My wife and i are getting rid of our Vacuum cleaner since we had laminate flooring put in after all its just laying around collecting dust.
James Bond says to a chicken, "I'm Bond, James Bond."
The chicken turns and says, "Well I'm Ken, Chic-ken."
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make
Then they call me poor and ugly.
Another one...
Interviewer: "Are you good at making snap decisions?"
5 minutes later
Me: "No."
I've just heard that the bloke who invented predictive text has pissed away.
His funfair is next monkey.
"I have a dream, that one day there will be free WiFi everywhere."
~ Martin Router King
Its odd that engineering students refer to themselves as engineers...
Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.
Mahatma Gandhi went to gym at the age of 24.
One of his friends said, " Wow what a body".
Since then Gandhi stopped wearing a shirt.
Another very daft one....
How to know if a lion is male or female?
Throw a stone at it,
if he runs, it's a male
if she runs, it's a female.
Today we celebrate international twins day.
Because twins are people two.
Homophobic: Someone who is afraid of their home.
What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?
A father in law.
Why are there no female serial killers?
After the first kill, they have to tell someone.
Lawyers talk the same way as doctors write.
Prison may be just one word to you,
but to some it's a whole sentence.
The number of people confusing ‘to’ and ‘too’ is amazing two me!
Dieting tip:
If you want to loose a significant amount of weight,
it's important to start out really fat.
Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will spend hundreds of pounds on equipment he will use 3 times a year.
In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth.
After that, everything else was 'Made in China'.
The guy who invented throat lozenges just died.
There will be no coffin at his funeral.
Fake plants die when you don't pretend to water them
“I refuse to eat this meal. Please call the manager! “
Waiter: “That’s no use. He won’t eat it either.”
And asks for a drink.
A time traveller walks into a bar.
Never make the same mistake twice.
Make it five or six times, just to be sure.
In 2016, celebrities died and their legacies touched people.
In 2017, celebrities touched people and their legacies died.
So, how many boxes of these "Thin Mints" do I have to eat before I start seeing results?
I'd like to thank my hands for always being at my side, my legs for supporting me through thick and thin, and my fingers... Because I can always count on them.
I think my neighbor's wife is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer.
I saw it through my telescope last night.