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Survivor
Posts: 1203
Topic starter
(@survivor)
Noble Member
Joined: 17 years ago

Hi All

I am so gratefull of the chance to post on a forum such as this.

I have been seeking a place to share my fears & past with to no avail.

The last time I completed an application to join a chat I was so so low & then my application was declined.

I don't want to be negative you see and wish that I could inspire others after my lessons are learnt, but at the moment I am trapped in a horror of flashbacks & panic attacks.

I wish I never stopped to look into my mind because I am sure that I will never get out.

I get such powerful thoughts & fears that I am frightened most of the time.

I wish I was strong enough to cope but i'm not.

Oh listen to my self pity I hate it!!!!!!!!!!!!

1005 Replies
Lyssa
Posts: 306
(@lyssa)
Reputable Member
Joined: 18 years ago

RE: Can anybody help me!!

You're obviously going through a really bad time at the moment. You are not alone! There are people on this board (myself included) that have dealt with depression, anxiety, panic attacks and more. Maybe you could tell us a little bit about yourself and what's been happening. You may find the help that you need is here or you can just vent, and talk about your experiences with people who understand.

Take care

Lyssa

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TigerBee
Posts: 6417
(@tigerbee)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 18 years ago

RE: Can anybody help me!!

Hello Susan

Firstly a warm welcome to HP, you will find a warm welcoming place here....

Right now.....to business!!!
Having just read your other post the first thing I would say on this subject is to find another doctor. There that done.

I wish I was strong enough to cope but i'm not.

thats the thing, you OBVIOUSLY are strong enough to cope because YOU HAVE AND YOU ARE HERE. Sometimes when we feel our weakest we are actually being the strongest we have ever been....facing demons is hardwork and not a fun night out.

I hate self pity too, so we wont do that......

If you feel you wish to share more then feel free or if you want pm me....

Please remember there is one very beautiful thing about desperation and reaching our limits and that is : its the kick start to a better life as our bodies and brains scream at us no more it means we have to no matter how hard or difficult start that journey to what can only be described as Freedom.....

so to that end I welcome you to your new journey...

Tiger
xx

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Survivor
Posts: 1203
Topic starter
(@survivor)
Noble Member
Joined: 17 years ago

RE: Can anybody help me!!

Lyssa & Tiger,

What a lovely welcome, just relating to others who have been through an episode of self discovery is so reasuring.

A am truely grateful for your offer to assist!!!!!!!!!

I am happy to share experiences with others in the hope that, the more you can see of anothers journey, the more you an relate to your own.

THANK YOU & GOD BLESS

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SteveBishop
Posts: 1585
(@stevebishop)
Noble Member
Joined: 17 years ago

RE: Can anybody help me!!

Hello Survivor

Welcome to HP land.
It must be difficult for you being in the place where you are now. Some of us have been there too and know just how hard it is to feel anything other than despair. We'd like to help. What do you need?

Hugs and warmies
[sm=grouphug.gif]

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Survivor
Posts: 1203
Topic starter
(@survivor)
Noble Member
Joined: 17 years ago

RE: Can anybody help me!!

Sorry can't say any more.............

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puffylovett
Posts: 31
(@puffylovett)
Eminent Member
Joined: 17 years ago

RE: Can anybody help me!!

oh god, you poor thing. I can't pretend to know what you have been through or even to know if I can say anything that might help you at the moment. But like Tigerbee said, you have made it this far which shows just how strong you really are. Maybe now is your time to heal, but in order to heal you have to let it all come out. Injuries are a bit like that, sometimes they get worse before they get better !
Dum analogy I know in comparison to something like this, but I hope you understand what I meant.
Anyway, as you can probably tell from the different forum topics, there is loads of support and love here, in fact it's quite overwhelming so at least you knwo your not alone and that there are people to talk to. Some of the therapies on offer could probably really benefit you too, not in a healing way but in helping you to cope so that you can heal yourself. I'm probably not being much help but I just wanted to post a reply so that you know someone out there is listening - as there's not that many people on line at half one in the morning !

Anyway... I read a really amazing autobiography recently called Lucky by Alice Seebold.. I was struck by how she fought back after being attacked at a similar age, and it took her years to come to terms with it. Luckily her attacker was caught and jailed so she had a form of retribution but obviously the mental scars were still there. Anyway, she made it through after years of living in pain and maybe it would be a good book for you to read to show you that people DO get through these things and that there is light at the end of the tunnel and a reason to exist.
I hope you get some comfort from this...
My thoughts are with you.
[sm=grouphug.gif]

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Hopefull
Posts: 1801
(@hopefull)
Noble Member
Joined: 18 years ago

RE: Can anybody help me!!

Survivor,

I dont have the words.

I cant begin to imagine how you must feel, I just wanted you to give you a huge cyber hug[sm=hug.gif] and to let you know, you have come to the right place.

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TigerBee
Posts: 6417
(@tigerbee)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 18 years ago

RE: Can anybody help me!!

Hello Susan

Well done you.

Will carry on by PM.

Tracy
xx

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SteveBishop
Posts: 1585
(@stevebishop)
Noble Member
Joined: 17 years ago

RE: Can anybody help me!!

We're here for you. Well done for having the courage to seek help. We'll do all we can, and then some.

Hugs and warmies[sm=grouphug.gif]
Steve

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Poppet
Posts: 3344
(@poppet)
Famed Member
Joined: 18 years ago

RE: Can anybody help me!!

Hello Susan

You have taken the first step by telling someone else what happened to you. I know from experience that things get easier once you have made this giant leap! Keep talking and the pain will get easier, if my experience is anything to go by, I promise. There are always people on HP willing to listen and offer advice but the main thing is to keep talking until everything is out.

Please accept my love and Reiki healing. [sm=hug.gif]

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Survivor
Posts: 1203
Topic starter
(@survivor)
Noble Member
Joined: 17 years ago

RE: Can anybody help me!!

I wanted to thank you all for your support.

I think the post has helped me a lot it is another reality test.

It is nice to think that we all have this special place to come & feel safe in the knowledge that someone somewhere can hear me!!

May you all be blessed & rewarded for the positive energy you are putting into the universe.

But most of all thanks for lending me some!!

Susan

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maureen fletcher2002
Posts: 555
(@maureen-fletcher2002)
Honorable Member
Joined: 18 years ago

RE: Can anybody help me!!

Hello Susan
We hear and we care. What happened to you at the tender age of 15 is horrific, no wonder your mind blocked it out. You have been guided to the right place, there are so many of us here who will do what we can to help. Sometimes just writing about what happened can be the beginning of letting go.
Love and blessings
Maureen

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TigerBee
Posts: 6417
(@tigerbee)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 18 years ago

RE: Can anybody help me!!

Hey Susan...

Believe me we are not "lending" it, we are Giving it, for you to use in the best way you can....

Hows it going?
Tiger
xx

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Survivor
Posts: 1203
Topic starter
(@survivor)
Noble Member
Joined: 17 years ago

RE: Can anybody help me!!

I think your right Maureen

You have been guided to the right place

I do think that I have been guided here.

Susan
X

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Survivor
Posts: 1203
Topic starter
(@survivor)
Noble Member
Joined: 17 years ago

RE: Can anybody help me!!

There is something so dreadfull about night fall to me.

I feel a great force of negative energy over me, I don't know if this relates to the above event.

Oh how I regret opening my minds black box, I can't remember how to cope with day to day anymore and I look on at people in amazement that so many people are just getting on with living day in day out.

Is it normal to believe that you may never return from the deepest levels of your mind or is it a sign that you won't be able to return.

I feel like a banana, that has peeled of a skin to reveal the inner self and that I will never own a protective layer again!

Susan
X

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TigerBee
Posts: 6417
(@tigerbee)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 18 years ago

RE: Can anybody help me!!

Is it normal to believe that you may never return from the deepest levels of your mind or is it a sign that you won't be able to return.

I feel like a banana, that has peeled of a skin to reveal the inner self and that I will never own a protective layer again!

First point, OH GOD YES ITS SO NORMAL. but the strength that has kept you with us this long will continue to hold you whilst you deal with the demons.

METAPHORICALLY speaking Getting rid of our old shell is essential because that is how we can grow into our new one that is fresh and without scars.....

love
T
x

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Crystal Moonchild
Posts: 1715
(@crystal-moonchild)
Noble Member
Joined: 18 years ago

RE: Can anybody help me!!

Hello Susan 🙂
I'm so sorry to hear how you have suffered & not been able to tell anyone until now . & well done you for having the courage to do so.;) If its ok I'm going to comment to different points in your letter please just ignor it if what I say is way off track.

The first thing you need to do is realise & BELIEVE this was THEIR fault, It doesn't matter what preceded it you they are to blame. The men in question had control of the situation not you, they were entrusted with your welfare & they abused not only you but that trust also.

Statements that are just blurted out or bursting to do so are usually ready to do so… The mind is a wonderful thing Susan but even that can only take so much. It's not at all unusual for victims of abuse to try & hide the things that happened to them because they feel shame dirty guilt & fear. You feel others know can read what happened because you feel dirty still & that you somehow are to blame. it is not written all over your face hunni.tho it feel like it because the memorie is now so close to the surface, trust me NO ONE knows what happened but you & the men involved. Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea for others to know, (not the nitty gritty but the issue) as it will be a way to release your guilt the more you talk even if its just to us the more you will release the memorie & realise you are innocent, a child that was hurt by two who should of known better. Have you spoken to anyone on the rape crisis lines?

I strongly suspect your mind is very active because you are trying to make sense of the scene & voices in your head the arguing with yourself about the fact as a now adult you know you aren't to blame, but that 15 yr old child still believes she is to blame… maybe she fears they will come back now she has seen them again. I can't stress enough just how you are a innocent, a victim in this
Susan love you have done increably well to get this far & to be brave & strong enough firstly to hold it all in for this long & now to talk about this. You chose the name surviour for a good reason & that’s because you are a survivour These men have hurt you enough sweetheart don't allow them to keep that rain of control over you . Don't let them hurt you for longer than needs be.you can get through this I know it seems like you never will but you will once you have everything in perspective.seek our a good councilour in your area maybe the rape crisis line could help. Althought I am not one. I feel an NLP could help you re train your thoughts to help you accept & believe you are innocent.

In a way you are like a bannana but soon you wont need that protective layer, because you are growing a new skin one that you will feel more comfortable inside.. hunni its very normal to feel you can go no deeper nor things get daker but once we reach that level the only way is UP!
Love 'n' hugs Maria xxxx
edited for colour

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SteveBishop
Posts: 1585
(@stevebishop)
Noble Member
Joined: 17 years ago

RE: Can anybody help me!!

Hi Susan

I have sent you a PM.

Hugs & warmies[sm=grouphug.gif]
Steve

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Survivor
Posts: 1203
Topic starter
(@survivor)
Noble Member
Joined: 17 years ago

RE: Can anybody help me!!

Thank you for the PM Steve.

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Crystal Moonchild
Posts: 1715
(@crystal-moonchild)
Noble Member
Joined: 18 years ago

RE: Can anybody help me!!

[sm=hug.gif] Susan love you are doing so very well sweetheart & within that post, you're re confirming that you are innocent . The men involved did this not you , they rendered you incompetient love they controlled the situation making sure that not only did they have complete control but that you had absolutly none. You are so brave & i know what you're going thro is very very hard & so deeply deeply painful. but there is light at the end of this . the freedom you will find will be like nothing else you have ever felt. Forgiveness. well ultimately love thats up to you. it does bring about that final click in the lock of the emotional door you are currently turning while you are releasing all this. My personal feeling is that you have a lot of other emotions to chase & experience before you get to forgiveness. & its just fine to think & feel them . take it a step & a day at a time look upon each painful experience & revelation as a gift of freedom & love forself.
You have many friends here now Susan who will help you in your times of darkness for so long you have hidden this & now you are bringing it into the light of day & as you do you will se that people remain open to you.. now darling try to start BELIEVING the words you read & write the thought you speak to yourself, when you tell yourself it wasn't my fault.. the little voice of doubt of could I , what if? are stoping you believing yourself.. but tell yourself , we'll keep re enforcing it for you, that you are right it is the fault of the men & no one else. You were a child all control was taken from you NO one could overcome that sort of manipulation especially a child. Remember love you are a beautiful person & the child within you that was hurt so badly is a beautiful & wonderious being too. love her for her worth susan, she surely deserves it Susan. & in your quiet times when you find the memories hard to see & feel when they consume your very heart & soul then take a deep breath & feel the wings of angels wrap themselves around you if you can't do that come back here & see the words that we write & send to you , feel the love within them & draw upon their power of love.
Much Starlight love & angels blessings
Maria xxxx[sm=hug.gif][sm=FIFangel.gif]

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joya
Posts: 199
 joya
(@joya)
Estimable Member
Joined: 17 years ago

RE: Can anybody help me!!

Dear Susan

So sorry to read about your ordeal----

Time WILL heal-----please believe that----

And you will feel better---very soon, I hope-------

Lots of Love, Joyxxxx

Reply
Kachina
Posts: 5763
(@kachina)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 18 years ago

RE: Can anybody help me!!

Hello Susan

I have picked up your thread a little bit later than the other guys, but as I sat and read it I realized what a strong person you are, and you are you know even if at the moment you may not think so.
Those men were & are cowards.
This is going to be sooooo easy for me to say, and one of the hardest things that you will ever need to do, but you have to let it go...it's controlling your life, and you are the one that needs to be in control ~ easy for me to say maybe, but I have been there also, so this comes from the heart even though it still hurts, you are the most important person in your life always have been and always will be.
If I can be of any help please PM me.

I shall not be commenting any further on this thread...but, my support is with you

Jx

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Survivor
Posts: 1203
Topic starter
(@survivor)
Noble Member
Joined: 17 years ago

RE: Can anybody help me!!

I would like to thank everyone for there words of wisdom.

Love & Blessings to you all

Susan

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SteveBishop
Posts: 1585
(@stevebishop)
Noble Member
Joined: 17 years ago

RE: Can anybody help me!!

You are a very brave person to be strong enough to be thinking of your husband even though you were suffering for so long.

Will send you a message.

Hugs
Steve[sm=grouphug.gif]

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Anahata
Posts: 1462
(@anahata)
Noble Member
Joined: 18 years ago

RE: Can anybody help me!!

I think your HP name sums it up really - Survivor.

I've checked in on the Thread before, but didn't feel the need to Post as you seemed to be doing all yourself and with the support from the other Members here.

Being dealt a crappy hand in life forces you seek to understand yourself at a deeper level and if your up for it, then it can lead to a healthier, happier and more fulfilling life. I'm not saying it's easy, but I will say that it is worth the fight.

Namaste - Andrew.

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TigerBee
Posts: 6417
(@tigerbee)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 18 years ago

RE: Can anybody help me!!

you will find that as you explore this more all sorts of things are omitted and its only when you start getting them down you realise just how much crud there is......

you have made a fantastic start.....

will be keeping in touch...
T
x

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Survivor
Posts: 1203
Topic starter
(@survivor)
Noble Member
Joined: 17 years ago

RE: Can anybody help me!!

Hi All,

I have found it very hard emotionally since posting, I feel very vunerable and exposed.

I guess this is the price I pay for opening up.

I am grateful to all of you for giving me the oppertunity to share my inner most feelings with you
and yet feel so out of control.

I don't know anymore!!

Susan:(

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TigerBee
Posts: 6417
(@tigerbee)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 18 years ago

RE: Can anybody help me!!

opening up is hard, standing there strong and confronting those demons harder but you will do it.....you are on a good path...

T
x

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Crystal Moonchild
Posts: 1715
(@crystal-moonchild)
Noble Member
Joined: 18 years ago

RE: Can anybody help me!!

Hang on in there sweetheart your doing just fine. Its not at all unusuall to slip back a step or two or to feel worse before you feel better. while healing. You feel vulnerable because for the first time since the event you've opened your heart & soul you have taken off your emotional over coat, and are able to feel the fresh air around you. By releasing the crud you have been holding onto you have made space for feelings you don't usually feel & it feels odd . Give yourself a big well done you for getting this far. 🙂 Things will feel strange hunni, things are changing for you perhaps in ways yu never dreamed possible Remember Susan this is their fault , its a memory now. I know you're frightened be brave hunni. Keep up the good work sweetie things will get better.
love & Hugs Maria xxx

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