A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY
If you read this without laughing out loud, there has
to be something wrong with you. This is dedicated to
everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular
workout routine.
Dear Diary,
For my 50th birthday this year, my wife (the dear)
purchased a week of personal training at the local
health club for me. Although I am still in great
shape since playing on my college football team 30
years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go
ahead and give it a try.
I called the Club and made my reservations with a
personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself
as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for
athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed
pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The Club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress....
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00a.m. Tough to get out of bed,
but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the
health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is
something of a Greek goddess with blond hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile...Woo Hoo!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines.
She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill.
She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I
attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra
aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way
in which she conducted her aerobics class after my
workout today. Very inspiring. Belinda was
encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was
already aching from holding it in the whole time she
was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it
out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push
a heavy iron bar into the air; then she put weights on
it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill,
but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile
made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole
new life for me.
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the
toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and
forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both
pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the Club
parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting
that my screams bothered other Club members. Her
voice is a little too perky for early in the morning
and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that
is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda
put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would
anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity
rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it
would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said
some other shit , too.
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth
exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a
full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour
late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not
looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent
Lars to find me then, as punishment, put me on the
rowing machine---which I sank.
FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being
has ever hated any other human being in the history of
the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader.
If there was a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have
any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the
floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&!!@*@ barbells or
anything that weighs more than a Big Mac . The
treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and
nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone
softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her
grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up
today. Just hearing her made me want to
RE: A Week At The Gym
Hi Andi,
a tale to show how even the young can be taken in by a pretty girl.
I was on a cruise two years back with SheWhoMustBeObeyed, and the ship's gym instructress was a truly remarkable young lady, who was built like a Baywatch babe from the waist up but had extraordinary slim hips, such that when she took an aerobics class, almost the entire male passenger and crew complement would attend to be amazed at how her jogging trousers stayed up. She used to run, not jog, at every port of call, and one member of the dance troupe asked to accompany her, no doubt confident of his ability to keep up with her, impress and thereby squeeze into her good books. I was looking over the side when she appeared at the end of her run, looking magnificent in her running shorts and vest, the sweat gleaming on her slightly rising chest. Her wouldbe paramour was two hundred yards behind her, staggering from side to side. He tripped over a rope and had to be helped up the gangway. I don't think he danced that night.
The next day, Miss Universe gave me a most invigorating massage, and told me that she was getting a bit fed up with the weekness of the men on board. I resisted the temptation.
Leo
RE: A Week At The Gym
Well,Leo, my hunky Bro in law, you certainly gave us a vivid description of that young lady [sm=idea.gif][sm=idea.gif][sm=idea.gif]
Something tells me she has stayed a long time in your memory banks.
Tee Hee[sm=hug.gif]
Gillyxxxxxxxxxxx
RE: A Week At The Gym
Leo, she sounds like she KNEW she looked good.... don't go there buddy, she'll have you at her beck and call all day! 😀 Unless that is............? 😉 Nah! hehe
RE: A Week At The Gym
Gilly,
She was a superbly fit example of the female and had to manage not only the gymnasium, but also the health spa.. it was a very small ship,, the Fred Olsen Breamar. Any man who tried to take liberties with THAT young Lady would live (if he were lucky) to regret it!!!. My wife asked if she was down to row the ship if the engines broke down.. she didn't deny it.
Andi,
she was totally unaware of her appeal, she just got on with the job and was surprised when others, mostly men, couldn't keep up.
Leo the admiring
RE: A Week At The Gym
You know that line in Shakespeare, Leo, is it Twelfth Night, or Macbeth???
'Methinks the lady doth protest too much'
Swop lady for man and you get my drift [sm=busch.gif][sm=busch.gif][sm=busch.gif][sm=busch.gif][sm=busch.gif][sm=busch.gif][sm=busch.gif][sm=hug.gif][sm=hug.gif]
Gillyxxxxxxxxxx
Just been told it was Hamlet, see, I know my Shakespeare [:'(]
RE: A Week At The Gym
Gillyann, dear Gillyann,
if by that last remark you think that I wish to deny that the young lady made a lasting impression on me, then I assure you that indeed she has. Her total annihilation of that Macho pillock, was the highlight of our voyage, Val and I were clapping her in as she ran up the gangway. I LOVE fit women,,,, metaphorically speaking of course,,, I trained with hundreds in my powerlifting days.
Leo
RE: A Week At The Gym
ORIGINAL: gillyann
You know that line in Shakespeare, Leo, is it Twelfth Night, or Macbeth???
'Methinks the lady doth protest too much'
I read this as 'the lady did know exactly what effect she was having on the men folk. Oh well, maybe I was wrong.
Leo, in your powerlifting days, you MUST have known how good you looked. Don't say you didn't walk around with your tail feathers all preened and sticking up! Not saying you were vain.... just confident that all the hard work had paid off. 😀 Women instructors KNOW how good they look also, and don't they just let you know it eh?........... walking around all trim, thin and toned..... not that I'm bitter or anything....... oh no, not me [&:]
[sm=dance.gif] "Ready guys.... here we go, one, two, three... one, two, three.... Andi, are you alright? Do you need a glass of water or sit down for a minute?"
Nope... but you're saying THAT was just the warm up? [&:] [&:]
RE: A Week At The Gym
Oh Andi, for those pre pregnancy days again, for firm bits instead of loose flabby bits, achy knees and having to take a minute to catch your breath after going up a mere 30 steps.
You're right,
In out in out in [sm=mecry.gif][sm=mecry.gif][sm=mecry.gif]out, phew,
Yes Leo was a hunk in his youth, still looks about 10 years younger than he is, due to his fantatastic training. He does not appear to have lost muscle power, whereas we women do,:(:(:(:(:(
And I meant really he was protesting too much about her being the creme de la creme of fitness, whereas like all the other guys he was most likely on the lust [sm=nuts.gif][sm=nuts.gif][sm=nuts.gif][sm=nuts.gif]
love
Gilly [sm=nuts.gif]
RE: A Week At The Gym
Oh that is so funny Gilly.... lol
Mmmm pre-pregnancy daze... I mean days! Doh!!
Flat tums, slimmer hips, pertier botts... Wake up Andi, you're having a nightmare again [sm=sleep.gif] hehe
Do you really think she had NO idea how good she looked though? Unless she was a Vampire and had no mirrors???? [&:]
RE: A Week At The Gym
My husband as just joined the gym - must show him this. Only been once and he thinks he is Arnold Swarznegger (ok the spelling is wrong).
RE: A Week At The Gym
Hey Rose, I grew up in East London... right over the garden to where Arnie used to train when he was BodyBuilding in the 70's. He made friends with Diane and Wag Bennet. They used to have him stay at their house when he was in England for the contests... Diane's gym was the first gym I ever went to. Just a little bit of USELESS info for you all. 😀
RE: A Week At The Gym
LOVED it Andi, lol, it was so funny, I have to show my partner, the next time, he's up to see me.
Thanks for giving us a laugh, laughter is the best policy.
RE: A Week At The Gym
Showed my sister this earlier but she didn't find it funny... I think because she's never known the pain of it as she's never been to the gym..:D
RE: A Week At The Gym
I was thinking about following in the footsteps of the celebs and doing a fitness video for the older generation..... going to call it 'Pumping Rust' 😀 😀
Any one want a guest appearance? 😮