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I feel like I have a very shallow level of inner confidence because I feel almost totally alone within my family.
My parents have been separated since I was around 3. My father is of Chinese descent, from a long line of 'fighters' and his culture is quite rich in many ways. My mother is Jewish, her grandfather was a Rabbi and in many ways this is also a culture rich side of my family. Both sides of the family are very firm on the importance of family coming first...
The problem is that I feel like I have inherited just a tiny amount from each side. It's not such an issue that my parents were not together when I grew up, but more so that I had no one to sympathise with me my whole life and no true sense of belonging or heritage. It often feels like I can look through a glass window and see how things could be and how great a person I would feel. Indeed I see it all the time in the people around me.
I have never seen any relatives on my fathers side. I have not lived with him longer than a month, just the one time. Growing up in my Grandparent's house, with my mother, we were all bullied by my grandmother. I feel like this is the biggest problem, as she is the type who "holds the purse strings", but uses that as her way of controlling everyone. I am a very creative, open-minded, adventurous and determined thinker but she is a very fearful, distrusting, old fashioned type of person. This destroyed my childhood, and I spent much of the years from age 10 to 19 arguing with her, trying in vain to do things right to please her and inevitably living in fear of being verbally attacked by her. I have noticed how this has created social anxiety and a sense of inferiority in me.
On the other hand my father has a very reckless, almost sociopathic personality and has created many arguments in my grandmother's household over issues of money and 'respect'. And given that I did not see him very often, had been consistently exposed to his temper/arguing and only heard bad stories about the terrible things he had done, I don't see him as someone that can be relied on.
So basically that leaves only my mother and grandfather to talk to about things. Both were suppressed by my grandmother's overpowering mood swings and judgemental, controlling nature. Each time I try to mention anything to them, to explain the kind of bullying I have been exposed to, all the put downs I put up with every day, it does not work as 'blood is thicker than water and I should be less sensitive'.
That's precisely the problem, you tell me blood is thicker than water but then you expect me to have no self respect and put up with all this **** from my own family. The more I explain, the more defensive they become, even though they know I am right. It just feels like they don't appreciate how damaging this is to me and how much I've sacrificed as a result.
And again, with my father, he has always been something of a manipulative figure who would always be asking for favours, monetary or otherwise, and would always speak disrespectfully of those on my mother's side, including my mother.
So in summary what I feel is a sense of self grievance. I just want to feel a sense of belonging and understanding from the people closest to me. I want delete my social anxiety by getting some self confidence back. I try so hard to do things right and have been a moderately high achiever up until now (my early 20s). But I am rather sure that I would have achieved so much more if certain things didn't block my path at every turn. I know this because I never give up and can see what I am capable of even though I have only been able to explore myself and my interests recently, whilst I was away on a gap year. Familial issues and the anxiety, social phobia, etc that come with it are the only things that have been preventing me from becoming the person I know I should have been (and I suppose, can still become, maybe)
I am a very caring person but sometimes I think that the best way of dealing with it is by cutting certain members of my family out of my life entirely, which I do not want to do 🙁
In many ways, what your family is or has been doesn’t matter. I know that this can be a hard concept to grasp and even harder to feel, but what does matter is where you go from here. What I would suggest is that you see a shamanic practitioner, get a soul retrieval and possibly some shamanic counselling and then move on.
The thing is – we take responsibility in the end, not because it is ‘our fault’ (there is nothing to be gained from blame), but because changing ourselves and our responses to others is something that we can take control of. We cannot change other people.
I’m interested in your last paragraph -
I am a very caring person but sometimes I think that the best way of dealing with it is by cutting certain members of my family out of my life entirely, which I do not want to do
Why do you not want to cut yourself off from those who behave like this towards you? What do they give you that you need? (Because if the answer were ‘nothing’, you would probably have done so already.) Whatever it is that stops you, that is what a soul retrieval might help with.
In many ways, what your family is or has been doesn’t matter. I know that this can be a hard concept to grasp and even harder to feel, but what does matter is where you go from here. What I would suggest is that you see a shamanic practitioner, get a soul retrieval and possibly some shamanic counselling and then move on.
The thing is – we take responsibility in the end, not because it is ‘our fault’ (there is nothing to be gained from blame), but because changing ourselves and our responses to others is something that we can take control of. We cannot change other people.I’m interested in your last paragraph -
Why do you not want to cut yourself off from those who behave like this towards you? What do they give you that you need? (Because if the answer were ‘nothing’, you would probably have done so already.) Whatever it is that stops you, that is what a soul retrieval might help with.
Thank you for the response. I certainly agree with many of your points.
With regards to why I don't just cut them off, it's because they aren't bad people, but people who behave kindly most of the time. It's the 10% of the time that I'm anticipating and that causes problems. If that 10% wasn't there I'd probably be a very happy person.
And logically I'd much prefer to keep relationships positive as there are benefits such as having a place to live for a short while longer and financial support. These are obviously people who have had bad things happen to them in one way or another, and as a result they sometimes behave in a way that is destructive to others. If I'm caught in the middle of it, it's not my fault, but at the same time I shouldn't put up with it and that's where I'm stuck.
Is my best solution to use techniques you would use on a child and just remove their toys (ie contact with, and responsibility over, me) when they misbehave? But rather than expect their behaviour to change, I should just use it as a way of saying "no, you can't treat me this way, whether you understand why or not"
Hi Darkplace
Unfortunately I haven't time to answer your questions because I'm away for a few days but will do so on my return next week.
Wishing you all the best
With regards to why I don't just cut them off, it's because they aren't bad people, but people who behave kindly most of the time. It's the 10% of the time that I'm anticipating and that causes problems. If that 10% wasn't there I'd probably be a very happy person.
And logically I'd much prefer to keep relationships positive as there are benefits such as having a place to live for a short while longer and financial support. These are obviously people who have had bad things happen to them in one way or another, and as a result they sometimes behave in a way that is destructive to others. If I'm caught in the middle of it, it's not my fault, but at the same time I shouldn't put up with it and that's where I'm stuck.
You are the only one who can decide if these benefits are sufficient to make it worth your while to put up with the situation.
No, it isn’t your fault, but it is in your power to remove yourself from the middle. Therefore, whether you do or not remains your choice.
Is my best solution to use techniques you would use on a child and just remove their toys (ie contact with, and responsibility over, me) when they misbehave? But rather than expect their behaviour to change, I should just use it as a way of saying "no, you can't treat me this way, whether you understand why or not"
I don’t know what your best solution is, as only you can weigh up the benefits and disadvantages to you. I can only suggest the shamanic work that I mentioned before. Of course, shamanism is not to everyone’s taste, but it is the only type of healing that I know a great deal about.
I don't know how old you are, but if old enough to work or find a way to move out, then you can visit say once or twice a week whilst maintaining your independence from the toxic energy of the situation. You need to also heal from the effects of the past on your confidence, and for that I recommend EFT applied in a specific way. If you want more in-depth advice, you are welcome to pm or email me 🙂