Hi, after reading other threads in the mental & emotional forum, I thought it might be an idea to give you my experiences with childhood abuse. Hopefully it may help others to know that you are never alone in what you went through, besides talking about it has always been my way of dealing with ANY issues, I've ever had. We all have our own way of dealing with things, but this is mine and I feel it has healed a piece of me each time...that and helping others to heal themselves works too.
From the age 7 to 11 I was sexually abused by my maternal grandfather. I knew it was wrong, right from the first time he did it, yet I kept going back, purposely visiting when I knew my gran would be down the shops, I was looking for that special adult attention, it made me feel grown up. And for that reason I blamed myself for years. He died of lung cancer when I was 11, it all happened pretty quickly. I felt nothing for his passing at the time, which shocked me. I forgot about the whole thing for a few years until about 17 or 18 I guess when the teenage hormones were really kicking in. It started to bubble up to the surface again. I found that talking to my friends and girlfriends at the time, although initially broke me down made me feel a little lighter each time. so in my early 20's I went on a group therapy course. Funny really as the other guys on the course, kept talking to me during the sessions rather than the counsellors and again I found that each person I could help in some small way understand a little of what they went through and why they went through it, in turn helped me to understand my own issues.
Towards my late 20's I found out something which nearly broke me in two, my mother had suffered continual abuse by the same man when she was a girl and rather than feel for her I became angry and bitter, especially after also finding out that both of my parents 'suspected' something was going on between my grandfather and myself. I didnt know what to feel, my life went upside down, my partner at the time was pregnant with our son and I was already beginning to worry what would happen, would the chain continue, the media seems to go to great expense in showing that all abusers were once abusees, what they dont inform people is that its such a small minority. Anyway, I digress [&:] After the birth of my son and the eventual unfortunate breakup of my relationship with his mother, I became severly depressed and this is when I went through all the negative sides of my trauma...anger, bitterness, confusion, blame...everything, I became quite self destructive, hiding from everyone who meant anything to me. Luckily I came out the otherside thanks to some spiritually enlightened friends, who helped guide me to a new way of thinking about my ordeals (although at the time it felt like they were preaching lol) But I came round to it in my own time, picking the bits and pieces of their talks and books they gave to me that seemed significant to me.
Thanks to friends and a lot of unseen help from guides and spirits, I've definately come out the other side, a new and better person. I now sit and contemplate that if all the things that have happened to me (both good and bad) would I have reached this point in my life, ok maybe I would have had more confidence, but I've earnt it in my own right, now. I understand and sympathise with my parents reasons, this was in the 70's incest was'nt openly discussed like it is today, it was just swept under the carpet and forgotten about as it had been done for all of humans history until recently. I even feel love and pity for my grandfather. He wasnt an evil peodophile, just a man with a misguided sense of love and a terrible weakness, NOT a sickness as so many people tried to tell me, but a weakness. The thing thats made me feel stronger than anything and most proud of myself is knowing that I've broken the chain, from that first day when I held my son in my arms, I knew that there was no way I could ever do anything to hurt this or any other child/person ever.
Wo
RE: Hope this will help others
Just re-read that through and I've gone into ramble mode a couple of times, apologies if it does'nt make too much sense 😮
RE: Hope this will help others
Dear Barry
I have just read your brave and honest post and want you to know how much it moved me. I have - thank goodness - no personal experience with child abuse, but you have obviously travelled a difficult path and, as you say, you have come out the other side. I think you're a star! I don't know if your spiritual beliefs incorporate the theory that we 'sign up' for bad experiences before we take birth in order to evolve at a spiritual level. As far as I understand it, this theory says that the more we advance in a spiritual sense, the more difficult the experiences we volunteer for. Take a bow, my dear.
I was also immensely touched by your loving forgiveness of your grandfather. He also had his part to play, as I think you have come to understand.
Huge blessings and love to you
Sunanda xxx
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Hi Bazzyboy,
What a lovely post. Thank you for sharing that with us - I know it can't have been easy.
I had some bad childhood experiences with my mother who was finally diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic when I was 7 after my Dad's death 4 years earlier. I suffered a lot of emotional abuse at her hands and have gone through various stages from begging her to love me as a child, through to forgiveness, pity, anger, guilt and acceptance in adult life.
I think I have spent a lot of my adult life looking for the love I never had as a child. This has made me very clingy and looking for someone to "make it all better". I am only just learning that as an adult, I cannot expect that. I have to be my own person and take control of my life.
As for what you mention about abusees becoming abusers, I have been very aware of my own behaviour with my son. Whenever I have felt angry with him, there have been times when I have been really frightened that I would be abusive to him. I am happy to say I never have been - I have realised that I have a choice (as perhaps my mother didn't have with her condition) and I choose not to be abusive to my son.
Take care,
Jade
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Baz - thank you for your open, honest and sincere post. What you went through is not part of my experience, but you have enhanced my understanding of the complexities of these situations.
Much love to you,
Sharonx
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Sunanda..I understand and do indeed subscribe to the theory that we choose our life's experiences before we arrive on the physical plane. Although when I first heard about this I was horrified, that anyone would 'choose' something like that to happen, but I guess its not until you've experienced the bad in life, that you really appreciate the good.
Jade..I feel for you and and am extremely touched and impressed by anyone who has the strength of mind to change the programming we receive as a child. You sound as if you are a wonderful mother, considering your son before your own physical emotions. Its a tough egg to crack, but each time you manage it, it becomes easier and you become stronger. I've never understood why pride was considered a sin, you should be immensely proud of yourself for growing the way you have.
Thanks to both of you for your spiritual and emotional hugs, they are of course returned three fold xxxxxxxx
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Sharon you are most welcome, the love and comfort gained from replies such as yours is worth its weight in gold for lifting and healing the soul xxx [sm=1kis.gif]
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Hi BazzyBoy,
This post will help others, even if they don't post a reply.
So many suffer in silence with the stigma of abuse, well done for speaking out, you should be very proud of yourself.
Love, Luck and Happiness to you
SaffronXX
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Hi Bazzyboy,
Thanks so much for posting, and I'm sure what you have written will help many people. I want to say well done too, for getting where you are today- I know how testing these lessons can be and often people don't realise how far you've come. I personally think that all the work you've done on a mental, emotional and physical level qualifies you as a wonderful therapist, because you will have developed so many essential healing qualities when overcoming the trauma. So in regards to your other post- anyone who doesn't book a treatment with you doesn't know what they're missing!!!
Blessings, and good luck on the rest of your life's journey,
Az x
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Blessings to you for such a post that cme from you. It takes a lot of courage to talk of ones life tribulations, and you are rite when you say a pronlem shared a problem halfed. Yet it is no longer a problem or issue in your life is it. You are one that has learned from this unfortunate experience and are able to teach and guide others.
Bless you
Love
Ithar:)
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BazzyBoy
Thanks so much for your post. I'm sure there will still be those moments when your resolve is not so strong and you need to be loved and cherished. Sending you much love for those times.
G
PS I may post some personal experience in this regard, but am not sure it is what I should do right now (trying to stop and consider instead of charging straight in! :D)
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Bazzyboy
Thanks so much for sharing your story. I think this is inspirational because it can help others to see that there is light at the end of the tunnel whatever adversities they have faced or are facing.
I would brought up by a depressed mother whose behaviour was very erratic and have suffered anxiety since I was about 8. Physical abuse from both parents (I often felt they were ganging up on me) was dished out very easily and sometimes I didn't even know why I was being hit. It was a very scary time. I think it is wonderful that you are able to feel love and pity for your grandfather, you have truly been able to put the incident where it belongs.
Sandra
x