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Joke of the month

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Nah¬meed
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(@nahmeed)
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My wife and i are getting rid of our Vacuum cleaner since we had laminate flooring put in after all its just laying around collecting dust.

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(@jnani)
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James Bond says to a chicken, "I'm Bond, James Bond."

The chicken turns and says, "Well I'm Ken, Chic-ken."

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(@jnani)
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Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make

Then they call me poor and ugly.

Another one...
Interviewer: "Are you good at making snap decisions?"

5 minutes later

Me: "No."

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(@jnani)
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I've just heard that the bloke who invented predictive text has pissed away.

His funfair is next monkey.

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(@jnani)
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"I have a dream, that one day there will be free WiFi everywhere."

~ Martin Router King

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(@jnani)
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Its odd that engineering students refer to themselves as engineers...

Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.

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(@jnani)
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Mahatma Gandhi went to gym at the age of 24.
One of his friends said, " Wow what a body".

Since then Gandhi stopped wearing a shirt.

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(@jnani)
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Another very daft one....

How to know if a lion is male or female?

Throw a stone at it,
if he runs, it's a male
if she runs, it's a female.

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(@jnani)
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Today we celebrate international twins day.

Because twins are people two.

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(@jnani)
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Homophobic: Someone who is afraid of their home.

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(@jnani)
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What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?

A father in law.

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(@jnani)
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Why are there no female serial killers?

After the first kill, they have to tell someone.

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(@jnani)
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Lawyers talk the same way as doctors write.

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(@jnani)
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Prison may be just one word to you,

but to some it's a whole sentence.

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(@jnani)
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The number of people confusing ‘to’ and ‘too’ is amazing two me!

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(@jnani)
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Dieting tip:
If you want to loose a significant amount of weight,

it's important to start out really fat.

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(@jnani)
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Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish and he will spend hundreds of pounds on equipment he will use 3 times a year.

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(@jnani)
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In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth.

After that, everything else was 'Made in China'.

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(@jnani)
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The guy who invented throat lozenges just died.

There will be no coffin at his funeral.

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(@jnani)
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Fake plants die when you don't pretend to water them

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(@jnani)
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“I refuse to eat this meal. Please call the manager! “

Waiter: “That’s no use. He won’t eat it either.”

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(@jnani)
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And asks for a drink.

A time traveller walks into a bar.

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(@jnani)
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Never make the same mistake twice.

Make it five or six times, just to be sure.

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(@jnani)
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In 2016, celebrities died and their legacies touched people.

In 2017, celebrities touched people and their legacies died.

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(@jnani)
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So, how many boxes of these "Thin Mints" do I have to eat before I start seeing results?

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(@jnani)
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I'd like to thank my hands for always being at my side, my legs for supporting me through thick and thin, and my fingers... Because I can always count on them.

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(@jnani)
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I think my neighbor's wife is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer.
I saw it through my telescope last night.

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