Hello Again Hp'ers,
To all those who kindly replied to my thread about my friend and impending homelessness can I be very cheeky and ask for your thoughts and opinions once again? I am sorry to have to do this I feel by asking that I am taking advantage in some way of the kindness you have already extended to me by taking the time to reply last time, but I am very upset and so I figured I would put it out there because you all have a choice whether or not to reply.
I met my friend for coffee today, we met to see if we could salvage something of our friendship but we couldn't because she has accused me of refusing to acknowledge how I have hurt her. She said that I had hurt and shocked her enough initially when I told her I was hurt that she had not offered any help now she says she is even more hurt because I told her I am struggling to understand how I could have hurt her, but I obviously have it was written all over her face she looked so wounded and tearful and right now I am thinking I have lost the best friend I ever had because I either don't have the ability to understand how/why I have hurt her, or on some level I just refuse to see it.
She said the only way our friendship could go on is for me to accept that she won't help me and accept her reasons why, I replied that I would struggle but yes I would accept her warts and all but she said we can't go on while I refuse to acknowledge how hurt, shocked and attacked she feels by my calmy and politely raising the issue of her refusal to help me in my hour of need, putting it plainly I am assuming she is simply naffed off at me for even raising the issue she feels I was wrong to do so.
Like I just said I am sorry for starting a new thread on an issue that has already been raised for discussion but I don't want to have a lightbulb moment in 2 years time when I suddenly know how and why I have hurt her and then it will be too late, so if any of you can see it will you tell me please? I just can't get the image of her tearful little face out of my mind and I feel awful that I could hurt a friend and even more awful if I just can't or maybe won't understand why.
Love
Rebecca xx
Sorry to be so blunt, Rebecca, and I may be well out of order, but this is seeming like emotional blackmail to me, born of possible feelings of guilt, so the situation is being turned around so that ... in a manner of speaking ... she's the guy in the white hat and you're the wicked witch. Manipulation would be another way of putting it. :rolleyes:
Do I now need this? :hidesbehindsofa:
Laura.
Hi Becky
I see this as her trying to take advantage of your obvious sweet nature by trying to reflect it back onto you. IMVHO, this is a 'No No', and if you were to accept then I think this may well come up again some time in the future.
Big hugs for you sweetie
love
Moonfairy
xx
Hello Laura,
Please forgive my sounding so thick but I don't understand why you would want to hide behind the sofa for what you said, first you sound spot on to me her behaviour today did come accross as rather manipulative but I had to post anyway because she is just so upset and I wanted to check and double check that I am not the one out of order and second I asked for honest opinions. Your a sweetie. Thank you.
Love
Rebecca xx
Hello Moonfairy,
Yes this is the bit I am still confused about, she accused me of projecting my stuff on to her so I said I beg to differ and that my perception was that I was simply voicing something I am unhappy about inside the friendship but she said that, that is not what I was doing and I was defintley projecting.
Love
Rebecca x
Hi Becky,
The only thing that comes to me..are you aware of the Tarot Card the Tower?..it often turns up when your whole world is falling apart, and if you look at card you will see people falling out of the tower and falling to the ground in the rubble. You seem to be hitting a catastrophe in your life's journey Becky, and hitting the ground. Please don't let her manipulations land on top of you and pin you to the ground, you have enough to deal with....
Hi Rebecca,
I do feel a little irritated with your friend's behaviour towards you today. Am I allowed to say that??
I most certainly agree with Moonfairy & Holistic - and I do get the feeling there may be some guilt feelings on your friend's part but that also she is trying to turn things around to make the 'good girl' seem the 'bad girl'! Sort of changes the focus a bit, doesn't it!
I have been raised always to see and acknowledge the good in people and not to focus upon the more negative parts to them. However, life has taught me that is not always the way to go - if you know what I mean. So, if I'm wrong about your friend then I am genuinely sorry - but nevertheless thats my feeling on the situation.
Personally, I'm not sure I could continue a close friendship with someone like this. I'm not necessarily saying I would cut her out of my life - but I would be very wary.
I've said it before - I think you are a good person and you don't deserve all this strife. As if you don't have enough to deal with - and in your trying to resolve things between you and your friend, its ended up with all the blame being placed on you!
I know that if it didn't matter to you, you wouldn't be reacting but for once I think you need to look out for yourself. This thing with your friend could go round and round in circles for long enough.
Focus on your own needs for now - you (and Clara of course, bless her !).
Friendships can nourish us so much - yet they can bring so many difficulties too, sadly.
Hi Becky I would agree with others that I think your friend is being somewhat manipulative. The only thing I can think of is that she is maybe the type of person that thinks asking for financial help is cheeky. However from what I have picked up you only told her that you were disappointed that she never offered financial assistance and did not demand money from her. I also think she was being very unrealistic to think your relationship could continue as normal if you were living on the streets.
I still think this is about her issues and she is trying someway to negative her inconsideration of your plight.
Hope this helps
Linda x
Hello Fleur,
No I don't know anything about the tarot but the card you speak of seems spot on right about now things do feel like they are falling down around me, I have tons of horrid stuff going on right now that I've not mentioned in addition to all of this. I feel upset and very, very confused by what has happened today with my now ex friend but I am happy to report that I don't feel pinned to the ground.
Hi Holistca1,
You are allowed to say what you like hun thank you for replying I just feel stunned by the way the conversation turned out and I can only assume that my gut instinct is right and that I have not done anything to hurt her and I'm struggling to see what I have done because I've not done it! In a nutshell I suppose she is saying that people can't raise things she has done to naff them off in case it hurts her but she is failing to understand that firstly I did not know my raising the issue would hurt her and second tough what else was I supposed to do let it fester and fester until I reached the point where I want to clobber her?
Love to you and Fleur.
Rebecca x
Hello Laura,
Please forgive my sounding so thick but I don't understand why you would want to hide behind the sofa for what you said, first you sound spot on to me her behaviour today did come accross as rather manipulative but I had to post anyway because she is just so upset and I wanted to check and double check that I am not the one out of order and second I asked for honest opinions. Your a sweetie. Thank you.
Love
Rebecca xx
Well, thank you for your kind reply, but I was a bit blunt, wasn't I, stuck my neck out rather? Reassuring that other replies since have said much the same thing though ;). Interesting that the words 'blackmail' and 'manipulation' have come up so often.
I can thoroughly recommend this book, Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Emotional-Blackmail-Susan-Forward/dp/0553505971/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1258836549&sr=1-2
[scroll down for the synopsis]
not just to sit for a cosy read of, but to put into practice some of the suggestions for a different way of relating to manipulative people, such as 'non-defensive communication'.
Believe me, it really, really DOES work, though I felt a bit of a clot the first time I tried it. Surprisingly, the recipient didn't hang around for long, once his tactics were seen to be no longer working. 😉 😀
HTH
Laura. 🙂
Hello Linda, Thank you for replying, I am at a loss to know what she thinks, I do think the conversation we had today had a lot more mileage but it seemed when she wasn't hearing what she wanted to hear she began to put her coat on then walked out of the coffee bar, it all seems a little sureal at the moment as I've had a bit of a kooky, rather unconventional life and I've known some real characters and had many bizarre conversations but I've never encountered anything like this, she appeared to be so genuinely hard done by today so much so that it left me thinking I could actually be the one in the wrong here, yes she was expecting our friendship to continue come what may including my being homeless and that's the most bizarre thing of all.
Hello again Laura, Is that the same Susan Forward who wrote Toxic Parents? I loved that book, I am grateful for the suggestion and have read the link thank you. I don't think there is any going back I am floored by this, what hurts the most is that I loved her for her honesty and openess and there's so much she is not saying here and so much she is not being honest about, it occured to me just now that her feelings for me may not run deep enough for her to want to help me but knowing her like I do I would have expected her to say that but to come out with all this boundaries stuff then change her mind and say it's because she has not got the resources to help me that's not being honest.
Love to you and Linda
Rebecca x
Becky dear, if you were a close friend of mine (or thought you were) and found yourself in the situation your are in re housing, I wouldn't hesitate to offer you sancctuary until you got sorted out, unless there was a serious reason why I couldn't, and I'd then explain why I couldn't help to put you up. I would then try and help you through any means to find alternative accommodation. In no way would I consider my feelings hurt because you said what you did to your friend. I therefore conclude the problem is hers, and she is not all she makes herself out to be.
It's awful for you to be in this position - nearly homeless - but even worse that she has treated you this way, making things 10 times worse. I'd forget her - sadly! Some people are just not worth it. You need to look out for yourself and may I wish you every success in this venture.
I send you Light and Love - my thoughts are with you.
Hello Caroline,
Thank you for your lovely post it's actually made me cry it's so lovely, but cry in a nice way I've wanted to for hours and hours now but just felt too numb and in shock but your kind words have opened the dam so to speak and it feels right and healing.
My friend is history I have no doubts there, my doubts came from wondering if I really had hurt her, I knew in my heart I had not but her face told a different story today and I knew that if there was something going on here that I'm just not getting HP members would tell me.
God Bless you for your kind words
Love
Rebecca xx
Hi Becky - hope your tears are cleansing and healing, and tomorrow you find a way forward to sorting everything out. Tomorrow is a new day ... and anything is possible ... 🙂
Love and Light
Hi Becky just before I go to bed I thought I would post quickly to say you are in my thoughts and I will keep sending Reiki healing and positive thoughts. Hope tomorrow is a brighter and better day for you.
Linda x