okay, its a long story but I may have found the issue, I'll explain how we met and go from there.
My wife is currently 24yrs old and I am 28yrs old, We met when she was 17 and I was 21. She had a couple of bf's in high school but nothing really serious, one bf she went out for a year with. When her and I met, things moved very quickly after 3 weeks she said she loved me, after 3 months, she moved in with me.. all went so fast. She Acted out alot, like a spoiled child.. always wanted things her way and her previous bf's she always got it, and that never lasted, with me I stood my ground said yes sometimes, for the sake of peace, but most times I said NO.
She is very sexually active high libido and seemed at first when we met she used it against me.. She only seems to befriend males, as she said her and females do not get along ( she does have female friends thou ) through our relationship she has matured a lot, but at one point she gained some weight and got Alopecia. She still has it but the hair is regrowing. I noticed she makes an emotional attachment to her male friends. Easily finds her self attracted to them, and they always seem to be older, sometimes not much but at one point the man was in his 40s.. once at her parents a family friend was there that she worked with,my wife got drunk and was all over him, hugging and sitting on his lap.. did not look very nice.. now recently her and I were not doing to well.. I was focused on our finances and not giving her much attention, so at work she received attention from another man, he was nice to her, pretended to be interested in her as a friend, asked how I was, what I did and wanted to meet me.. so she felt comfortable being his friend.. but she became attracted to him.. so one day he invited her to come hang out with some friends from work, he then said no one wanted to come why do you not come over while I house sit.. as trusting and naive she is...she went. Well long story short he got her drunk, kept feeding her booze and kissed her just before she was leaving, but she did not stop and kissed him back. shortly after she stopped, called me and said she screwed up and said to pick her up.. I was furious of course.. She did not want to believe she was taken advantage of or that he did nothing wrong.. at one point she admitted she knew he liked her, but did not expect him to do anything but she knew there was a chance and would stop it, but has no idea why she didn't and said she liked it. I know she regrets it a lot... since she changed instantly.
She went after a new career, started to exercise, make me coffee clean more and being very nice..She is also jelouse of her friends, they are pregnant now, and she wants a kid, or she will get upset when one friend hangs out with another and she was not invited, or to a point where some of her friends have more likes on facebook. Her parents growing up were not really there for her, she was caught stealing condoms in gr10, and her dad did ground her, but her friends and bf were allowed to come over. She would be kissing a guy in her basement and her mom would just laugh, or when her and I met we would fool around there and nothing.
She is very promiscuous, as if she uses sex to control men.
Her mom once allowed me to sleep over, but then called her dad and told him she said no, but we did not listen.. Her dad never really taught her anything.. was no role model to her, not much.. when she was 3 he was drunk babysitting and she opened the door to a stranger. She never recalls him saying I love you.. and recently asked if he cared to walk her down the Isle at her wedding and he said it does not matter to him ( we talked about this recently and she burst in to tears)
Her dad pays alot more attention to his son, he is also military and when he is in trouble he is always there to help.. my wife's sister also went through something similar and is with a man who is almost 60 and she is 39.. they met when she was 24 and he was in his 40's.
Her mother always seems to be jealouse of my wife.. feeds her dessert when she is trying to lose weight when she says she does not want any..
To add, my wife never seems happy, always wants to change the rooms around.. buys stuff we do not need, its as if whatever I do its never enough.
When she drinks she becomes very sexual..almost dominating. Actually most times she goes past the comfort zone with other men, is when she had a few too many. The night where the person kissed her, she did drink wine. (Alcohol has been part of her family growing up.) Its as if she was taking any attention she got, weather it be a hug a high five or even a kiss, so that she does not push anyone away, its almost as if she is scared I will leave her and she has some back up just in case her and I go sour.
At first she told me what she did she wanted to and screwed up, but I found that hard to believe as I do not feel its in her nature to be a cheater.. Cheaters are sneaky when they cheat, and not feel remorseful, and call their husband as soon as it happens to be picked up, knowing she would have nothing if I left her and she would be forced to go back to her parents and start from scratch again. Plus she changed a lot after that, and for the good. So can anyone explain this behavior to me.. She knows she has a problem, admitted to it and will be seeing a psychiatrist.. she has no idea why she did what she did and reassures me it will never happen again.
What do you guys make of this ?
If this is in the wrong section you can move it. thank you for taking the time in reading this.
Hi Rob,
From what you are describing, your wife would benefit from some psychotherapy/ counselling, as in my experience these kind of difficulties do not tend to go away just on their own.
When we grow up in a family where our emotional needs are neglected (and you mention alcohol issues in her family, which always make it more difficult and often traumatic for a child), we tend to have problems with forming healthy relationships/attachments when we grow up, and developing various forms of behavioural addictions or substance addictions is very common (I am not saying that your wife is addicted but from your description some of her behaviour in relationships with men appears to be compulsive).
Alopecia is also a sign of severe stress, so whatever your wife can do to improve her emotional wellbeing would be a good thing. I would very much recommend EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) for self-help (there is lots of free information on the internet, e.g. ), but seeing a psychotherapist/counsellor who understands attachment issues would be really useful. You could also try couples counselling, but this will not necessarily replace individual therapy.
Best of luck
Masha
Hey thank you for the reply.. I've been told about psychotherapy as well.. Something I will check out for sure, now is there a diagnosis for this behaviour, can it be fixed? Now the reason she gets emotional ally attached to men, could it be the relationship ship with her father? Sorry to bombard you with so many questions, just really want to help her out. Thanks again
Hi again Rob,
It would not be possible (or appropriate) to offer a "diagnosis" via a forum - and any diagnosis could only be a simplistic label to describe the vastly more complex and mysterious nature of our emotions, so is not necessarily helpful.
But in general terms, issues in our adult relationship patterns do tend to result from early relationship/attachment problems with parents or other significant people in a child's life, so if you feel that her relationship with her father is relevant, then it probably is. She may or may not acknowledge this herself, but therapy should help her explore and begin to heal these issues. Therapy for attachment problems is not a quick fix and can take a long time - though something like EFT can speed it up considerably.
Masha
P.S. If you would like to understand your wife's issues better, I would very much recommend the following book [url]A General Theory of Love (Vintage): Amazon.co.uk: Thomas Lewis, Fari Amini, Richard Lannon: Books[/url]
She may also find it helpful herself
Hey masha, yes she is aware of certain things, especially her relationship with her father. She knows she has a problem, she always requires change, never satisfied or never happy with the amount attention I provide her, hence her going else where.. Usually it's just emotional and even harmless, just this time a line was crossed, but it happens with her low self esteem.
Hi, it's great that you're so concerned for your wife- and obviously her behaviour is affecting your relationship. But- unless she really wants to change- and takes responsibility for that- I don't think much will happen. You may make some suggestions but it's up to her to be really committed to improving your marriage. Perhaps it needs to be your wife that's posting on this forum!! HTH Hom
She does acknowledge there is a problem and does want to change. So we're looking at the best way possible
Hey Masha, I just purchased that book from amazon.. thank you
has anyone else been through something similar in their past ?
Hi Rob
Thumbs up Rob for the interest you have in helping your wife. Am sure with such effort things will work out for you. You are both willing to fix this problem and thats a good sign.
now is there a diagnosis for this behaviour, can it be fixed?
Hi Rob
There has been some good advice/feedback.:) I can only add that there are a number of points in your post that could relate to more than one diagnosis and cannot be diagnosed on a forum. Considering therapy in order to explore the behaviour seems to be a strong consideration to be a way forward. also to consider that your wife first must feel herself it is a problem and that she alone will need to decide if she wishes to visit a Counsellor/Psychotherapist herself. This is important in the therapy process.
Mahsa B raised some good comments regarding attachment/trauma.
I can understand how helpless you may feel, I expect you have tried yourself in a way to help fix things. If a sense of guilt is experienced try to find relief in that it is common for partners,family and friends to try to help and feel frustration that nothing seems to work. For a correct assesment to be made consider a one to one with a therapist.
Hope your wife finds the help she needs and you are both supported through this period.
Take care.
Sacrel
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