hello, i really hope someone can help me. i know this is a long message and might not make great sense but please stick with me!
i am in my thirties and i have been in a (gay) relationship with my partner for just over a year. i have always had anxiety issues and it has always come up in my relationships.
everything is always fine for the first 6 months during the honeymoon period and then after that it all seems to go wrong and i get very needy and jealous. with my current girlfriend, the same thing has happened.
the past few months have been really difficult. she is very independent and likes her own space. she is not the most affectionate person and has also not wanted a lot of intimacy lately, which she says is down to work and that she just loses interest from time to time its not because she's not attracted to me anymore or anything. if we have an argument she has a hard time letting it go she gets distant from me for a few days whereas i am more the type that just forgets it and moves on.
the main problem is that i get needy and very insecure, and she says i am possessive and obviously dont trust her, which annoys her and puts her off me. she said it's natural to want/need space in a relationship from time to time and that it doesnt mean she is leaving me, she just needs time to calm down if we've had an argument and she will come around.
when she does this i get even more needy, and get all these irrational thoughts about her cheating on me or planning to leave me and i feel really desperate to see her or call her, even though i know she just needs to be left alone for a while. its like i cant stand the fact that she wont see me and my anxiety takes over. sometimes she just needs her space its like she is close to me for a few weeks and then just backs off a little for a few days without any reason, which triggers all my insecurity and we end up arguing. she always comes around and i know that but when it happens i just cant control my feelings.
she gives me no real reason not to trust her. she doesnt go out drinking or anything, she pretty much just works and goes home, and i usually see her most nights although we dont spend a lot of overnights together. she never ignores the phone, i hear from her every day and i have had no real, logical reason to believe she would ever cheat on me.
she is respectful of my space and leaves me to work/socialise whenever i want, although mostly i just sit around waiting for her call which i hate myself for. she never gets jealous or needy. for some reason i interpret this as her not caring about me. i would almost like it if she were like that as it would show she cares. she says that she trusts me implicitly and why would she be insecure when everything's fine.
this is ruining everything. when i met her i was very together, confident and strong, which i think she liked about me. i was also in a relationship with someone else who loved me but i didnt really love anymore (they were quite needy which i hate to admit make me more confident) and i left my ex for her. but as soon as the honeymoon period ended and 'normality' set in i took it that she was going off me and all this insecurity started. no matter how much she reassures me it just doesnt help. i know i am pushing her away and that the neediness is a big turn off for her. i can feel her backing off which then feeds my insecurity as i know its happening and i just get worse, and im impulsive calling and texting which just pushes her away even more. the only thing we argue about is this. she says that everything is fine for a while and then i get all 'crazy' and it comes across as really immature and childish behaviour which i admit it does, then i apologise but keep doing it.
i dont know how to break the cycle. i cant really talk to her about it as she is sick of me talking about 'the relationship' and doesnt understand why we cant just relax and be happy together. im not sure where this comes from. i had an alcoholic mother and have had a couple of abusive relationships (with men) in the past. i can't blame my gf as i have this behaviour in all my relationships (with men or women) and i end up driving everyone away in time.
i just want this relationship to work. i love her so much. too much, maybe. i have been in love before but she is the first woman i have ever been in love with. i have lost a lot of weight from being anxious, i dont sleep well, waking up early imagining all kinds of scenarios of her cheating or whatever. i am not eating properly which is not helping. when we have problems, its like i dont care about the rest of my life including work, my health, family and money and just obsess about it.
wow. reading over this i sound totally crazy. thank you so much for reading.
Consider seeing a shamanic practitioner and having a soul retrieval.
There almost certainly is a spiritual component to your situation that shamanism could help with but if that doesn't feel right then see an NLP practitioner/hypnotherapist who could help you change the thought patterns that are causing the problem.
I DO know your problem can be resolved - you just have to find the way that feels right to you.
Good luck.
All things can be solved by talking each other in the diffrent situation..
In every relationship there is a honeymoon period
Then you both have to find the common ground
A space where you can both retreat to at times
You have to learn to live together and be together
Giving you both the space you need to be yourselves
One person in the relationship should not over power the other
Finding this balance is a difficult thing to find for both of you
There will times when you invade each others space
Even times when to resent the intrusion in to your space
You cannot just move in together and live as you did singularly
You have to respect each other for what you are and were
It is not your job to change you partner as they should not change you
It is a time of give and take until the balance is found and the fights diminish
Just give it time and try not to push, they like you for the person you are
Remain that person and blend together as one, without overpowering actions
she is respectful of my space and leaves me to work/socialise whenever i want, although mostly i just sit around waiting for her call which i hate myself for. she never gets jealous or needy.
You absolutely must return the favour.
else you are slowly pushing yourself off a cliff.
Neediness is one of the most repulsive qualities one can have.
you must learn to give her space, else it's only a matter of time before you are dumped.
Take some paper, remember and describe:
What were you like when you just met ?
How did you behave ?
Close your eyes and take yourself back in time to those times, visualize yourself behaving just as you did then.
How did she react? Did she appreciate you being as you were ?
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If you weren't needy to start with and your neediness gradually kicked in over time, you probably feel like you have lots of emotional investment in the relationship, and are afraid to lose it.
Never be afraid to lose something. Everything is temporary.
There's immense power in having nothing to lose.
Listen to this.
[url]Godlike Nihilism - The power of having Nothing to Lose[/url]
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What you should do, is be the best version of yourself, and simply trust that that's good enough.
Whenever she leaves, think of it this way:
When she meets someone else, you get compared to them.
1. If she likes the new person more than you, maybe you weren't meant to be together.
2. If, however, despite how funny, good looking, charming etc. that new person is, and she still likes you more, just think of how much will that strengthen your relationship. She will value you even more, because even such a worthy individual couldn't make her stray.
Choose:
a) restrict her from seeing others, and she will wonder if the grass is greener in other pastures.
b) raise your own value, let her go, she will make up her mind and see you to be the better person that you are.
Other people meeting her are no threat to you. If you're better, it will show.
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The past is gone, and the future hasn't happened yet.
Only thing that exists is now.
Live in the now. Feel every second when you're together. Every time you feel her touch, her breath on your skin. Immerse yourself in it. Enjoy it.
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Eventually your relationship will necessarily end. 5 years, 10 years, 30 years.. ?
Eventually we all die.
You have nothing to lose.
Stop trying to make it work.
Start trying to make it epic.
Neediness is one of the most repulsive qualities one can have.
"Repulsive"? Isn't that rather strong? Neediness is a symptom of a damaged soul. It indicates someone is in need of help. How is that repulsive?
"Repulsive"? Isn't that rather strong? Neediness is a symptom of a damaged soul. It indicates someone is in need of help. How is that repulsive?
Oh, I didn't mean to sound condescending or judgemental ; as in 'disgusting' etc.
What I meant was 'repulsive' as the complete opposite of 'attractive'
I personally don't find it repulsive, as I have felt neediness myself and know very well what it's like.
What I'm saying is, being needy pushes other people away from you.
There's a speech by Sean Stephenson on Youtube called
"How to Create Deep Attraction"
(it's awesome, check it out)
In Part 3 he mentions Neediness as the biggest killer of attraction.