ever as I seem to get drawn to men who, however nice and caring, don't have enough time for me. I feel like I'm getting crumbs all the time, and seriously see no way out and it scares me.

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amy green
Posts: 2258
(@amy-green)
Noble Member
Joined: 18 years ago

I doubt that you will like reading this but the solution is to be happier within yourself, i.e. not to rely on someone else as a foundation for your happiness. Being alone can mean solitude rather than loneliness - it depends how we get on with ourselves, i.e. are we nice/a friend to ourselves or what?

If you can become more harmonious and enjoy your own company, you will be less needy and react in a less urgent manner to potential dates. It feels too full on for someone new to be too intense and I guess you know that much already.

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Energylz
Posts: 16602
(@energylz)
Member
Joined: 20 years ago

Everyone seems to have fulfilment and a life

You might think that, but in truth many people are putting on a front and have plenty of their own issues; only they don't publicise them to everyone in everyday life, so many people do go around with a front that everything is just fine and dandy with them.

As Amy says, be happy being with yourself, and when the next great guy comes along, just be happy to be with him when you are and happy to be by yourself when you're not; then he'll feel like you're happy to give him space and he'll respect that and let you have your space too. Of course any new relationship is a time when you'll be all excited and want to do everything with them all the time... but perhaps just take a step back and breath.... for your sake and his. πŸ˜‰

All Love and Reiki Hugs

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Tashanie
Posts: 1924
(@tashanie)
Noble Member
Joined: 14 years ago

Insecurity is a dreadful thing - but it is more common than you think. . So don't assume everyone else is wonderfully secure and fulfilled. We ALL have our own hang ups.

I wonder what it is that made you feel threatened in the first place tho. This kind of repeating behaviour is driven by your subconscious - and it is trying to protect you.. The good news is these kinds of repeating behaviour patterns can be changed. But it will take some work with the right kinds of techniques.

Ultimately the solution IS to be happier with yourself.......but you won't be able to achieve that without working why your subconscious is causing you to act this way. But it can be done.

You might find the emotional freedom technique helpful. There are videos of it available online. But it could be helpful to go to a hypnotherapist or EFT therapist who can teach it to you and help you start working out why you are so insecure. There will be a reason. If you look up EFT online but want a little help with how to use it feel free to pm me[

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Nah¬meed
Posts: 89
(@nahmeed)
Trusted Member
Joined: 13 years ago

Speaking as a male.
Clingy women to some men come across as high maintenance.
However be carefull of wearing your heart on your sleeve as you are obviously a sensitive soul.
Some men will see that as a way of manipulating to perhaps get what they want and tell you what you want to hear.
Also try not to come across as two confident as some men find it intimidating.
I agree with Amy.Spend some time on your own.Reinvent yourself and if you are approached by a male and they ask you for your mobile refuse but get them to give you theres and you might ring if you remember.
I think its true that men always want what they can,t have so go to the same place and for a few times leave on your own i promise you will start to attract a more sensitive type of male.
My idea of meeting a attractive women obviosly after the physical atrraction is to have a intelligent conversation with instead of the sexual inuendo.
Bearing in mind i am 48 years old so that last statement may be down to my age.This is not a sweeping statement about men its based on me personaly.

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Posts: 181
Topic starter
(@tracyann)
Estimable Member
Joined: 16 years ago

Thanks everyone for your kind replies. Guess I've been on my own a long time and enjoy my own company. I only stopped enjoying it as much when I realised I might always be alone - I am older now and it starts to look and feel like failure and massive disappointment, to everyone as well as to myself. When I see everyone around me paired off etc and I just can't settle.

I am unhappy at work and feel ostracised and this has an impact, but am trying to work towards something new.

I did play it cool with this guy for several months; that still didn't work. When I say play it cool I mean waited for him to demonstrate that he liked me enough, and I guess it got better but never quite enough, and I went ahead anyway. There is only so much celibacy that feels natural and if you are very attracted to someone - for me anyway that is a rare feeling.

Thanks Nahmeed I think I may come across as gullible and men can manipulate me. I need to be stronger and more in control. I have a bit of this feeling now, after it has happened. It's true that I can only learn from it and not get so entangled again.

I tried EFT once before but didn't like it, it seemed pointless. I am interested in hypnosis or EMDR perhaps. Feel I need something. I read about homeopathic remedies as I know I am quite emotional, and think they might help but at the moment can't really afford any kind of therapist.

Yes I'm willing to spend time on my own, but I already do. I need to learn to brush myself off and get over these things more quickly; it once took me four years to go out on a date again. So I don't think spending time on my own and getting to know myself is really the issue here. I feel my feelings to a great extent and don't do anything to avoid them. I just lose control when it comes to relationships; when someone is there I can't be bothered suddenly with my own life and just want to be with them. I think that's fairly natural to an extent but I probably take it too far.

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Tashanie
Posts: 1924
(@tashanie)
Noble Member
Joined: 14 years ago

T

I am unhappy at work and feel ostracised and this has an impact, but am trying to work towards something new.

I tried EFT once before but didn't like it, it seemed pointless. I am interested in hypnosis or EMDR perhaps. Feel I need something. I read about homeopathic remedies as I know I am quite emotional, and think they might help but at the moment can't really afford any kind of therapist.

Hypnotherapy would be ideal for you IMO. EMDR is useful for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.If a particular distressing memory is a problem it could be very helpful. I hope you can find the help you need.

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Posts: 181
Topic starter
(@tracyann)
Estimable Member
Joined: 16 years ago

Hypnotherapy would be ideal for you IMO. EMDR is useful for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.If a particular distressing memory is a problem it could be very helpful. I hope you can find the help you need.

Thanks. I will look into this. Why do you say hypnotherapy? Because I am having these overreactions?

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Posts: 181
Topic starter
(@tracyann)
Estimable Member
Joined: 16 years ago

Thanks. I will look into this. Why do you say hypnotherapy? Because I am having these overreactions?

Maybe it's an unconscious (and often also conscious) fear of intimacy. I have always built these walls up around me and felt unacceptable to others. Also then afraid of them making me feel like that, as people probably pick up on that.

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Tashanie
Posts: 1924
(@tashanie)
Noble Member
Joined: 14 years ago

Thanks. I will look into this. Why do you say hypnotherapy? Because I am having these overreactions?

Because hypnotherapy is fantastic at helping people break unhelpful patterns of thoughts and actions. Plus hypnotherapy can help you understand WHY you developed the pattern in the first place - which can be helpful in putting new better patterns into place

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Crowan
Posts: 3429
(@crowan)
Famed Member
Joined: 14 years ago

Soul Retrieval is also likely to help.

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Posts: 181
Topic starter
(@tracyann)
Estimable Member
Joined: 16 years ago

Maybe I just don't have the emotional strength for relationships. Or for adult life. It just seemed the right thing because I liked him a lot. But a bit of my heart seeped out. I don't think that's what he wanted. I don't understand how men can appear so cold. Been crying a lot today despite trying to stay positive.

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Mrs. S.
Posts: 138
(@mrs-s-3)
Estimable Member
Joined: 10 years ago

Maybe I just don't have the emotional strength for relationships. Or for adult life. It just seemed the right thing because I liked him a lot. But a bit of my heart seeped out. I don't think that's what he wanted. I don't understand how men can appear so cold. Been crying a lot today despite trying to stay positive.

Hi TracyAnn,

Not all men are 'cold.' Only this particular one that did not resonate with you in the way you wanted. You have a lot of life to live and that means meeting people of all descriptions. Some will not resonate with you or you with them, some you will resonate with, but them not with you, etc. This happens between friends of the same sex even, when one wants or needs 'something' that the other isn't prepared to give and then the whole thing ends up being 'cold' on one side. I have had first hand experience of that.

I agree with the other posters here who have indicated that being yourself, finding yourself and what makes YOU happy will eventually bring you that happiness. Don't depend on someone else for it; you being happy only enriches a relationship (friend or lover) and will bring something quite different and enhancing to both your lives. I was alone for many years, sometimes in a relationship, sometimes not but it was always about 'being myself.' Eventually I met my husband who came to me when I least expected it but because we had both been alone beforehand, brought a special something to the marriage.

What I would say is this: go out on your dates with the purpose of enjoying yourself, first and foremost. Having a shared interest helps when forging a relationship. If you feel he doesn't share your resonance, then keep as a friend if you want. You will meet someone who shares your values, sometimes when you least expect it.

Good luck, dear lady.

Love,
Patsy.
xxx

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Posts: 181
Topic starter
(@tracyann)
Estimable Member
Joined: 16 years ago

Thanks Patsy, that is very helpful.

I have been doing a lot more work on myself/reading and feeling my emotions instead of ignoring them, recently and although it has been painful at times I feel more whole when I do that.

I felt bad about my behaviour and the fact that texting was a lot of the communication with this guy so I contacted him to ask to meet up, thinking he would say no but he didn't and so we met up and it was really nice, without too much emphasis on what had happened but just the fun as we had had before. This has made me feel better because I can trust my feelings a bit more, knowing that this was something positive that a part of me tried to destroy, so I am working on this aspect of myself, in particular on anger and why I get so angry and moody with people sometimes, especially with myself.

I have decided especially to concentrate on nutrition and a healthy lifestyle, and on all relationships, to try to get to a happier place and enjoy life. I have been there before but I think I just forgot how, because of stress/loneliness/disappointments which seem to have left many scars. But I can't let go of that spirit that was within me before, as that is really giving up and letting my demons take over.
x

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Mrs. S.
Posts: 138
(@mrs-s-3)
Estimable Member
Joined: 10 years ago

Thanks Patsy, that is very helpful.

I have been doing a lot more work on myself/reading and feeling my emotions instead of ignoring them, recently and although it has been painful at times I feel more whole when I do that.

I felt bad about my behaviour and the fact that texting was a lot of the communication with this guy so I contacted him to ask to meet up, thinking he would say no but he didn't and so we met up and it was really nice, without too much emphasis on what had happened but just the fun as we had had before. This has made me feel better because I can trust my feelings a bit more, knowing that this was something positive that a part of me tried to destroy, so I am working on this aspect of myself, in particular on anger and why I get so angry and moody with people sometimes, especially with myself.

I have decided especially to concentrate on nutrition and a healthy lifestyle, and on all relationships, to try to get to a happier place and enjoy life. I have been there before but I think I just forgot how, because of stress/loneliness/disappointments which seem to have left many scars. But I can't let go of that spirit that was within me before, as that is really giving up and letting my demons take over.
x

Well done you! You are realising that the only person who can make you happy is YOU - others come to you when you are feeling happier and more content. It is little wonder that your friend wanted to meet you in a positive way since you are emitting loving energies now and liking yourself.

Life can only get better, petal.

Love,
Patsy.
xxxx

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Posts: 15
(@francesca-m-brown)
Active Member
Joined: 10 years ago

Personally, what I think that it sounds like is that you really need to evaluate what it is that you are wanting in your life. If you want to be with someone else, it is obvious that there are some internal things that you are going to have to work on beforehand. I think that therapy might be a great idea for you.

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JMCKAY
Posts: 20
(@jmckay)
Eminent Member
Joined: 11 years ago

Before you can be a part of a couple, you have to know how to be a whole person by yourself. Otherwise it'll never work...

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Posts: 38
(@patypat)
Eminent Member
Joined: 10 years ago

It looks like you're headed to the right direction! Wish you all the best

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