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Rape & Complex PTSD

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Survivor
Posts: 1219
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Hi All

I am so gratefull of the chance to post on a forum such as this.

I have been seeking a place to share my fears & past with to no avail.

The last time I completed an application to join a chat I was so so low & then my application was declined.

I don't want to be negative you see and wish that I could inspire others after my lessons are learnt, but at the moment I am trapped in a horror of flashbacks & panic attacks.

I wish I never stopped to look into my mind because I am sure that I will never get out.

I get such powerful thoughts & fears that I am frightened most of the time.

I wish I was strong enough to cope but i'm not.

Oh listen to my self pity I hate it!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Survivor
Posts: 1219
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Threats increased
My peace must cease
No protection
My minds in sections
Don’t tell
My living is hell
How’s this going to end?
My fear is negotiating a hairpin bend
Who can stop this?
My trust in professionals is hit & miss
Threats increased
Will I end up deceased?

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Survivor
Posts: 1219
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The problem with a ring that’s tight
Is all the circulation ceases
The need is to have it cut off with a special tool
But A & E don’t have what it takes
There are many that are done with this for beep sake
I’m not, I can’t it’s not a release
To be found guilty according to the law
Doesn’t go down well with the outlaw bikers
Beyond repute, their threats are absolute
Is my only control left to pull my own trigger?
There is no protection for a victim past
My fate is no authorities hands
The underworld have much bigger plans
Threaten me once & I’ll stand my ground
Rape me twice & I’ll take the stand
Call in the troops that have devoured me before
I am not prey if I’m dead on the floor
Kill me once you killed me twice
I’m beyond conventional help
The laws are bound by narrow tape
Mark my words they will see it soon
When I take the bullet or the knife wound
The writings on the wall
It’s 100 foot high
This ring is at risk because of I

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Survivor
Posts: 1219
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a dozen lake has been disturbed
The cracks are gliding over this icy grave
Frostbite fingers & crunched up toes
can I make myself comatose
Let the ice melt & them swim to shore
not yet a bit more a bit more
This doggy paddle is no horses sadly
No kings men to put me together again
You want me to pull you out?
Observer said you will let me go
she says she’s only 10
What’s that a sinking float
A head that falls
A gaze that stalls
I’m cocooned in the biggest sea
That for years has carried me
A jump a dive a magical carpet ride
will I even feel the water
Will it make me shorter
I kinda think it oughter

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Survivor
Posts: 1219
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I could have screamed
You walked right through me
Your eyes have not changed
You know I know
Will it lift?
This threatening mist
Nothing has died
It’s al alive
It’s not over
It will never be over
Your tattoo is you

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Survivor
Posts: 1219
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Dear me,

Confession - I abuse you too!
I’m not proud of what I do & it takes months for me to see me too. I’m trying to comfort myself & end up deformed.
I literally shape shift from the mind into matter, eating drinking & not future thinking.
Then I paralyze myself pain moves in & floods the space I have created.
It’s killing you, I’m killing you, I’m filling you up & then deprive you for an equal time.
I push your body till it’s out of time.
I don’t plan the assault, I don’t just take you by surprise, I too am surprised; until I feel trapped inside with you & your stretched skin, the one I feel ashamed to be in.
I’m in the wrong body then, or have I changed the body I had when traumatized so much I can’t feel the body when it was attacked?
But it never works!
Unconscious night you transform my body into that which is broken, that which is petrified.

My promise to you is EMDR next week.
Let’s hope we don’t loose each other forever or maybe that is exactly what we need to do?

I don’t know what the other side looks like, hell I don’t believe it even exists.

Until then hold on tight!

X

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Survivor
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Tormented afflicted with great bodily or mental suffering.
Do you wonder what effect you had on her life?
Do you know you Killed her?
No funeral for the fractured soul
Oh she’s buried
She won’t be resurrected
No eater story to cure her crucifixion.
Have you forgiven yourself?
How did you do that?
She’s still there where you left her

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Survivor
Posts: 1219
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A date a time a silent mime
The feelings now move through me like slime
The trepidation of the hostage taken
Can you withdraw your weapons please?
Can you recoil your vipers grin?
Can you leave me somewhere so I can begin?
I get it your above the law
I get it you’ve made me a bed of straw
I get it that lit match is heading for the floor
Thunder lightening spook my horse
Let it rise on legs like forks
Let it be mighty.& still
Before it’s hooves does kill
A date, a time a silent mime
No breadcrumbs left
no tracks of mine
For I was never made to walk in time
Cogs ping & freedom smiles
I have no white flag
I don’t need no luggage
I just get on board
Around a bend & down a slope
There I will cope
X

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Survivor
Posts: 1219
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That’s it
It’s coming out
I will not whisper
when I can shout
I can see me now
Relieved
My life no longer relived
The threats are managed
I’m in bullet proof glass
My neck can rest from all that graft
Watching over every shoulder
Rehearsing like a frightened soldier
Look there is a place to go
To take the weight of my mind about to break
Your given choices
They hear each word
They are trained to hear my little voice
They realize that different men can curse
Me & me & me & me & me & me &
They saw my broken happy smile
My muteness & in my denial
All done, I’m ok, I won’t tell a soul
I’ll rescue you & make you calm
I’ll feel your knuckles & won’t hold my arm
I won’t cry when you beat me down
I’ve learnt that is how I get the crown
I’m a good girl
Just all singled out
It’s ok I lost my shout
When I caught the clout
They are better for me
They make me pure
And if I can’t see your..
Its ok I’m fine I will explain
How men made noises in my brain
clanging around in places, that makes me insane
Do you know the worst is yet to come
The things I avoided by biting my tongue
I’m bleeding with teeth marks all around my mouth
I’m clenching & retching all in one
Stop now it’s all a dream theres no one who
can hear me scream
There’s no one in an open space
that invites me to tell them face to face
They don’t hear how often I lost the race
The race to leave my body before I wanted to leave my life
This time I am on the thinnest of ice.
The world is not as it should be
These terrors are haunting the bones of me
Dr can you relieve this pain
Dr can you make it stop
Dr can you pass me a script
To remedy these stains
Waste ground bog come give me A break,
can I lay face down & sink
my breath in the sand
let me lay down & curl up in a ball
My fingers don’t protect my mouth anymore
I’ve bitten down hard
I’ve clenched & locked jaws
I’m not mine so I can’t ever be yours

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Survivor
Posts: 1219
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There angry at me
I have made them sad
I said what was bad
I didn’t do what I was told
How dare I be so bold
I’d better run away
Only this time I won’t stay
It all too much
To put together
It’s a catalogue of pictures
Screaming inside is deafening
Hurting inside is crippling
Most of all this fragmented mind is glistening
It makes sense in a different realm
I’ll blindly take the helm
leaving shore radio deactivated
grand escape participated
No red shoes required
Suffering retired

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Survivor
Posts: 1219
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Can’t be in a relationship
when I can’t relate
Can’t be mute when
life’s on the wrong route
Can’ be settled when your minds PTSD’d
Can’t be present when the days too dangerous
Escaping more than being
Checking out instead of in
Worst realization is I can’t be married any more
Can’t be apart of a domestic war
32 years & nowhere to run
This life is never won
I’ll ask for the bill
Because lying to me kills

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Survivor
Posts: 1219
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You don’t want me to remember
My memory is scorched with red hot ember
I know you
I know your crime
I know the scars you gave me at not mine
I can’t heal with time
Instead I recall all the while
You wanted to shoot me
Threatened to keep me
Your not holding me down right now
I can‘t stand I can barely walk
My only choice now is to talk

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Survivor
Posts: 1219
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Beautifully unfinished
Beautifully unfinished
Is how I want to be
Clawing to an ending
that honors her beauty
Her face, her hope,
She got up
She stood tall
Now her wish is to leave it all behind
To accept the things she could not do
Be proud of what she could
Oh the end in sight is a beautiful surprise
She thought laboring therapy would birth
a new possibility
But it would fragment a fragile soul
This would make her ugly
She could get lost & loose herself
Beautifully unfinished is a glossy pic
A promise of eternal bliss
She deserves to rest her soul
This way she has no more fear to toll
Her nervous system is pretty fried
Her legacy would become so untied
Those around her would remember
only the broken smiles, the screams,
the tears the jolting fears.
This way she can leave in her current state
Releasing her from terrors gate
A nervous system calm & still
Thank god she took the road uphill
A memory of taking the stand is enough
Her children are grown her grandchildren too
Look at everything she will leave
Wealth that leave others at ease
Places blessed with her hands craft
Without the pain of future past
Good luck, farewell my beautiful soul
nothing to miss no one to hug
They are hallow now like moulds of old
If you can’t feel life why grow old
Love, light & reiki hugs xxxx for the ones I loved

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Survivor
Posts: 1219
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It’s safe here
No one comes this way anymore
You’ve been coming here for 16 years
This nightmare has to end
You’ve done your best
It’s time for you to rest
But rest won’t come in this
forsaken lifetime
It’s poisonous
It’s toxic
There is no PH balance left
It’s sad you should have left
years ago
Saved you all this pain
Come on, you’ve pushed
everyone away.
Now your completely alone
Just how you have to be
You never deserved anyone
no one wanted you when you
grew
Go

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Survivor
Posts: 1219
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I’ll send letters in the post
I’ll fake words from my stuck throat
I’ll tell you with my intelligent mind
I’ll explain so much you’ll go blind
I’ll collapse from relief
I’ll be trying to keep it brief
I’ll reflect with hallow tears
I’ll have to run for that train
I’ll board it sad & wave goodbye
I’ll understand why memories tie
I’ll strip back the layers of why
I’ll take the word defy
I’ll storm the castle where I keep
I’ll close my eyes & try to sleep

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Survivor
Posts: 1219
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It’s past
It’s clear
There is no way to turn
Unless I am to face this
There are tombs
There are shallow graves
There are images of slaves
There are records, marble, swastika, made in Jersey signs.
Only place to hide from this is in outside my mind.
Blessed is the sectioned for they have time
Blessed are the free for they are in time.
It coming out of here, I’ve had enough!
,

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Survivor
Posts: 1219
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There is no time in trauma

 

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Survivor
Posts: 1219
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The ring is tight & not much time to fight

No one to help me make a complaint.

I didn’t know the people behind in service in 2002 

Now I do, but not in a public service to me as a member of the public, but as a professional women.

How could I tell while wearing my hats, that there is more to this than that.

Im a new kind of silent, a worse kind of silent, I have ceased therapy for the same reason. The next is not a layer it’s a spiral staircase that has no beginning & end. 

My trauma is not post, in fact my nightmares remind me the only post is postmortem once I am murdered.

 

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Energylz
Posts: 16602
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Joined: 20 years ago

Hey Survivor.

It's been a while.  I though the therapy was helping?

Hope you're staying safe and well in relation to the current situation.

Hugs

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Survivor
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Therapy hit its limits & the recommended not available locally.

There is no police force to protect what remains.

There is no ISVA service response.

I can not share detail to a system that has enough to know my need.

I don’t have anywhere to turn.

I’m running out of time ⌛️ 

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Energylz
Posts: 16602
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So why have ISVA service not responded?  What do you need to help you move forward?

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Survivor
Posts: 1219
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Common theme locally that ISVA doesn’t reply.

I went of island for help & approached them recently They have shut down & now offer regional dedicated support only.

Contacted safe link, but they said can’t help outside of region.

I need an off island support, as nothing on island can cope with ring, risk to life & systemic complexity.

i don’t think this help exists ⌛️

 

 

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Survivor
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It’s like living in a system with faux myxomatosis, they stand around blind to what is right in front of their face.

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Survivor
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No safe deposit box key

No locker at Victoria station

Yet I leave a trail 

No code to crack

Just follow the track

Evidence in multiple forms

Magpies wait for disclosure dawn

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Survivor
Posts: 1219
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No safe deposit box key

No locker at Victoria station

Yet I leave a trail 

No code to crack

Just follow the track

Evidence in multiple forms

Magpies wait for disclosure dawn

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Survivor
Posts: 1219
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More men need to get out of me 

My stand is still there

My body map is marked with pain that stops me walking forwards

I’m on the verge of immobility & it’s not because I haven’t faced my fear, it’s because I have only faced some of the one ring.

I didn’t Let the single digit inner children speak at all.

it was their fault, they entertained sung & danced & side way glanced & then fell to the ground & didn’t get up.

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Survivor
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Won’t you lay down & show me the places you’ve been.

Won’t you get up & show me where do I begin.

Don’t breakdown for someone else’s sin.

Don’t you cry now, you have to take it all on the chin.

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Survivor
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18th February 2022

I saw you face to face 

your eyes threatened me 

your told me you're boldly stamped me on your forehead

then cover it up with your Woolley hat.

You told me you would do it again & I wouldn’t be able to stop it.

I only have one person I can tell & she is 6 steps away from your fist name. She is zero away from your old last name.

Ssscccrrreeeaammm STOP 🛑 

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Survivor
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A nightmare & time has gone 

I awake knowing unspoken acts that are really wrong

I was overpowered, frozen & flopped, fooled that looking dead had it stopped.

Again, again, claws scrapped into my skin, marks I would for years fill in. 
Reliving a pain that was impossible to know when it begin.

The fact that you know more than me, your turned up nose & your scratchy chin.

How didn’t you think me dead, with eyes wide open & my body turned to tin.

You hit it you banged it, you dented it in, you invited others, no consideration for a shell that was made so thin.

You got inside, you punched your way in, you left me for dead.
It wasn’t something I said, my words were lost from hours before, when you pinned me down & locked the door.

Neurons & pathways come rescue me from this head injury.

my nervous system is buckled & bruised, it’s pathways take me to abuse rooms. I can’t shut the doors, they are hanging of the hinges, my body & mind resemble the left overs from rape binges.

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Survivor
Posts: 1219
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Y K M W Y P

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Energylz
Posts: 16602
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Joined: 20 years ago

YKMWYP?

🙄

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Survivor
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Joined: 20 years ago

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Posts: 1219

@energylz

Mental trauma turns into physical strain so you can at least medicate the pain.

Characters that caused the pain, that fried my brain don’t hear me complain as the physical strain is no longer medicated pain.

Acronyms here are to bare witness my terror & fear as words have now reached a maximum count.

Breadcrumbs in the forest to me, this healthy pages thread is often all I have.

Therapy at times can do more harm than good, when you hope & pray that all that you say is confidential.
But in words I paint a crime scene, a burial site, I’ve shared somethings with authorities but they even know some disclosure don’t have the resources or protect the teller, nor the man power to respond as they should. 
Men set the bar in law, hold the bar in law & hit you with the bar of law if their threshold for liability has exceeded the operators balance.

Then the operator sends out intel reaper & they think that I am blind, & ever so slightly deaf. So they stop talking, replying intel denying & blatantly ignoring their own laws.

 

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Survivor
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Joined: 20 years ago

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Posts: 1219

@energylz

A dissociated state acronym that I don’t understand.

I do know it was life threatening.

Safety is not easy at this time, as something is about to pull me into the vipers pit.

I will escape this time.

reiki hugs x

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