Rape & Complex PTSD
I am so gratefull of the chance to post on a forum such as this.
I have been seeking a place to share my fears & past with to no avail.
The last time I completed an application to join a chat I was so so low & then my application was declined.
I don't want to be negative you see and wish that I could inspire others after my lessons are learnt, but at the moment I am trapped in a horror of flashbacks & panic attacks.
I wish I never stopped to look into my mind because I am sure that I will never get out.
I get such powerful thoughts & fears that I am frightened most of the time.
I wish I was strong enough to cope but i'm not.
Oh listen to my self pity I hate it!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hey were you been, I thought you forgot what your body has seen.
Those men they breath, their voices make you seethe.
I nearly had you dive into the sea last night, only this time your not stopped by fright.
Your feelings have left you to leap without sleep.
Numbness helps me to get you in a trance, I can make you dance, without a defensive stance, oh and I can run away with your mask.
Your hanging around here is a crazy thought, you expose yourself without a stop it clout, there is no way out.
Decades past - I am all I needed when I was younger to hundreds of children.
And I have had to be what I need for me too.
So many words on this thread and feelings written about dread.
But the somatic stuff that was held by the body, it had not words despite writing about the feelings of no words. No pictures despite etching out in lead a feeling in my head. No, somatic is a feeling that has to be felt and movement has helped to encourage it out. When I connected with the feelings I void parts of my body had no sense at all. They were vacant like a coffin with no body resting in. Then there was the water therapy I have been developing and as I felt my body float, I panicked at the realization that part of my body were missing and my trauma forced the water to drop me. No pictures of the assaults, no sounds, completely present in the moment and that was the trigger for the BODY I had after 35 years felt my whole body and ever since I have had crazy shivers, sore nerves on my back and a ton of new memories.
It took a lot to make me vulnerable enough to be prey for men.
And after court for 2 - 31 years after, I have others who showed their face or hid at sentencing. They now surface like a rapturous chorus of beasts scoffing on what was a dish served by their associates poached in a field and hung to mature to 16. Like my age was a new conquest and then the back stories roll out of every door open in my head.
I was pre-pubescent when this web was spun and I was marked as rapists fun.
I never knew the steps I took were plotted by the underground hood.
I wandered away from every pack, breaking into a new version of a child, coercively compliant and frozen to ice, I never had a word for the men who made me their vice.
Anyone who doesn’t get how traumatic memories are stored for decades, I wish, wish not a day in my nervous system, memory banks and hour to hour life. I liken my life to terror attacks to my body, mind and childhood and I’m not choosing dramatics, I was dramatically, degraded to non human in early childhood - with no I or me it didn’t happen to me and I had nothing to tell.
I’m not a crazy wacko who split, I am a being whose being was don’t by others to me, whose body was felt by others and not me, whose innocence was broken into by those who claimed their innocence as a group. And I became a group of children that knew when death was near it was time to disappear and guess what they never reappeared until now! And I am so proud of them all even though some don’t really know if they are dead or alive.
Personality disorder NO I was a person so disordered that I couldn’t be A person all by my self and I hurt so bad that I had to cut off from the parts of me that I never got to love or be loved, because all they knew was terror.
Still I Rise
8 year sentence reduced to 4 I am a dead women