jealousy - i am a nightmare!!

To be a little blunt (sorry):) but you must grow up.

When my kids used to say 'treat me like an adult' my reply was 'of course, when you act like one!'

Why not do the opposite to what you do now. Get one of the sexy films YOU can watch and then watch it together. You might get a plesant surprise.

Did you just have one session of EFT? You may need more - even if it is just to help you relax and learn to accept yourself, and give you the ability to forgive others for doing, to be quite honest, perfectly normal human things.

One of my friends at school (a very long time ago!) developed a huge jealousy 'thing' when we got into the final year - if she was going out with a boy, and he should meet us at the school door, she would cry/sob/scream if he spoke to one of her friends. She didn't keep boyfriends very long. She also hated anything to do with nudity - sports day was a nightmare, as she wouldn't change with us. As an 'all girl' school, we didn't get the opportunity to mingle with the opposite sex, but someone always managed to bring in some inoffensive 'porn' that a brother had hidden but she had found - the books went round the 6th form like a dose of salts. It never upset me or anyone else, but this girl thought it was disgusting and used to report us to the deputy head!!! Her father was incredibly 'victorian' and her mother left home when the girls (3 sisters) were in their teens. She'd had enough.

I lost touch with her after we left school, but heard at a school reunion 20 years later that she had been married 4 times, and at that time was on husband number 5. I wouldn't have the strength!!!

hello...

as much as i would love to just "grow up" this isn't something i have control over.. i have tried to change it, and just can't seem to get anywhere...

with the greatest respect, that's almost like telling a person with depression to just "snap out of it"!!

this thing is causing me a lot of pain, probably more than it causes my partner. i don't know where it comes from but it isn't me being silly or childish, the feelings i feel are very real. perhaps my post was too lighthearted?

i wanted a little insight from the knowledgeable people here, perhaps some clues as to where this might stem from so i know where to go with this.

i had 4 sessions with the therapist, and then gave up because i wasn't getting anywhere and it was quite expensive.

thanks you x

hi white doves

not much fun to be in the grasp of such jealousy.

being told to 'grow up' is not a very sensitive response to such a painful situation,

One of my suggestions is holly flower remedy from the bach range..available at boots and holland and barratt

it helps to dissolve patterns of jealousy.

worth a try,

tigress

,

Hey Sweets,
See you will have to see the things in a different way. Now like as you said that you can watch the Sexy film alone oy with your male or female friends but not with your Partner. what if he will do the same that he will watch the films with his friends and not with you. By doing this you are actually making him uncomforatble. This is the basic nature of a male that he wants freedom do not show jealousy or doubt otherwise he will cretainly go away. Just show how much you love him and want him by giving small surprises i am sure he wont even think of going anywhere. Involve him in your life. Discuss the things with him.

The "grow up" response - I don't think that was very helpful :rolleyes:

I have struggled with jealousy throughout my life and funnily enough my mother was similar to yours (didn't let us watch anything with nudity or have any mags/papers in the house with any half naked women). Sometimes I think this behaviour is learned.

Two things have helped me accept myself and acknowledge my feelings but not let them take over. They are therapy and reiki - both have been a massive help.

Perhaps try EFT again - if this is a problem you've suffered with for a while it may well take more than one session to see some real results.

Good luck!

Dear Chloe (White.Doves)

I am sorry to hear about your jealousy issues and it was very insensitive to be told to grow up.

Might be barking up the wrong tree but just an idea: Have you ever thought that this feeling could be to do with a past life? Perhaps trying a past life regression might give you some answers of why you are like you currently are, as well as advice on how to deal and address it.

Hi White Doves

I understand your fears, jealousy can be so disruptive in relationships.

From your post, I see that you do not get jealous of his friends or when he is away with people in 'real life'... it is tv, films and the media that upset you most, yes? If so, then that suggests to me that you may be subconsciously comparing yourself to an ideal of beauty/sexiness that you feel you cannot achieve, so this might be why the media affects you more... women in the media are often portrayed as flawless, sexy and air-brushed to perfection and if deep down you feel like you can never live up to this ideal of beauty, then it will affect your confidence and self-esteem, hence the green-eyed monster coming out!

You need to step back and analyse this and your feelings... the media image of women is usually not a real image by a long shot. The women are not actually perfect... the images are photo-shopped and air-brushed, specially lighted and they have a ton of make-up on to make them appear flawless on camera. They are a fantasy... if you are comparing and measuring yourself by this standard, or feel that other people do, you can never win. Chances are your boyfriend is not comparing you to these images, as he knows they are fantasy and not real. So, deep down, do you compare yourself to these images of women? Do you think your boyfriend really does compare you to them too?

Everyone is entitled to their fantasies, you cannot stop him from looking at images of women in the media as they are everywhere! So you do need to get your jealousy in control. Therapies like EFT can certainly help, there are free guides on the internet that can help to teach you the techniques for yourself... I understand the expense though, so you may want to try a bit of self-analysis to work through your feelings....

Next time you find yourself feeling this way when watching tv or a film, try to take some deep breaths and mentally step back a bit from the situation, instead of letting your emotions take hold... remind yourself that these women are not real, they are an idealistic representation and a fantasy... your boyfriend does not wish to compare you to them and he knows they are not real... think about how you are feeling... think about why you are feeling this way... and yes, talk to him about it, but in a calm way! He sounds like a great guy, so maybe if you open up to him before the jealousy kicks in he can maybe help you through your insecurities. Let him know that you know your feelings are irrational sometimes... tell him how you feel, without blaming him for your feelings, as it is not his fault and he has done nothign wrong. You need to let him know that, and tell him it is something you want to sort out in your own head so you can both be happy.

Hope this helps! Welcome to HP by the way.

Curious Gerge - just wanted to say - brilliant post!!! 🙂

I would also recommend the essence of Holly; works wonders for patterns of jealousy.

You may need to take it for some months though.

There's a path for the energy of this emotion and
hate/frustration, on a certain finger joints with
points for acupuncture.

Hiya Chloe

I have no advice for you hun, but just wanted to say that you have just made a very big step in the right direction by being honest about this.. its one thing to admit stuff like this to ourselves, but an even bigger step to open up to others about it. I wonder if this kind of thing can be ingrained in us from those formative years.. under 5.. when we are developing and learning from our surroundings without really being aware of it.. those patterns just being ingrained to an extent that we have to learn to reprogram ourselves when they do surface or we become aware of them iykwim.

I also agree about giving the back flower remedies 'holly' a go.. they are very effective, they can take time to have that effect but doesnt all healing.

I hope you find your way with this, please let us know how you're getting on.

Be kind to yourself 🙂

Lots of Love
sue xx

Hello Chloe,

I am wondering if the jelousy is not of your boyfriend watching the sex scenes/nudity but if the jelousy is because you feel you don't look as good as the actors or you are not as adventurous as the actors but wish you was? I hope it goes without saying that I am not trying to hurt your feelings in any way, quite the contrary I am trying to help but as a counsellor I know that it is things about ourselves that are the hardest to look at, aspects of ourselves we don't like.
I am wondering if underneath all the layers you wish you could be more like the people on the screen but it's your Mother's voice in your ear that stops you? Maybe your inner child still needs and wants her approval and you that behaving in the same way as the people on the screen is not the way to get it. Just some thoughts.

Love

Rebecca x

Curious_George Brilliant post ! x

Hi just like to add that most men look at the female form. Its in their nature. It doesn't mean anything, and its not meant to be degrading.
If anything its admiring, but it is not to be taken as a threat or even personally. Its a bit like being in an art gallery, we admire the paintings, but have no desire to posses them, and when we leave they are usually forgotten. Some women over estimate men in that they read more into a situation than is actually there. If your partner has chosen you, then you are the actual painting that he does want to posses. Don't forget that when you are out together other men probably look at you. Your partner has to accept this. Personally I think its harder for the man to deal with this type of insecurity. Hope it works out for you.

I learnt about active dreaming today, this might be useful to you. Here's a link to a website that has a good description of instructions for you:

Hello and sorry to hear that you are experiencing such a difficult time.

If you would be interested in trying the wonderful Bach Flower Remedies, I would also suggest you try Holly. I would also say that you should give a little thought to what might be underpinning these feelings.

Possibly lack of confidence (Larch) and the fear of losing your boyfriend to another on any level (Mimulus). So more than one remedy is very likely needed.

It also sounds as though you have been hurt emotionally in the past, so Star of Bethlehem should help soothe the pain.

Take care,

Barbara x

white doves

i see you have had lots of responses on this one, i would just like to add that i used to be worse than you. one of my first serious boyfriends i was an absolute nightmare. we got engaged but i lost him through my behaviour. i was not only jealous of women on tv etc but real ones too. in fact and i AM SO ASHAMED TO SAY THIS (but it was over 20 years ago) that we had a huge row once over kim wilde!!!! i cringe now when i think of it. it has slowly got better with each relationship. my last one made it quite clear he had a thing for short, petite blondes (had to be long, straight and very blonde) i am 5'8 with dark mid length curly hair! couldnt be more different and yes i did feel bad about it but then i love tall (6'+) men and he was only 5'9" so he didnt fit my ideal either.

i think basically as has been mentioned, it is down to insecurity and how u feel about yourself and what has gone on in your early life. hopefully this is something that you will get to grips with but it does take real effort and its hard sometimes. just tell yourself that he loves YOU and wants to be with you. we cant all be fabulously attractive, although most of us would like to be so and the people that are are not always the nicest of people are they?!?

I don't have any professional advice for you honey, but your trying your best to change your behavior and by talking your making a big step. Have you been hurt by another partner in the past or put down? keep talking to your boyfriend about how you feel and ask him to help you through this. Talking is one of the best therapy's I've ever come across and it doesn't cost a penny!

And please remember, beauty is ONLY SKIN DEEP, some of the most beautiful people on the outside can be ugly and nasty from within. Your b/f is with you because he wants to be sweety and he See's you as beautiful..! As for the the "grow up" comment, thats not a very positive thing to say, you obviously are grown up, or you wouldn't be on here asking for help. You,ll get there! x

I just read this article on overcoming jealousy, thought I would share:

White.doves, it sounds like you're in a permanent relationship and everything is going great for you. If I may ask, if everything seems this great, why does your boyfriend still hang out with other females? This usually isn't a good sign however I can see where your jealousy would be justified. If you plan on marrying the guy, you would have to get him to sever his female friendships, since he is supposed to spend that sort of time with you and not others.

As for the media influence, the best thing to do is to cancel the cable, etc but if not practical, you can set limits for your boyfriend. Or, tell him each time he wants to see that sort of thing, that you have something much better to offer him.

Hope that helps!

... If I may ask, if everything seems this great, why does your boyfriend still hang out with other females? This usually isn't a good sign however I can see where your jealousy would be justified. If you plan on marrying the guy, you would have to get him to sever his female friendships, since he is supposed to spend that sort of time with you and not others....

Erm... bit extreme I think! He has the right to be friends with whoever he chooses. You cannot dictate to a partner who they are and are not allowed to see! That only breeds resentment, we have to trust the people we love. White Doves said she does not have a problem with women her boyfriend knows in life so much, she knows he will not betray her, it is jealousy of women in the media that is the main issue here I think.

Hello Curious_George,
Although I understand that Startingtoheal's reply was probably meant to help it wound me up and I found it quite difficult to digest, thank you for being brave and posting what I was too chicken to.

Love

Rebecca x

Aw, thanks Becki!

Startingtoheal, can I just add, please don't take what I wrote too personally as we're all entitled to our opinions! I have really enjoyed reading your posts on some other threads here and often I agree with what you have to say, I know your opinion is just as valid as anyone else's. 🙂

It is hard to cope with, and if it affects you , you know about it, at least you can identify it and realise that you want to do something about it, we can try and GROW UP as much as we like but if we carry that trait its just unfortunate. Its the same as being a worrier or a pessimist, you are what you are, you can only try to control it.

but as its only on tv etc, look at it as its never going to interupt your life as much as say a girl at work you feel jealous of or a female friend, so although its not as easy done than said, i would try some of the remedies that folk have said of in above posts, i was going to recommend the Bach flower remedies.

Ive tried them and think they are good..

hi cloe

From what i have read bellow none of the posts will help with the jelousy issue becaose it is happenung at an un consious level so no matter what you do logicaly the unconsious mind will keep doing the problem.

you said that you have had this problem in the past with other boyfreinds so im guessing that it has got gradualy worse wich is called generalisation by therapists.

i bit of advice i would give you would be to read the link bellow its not the same problem but is similar.
my advice would be to go to a hypnotherapist who specialises in psychosexual problems.

Aw, thanks Becki!

Startingtoheal, can I just add, please don't take what I wrote too personally as we're all entitled to our opinions! I have really enjoyed reading your posts on some other threads here and often I agree with what you have to say, I know your opinion is just as valid as anyone else's. 🙂

No problem, and my apologies if my post was misconstrued in any way.

The point I was trying to get across to the OP is, if she seeks a monogamous relationship with this guy in the future as a potential permanent partner, the guy may have a hard time being monogamous with her, if he still has female friends on the side.

It's just the way we do things where I live. 🙂

It's just the way we do things where I live. 🙂

No problem, I understand! I think the beauty of this internet forum is getting so many different opinions and viewpoints. 🙂 As different solutions work for different people.

Hi white doves
When i was younger i was very much like yourself, the fact that i was what the media portrays as good looking, size 8 long hair etc i was very insecure even to the point that if a woman was plain i would feel threatened by their personality i perceived them as more confident witty etc and maybe they were! I had to learn to say so what!!! and look at what i had to offer, i eventually learnt to laugh at my self and realise that i was making myself ill. It can become a real obsession and very painful but, as with all obsessions you take what might be a slight worry like is she better looking more sexy etc and blow it all out of proportion,when we worry, our imagination runs riot and all the more painful if it involves some one we love, i cant even say that what your going through is jealousy really, looking back i did have a poor sense of self worth, but even the most confident people can be prone to worry. My advice would be to get a better sense of perspective of what is really going on.........do all you can to feel better about yourself........and see it as one of the down falls of being a sensitive imaginative person.........
good luck

ambergem xxx

hello and thank you so much for your replies... sorry it has taken me so long to get back on here.

yes, i do feel a lack of confidence in myself in comparison to those women... i am not unattractive, i am a size 8 myself and think quite pretty yet still have some body issues i hate my boobs lol i lost a lost of weight when i was younger and it has taken its toll i went from a perky C cup to a really not perky A cup. i have been seriously considering breast implants for a few years but wanted to sort out my self esteem issues first as i know that surgery will not fix this, although it is something i might do in the future.

it has always been my dream to be a model but was unsuccessful, not tall enough for fashion, boobs not nice enough for anything arty or involving nudity or lingerie/swimwear and now that im 28 i feel like it will never happen for me, and i do feel bad about myself in that way which may be why i am so threatened by the women on tv who have everything i always wanted, as silly as it may sound.

i am not jealous of my partner's friends as they are all in relationships, they are more his friends' girlfriends really and i do trust him with them. however after a comment someone made above i have thought about it more and i think that if he were to work with an attractive female colleague or have a single female friend i would be very jealous. i do get jealous if he talks to his exes (he isnt in regular contact, we just live in a small town so he sees them out occasionally, and he does tell me about it if it happens). he works in construction so is in an all male working environment, so this issue hasn't really come up, but yes i would have a hard time with it if it did.

maybe its because i just feel like men always want something "new", as i wasn't like this at first, it took about 4 months.. i'm worried he may be bored of me, i know he loves me but i worry that he is less attracted to me now that the novelty has worn off so to speak, and we have had a few arguments recently which we are working on but it worries me, when men aren't happy at home that's when their eyes/minds/other things wander!

none of his exes have ever been jealous, and he is not jealous at all so he has a difficult time understanding this, and really so do i.

i hate myself when i act like that, i just want to be normal and easy going and happy in my own skin. i am truly blessed to have him, and i'm so afraid i will ruin it and push him away with my behavior.

i had to laugh at the kim wilde argument above, i recently had one over kate beckinsale in underworld 2 lol and i felt like such an idiot afterwards.

i will try some of the suggestions above, at the moment i can't afford to go to a therapist so will have to try and work through this on my own for now...

i do feel resistance though when i do try and work on it, there is a part of me that argues back and says "yeah but if you fix this problem it means he can go look at who he wants" or something along those lines. i'm pretty embarrassed to admit that because my logical mind knows that it should be ok to just look at pretty things as long as you don't touch!!

it was interesting what one poster said about these things being learned when under 5 years old, my dad said my mum was exactly the same when they were together, so maybe i picked some things up without even remembering!

i am so ashamed to be like this. thank you so much for your support. i'm sorry for the long post, its good to get things out sometimes and i don't really have anyone to talk to about this.

blessings x x