RE: Adult Bullies and why they do it???
I believe there are people whose lives seem to revolve around their rather twisted ability to manipulate others
so true, I never would have thought the party involved with me would have ever done that knowingly... but then that just goes to show how trusting and compassionate I am willing to take people on the information they give me.. Hugo it is so true in your strap line
You shall not accept any information, unless you verify it for yourself
it was only when I went to verify this information that I found the sting....its a shame that people cannot take people at face value for what they say.....but that is just the society we live in I suppose.
Tigs
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RE: Adult Bullies and why they do it???
The bully won't care
agreed he didnt...
ah well
Tigs
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RE: Adult Bullies and why they do it???
No I was speaking of my recent experience! Funny thing this internet, you think you know someone, become friends, good friends even to find out that actually they were just having a laugh with you..... Yes I like to think I have many friends here, as do we all, but I am wise enough now to know that we are not all friends.
Tigs
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RE: Adult Bullies and why they do it???
Id like to give a huge (((((((hug))))))))) to all of you here that have or are being bullied and to those that havent but are compassionate and empathic enough to care.
I was a 'victim' to a bully only 3 years ago. She was a long time good friend, godmother to one of my children and a work collegue. And it was the latter that brought out her 'true' colours.
She was clever and very subtle. I did not see that she was playing a very spiteful and evil game and by the time I did it was too late.
She made my life complete hell both at college and at home.
At first I thought it was my head. That I was imagining things. This went on for a while even though it did make me feel very sick and then one of our students came to me and told me that she was leaving the course because she felt victimised by the other teacher. I promised the student that I wouldnt tell her who was making the complaint and the student didnt want it to go further. She said that she had been bullied before and that she always felt that she was victimised further.
As the tutor was a good friend (or so I thought and boy was I naieve) I didnt want to take it further but I also felt sick because I knew that she was a very difficult person to talk to. I can look back now and see that I was very frightened of her myself!!
I wrote her a professional letter devoid of any feelings stating the facts about the student making the complaint and a wish for her confidentiality.
The tutor targeted each student individually to who she believed where 'on her side' and showed them the letter asking them who would make such a complaint.
I didnt know this until I left but before I did leave I brought it all to the attention of the Manager of the Community College who subsequently made me feel like I was the problem, as the tutor (my now ex friend ) had counterclaimed it and said that I was victimising her.
This was far from the truth because I at that point had begun to feel so violated that I actually felt like I had been raped. The whole thing from beginnging to end had made me feel very ill and on top of it all I was for a few months afterwards.
It really hurt when I found out that she had been chipping away at me to our students right from the start. She had also been chipping away at my professionalism in the college office too, slowly and surely she did her homework very well. I had cancelled Holistic Therapy appointments from other members of staff all of a sudden because she had chipped away at my own therapy skills and said that I was doing it wrong and that the way I do things are dangerous. They would book in with her instead!! People that listened to her believed what she was saying.
She is a very strong Scottish woman who wears a convinsing smile on her face as shes chipping away.
As she lives in the same small town as myself I felt like I couldnt go out because she had turned everyone against me. Some very nasty things had been said about me. I felt so ashamed!! People werent booking in with me because she had told them that I had an evil spirit with me and that I would contaminate them if they went to me. Some people avoid me and I see them scuttling across the road if I am near.
I look back now at it all after having counselling and a lot of self healing and see that this was the turning point for me. I didnt realise how little I thought of myself that I couldnt stand in my own empowerment and allowed bullies to undermine me but I would defend others from being bullied. I looked back in my life and it dawned on me that this was a pattern. I realised that I couldnt fight another persons fight for them and that I need to learn to support a victim not take on a bully.
I also realised that I was so friendly that I wanted to be friends with everybody. My 5 year old daughter taught me this one. My daughter and myself are now learning the art of how to discern!
I used to be such a joyful loving trusting person. I lost this for a while and became a prisoner in my own hom
RE: Adult Bullies and why they do it???
It sounds to me like you handled that situation with grace and dignity. It's a horrible situation to be in. I love quotes because they are usually much more concise than Im able to be--although I mangle them. I read a quote once in a book called free from the shadows which just said that cruel people have an advantage over others--they can do things that the rest of us can't even imagine.
I was in a somewhat similar situation with former roommate, who I really ended up thinking was a compulsive liar. since we were both in school together, she spent a lot of time trying to discredit and even to isolate me (isolate so as I wouldn't find out what was going on). The thing about a situation like that, for me at least, was that in the end it made me question my own judgment and ability to pick out "healthy" people. I had always had this belief that unhealthy people attract unhealthy relationships--which I do tend to think is generally true--but the converse of that was I ended up thinking if I had an unhealthy friendship, I must therefore be unhealthy. It didn't exactly make me not trust others, but it made me not trust myself as easily. Fortunately, I've had tons of therapy! (i'm a huge fan--I think everyone should go! lmao). One thing that ended up helping me come to terms with it...more people than I realized saw through her facade. That doesn't mean that some people didn't believe the lies she told (about everyone and everything), but not all people did...and a lot who didn't see it right away, did come to see it eventually. So in the end, that is the best "revenge." I know that I did not stoop to the level of "let's see who I can get on my side" or try and stab her back. I think I took the high road so I can look back and know that I didn't lose my integrity and also (being the non perfect being...lol) know that in the end...she'll just have alienated anyone worth alienating on her own.
Like I said in the beginning, it sounds to me like you handled it with grace and dignity and have used it as an opportunity to grow--so you definitely came out on top :>