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Hi guys
We have had this come up alot, so I would like you all to have your say on this. I think would be interesting!
If you can find it in your heart to forgive someone, that is great. But what happens when you come across someone that you are not willing to forgive or just cannot forgive for all the harm they have caused?
I can quite easily forgive people for small things, like say for instance, breaking a promise. Or even, for saying something that was out of order etc etc. This is because it has only caused you a small amount of harm or upset. Sooner or later, you forget that it ever happened.
But what if this someone had caused you mental and maybe physical harm, so much so that it changed your life! The change being, the way you think, the way you lose trust, not being able to open up to people so much, not be able to open up your heart to love, or not to let yourself get close to others again for the simple reason of fear it may happen again.
It is a good thing to be able to forgive that person, let alone yourself maybe, but how do you begin to do this if so much damage is already done?
RE: Forgiveness
Morning All and What a beautiful, sunny morning it is..
I have been pondering a little more on forgiveness and have look back at events from recent to past.. and it got me thinking.. which also goes into 2nd chances or more lol..
A couple of thoughts
If we have really truly forgiven someone, then we would?????? give them another chance, but to give another .. another chance, then the person would need to know what they have done, for it we carry on as things were, we would go full circle, and more than likely get hurt again....
But on the other hand, should we give another chance to another? is that saying I forgive you, but u can do what u did again? as some people never learn or look at their actions, so will carry on?
Then of course there are some things, that can never ever be repaired, so forgivenes, acceptance comes into play, but to walk your own path...
As said before, each person travels the path of forgiveness different and in many respects, it is also a personal journey, and the path or road we choose, will be right for us at that time, and who knows, later down the path how we may feel, as for me, I am amazed at how far I have come... where as once I would of chewed, got angry etc.. but now look at the situation as one whole, then break down into seperate segments of why someone behaves like they do... yes in some cases I/we can make allowances, as those that hurt us, are also on a journey, and may oneday find that something within, and will see the error of their ways..
Me and some final thoughts.. I never close the door on those that have hurt me, and will try and try... but to try and try, takes alot of talking, looking at self, looking at others, and working thru things.. but then it has to be a 2 way, otherwise, back to square one....
We all have prob done things to another, and this is also another way how to look at events etc around us, if we hurt someone, would we like to be forgiven? in many cases I would say yes... esp if we really did not mean to hurt another and a sequent of events took place and things got out of hand as one example... actions always in more cases than not cause reactions... the ripple in the pond...
So thats my thoughts today.. and some expanded thoughts....
Love Flowerx
RE: Forgiveness
ORIGINAL: jonjo
There is also the point of view that while you are letting them continue to influence your present day thoughts and actions, they are still exercising a controlling power over you.
Everyone has their own way of 'disconnecting' with offenders, abusers and hurtful relationships, and once you have done that you have the satisfaction of knowing they no longer hold any power over you.
Not sure if I have put this very clearly, tonight but hope it makes sense.
jj
I felt I had to comment on this post.
My sons father was a bully the whole time I was with him and even after we had been split up 8 years he continued to bully me and try to have power over me.
2 years ago he started a new 'war' against me because of child maintanence and this lasted for 18 months.
In this time he threatened to have me beat up, have me killed, kill me himself, burn me out my house....etc...
He even gave me a torrent of abuse on my own doorstep resulting in him actually headbutting me on my doorstep and my 4 year old daughter saw it all 🙁
I got the police involved but it wasn't handled correctly and he wasn't arrested for the harrasment or the assault.
6 months later after he had returned to a lower level of anger and we had come to an agreement about access and everything was ok the police decided that I had been right all along and they could arrest him after all. Because I didn't want it all starting up again I let it drop.
The point I want to make about the post I quoted was....How do i stop feeling scared that he is going to do this again....I live in fear that if I do something to upset him it was start all over again 🙁
He is still controlling me isn't he....what can I do?
Hayley
RE: Forgiveness
Hi Julybabe,
that is a hard one especialy in the current political climate. What I would see as the most important question is, what effect is it having on your son? Not only the direct contact with his father but also through the effect it is having on you. As parents we try to protect our kids but they feel it a lot when there is something wrong. I can't give you any hard and fast advice just make sure your kids are safe and don't suffer.
Rocky.
RE: Forgiveness
Flower
I have PM you about starting a new thread on the subject you raised. So important to discuss on its own merit.
RE: Forgiveness
Julybabe
first of all a warm welcome to the life coaching forum. It is great to have you here and I hope that you will come back and post again. And thank you so much for sharing your testimony. So sad to read but so helpful to many here on HP.
You also said...
The point I want to make about the post I quoted was....How do i stop feeling scared that he is going to do this again....I live in fear that if I do something to upset him it was start all over again.
He is still controlling me isn't he....what can I do?
Well Hayley there are no clear cut answers. yes, somehow he still has power over you and he will keep having it until you live in fear of him. Oh sure I understand very well why you fear him. Who wouldn't having read your story? But... that is the key isn't it? Now there many things we can do to overcome fear and to break the circle of power and a new thread is going to be started on this very important issue.
One thing you can do straight away is to make sure that you are strong (emotionally I mean more than physically) to stand his abuse and react in a cilised manner.
The second thing, being in this thread, is to ... forgive him and so contribute to break the power he has over you.
The third thing is to see the beauty of your family and to focus on that, focus on your kinds, your job and let the nastiness of this experience wash over you.
Sure, it will not be easy to do many of thse things but it is a step in the right direction.
Take care.
RE: Forgiveness
Thank you all for taking the time to answer 🙂
RE: Forgiveness
Hi..
Another thought with Forgiveness...
When we forgive another, that could been seen as a weakness by the person we are forgiving, in as much they may just see that, as ok, that give me permsission to do same??? depending on the person and their attitude....
or.. maybe our own egos may think we are weak ourselves by forgiving...
To others it may seem as one of strength to forgive.... yet it can or maybe very hard to find that strenght..
Just some added thoughts....
Flowerx
RE: Forgiveness
Flower
great points. However, personally, I think that forgiveness is a powerful strength. Sure the offender may see it as a weaknes and I would say... so what? let them think that and delude themselves that they have won a victory over us when actually is the forgiver who has won the battle.
Sure we may struggle in giving forgiveness and some times, though not always, it is our bruised ego that gets in the way. That is when we say things such as ...why should it? He/she should apologise, not me! and so on.
Forgiveness is not easy and the postings in this thread confirm that. But.... it's the only winning way ahead.