Massage therapist's behaviour

Why would you not inform the police?

Why would you not inform the police?

I still might. I suppose I keep minimising what happened. Actually when I told a male friend afterwards he said 'maybe it was an accident' I was furious and haven't spoken to him since. I suppose I'm scared of not being believed as he did subtle things so it is easier for police and others to dismiss. And it is my workplace and I know I will look like the troublemaker.

I am glad that you reported this unprofessional and sleazy masseur. I really hope he gets his comeuppance! Appalling behaviour!

When you say that you think there is something in you that attracts abusive behaviour (and later claim to be unassertive)...it's just that, i.e. being passive = a green light for someone with dubious morals to take advantage of you.

Why do you let 'people walk all over' you? Are you overly polite? A people pleaser with no sense of your own boundaries? You could really change this ongoing situation by becoming self assertive. There are many ways to do this, e.g. classes, reading tips in books, watching you tube videos etc. It is not all about other people but taking responsibility and getting access to your steering wheel!

I used to be very timid and had no boundaries, i.e. let people walk all over me and never put myself first. I thought I was being kind but I was being an idiot - a doormat! I gradually gained confidence in myself and now (many decades later) I am VERY assertive! Quite feisty in fact! Ha! Although it took decades, this was because it wasn't my focus i.e. something I worked on changing but a bonus of becoming more empowered and developing my creative talents.

Hi Amy thanks you've given me helpful responses before. I have some books and am awaiting counselling through nhs secondary care. Depression is on and off v bad at times where I feel 'frozen' making it difficult.

I am speaking to hr at work about him later today.

Hi Amy thanks you've given me helpful responses before. I have some books and am awaiting counselling through nhs secondary care. Depression is on and off v bad at times where I feel 'frozen' making it difficult.

I am speaking to hr at work about him later today.

Good to read that you are awaiting counselling and hope it won't be too long now. I know how debilitating depression can be, since I had clinical/severe depression. You did not mention this in your OP, i.e. I didn't realise why you were not more proactive. It becomes clear, from what you share here now, that you felt unable to deal directly with this abuse whilst it was happening.

Do let us know what transpires re. this despicable man!

Good to read that you are awaiting counselling and hope it won't be too long now. I know how debilitating depression can be, since I had clinical/severe depression. You did not mention this in your OP, i.e. I didn't realise why you were not more proactive. It becomes clear, from what you share here now, that you felt unable to deal directly with this abuse whilst it was happening.

Do let us know what transpires re. this despicable man!

Thanks Amy. Yes he probably picked up on it and thought he would get away with it with me. It was very awkward and I don't know how anyone else would deal with it in the moment. I guess a non depressed person would but in general I don't say what I feel. I don't have boundaries most of the time but not sure how to resolve this. Had he taken his actions further I would have left the room but still not known what to say. I guess I shrivel up instead of confronting people and find it hard to protect myself. I know that I felt suffocated by my mother as a child and there was covert sexual abuse from my father as a teenager - meaning he had inappropriate thoughts and stared at me constantly in a way I couldn't understand at 16 yrs old. I never spoke out about it. I kept minimising it as it was 'only' staring. But it was horrible I just felt I couldn't breathe and be myself. I constantly feel unable to be myself and feel stifled and unreal. Like I'm looking for positive recognition and not being objectified and abused but I lose patience cos people everywhere let me down. Devalue me.

If you are 'passive' and someone picks up on it, they are taking advantage of a vulnerable person. This is not your fault. It is theirs. You are in no way responsible for the disgusting and inappropriate behaviour of others. Particularly your father.
I repeat - not your fault.

You can, however take responsibility for moving forward. We take responsibility, not because we are to blame for something but because we are in a position to change something. Get help for your depression and say - "never again!"
Others cannot devalue you if you value yourself. Abusers take advantage of the fact that we are taught others have power over us. Once you see through this scam you can take control of your own life.

I'm not pretending this is easy or fast. But, right now, you could make a start by deciding not to let the abusers of the world, whether they are a masseur or a parent, get away with such behaviour.

TracyAnn - please call the police. I have been invited to be an 'expert witness' on 3 occasions, none of which went to court, as the perpetrators were charged with 'actual bodily harm' in two cases, and 'indecent assault' for the third. You were sexually assaulted. He needs to be stopped.
The 3 men that I was contacted about (over a 10 year period) were not members of any umbrella bodies, but even then, any professional body would not support them.

TracyAnn- please take the advice both Crowan and Jabba have given you. Call the police. Good luck

Thanks Amy. Yes he probably picked up on it and thought he would get away with it with me. It was very awkward and I don't know how anyone else would deal with it in the moment. I guess a non depressed person would but in general I don't say what I feel. I don't have boundaries most of the time but not sure how to resolve this. Had he taken his actions further I would have left the room but still not known what to say. I guess I shrivel up instead of confronting people and find it hard to protect myself. I know that I felt suffocated by my mother as a child and there was covert sexual abuse from my father as a teenager - meaning he had inappropriate thoughts and stared at me constantly in a way I couldn't understand at 16 yrs old. I never spoke out about it. I kept minimising it as it was 'only' staring. But it was horrible I just felt I couldn't breathe and be myself. I constantly feel unable to be myself and feel stifled and unreal. Like I'm looking for positive recognition and not being objectified and abused but I lose patience cos people everywhere let me down. Devalue me.

Thanks TracyAnn for opening up here and sharing more about yourself.

At least you did well to report him so that's something! If you were truly/overly passive, I doubt that you would even do that!

There is a misconception about being assertive, i.e. some people align it to being rude/bossy or bullying. This is not the case (but is at the extreme end of the spectrum). Getting your needs met can be done in a discreet, civilised way. It's about learning techniques and ensuring the other person knows how you are feeling. However, you said that sometimes your depression makes you frozen so this situation needs addressing first I feel.

You seem to undermine your self worth (which is VERY common) and this can be addressed/challenged. For instance, we all have virtues but may underplay them. It would be beneficial to remind yourself of compliments you have received and what you know to be your strengths...take time to acknowledge them fully and celebrate them! This helps to combat the negative self image.

In my teens, I also became aware that my dad looked at me differently. He didn't stare at me (as your father did) but he would make joking comments about my appearance occasionally that made me self conscious and dislike growing bumps (breasts) on my chest. At least he didn't physically abuse you so it could be worse although it still sounds like a crippling ordeal that you went through.

It's a fact of life that people will let you down, i.e. regardless of who you are sometimes! I have learnt to lower my expectations which I find helpful.

I know that, with depression, everything can feel joyless but try and get some pleasure in each day...even if it's just having a laugh. Laughter helps to put things into perspective.

I wish you well.

Thanks everyone I will take all this good advice on board. I am waiting for HR to get his surname. I have spoken to a member of hr staff and put in writing his actions and termed it 'sexual assault'. Of course he will deny it but who knows what is in his history that may help corroborate my experience. Once I get his surname I will contact the police. I have another historical incident to report where I was taken advantage of sexually but too vulnerable to report it. It could go to court and I've been avoiding the issue. But he was a total sleazebag so has it coming.

Thanks everyone I will take all this good advice on board. I am waiting for HR to get his surname. I have spoken to a member of hr staff and put in writing his actions and termed it 'sexual assault'. Of course he will deny it but who knows what is in his history that may help corroborate my experience. Once I get his surname I will contact the police. I have another historical incident to report where I was taken advantage of sexually but too vulnerable to report it. It could go to court and I've been avoiding the issue. But he was a total sleazebag so has it coming.

Still not moved on as a few other negative incidents (unrelated to this) have happened. I am waiting for counselling through secondary care and I do really need it. Things keep going wrong and I don't know what I'm doing to make them happen. I seem to be the victim all the time even when I try to go into a situation feeling strong. People must just sense they can trick me or walk all over me.

Also yesterday I phoned my parents - mainly to speak to my dad as my mum has been so negative throughout my life and I would say abusive. My dad has never been anything like that. He is the only person I feel truly cares and protects me in the world. In his own way because his own self-awareness isn't enough to enable him to protect me and he wasn't able to bring me up in the way a child needs. I know he did his best and he came from a very abusive home and was neglected. With my mum on the other hand maybe she was ignored but I don't really know much more - she seems to have had an ok childhood but has turned out bitter and nasty even to her own daughter. I have a heavy cold at the moment and when I phoned and spoke to my dad he was telling me my mum that I have a cold (you know how vulnerable it can make you feel especially when dealing with it in complete isolation). My mum then said something that I didn't hear and my dad said 'well you never have sympathy for anyone'. I don't know whether my dad intended me to hear any of that, probably not. But it always brings out this searing pain in me when she does things like that, and even shock as though I am in denial about it even though I am 49. I still get upset by her and get manipulated by her and almost blackmailed. I think her attitude was always that she had given birth and the rest was up to everyone else, including the children. The matriarch who just wants everything her way and if it doesn't go her way (ie grandchildren and children continuing to need her and stick around) then she lashes out at them. I have one brother and he doesn't see it at all. It's all very upsetting.

I'm stronger with the emotions around it all than I used to be but am still depressed and isolated and seem to attract negativity from people even though I'm not doing anything wrong as far as I can see. Maybe I just come across badly but you would think people would give you the benefit of the doubt and not just keep kicking and lashing out because there is something about you they don't like or they perceive as weak.

I am sorry to read that you sound somewhat deluged by negativity currently. I can't help feeling that you just focus on what isn't working though. For instance, you phoned your dad who you say truly cares and protects you but mention nothing positive about having contacted him. Was he not a source of comfort to you? Are you familiar with the law of attraction, notably, that what we focus on, grows? Do you try and offset all this negativity by savouring what may be good about the day or trying to redress it in some way, e.g. playing your favourite music etc?

So your brother doesn't share your perception of your mother? Is he older than you? Was your mother's relationship to him different from how she treated you? The fleeting thought came to me that she may not have wanted a child when you were born...I wonder.... Parents are rarely what we want them to be. I never felt close to my mother (since she was a capitalist and materialistic i.e. at stark odds with my spiritual values!) However, I made my peace with her in the later years when she needed me to care for her. Maybe something like that might occur with yourself. Healing is always possible with the right situation.

I also wonder about how you interact with others. You are quick to describe how you are treated but do not say anything of your behaviour towards them. I realise that when you are feeling rough then presenting your best face is unlikely but we all need to take responsibility for our part in our interactions with others.

Thanks Amy. There must be something I'm doing wrong and the problem seems to be getting worse. Even when I try to have a good time I attract something negative/aggressive. I probably need anti-depressants as they help me to feel calmer and even though I try, I'm not naturally calm. People think that I am but underneath there is a lot going on! Resentment I think. I wonder whether I have a personality disorder - really feels like I rub people up the wrong way. Not everyone but enough to feel like I stand out in a negative way or seem easy to push around.

Thanks Amy. There must be something I'm doing wrong and the problem seems to be getting worse. Even when I try to have a good time I attract something negative/aggressive. I probably need anti-depressants as they help me to feel calmer and even though I try, I'm not naturally calm. People think that I am but underneath there is a lot going on! Resentment I think. I wonder whether I have a personality disorder - really feels like I rub people up the wrong way. Not everyone but enough to feel like I stand out in a negative way or seem easy to push around.

PS I've also suffered long-term ostracism/bullying at work which I've mentioned elsewhere. I think it has changed me and made me feel defeated.I'm still looking for another job but it becomes a vicious circle.

My mother has never shown affection to either of us. She used to watch TV all day and never engage with us. She didn't really feed us well even. Everything seemed too much trouble. My brother has his problems and often I felt like the one who she favoured if anything. But I think she put a lot of pressure on me, as the girl, and drove me away. I was supposed to be her best friend, confidante etc and take care of her and I lost my own childhood doing that.

I think you are right when you pinpoint that resentment is an issue here. There are many layers to how you currently are and online forums are an inadequate means for truly helping to make a difference in such a complex, longstanding situation.

I hope you get the secondary care counselling soon....maybe asking when the likelihood of this will be would do no harm, i.e. remind them of your needs or perhaps you already know when it is likely to be?

All I can suggest is, as mentioned previously, that you try and offset your negative experiences by some positive ones e.g. listening to music, pampering yourself etc. You badly need to input some good stuff!

I think you are right when you pinpoint that resentment is an issue here. There are many layers to how you currently are and online forums are an inadequate means for truly helping to make a difference in such a complex, longstanding situation.

I hope you get the secondary care counselling soon....maybe asking when the likelihood of this will be would do no harm, i.e. remind them of your needs or perhaps you already know when it is likely to be?

All I can suggest is, as mentioned previously, that you try and offset your negative experiences by some positive ones e.g. listening to music, pampering yourself etc. You badly need to input some good stuff!

I will give them a call as I seem to be on a waiting list. There has already been one administrative error with this and they sent me to the wrong place. Trying to find good quality help is difficult and when you are vulnerable it seems hard to get out of a hole.