hello
i posted in the emotional forum a few weeks ago about problems with jealousy in my relationship. i have been working hard to get past this and have been looking into my childhood and how my mother behaved towards my father, and have picked up a lot of my behaviours from her. this is just the tip of the iceberg for me regarding emotional problems. i have overcome serious problems with anxiety and can be controlling and fearful and very insecure. i fear change and have difficulty making friends. i have been with my partner a year now and still have not met most of his friends, they are all a big group of friends and socialising with them scares the life out of me. it means a lot to him that i get to know them, and i am running out of excuses.
one thing that i never talk about or think about even though i know it has affected me greatly is that my mother is an alcoholic. my mum and dad split when i was about 12 and i lived alone with my mother for about 4 years after this, during which time her drinking worsened and times were really not very good. i never really thought before that it may be my mum's alcoholism that might have impacted how i behave in my relationships and socially.
i have been doing some reading online and have come across stuff about adult children of alcoholics, and a lot of the traits of these children really hit home for me. i ordered 2 books from amazon that will come tomorrow. i really want to understand this, not so that i can excuse or justify my behaviour, which is always improving as i am constantly working on myself, but so that i can move on properly, forgive my mum and not repeat these patterns anymore.
i am 28 now and in the best relationship i have ever had, so feel as though i am at a point now that i can face the issues about my past and my mum. i need to do this as i am causing problems in this relationship with my trust issues and sometimes controlling ways. i try hard to fight it but sometimes i just slip back into "old ways"
having always been terrified by the thought of having children of my own, i have been getting broody for the first time ever recently, and this has prompted me to look at these issues more because i do not want to pass on my "issues" to my children.
my question really is, are there any other children of alcoholics here? have you found that your relationships have suffered or that you have problems in your life as a result? i don't know anyone else who has an alcoholic parent, so haven't really got anyone to talk to about this. it would just be nice to connect with someone who understands, or who maybe at a further stage of healing than i am.
thank you for reading.. blessings
white doves xx
Hi Whitedoves,
Thanks for posting.
I too am a 43yr old child of an adult alcoholic, although unlike you I talk about it without any problems. I see my childhood as a blessing because without it I wouldn't be the person I am today. I've learnt so much about myself and others. Some of the questions I explored on my journey;
Who was my mother as a child?
What sort of family did she grow up in? full of love, argument, criticism etc.
What options were open to her as a child to help her fulfil her dreams?
Why did she marry my father?
Was the relationship doomed to begin with?
Did she try to heal herself via relationship with my father?
Did she have children because she wanted to create the family she never had?
These are just some of the questions I asked myself and my mother (just before she died) to understand why and how she became the person I knew. I found that the more I understood the woman the more I compassion I found for her. I began to naturally find forgiveness and love for the things that happened. She was a product of her environment and childhood as much as I was.
When my mum passed away in 1994 when I was 28yrs we had a deep love, understanding and forgiveness for each other. I had made the transition from child to adult. My mother and I became to adult women who found equal admiration for one another. No stone was left unturned for either of us.
With regards to change - life is change. You can't control the natural evolution of life. The only thing you can do is stay grounded and go with it because you can't fight and win. The only thing you can change is your own attitude. Everything else is just exhausting.
I've found peace (with both parents) in who I am and where I came from. When you find that, you no longer have need to control. Healing is an interesting journey, at times, scary, thrilling, emotional but, most of all liberating!! If at first you don't succeed - KEEP TRYING!!! You'll be rewarded.
Best of luck on your journey.
Go well, Sue
Hello White Doves,
While my Mother was not an alcoholic, she had/has got mental health problems, I often find that the children of parents with either a problem with alcohol/substance misuse and or mental health problems have similar and sometimes identical life experiences concerning the parent/child dynamic, the child being the parent and the parent being the child this means that not only was somebody very much dependent on us in so many different ways while we were too young to cope with it, it also means we did all this unsupported and in many cases while being abused in other ways such as emotionally, physically and sexually so it is hardly any wonder we end up with issues, your post touched me you are doing such a wonderful job of trying to understand and process your feelings and healing, I hope you are remembering to give yourself the recognition you deserve on a daily basis for all the healing you are doing. I was especially touched when you said you don't want to take your issues into Motherhood if only many Mother's recognised the importance of this like you are doing.
I have a feeling you would love a little book by Rokelle Lerner called Afirmations for your Inner Child, it's a sweet little book for adult children of alcoholics with a beautiful afirmation for every day of the year and I am sure she was guided by the angels when she wrote it because each page seems meant for that day.
Another book you might like is Toxic Parents by Dr. Susan Forward this is a gentle book for making the transition from wounded/abandoned/abused child to an emotionally mature adult.
Keep us posted, you are an absolute star!
Love
Rebecca xx
Sue, your post was beautiful I wish I could go down that road with my Mum, that of forgiveness and love but she would see it as a sign of weekeness and a jolly good excuse to kick my head in once a week, I am so glad you made peace with yours before she went to the other side.
Love
Rebecca xx
Wow Ladies !!
You are all stars in your own rights! what a journey and what transformations. you have all had...and what a wonderful journey you are still having...
..I am another on that same sort of journey..thankfully have come out the other end, and i owe that to my own self growth, thirst for inner peace, and ultimately my ability to forgive my father who was the alcoholic in my family many many years ago.
Sadly this break through came only 4 years after his death in a car accident in my own journey..which lead to me eventually becoming a counsellor my self working with addicts, and the abused alike... At the time of his death, life was a nightmare for me my brother, little sister and especially to my mother who took it all form every level. It was painful seeing her endure that way!
The peace I celebrate now stems from appreciating my own father's vulnerbilities, inabilities, lack of skills, his environment as well as rejoicing all his strenghts that he partly gave to me and my siblings too.. I now pro-actively opt to see the yin and the yang in him!
Don't get me wrong forgiving him didn't come easy, and I used alot of CBT and recently EFT and even NLP to shift certain holes and emotions left inside of me.
Thankfully I have perspectives and they have been laid to rest now..
You may find it useful to do a bit of EFT tapping on your self as a way of healing your own self .. Try it!
May you find peace and a great place inside your heart to love and cherrish your mother too 🙂
with warm wishes
Vathani xx
Hello Vathani,
Your post is lovely, I too went on to study counselling, thank you for sharing your journey your post is inspiring.
Love
Rebecca x
Glad you are feeling better Sunbeam and you are very welcome xx