I guess this is a mother's guilt - the motivation behind this question.
My son is 18. For some years now he has objected to washing; cleaning his teeth etc. At one point he stated it was a deliberate protest against the pre-occupation people have with appearance. I looked on it as a phase. It is still pretty bad. I think he is in danger of becoming an alcoholic. He works - in a bar now since he got into trouble with his last job and resigned. He likes his work. He doesn't seem to have a life - he works; drinks; sleeps; rarely eats. He seems happier than he did in his last job (too much too young) but I am sooo worried about him. He is gay and I read recently that the rate of alcoholism and suicide is higher than in the general population - i also read(MIND) that many gay men willnot trust their GPs. I recently made an appointment for the doctors over a really bad cough(he also smokes) but he lied to me saying he had gone but hadn't.
How can i help him plus stop myself worrying so much?
Thanks
M
RE: What can i do to help?
Hi Moth
I can appreciate your worries aboutyour son. I have a 17 year old son (he has had anxiety based problems which have effected his life since he was about 6). He feels that the professionals haven't really helped him, he saysthey don't listen to what he is saying (child psychiatrist, counsellor, GP). When he was 13, I was told he wasn't suffering from depression and he would be ok, but received no real advice about how to cope with the problems he was experiencing. I felt they were ignoring the whole purpose of him being there and I told the GP who referred him this too, but she didn't offer anything else.
My son said he didn't want to see any more professionals because they weren't helping him and Ididn't know who to turn to. Basically it seemed to bea listening ear that he wanted and I decided that was what I would do to try and help him. It took me a long time to learn to just listen to what he was saying without butting in, getting emotional, upset, defensive, but it seemed that this really helps him. To be honest it is sometimes emotionally draining but is getting less so now that the times he needs to talk are less frequent, they seem to come in phases and can last a few days or a few weeks. At their worst hecan't sleep at night and becomes very negative about himself and every area of his life. He is currently doing A levels in 6th form but gets very stressed about the amount of work involved.
You mentioned that your son doesn't seem to have a life. I was wondering if he has friends who accept him as gay or has other gay friends to socialise with. If he doesn't, maybe he feels that avoiding social contact is the easier option for him at the moment. My brother is gay andfeeling accepted within his current social group changed him from someone who was withdrawn and secretive to someone who is confident, happy and open.
I don't know if this is of any help. Please feel free to PM me if you want to.
Sandra
x
RE: What can i do to help?
Dear Sebenny and moth18,
I am so interested in your posts as I suffered from lack of self esteem during my teenage years. Sandra has identified one of 'her' problems as a parent, in that she did not listen to her son and always butted in - when you do this, this takes away the validity of what the other person has to share and so they withdraw, believing that their opinions are not as valid as the dominant 'voice'. If you continue to do this it reinforces your inability to listen to the other person and so you crush the childs feeling of self worth.
One of the hardest things to do is to identify those moments when your children shut off from you. As parents, if you argue in front of children, or put one child against the other, i.e. 'your sister never behaves like that' or you push too hard for them to do well at school, sport etc, it is very easy to deflate your child and this usually results in teenage problems.
If you want to discuss this privately please pm me and I will be pleased to share what I know with you
My very best wishes
Publisher [sm=wave.gif]
RE: What can i do to help?
I had terrible problems with my son last year - he is 15 this month.
His obvious unhappyiness displayed in anger which resulted in me reacting badly, this would then result in him threatening to jump out of windows - third floor windows, which he actually did - thankfully we had scaffolding up at the time but as he was jumping from a roof he couldn't actually see where the scaffold was situated. Tore me to bits.
I took him to see a psychologist - he considered the sessions as being useless but went because it got him out of school - he greadullay got lower and lower and i asked for anti d's for him - they refused.
Then i talked to his psychologist - no i pleaded with his psychologist to help me and she did - basically she told me that i had to find time for my son - what she meant was one to one time, just him and me - not easy when i have three other children, one very young - i had felt that he didn't want me any more because he'd been so wrapped up in his friends but then i realised that he was no longer in contact with his friends and was cutting himself off apart from at school where he had no choice.
Finding soemthing to occupy time with a teenager is not easy - fortunately i found some common ground which for us was baking - he got to eat the cakes afterwards, i got to clean up. talking was the key, only i couldn't ask him questions about how he was feeling, i couldn't start the conversations, i had to let him do this. When he did start to talk i had to listen and not interupt - obviously i needed to know how he was feeling and the few times that i made the mistake of asking him what was wrong i alienated him - if i interfered i caused him to feel anger and he'd blow up on me.
Took me a long time to realise that alol he wanted was some close time with me with no pressure - i removed the pressure and he chilled. I'd take him out for a drive - he always seemed to relax morre in the car and would often start a conversation which was nice - always about football or something trivial, i'd listen then afterwards i'd tell him how much i'd enjoyed his company - no matter how stressful it was.
Then i realised that he still needed me as he had done when he was a little boy - we think that they are growing up and want to break away and that hugs and stuff is uncool - really they want this huge hug and for us to continue telling them that we love them - so we started with a daily huge hug, maybe 5 minutes of me giving him a hug - if i overdid it and went to hug him on my terms he'd reject me so i'd wait and then ask him if he wanted the hug.
This process took almost 6 months and it was slow and hard work - if i wanted to get him to do something - cleanliness wasn't really an issue but getting him to do anything was hard work - if i'd wanted him to start brushing his teeth for instance i'd have waited till the time seemed right then i'd have asked him did he want me to get his some new toothpaste - i had to ask his permission, strangely he was quite open to anything that i asked him about - if i'd have bought the toothpaste and handed it to him he'd have gone mad. If he'd have refused anyway i would have left it - the times when i did leave things he started to come to me afterwards and ask if i could still get him something.
Slowly he calmed down, slowly his mood lifted. slowly his anger disperesed, slowly his attitude to life improved, slowly his self esteem and confidence improved and slowly he started to do things for himself. He hadn't been doing any homework and now i realise that he is doing homework, he doesn't tell me - i am now at a stage where i can ask him if he has any, i can ask him anything - if i get the feeling that it's too much of a question i tell him no worries - he will come and discuss it with me when he feels ready.
I also had to look back at what used to make him happy when he was smaller - chocolate - i used to buy his sweets or chocolate a few times a week - went back to doing that and just leaving the