Hi everyone, need some advice for avery close friend of mine who has a problem with drugs...
She's been taking a lot of drugs (speed, pot, alcohol, especially cocaine) since she was 15 and is now 29, and uses them to self medicate when down. She smokes pot (he strong stuff) every day, takes probably 5-8 grams of coke a week, mostly on her own during the day). She's been diagnosed with depression by the doctor and signed off work for the last 6-7 months, although hasn't told them about any drug taking. She's been prescribed 4 ciprimil a day. For a start this seems a massive dose, could it endanger her life with the coke and alcohol?
My feeling is that the doc would probably reduce or stop this dose if he found out about the drugs, and get into a rhab programme instead.
She's a good friend, but turns up at my house in a state, pouring herself a drink from a bottle of sherry in her handbag or going to the loo to do lines. She'll make a big point of telling me she did 2 gram last night, or drunk a bottle of wine this morning to see my reaction. I have two young kids and this isn't on. She was invited for xmas day, but I can't guarantee she won't turn up having been up all night taking coke, and I'll have to spend the day (again) locked in the bathroom/bedroom reasuuring her that no she's not a bad person, as she tells me of her awful childhood etc etc. My hubby has his foot down, he doesn't want her here, so I've had to tell her but she wouldn't even let me explain before having a right go and basically I feel like a bad friend.
For the record I think her childhood was quite normal as I know her parents and family, I know it's not possible to see things from her point of view but we've all been through stuff, parents affairs, divorce (her parents are still happily married)etc etc my dad had MS which he died from last year for gods sake, that was af ew years after he ran off with my mums best friend! I know she saw a counsellor who told her thje depression was all the result of her childhood etc etc, and she wants to blame it on everyone persecuting her. I think her parents have just had enough of her treatingthem so badly and never accepting responsibility for her actions.
She won't listen to me I'v etried to support her over the years, shes lost most of her other friends.I've got her drug and counselling info, and tried to talk her into getting help. My Sister in law quit codeine painkillers recently after being addicted for 15yrs so I've seen first hand the kind of support available in our area and its fantastic.
Basically at what point to I say I can't do any more if she's not willing to help herself? I have two young kids and a husband, I'm re-training in my career and it's all suffering cos of worry and time etc. I dont want her round my kids, my 4yr old is beginning to noticesomethings wrong with karen, I don't want her first memories to be of mummys 'weird friend' smoking pot in our garden.
I feel a bit of bitch distancing myself but I do feel angry that some people in life have nothing, or have it all taken away such as in the case of my dad who had MS for 20 years, whilst someone like her has everything, a family who lov eher, a good job, shes attractive and intelligent but wants to throw it all away. Her mum is ignoring me because of the xmas thing, if only she knew the reason why, I've promised my friend I wouldn't say anything.
I know she's tried to commit suicide before when she was younger, I think it was a half hearted attempt though, but I'm frightened she's going to kill herself by accident or cause irreparable damage to her body.
xxxx
RE: Advice for a friend
I feel for you - your friend has the problems but it is you who is carrying all the weight of the problem as she is obviously oblivious of the pain and confusion she is causing. You sound like a best friend -
she only makes you feel like a bad friend because it serves a purpose. This might sound cruel but I believe in tough love - Tried to explain the term but it got long so I surfed a bit, put tought love into your search engine and you will find a whole lot of info, here is one of the websites and I copied and pasted a piece as I think this probably discribes you: [link= http://joy2meu.com/tough_love.htm ]http://joy2meu.com/tough_love.htm[/link]
Enabling is a term used in 12 step recovery to describe the behavior of family members, or other loved ones, who rescue an alcoholic or drug addict from the consequences of their own self destructive behavior.
A person who is acting out self destructively has no reason to change if they do not ever suffer major consequences for their behavior. If they are rescued from consequences, they are enabled to continue practicing their addiction.
So, your friend is responsible for her actions - you are responsible for yourself and your family. I understand that she is your friend and that you care but in order forher actionsnot to influince your family you have to let her go on with her own life.Make it clear that you love her but if she comes to your house she will be sober, will not smoke (or take drugs) in your house, will not drink in your house etc.you set the ground rules (probably discuss this with your hubby so that he understands your reasoning and you have his full support).If she comes to visit and has done anything it is your right to say sorry, I love you but I can see you are 'high' so come back when you are sober -alternatively tell her that she is not welcome untill she is completely clean. Sounds hard but tough love is hard because she has to feel the consequences of her actions.
Not sure if this helps at all - there is so much advise and information on the net - please do look at it. Suppose their is only one question, who is most important to you, your friend or your own family......
Jo
RE: Advice for a friend
Hi
it sounds like your friend has got herself into one big loop of uppers & downers, she really needs to take responsibility of her own actions and for a start come clean with her doctor as I'm sure the doctor will have to take into account her 'recreation' drugs before prescribing any antidepresants. Reading your post I feel like she's reaching out to you for help...or sympathy??
She needs to help herself & stop blaming others for where she is in her life right now, tell her theres no help that you can give to her until she understands that she has to help herself. Your a mother now & your children are the most important & you don't want them exposed to this...I also know people who still use coke, speed ect...people I used to know from before motherhood but I don't have anything to do with them anymore & certainly don't have them in my house...I remember about 12 years ago, one of my friends had a baby & she had a few friends round at her house & one of them had unknowingly dropped a wrap of speed, she found it the next day in her 12 month olds mouth...luckily she'd only just put it in her mouth & hadn't consummed any but could you imagine if she had......for that reason I don't have people that irresponsibly take drugs in my home
Your not being a bitch because you've reached the end of your tether with her, she's not your responsibility, your family are, the best thing you could do is be honest with her, tell her to take responsibility for herself, she needs help from someone 'qualifide' & who understands what they're dealing with, she's got an addiction...an illness & therefor needs professional help..you could offer to go with her & support her if she gets help to stop using but you can't do it for her & you can't let her keep burdening you & your kids don't need to have this in their home enviroment
Wish you all the best
Love
Amy
x
RE: Advice for a friend
Thanks Jo, yes that is me! I think it has reached the point now where I have to say enoughs enough for her own good. I strongly believe that you can't start climbing back up if you haven't yet reached rock bottom, and I don't think she has yet.
Its a horrible thing to say but she totally believes that it's all other peoples fault, the drink, drugs and everything, I wish she could see she is in charge of her own destiny!
The tough love approach is hard but I think I will have to try as my husband and kids and future are the most important thing to me.
xx
RE: Advice for a friend
Glad that it made some sense to you and I wish you well. There are things she is going to have to see for herself and when the time is right she probably will. Untill that time nothing you can say or do will let her see that this is self inflicted and she is responsible. We all have lessons to learn while on the earthplane - hers, her addictions and maybe yours is to let go - not to be responsible for everybody.
I will send Reiki withlight and love to your friend and her situation - and love and light to yourself to be strong and to get over this hurdle.
Jo
RE: Advice for a friend
Hi there,
It's a huge difference between talking about drugs from a clear person point of view and from an addicted person point of view. It's easy to say that you can quit if you're strong enough....it's not so easy when you're fighting every day with the pain and the agony...A websiteI found some other day, [link= http://www.aboutdrugtreatment.org/ ]Drug Treatment[/link], was trying to offer more information about the different types of addiction..for you to be ready to fight...even if it's not you the one...
Take care and stay clear...
Aspasia.
RE: Advice for a friend
peppermintmoon, have you ever heard of an intervention? this person needs one badly! its done out of love for both her and your family! these do work alot of the time and it could save her life!
RE: Advice for a friend
addiction has to come to a point of rock bottom and self realisation that the addict doesn't want to do this anymore and no one repeat n one can get anyone who isn't ready to get that point a shove.
Tough love has been said
Narcotics anoymous os an excellent fellowhip and may i suggest that if your freind recognises and wants to stop the only requiremnt for membership is a desir to stop drugs..If she wants to go maybe you could go with her to a couple of meetings , call them up , but only if that is what she wants
People in those rooms understand and know they have all been there
Good Luck
xJune