I don't know if this is the right place to put this problem, but I am being treated for depression and it is affecting me.
Almost 10 years ago I was sleeping after a nightshift and when I was expecting my youngest son. The neighbour's son was playing very loud music and my husband went round to the house and politely asked his mum if the music could be turned down because his pregnant wife was sleeping after her nightshift. The music was duly turned down.
But, we paid a price. Our cars started being vandalised and spat on. The police were called and it used to settle down for a few months then start up again. This has gone on for almost 10 years now.
A few months ago, I had an argument with a neighbour because she damaged the fence we had erected. She, in turn, went around to all the immediate neighbours (and anybody who would listen really) and badmouthed us. Now, all our immediate neighbours are giving me dirty looks, my car was badly scratched and some of them started making nasty signs to me when I was walking up the road. I was shouted at for parking my car outside my house (not blocking anybody in or anything).
They seem such nasty people. I started parking my car two streets away outside my mother in law's flat, but, if I'm walking along the street I get vile looks of them and one of them purposely banged into me when I was leaving my front garden.
I really hate them all now and wish we had never moved to this house. We're decent people and don't make noise and my kids behave themselves. I don't know whether to leave my house by the front or the back and feel as though I'd be giving in if I left by the rear and they would sense weakness and it would empower them.
I don't like hiding, but seeing them day in, day out is affecting me mental health.
Does anybody have any suggestions? I don't live in a rough area and these people would be considered 'respectable' under normal circumstances. It's older women who are behaving like this btw.
It never goes well. Your only option is to move. I've seen these kinds of stories loads of times on forums over the years. Welcome to Grate Britain. 😡
The alternative is to ruin their property but that's lowering yourself to their gutter brain level.
Maudtheskivvy,
It must be hard, especially when you feel it is unwarranted and undeserved.
May be moving will be hassle....and you never know the future neighbours....they might be nasty too.
In the light of the time of the year....may I suggest, have them over, not out of fear, not to placate them or justify, or stop them from being nasty.
But just to get to know them. Not for striking a frendship but to break the spell of animosity, rancour and bad relating
The baddest of people are only people inside. They are just like you and me. Capable of all things human....the whole spectrum of human emotions run through them as it does in you and I.
Drop your own shroud of fear, then your protective armour, then the story that they are horrible, nasty people and what they did it and how they did it and how you have suffered...
Relating to them through the history of aggravation that they caused and you suffered is not going to solve anything. They are in a rut, you are in a rut. They In their own head have perfectly reasonable reasons to bad mouth you. They are as convinced of their own righteous ness as you are of yours.
Barriers of fear and misunderstanding are causing anguish on both sides.
Drop your barriers, meet them in open heart, invite them for tea or may be go crazy cook a simple meal and create a congenial energy to get to know each other beyond your own stories. Do that with open heart as a human being.
Staying open to who they are.
Trust me they want to be friends....just don't have much experience in that sort of thing! That can happen.
My son came back from school. " I hate that girl, she would not leave me alone, she is nasty to me" I said she fancies you as her friend, just does not know how to do that. My son's first response was "no she hates me!" Anyway he did listen...and now they are best of friends. People are just not simple enough to say what they mean. Go around the moon. Adults are no adults they are just big kids.
Extend your hand and keep it extended. Don't worry how long...it will be accepted. Peace will dawn on both parties. Even if only one of them wants peace. Takes two to tango. One has sat down, the other will sit down too...only a matter of time
If you lose your barriers theirs will come tumbling down too. You are suffering so take the initiative. Take the first step to peace. Then The second and the third.... and keep going in the direction of peace. If they don't change, you are already on the peace-road. It will affect you progressively less and at some point in time it stop to affect you at all.
You can utilise this as a great opportunity to break free of your own mind. Your stories, observations will all do a hundred and eighty.
As you take a step towards peace....peace takes a thousand steps towards you.
May you find peace within the sanctuary of your own being
Jnani's approach (post above) is sound and healing. However, it occurs to me that, since you have depression, you may feel unable to tackle this e.g. envisage that it can be the answer.
I myself am undergoing the 9th year of constant, harassment from a disturbed neighbour - unprovoked unless you count reporting her trashing, back garden trespassing and vandalism (which just further enrages her). She lives 2 houses away from me. 9 years ago, having put up with her constantly, screaming children for so long - wanting peace in my garden - I yelled for them to "shut up"...big mistake! (Think Jeremy Kyle and you get the picture of the underclass that I am subjected to). Others put up with her loud music and trashing - too afraid. It could well be that because I stand up to her she takes me on like this. The alternative is to be passively abused - not my style. So I understand how some people are like a dog with a bone/have an obsessive grudge and continue to punish you. You have my sympathy.
The ironic thing is that I don't have a victim's mentality, i.e. although I am in a very prolonged oppressive situation, I refuse to buy into it mentally. Yes it temporarily affects me to discover what new "delights" I find by way of damaged plants, unusual trashing or vandalism but I recover fairly quickly and refuse to let it affect my day too much. I have tried everything with her (she is mid 30's, single parent with 5 kids) i.e. talking (she just rants hysterically), reporting...even showing her forgiveness and kindness. (I am a spiritually focused person). For instance, when I told her that those that are the hardest to love are those that most need it...she effectively smirked at me and I could tell she viewed this as me being a doormat! :rolleyes: The latest direction I have involves creative manifestation/cosmic ordering...it's a spiritual exercise which shows signs of being effective.
Anyway, you may well find this site invaluable, if you do not already know about it
[url]Neighbours From Hell in Britain[/url]
🙁 If you live in a council owned house its easier to deal with,firstly you need to contact the police then keep a diary of occuring events.give this to the police and they along with the council can gather evidence against them.which will result in them being evicted from their homes,once its happened once the others will soon realise that they cant get away with it either,if yu live in a private house its the same sort of thing other than they will not be evicted.but can be given a police order on them.this is common now and it happens to often,you could also visit citizens advice where they can help you.they also have a solocitor working with them on certain days just ask.you dont have to live like this.
Namaste
Thank you so much for the replies 🙂
My worry about trying to be friends with them is that I would have to suck up to the next door neighbour who damaged the fence. She was really nasty when we challenged her about it and acted out a massive drama whilst going around to everyone's house to make sure she got her story in first - of course omitting vital details which would have put quite a different slant on things - I simply can't suck up to someone who would do this.
I will be viewed as weak, pathetic and frightened of them if I take this route. They will see it as weakness and I'm not doing that to myself. I was bullied all through secondary school and will not suck up to bullies. Trust me, these people have no desire to be friends. They regard me and my family as 'outsiders' even though we've lived here best part of 10 years, but we speak and look different and that's all they see.
I think that not buying into their mindset is my best plan of action. I have decided to use the back entrance to the house and take a different route to and from my house to try and avoid them altogether. If they can't pass my walking in the street, then they can't do anything. I already feel as though they've won by forcing me out of my own parking area and it makes me feel angry.
Hi Maud - I don't envy your position one bit, and sadly know only too well about nieghbour disputes through past personal history, during the 60's & 70's which involved legal injunctions and law suits. I was a child, but can remember the atmosphere and arguments. We lived in a semi, and the problem nieghbours were in the adjoining house.
Jnani always gives sounds advice, but in this instance I agree with you that you would be on a hiding to nothing trying to befriend these people.
Is the house you are in your own? Did you fit the new fence to the letter of the law? Did you notify them by letter that you intended to erect a new fence? Are the posts entirely on your land and the face of the fence points to your neighbours? Do they understand that you are entitled to access it from their side of the boundary to repair it if necessary?
Fences are bad news - walls are worse, and don't even get me started on hedges!!!!!
However, you should not have to live with the shadow of bullying, and could contact the local police 'family liaison officer' who might be able to advise. My daughter, who lives with her partner in a nearby town, has had problems with her neighbours, and the police liaison officer has been brilliant, as have the Citizens Advice Bureau.
My husband and I had a similar experience when we bought a house in a small village. To start with the neighbours were ok enough but they then had parties and when we complained they just got louder more obnoxious. We spoke with the council and we were doing a diary etc of all that was happening. We did this for a while but when my husband got threatened because we installed a 6ft fence we decided enough was enough and put the house on the market. Even my cats were housebound because something would happen to them each time they went out, one was shot and another suffered a dislocated hip which cost a fortune to put right.
We lost a third of the value in the house to get rid and be out of the area. We thankfully found a house to rent while we waited for it to sell so we literally abandoned the house for 11 months until we got a buyer. We regret buying the house it was a huge mistake but we are really happy where we are and gradually we are recovering from the mental torment we endured for the 18months we lived in the house
I sympathise with your situation and suggest that for your mental health and that of your family, sell up and move somewhere else. Its an awful situation to be in.
Reiki hugs
Meadowsweet
Agree with Amy and others that maybe friendship route may be a tad too radical for you in the given circumstances
So I looked around and found this collection of mudras, which may help you to become fearless and gain some sense of composure and clarity. Pick the one or two that you feel pulled to and do them everyday while watching telly etc. while feeling that those qualities are coming to surface in your experience
[DLMURL="http://www.yogacheryl.com/emotional-healing.html"]Emotional Healing: Mudra - YogaCheryl[/DLMURL]
Hope this situation will resolve. In some time to come you might even feel that despite all the rancour and aggro, it also had some gold nuggets to deliver to you.
May peace dawn.
Loving blessings
Thank you again for the replies.
The house is our own on a small private estate. The fence was replacing an older fence which was of poorer quality. It's within our boundary and within permitted height limits. It's not an eyesore or a nuisance or anything.
I haven't seen any of the neighbours for several days now thanks to me parking in our back garden area. I feel a lot less angry and agitated. I am hoping that continuing avoidance might help. I have no wish to see these people.
Thank you for the emotional healing link, I shall take a look at that 🙂
Thank you so much for listening to me. I have nobody to talk to about it. My husband just gets upset and then feels angry and helpless and there's nobody else to talk it over with. I have been avoiding all my neighbours, even the friendly ones who haven't taken sides. I feel like totally isolating myself from anybody and everybody as I find the hostility damaging and quite sinister tbh. There is no need for people to be like this, which is why I think they've just looked for an excuse to be unpleasant because we're seen as 'outsiders' and perhaps a bit odd. I don't appreciate being judged though and we've always been decent neighbours with no noise, mess, rubbish etc. Heck, we hardly even have barbecues.
Maud, I am sorry to hear about what happened to your property - what these neighbors are doing is illegal - they are breaking the law, no matter how you cut it.
Personally, trying to be friends with people like that is not the way to go. They have not earned your friendship nor any niceties from you. I am happy you took the avoidance route (which really is the way to go in this case) and hopefully they'll have totally given up soon.