Hello,
I would like some advice please to help me move forward in a very difficult situation. I will try and describe it as best I can and hope that you get the general idea.
My dad is what I would term a troubled soul, I think he is lost in life and doesn't know what to do with himself, he has a mundane job, lives alone and spends all his free time in the pub getting drunk. He has no purpose ( so he thinks ), doesn't take responsibility for anything and does not get invloved in family life at all. If he is in a good mood he is great company and very interesting, but if he is drunk / or in a bad mood he is awful.
Im married and several years ago me and my husband went into business with my dad ( my dad is fairly solvent ), the deal was pretty much we put in the effort he puts in the money. Anyway a few years down the line the business has almost emotionally crippled me and my husband, nobody (even my dad ) seems to have even the faintest idea of the effort we have put in, we finally broke at the beginning of this year when I was in hospital and told my dad we would like to fold the business as it had got very large debt's, my dad doesn't want to as it's kind of a hobby to him and he is now paying all the bills and paying my husband to keep the business on, we don't want this, we need a fresh start and the business is just a great burden to us but because of the finances we feel as if we are over a barrell. My dad can be very controlling and pursuasive and if I try to explain how we feel we normally end up arguing, because of this for the past 18months I have literally avoided speaking to my dad, I get very nervous ( near on panic attack) when I know I have to spend time with him and I hate myself for this.
I appreciate my dads personality more as I grow older, he has never been the conventional dad, my parents split after a very rocky marriage when I was 11.
I often read that when somebody has a drink problem you have to wait for them to seek help and this is some of the reasons I avoid him because if he has been drinking I find it extremely painful, and have done since childhood.
I don't know what I want, I wish we had not gone into business with him because it adds extra complications, I want to help him be happy but I don't know how to or what he wants to be like.
My husband sometimes thinks my dad can't win with me and Im too hard on him, but I think this is because the feelings are so ingrained.
The reason Im writing this is just lately Ive been getting lots of messages to remind me how proud I am of my dad, things he did with us as children, music he likes ect, ect.
I would love things to be different and feel that he is definately a lesson to be learned, but I don't know what to do. The situation seems endless, I have felt like this pretty much since my early teens and Im 30 now.
If you have any advice or intuative feelings please let me know
Thank you
RE: Help sorting please
Hello
Reading this through I could feel everything that was going on within and around you. The fact that you are ill through this is not a good sign at all. You have tried talking to your father honestly and he simply does not understand how this is affecting you.
Well on his side of the coin he will be latching onto the only security he has got,if he lets that go then he be lost too. A person who is drinking a lot or is an alcoholic is obviously in so much pain that they can no see other way out, other than turning to alcohol.
You really need to talk to him and say how you feel, and how your health is being bothers. I also am connecting with you having marriage problems through all this.
Debt is nver a good thing, so to nip this in the bid is the best option so it will give you and your husband a fresh outlook onlife. If you are keeping the buisness on beacuse you feel sorry for your dad then thats not a good excuse.
In time I hope your dad will come to understand why you pulled out, You are being given a choice please make the rite one.
Family are simply reflecting their oen issues on you to make them your own
Do what you feel is rite an what you know is rite, this is why yiu have come here because you know what needs to be done
Love and Blessings
Ithar:)
RE: Help sorting please
bom,
I would suggest that the first thing that you do is ask Spirit to sever the emotional connections that you have to your father. (Actually, it is best if you do this with everyone.) That doesn't mean that you no longer have any interaction with them but that the emotions from the past are no longer a part of your relationship.
Any time you feel that you are getting back into the unproductive or fearful attitude, ask again. It will be done, but you also can inadvertently re-establish those bonds out of habit.
Next remind yourself that your father is in a great deal of physical and spiritual pain and is totally isolated from feeling any kind of support. Keeping that in mind, also determine that you will not have any kind of conversation with him if he has been drinking, because the logic is impaired and his emotions are overactive. Nothing he says will reflect his true feelings and any damage he does to your feelings will not be remembered when he is sober again. Avoid any kind of conflict at this time, if you can.
When you can set the ground ruleswith full respect for yourselfthen you are dealing with him adult to adult, and you are an adult now.
Then believe in yourself. This is the hardest thing to do because you have seen yourself through his (alcoholic) eyes for most of your life. You are being reminded of positive aspects of your relationship because it is those things that will allow you to build a positive concept of how you can work together.
It is possible to change the relationship by leaving your dad behind, but in doing that you will only be harder on yourself because you will see it as failure. So the last step is to be sure that you only accept as truth those things which are loving. Share with your father the good moments that you remember. He needs to hear of your love for him. Thank your husband for keeping your sights clear and for showing you how worthy of love you are. These are things that help to keep you involved with life and keep you from those feelings of desperation that you feel all too often.
Life is worth living and there will come a moment when you understand that who you are is valuable. There is a strength in you that will come welling to the top if you acknowledge it. Sometimes we have to feel smothered in darkness before we can see the source of light. Open your eyes and look deep within yourself for the goodness that is there. Then smile!
To sum up:
Be true to the inner you,
Stand up for all that you believe in,
Do so kindly and in synchronicity with the reality of others, and
Take into your being only that which is loving.
RE: Help sorting please
I would suggest that you start with some positive affirmations. You need to construct them correctly with active verbs and no maybe or try. Keep them simple. I know my father can stop drinking. I love my life. Write up about 25-50, challenge yourself. Keep the top ten that you would like to achieve. The really important ones are usually not the first ones to come to mind. Repeat them three times, at least three times a day. Call it whatever you need to, affirmations, prayers. That does not matter but you have to put the belief out into the universe before you can create change for yourself. Solutions will begin to come to mind or just happen. You cannot change anyone but yourself but as you change yourself, others change around you. Just as the ocean is constantly changing the shoreline so too can we change our life. Some things will happen earlier and others may take a longer time but you will gain the skill to cope better with the ones that take longer to change. Once you get them written I am sure there are a lot of people who can help you make sure that they are active and positive so just ask if you get an idea but the exact words seem to evade you.
RE: Help sorting please
Hi there - could your father go it alone with the business or get another partner to come in?
What do you do with dad - for fun? go and watch the Bill? walk together? talk about football?
You need time for you - firstly to get better recharge the batteries, what does your hubby want? Can't he talk to your dad?
Sorry i seem to be adding more question but even a clear the air meeting if that would help? yet i think foremost have a break !
love oggs