I've worried about my little brother for a long time.
He's a lovely caring lad, the one always up for going out, on the outside seems happy enough but weighed down by life.
He's never been very organised and for some reason, he has always told lies to either cover up something he's not proud of (like GCSE results) until he gets found out.
He has a hectic lifestyle professional percussionist/jazz drummer/teacher smokes, does some recreational drugs, owes his girlfriend (and probably other people) money, hardly sleeps, gets teary sometimes with his girlfriend, and generally loses work through inability to stay professional about being self employed. I'm sure the lifestyle factors contribute a lot to these problems but there must be some deeper underlying reasons why he has never been able to stand on his own two feet, and progress and develop in life. He's very 'hit and miss' and constantly In denial about anything that goes wrong in his life and is terrible at communicating
..he goes into 'hide-out' mode whenever he has to deal with something. For example, he's lost teaching work in the past for simply not bothering to phone in and excuse his attendance.
I don't really know what to do to help him anymore. My parents and his girlfriend and his close friends (who are all musicians and doing well professionally) are at a loss and their relationships are very worn out from all of this. They think he should just grow up. No matter how hard people try to help him, either with advice, with money, fixing himgigsetc, he never moves on, never gets a grip of the situation. He has so much support that people are now wondering if everything's gone in one ear and out the other. Certainly his actions and degeneration seem to suggest this. People are giving up on him.
I'm really worried for him. He admitted to his girlfriend that he was 'all over the place' at the moment. Seems like he's been in this dark place for about 5 years now, since he left music college (didn't finish the course and get his degree though).
Seems like his life is full of missed opportunities and unfinished business.
I don't know if he'd go to a counsellor or not. But can anyone perhaps suggest a route he might be able to take?
Would be really grateful if anyone could suggest something. He's in east London if you know of anyone that could help in whatever way.
Even though he puts on a 'everything's cool, i'm fine' exterior, could these be symptoms of clinical depression?
Alx x
RE: therapy for my brother?
Dear Alypix,
I'm so sorry that this will be short, but I am off to a meeting/event this evening and have to trudge around the M25 for a few hours [:@]. But from what you say, it sounds as though your brother has been trying to keep up, and live up to the expectations of his family, you, Mum and dad, for all his life. He went to University I would guess to please his Mum and Dad when really he wanted to do something else?
Don't give up on him, he needs help, to understand what has happened to him in the past to bring him to this point in time. If you wish I will write to him and help him through the process to understand that he is a 'unique' individual and that by having closure on the past hurts in his life, he can, and will bring into his life the happiness that he so desperately craves
My very best wishes
Publisher [sm=wave.gif]
RE: therapy for my brother?
Hello
Yes I'm sure you're right about him feeling like he has to live up to expectations. I've often thought that, but he has had so much love and support and my parents have only ever given him what he wanted or needed to get further in life. He and I have been treated the same. Of course, except when he has seemingly 'failed' in other people's eyes.
I went through Uni, got 2 degrees, a good job, a house, mortage - I hate to think that this is a sibling thing whereby he has always felt in my shadow but it could be. I've never tried to put him down though. I remember as a little girl trying to help him with maths!
The thing is, he never asks for help. People give it to him though. I think this could be the problem. But it's human nature isn't it - you see someone flailing around and reach out to them. Can we really all be at fault for this?
I don't know, it's a tricky one......is one the cause of the other, what is the underlying reason for all of this....?!!
thanks for your concern publisher xxx
RE: therapy for my brother?
Hi Alypix,
I got up especially early this morning just for you - mind you 4.46am is a bit daft :D:D.
Re your brother. This is a very BIG problem. It goes back to childhood and your brothers own perception ofhis place, his value,and how he was, and still is perceived by his parents and sibling(s).
Before your brother was born, he was guided in spirit and then chose his parents for 'the lessons in life' that he needed to learn as a 'soul'. In the 3rd/4th month of pregnancy his soul entered your Mums foetus; called the 'quickening' in your great grandmothers day. A sort of butterfly sensation- or rush - that many women 'feel' happening at this time. Very often, the choice of parents is hard to understand from a 'human being' perspective. Why would we choose someone that hurt us emotionally or physically? Because in Spirit we know that we are eternal and do not ever die. Once we start the 'earth journey' - memories of our life in spirit are 'cloaked' so that we no longer remember the past, yet it is all still there in our 'higher self'.
So your brother chose your Mum and Dad - difficult choice. Both - by the sound of it - successful musicians and a very clever sister too - who is the older child. Here's the crunch [:@].
Your brother came to earth with a unique gift, just like you, me, and everyone else. It might be as a musician (we are NOT here to do as our parents do) and it may not.
The sole role of parents in this life is to give their offspring the 'strength and courage' to live their OWN LIVES. All we need to do as parents is to love our children UNCONDITIONALLY. We should never say, 'If you work harder you will be as clever as your sister.' Such a simple sentence will remain in the chided child for life, and kill off their self esteem.
Ask your brother for a moment in his life that 'REALLY' destroyed his self esteem. It might have been verbal, it might have been someone other that Mum and dad: a teacher, friend, uncle, aunt, or he might have been abused other than mentally, but there was a moment. My moment was the day I got my 'O' levels results, when my mum said ' You'll never be as clever as your Dad'. I remember the exact moment,she was ironing in the kitchen and I got 5 useless 'O' levels [&o].
One of the lessons in life is 'acceptance' - to love everyone for who they are, and no what 'you/we' thinkthey should or should not be. Not for how many Degrees they have, how smart their house is, their new Audi, or even their clever children, just to love them for being them. The one thing your brother does not feel.
When you have humility in your life, something that this generation has lost, you also view people differently. The doctor would for instance, be grateful for being given the opportunity to help someone and for them giving him the opportunity to make a living. The musician would thank the audience for taking the time to come and listen to his/her unique gift, and for the money that they so willingly give to enable them to make a living. Next time you look at your brother, thank him for giving you the opportunity to learn something about him and something about you. When you love him with 'different eyes', he will find that love too ;).
My very best wishes to you and your family
Publisher [sm=wave.gif]
RE: therapy for my brother?
Hi Alx
I think you have been given some really good insights by Publisher and I'm sure these will help.
It may be that your brother would benefit from some counselling to help him explore some of these issues and come to terms with them. You may want to suggest it to him.
However, be prepared that, if he is in denial about a lot of things, he may not take you up on it straight away or at all.
You may want to look at my website, [link= http://www.breathingspacetherapies.co.uk ]www.breathingspacetherapies.co.uk[/link] and let me know if I can help. However, if he wants to come to see me or to talk about his sitiation, he would need to call me himself.
The important thingfor you tobe aware ofis that, whilst you might be able to steer him towards healing, he is responsible for his own healing and he may not wish to follow the path you would suggest. Therefore Publisher's advice about loving and acceptinghim exactly as he is, is the most important.
I really hope this helps.
Annie
RE: therapy for my brother?
Hey Publisher and Annie
Thank you so much for your words - they really have helped me see this in a slightly different way. I'm going to have a good long think about how i handle this, as i don't want to make the situation worse.
I don't know if anything abusive happened in my brother's life and i doubt he'd tell me if it had, but the self-esteem and self-respect issues are something that I really am trying hard to understand.
I love my brother dearly, and I would love nothing more to see him standing on his own two feet even. I also realise that he may not really want my input. I'll see if there is some point i can sit him down and chat this week.
love and light
Ax
RE: therapy for my brother?
I hope you find a way to find the appropriate approach and person for him to assist him to have the life he wants 😉 Have you found if he is open to some form of help?
RE: therapy for my brother?
Hiya
He's not really open to any help really - he seems to prefer to blunder on in his own way.....thanks for your pm by the way but he's in London so a bit far away.
thanks Axx
RE: therapy for my brother?
Hi and thanks for your lovely reply 😉
Maybe he will become more open when the time is right for him 😉 I find that for some people, something can kick in and then they feel more ready 😉