My wife and i are getting rid of our Vacuum cleaner since we had laminate flooring put in after all its just laying around collecting dust.
That reminds me of a Mae West joke.
At a party, Mae West saunters up to a good looking guy and asks,
"so....what do you do?"
He replies "I lay carpets"
She eyes him up and down and says "well.....if you should change your mind...!" :p
Naughty but nice..;)
HAHA! i lol'd at that one!
A school puts on a nativity play... the 3 wise men shuffle on to the stage.
First one shouts out "I BRING YOU GOLD!" and hands Mary a shiny parcel.
2nd wise man dutifully follows with "I bring you myrhh"......then there is a pause.
3rd wise man is looking nervous. He gets nudged and blurts out "and Frank sent this"
A dog once strayed into the jungle.
A tiger sees this from a distance and says with caution “this creature looks edible, never seen his kind before." So the tiger starts rushing towards the dog with menace.
The dog notices and starts to panic, but as he’s about to run he sees some bones next to him and he had an idea, he loudly said, “mmm…that was some good tiger meat!” The tiger abruptly stops and says ”Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can."
Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realized he can benefit from this situation by telling the tiger and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the tiger what really happened and the tiger says angrily, “get on my back, we’ll attack him together." So they start rushing back to the dog.
The dog sees them and realized what happened, then starts to panic even more. He then thought of another idea and shouted, “Where the hell is that monkey? I told him to bring me another tiger an hour ago…”
“Doctor, how can you tell whether someone is an idiot, even if he looks normal to you?”
“For that, we have special questions.”
“Can you name an example?”
“Mountaineer Brown climbed Mount Everest three times but he was killed during one of these ascents. Can you tell me which one?”
“But doctor, that surely won't work for people like me who know nothing about mountaineering.”
A Groucho Marx oneliner
"He may LOOK like an idiot....but don't let that fool you - he really is an idiot!"
A morning prayer:
So far today, God, I have done all right.
I haven't gossiped. I haven't lost my temper and haven't been greedy, nasty, grumpy, selfish or over indulgent.
And I haven't told anyone to mind their own business and stay out of mine. I am really glad about that.
But in a few minutes, God, I am going to get out of bed.
And from then on, I am probably going to need a lot of help.
That reminds me of a version of saying grace ...
"Good food, good meat, Good God let's eat!"
That reminds me of a version of saying grace ...
"Good food, good meat, Good God let's eat!"
Haha!
I get paid to be nice at work.
Not sure why my family and friends expect the same for free.
I went to the doctor and he gave me 2 months to live. So I shot him.
Judge gave me 30 years.
Doctor to patient "I have some bad news for you. You have hypochondria"
"....NOT that as well!?"
Eye specialist: how can I help?
Man: Doc, I am in serious trouble, I see two
Doctor: All four of you?
I am using some of these jokes next time my sons come over to practice my joke telling. I can never remember the punch line..lol
I am using some of these jokes next time my sons come over to practice my joke telling. I can never remember the punch line..lol
Then spare a thought for those of us that did stand up comedy! Lots of rehearsing!!
Then spare a thought for those of us that did stand up comedy! Lots of rehearsing!!
Hello Amy, having good evening I hope..yes it does require a lot of rehearsing. 3 of my sons are great joke tellers and so quick on their feet..the one daughter is so freaking funny! Then other daughter very very dry but to the point..then me needing practice + practice. But who know I could get jokes on the forum...loving my life.
I quit drinking for good
Now I drink for evil
I quit drinking for good
Now I drink for evil
That's my kind of joke. Laughing...
Miss Universe contestants all come from Earth
That's my kind of joke. Laughing...
Haha. Me too. I can't read half a page long ones. Short are the best. Next!
Miss Universe contestants all come from Earth
Omg...really?.lol
Haha. Me too. I can't read half a page long ones. Short are the best. Next!
I barely can read.
I barely can read.
Your quipping "I barely can read" then I should say, "I cannot read at all" then you could tell how you can't hold a book and so on.....reminds me of this Monty python sketch...
Your quipping "I barely can read" then I should say, "I cannot read at all" then you could tell how you can't hold a book and so on.....reminds me of this Monty python sketch...
/blockquote>
Exactly...you got my small attempt to be funny...laughing.
I have been reading a book on anti-gravity. I can't put it down
And then God created Saturn.
He liked it so much, that he put a ring on it
I have been reading a book on anti-gravity. I can't put it down
And then God created Saturn.
He liked it so much, that he put a ring on it
Laughing...oh Saturn.
My boss texted me, "Send me one of your funny jokes."
I replied, "I'm working at the moment, I will send you one later."
He replied, "That was fantastic, send me another one."