RE: Adult Bullies and why they do it???
Hi Crystarra,, this made perfect sense to me.
one tactic that I think many bullies use is to first isolate their victim and to encourage them to think they are alone or can't report it to anyone.
There is also another tactic bullies use which relates to this, i.e. subtle means to divide and conquer, they play two, maybe three people against each other hoping to dominate them or control situations by this method.
I personally find it easy to deal with outright bullies, but harder to spot, at first, the ones who are more shadowy and devious in the way they go about trying to maintain control. I think those who seek to manipulate others for their own ends, or indeed, their own delight, are the worse bullies.
Love Gillyxxx
RE: Adult Bullies and why they do it???
I agree with a lot of what you are saying hugo...I think my only point was really that you can't say it's true in every situation. You can plan, strategize, and prop your eyes open with toothpicks, and might still end up in a situation in which you are a "victim." "best laid plans" and all that. Specifically, in work cases, it might be that the answer is to find another job so as to remove yourself from the situation, but for most people that I know, it's hard to just up and quit. Some situations take a long time to be able to extricate yourself from. Predators know who their prey is, and can be master strategists themselves. I think that a lot of times we think of bullies as ham-fisted idiots. Most of them, especially adults, have mastered their techniques (this goes to what Gillyann was saying too I think). I also can't help but react to the thought that people are victims because of internal factors. Like I said, a bully might pick on someone just because they are convenient; it might not start of as "personal." It seems to me, that regardless of the person's traits, to focus on the actions or inactions of the "victim" is losing sight of the bully. Of course, i'm probably going to sound as if i'm contradicting myself when I say, you can't control the actions of someone else, only your reactions to them. But to think that if you change yourself, you are going to stop a bully from being a bully or to stop them from bullying you, I think can at times over simplify the problem.
Gillyann, I agree. I always say that I am hard to bully, but kind of easy to manipulate...lol. as soon as I feel as if i'm being "forced" I dig my heels, grit my teeth and glare a lot...lol. On the other hand, make me feel guilty, and i'm yours. Well...I like to htink i've gotten better at that! lol I agree about the dividing and conqueroring. As I said, I think that a lot of bullies know people and know how to play them. It's sad that they don't use their knowledge of people for more positive things.
Edited to correct my spelling of Gillyann's name and to say:
I realized that a lot of what I'm saying, and a lot of what i'm reacting to in this thread comes from my working with victims of sexual assault and domestic violence which I consider to be bully situations as well. Strategically, it is smart to be safe and not to be in a situation in which you can be overpowered, mentally, emotionally, verbally or physically. But sometimes, it just so happens, that you wind up in a vulnerable positions and as I said--predators know when to attack.
RE: Adult Bullies and why they do it???
One last thing for people whose situations at work have reached intolerable levels and who have not gotten a real response when/if they've reported it.
I hesitated to suggest this because it does not necessarily make the situation "better" but you may want to consider writing a letter to your boss andkeeping a copy for yourself. Once you start creating an official paper trail, you will usually get a response. The nature and substance of the response depend on your boss of course.
RE: Adult Bullies and why they do it???
oh it is, how true indeed....
Having recently been on the end of one of these situations I can only say people who do this are unfeeling and cruel with no thought for others as long as their actions get them the glory or the attention they obviously crave....its all very sad really
Tigs
x
RE: Adult Bullies and why they do it???
Thank you Crystarra. I believe there are people whose lives seem to revolve around their rather twisted ability to manipulate others. Have they nothing better to do, or any more fulfillment in their lives than to live like this?
Yes Tigs, it is sad, indeed.
Love Gillyxxx