Forum
Hi All
Well I have come to seek my fellow HP members for your advice’s to a situation I have.:)
I expect most of us have experienced the seeming fall into that deep abyss of love when we were teenagers (Heck even me too at that difficult teenage stage:rolleyes:).
I am at that stage where my daughter has been caught by this abyss. I understand and expect this is a part of growing but there is a problem here. Maybe now it’s time for me to experience this from a parental stage.
The problem is my daughter is now coming to the end of her 1st year college term, highly motivated through her own desire to learn and teach music. Until, she began a relationship with a boy at the start of the 1st year term in the same college and the same classes.
About the boy: Before I start the boy does have issues but I am compassionate to this and am in normal communication with him, he suffers a mood disorder which relates back to past abuse experiences, insecure and fraught with jealousy and frequently has a low opinion of himself on occasions expresses suicidal tendencies. He transfers these traits upon my daughter. (I have offered to talk and help him but he felt uncomfortable, this I fully understand and expected due to being his girlfriends father)
My daughter tries to be a rescuer in the relationship and tries to feel she needs to make him feel better when he has these episodes. This puts stress and pressure on her because she cannot understand why her helping doesn’t work. Yes I have discussed this with her and why her trying to fix him doesn’t work, all then seems fines until the next day back to normal when she is in his presence. I also feel because of his suicidal dendancies she may feel if she wanted to leave if anything happens she would feel to blame. I have spoken to her about this and his responsibilities, but seems to only have some effect.
My daughter: She has been in tears on average once a month; she frequently worries about when he becomes moody again and his expression of jealousy if she talks to another. It has begun to affect her college work which she wishes to move on to university.
I have seen my daughter recently move from a positive confident person to a person who now constantly keeps her mobile in hand awaiting any texts from him. She is walking on eggshells in case he says something to run her down.
But when she is with him she goes all what seems a ‘lovingly lost’ in his presence, dissociative from reality, more so attachment to him is full. Losing her sense of individualism.
My daughter seems to be living more in sadness recently and on edge with bouts of anger BUT Of course typically my daughter sees her parents as’ We are wrong’,' The tutors are wrong who expresses their concern over study distractions' ‘That we don’t know how they feel’ you all know the drill …..:(
I deal with relationships each day but trying to talk with my daughter, well now that’s a battle. But seriously I am aware of what is required through therapy BUT because of the emotional connection here and my role as the biological father boundaries cannot be created in this sense. I need to be the loving and supporting father in this case not a therapist.
We do talk often and are close. I don’t mind her moving in a relationship it’s how she is being treated that is my concern. Stopping the relationship may well have harsh repercussions.:eek:
Don’t get me wrong my daughter and I have a good family relationship but her blind love of her boyfriend irrespective of how he treats her is currently un interventionable!!
All I am after is to see my daughter happy and more so not see her to be living under these conditions her boyfriend suppresses her under. But at the moment I am seen to want to break them up. Its not that I want to break them up ( Well OK maybe I do, but this is because of seeing my daughter like this) or at the least I wish for the relationship to become more emotionally mature.
Anyway rant over. This story may well bring back others experiences with teenagers at this age, Standing back and being there to support her through these times would seem to be the way to handle this, when she hurts, I am here for her to come to for emotional support. I hope the many little hurts will lead to a big one to change the relationship, but like any parents don’t wish for their daughter to go through this, even though it may make her stronger. Oh the joys of teenagers.
Does anyone have any advice?.My initial wishes are for the relationship to end. Period. Or at least a long break until the boyfriend accepts he has mental issues affecting their relationship to be addressed which my daughter says he doesnt want to deal with.
Apologies if my post seems out of order or illogical, I am writing in my break time.
Thanks all in advance.
Blessings
Sacrel
Hi sacrel
This is tricky one isn't it!
Not a lot you can do other than letting the feelings of angst and fear the whole situation has created within you. If you just stay open to fear, apprehension and overwhelming desire to save your daughter....that will be helpful beyond belief, certainly more than trying to sort this boy out.
They are your feelings and are the most immediate to you. You can feel them, embrace them, become vulnerable. That will better the situation more than any therapy can
This will allow a certain openness that others involved in this situation will recognise, that will trigger openness of heart and mind, within them too.
Stay in a space of love within yourself, for the two of them.
You say the boy has issues....that is just gonna take such a long winded road to blah- blah -land. who hasn't got "issues"? some more some less. There is a slight judgement about him beong less than perfect....alllow that.
lastly pray quietly, pray lovingly....before you seek to mend him/her or the situation
Your daughter despite her apparent suffering can take it, she is strong, she has gone down down that road she must have in her to overcome it. Have faith in her strength. Silently hold them in your heart. Both are acting out their own dormant energies. Ask for it to become a jolly ride...and it will. Lighten up within first, the situation will follow suit
Sending blessings to all involved
My girls are now 23 and 27 respectively. The oldest one, when she was 14, got in with 'the wrong crowd' (in my opinion) and went off the rails to the extent of self-harming when she felt she was being ostracized by these so-called 'friends'. Anything I or her Dad did to try and help was thrown back at us, and the arguments were horrendous. Eventually, we told her we would support her whatever happened, but that we would not surrender to her pleas of 'leave me alone'. She was still under our roof, and would have to toe the line whilst living with us. It was the worst 18 months of my life. Then, out of nowhere, her whole outlook changed, and the reason was because the main protagonist from 'the crowd' had been sent to a young offenders institution and they had all split up. To this day she cringes when she thinks about how she behaved. She went on to Uni and came out the other end with a 2:1 and is now working in textiles - a level-headed, responsible and lovely young woman.
The younger daughter had watched her sister with some incredulity! However, she didn't exactly go off the rails, but she did push all our buttons for a couple of years when she was 15. She went a whole month without a civil word to either of us. At this point, as she wouldn't talk to me, I wrote a very long letter to her - posted it even. I was honest in every word, telling her how she was affecting everything and everyone around her. Whatever I wrote must have resonated somewhere deep in her, as her personality reverted to the lovely kid she had been up until the button pushing commenced. She still has the letter - it's framed and on her bedroom wall!!!!
One thing I have learned over the years is to keep my mouth shut. We cannot say anything or do anything to change them. If you do, it makes them move away even more. They really have to make their own conclusions. You can suggest and advise all you like, but it generally goes in one ear and floats out of the other. Have any of her friends tried to intervene?
My daughter is 21 now, so I hope I've been through the worst of it (though some parents say that the worry and angst over your children NEVER end!) I can really feel for you Sacrel, as to see your child suffer and to feel helpless to relieve their suffering must be one of the most torturous things of all!
All I can suggest is to be there for her, to make sure she knows that you are there for her, that you will listen and support her when she needs you.. She will have to make her own mistakes and her own decisions, and however much you try to protect her from pain of such difficult lessons, children do seem to need to learn in their own way (and often not the easiest way)..
My daughter: She has been in tears on average once a month; she frequently worries about when he becomes moody again and his expression of jealousy if she talks to another. It has begun to affect her college work which she wishes to move on to university.
Your post also reminded me of my own experience of being a teenager (from a looooong time ago) - I was forever in the throes of romantic love (mostly towards highly unsuitable boys, who either didn't like me at all or, if they returned my affection, didn't treat me very well) and at the time I probably cried every day - or at least a few times a week - for some years! I've made some truly idiotic, insane and sometimes dangerous mistakes in some of those earlier relationships - and nothing my parents could have said or done at the time would have changed my mind at the time in relation to some of the decisions I've made. However I've survived these experiences, and eventually learned from them, and now many years later have a wonderful loving relationship with an amazing man (we've been together for 12 years now..)
So be there for your daughter, try not to alienate her with your concerns or worries, and trust her to work things out for herself. Do get support for yourself (a friend's listening ear or perhaps counselling), it is awfully hard to go through these experiences on your own.
Best of luck
Masha
Hi Sacrel,
Earlier this year, I had a similar anxiety about my 19 year old son and a relationship with a South American girl five years his senior, which was dividing the family - written about here on healthy pages sometime in January. Like you, I want the relationship to end but know that I can't influence that.
He's the youngest of my three children, but this is the biggest challenge so far.
From what I can read from your post, you are experiencing a lot of discomfort that your daughter should be feeling pain. You can see the dynamics of the situation - she wants to be the rescuer, you know that no one can be the rescuer - and you hate that you can't do anything to help her with her pain.
The solution I have found for myself, with my children, is that pain is inevitable and should be allowed. You, as a parent, have to get over that discomfort.
The more painful times they fully experience whilst still living with you, the more 'life training' they are getting. Valuable lessons are learned at a point when there is plenty of time to change, adapt and get back on track. In a sense, the entire, situation can be seen to be 'a good thing' - but it does require that you pull on extra resources within yourself and stand back.
My philosophy, for the most part has been, the more mistakes made whilst they are still close at hand, the better - as long as you, the parent, are supportive of them. Because they are young, the stakes are relatively low.
Things usually end when the gap betwen what a person wants and what they are getting gets too big to handle - you might possibly be able to shine a light on this gap, but her peer group will probably do it faster and better.
You know that your daughter is sensitive, caring and beautiful. Keep the space open for her to grow into her full and wonderful potential and it will happen.
Alison
PS One of the problems I had applying this philosophy with child number three is that child number one thought I 'ought to be doing more' and becamse very emotionally involved.
This sort of corrosive relationship will eventually implode. The sooner your daughter realises this fellow is 'drowning' emotional and taking her down with him, and gets herself free, the better.
All you can do is just to be there for her when it happens.
Hi All
Thanks for your replies and sharing your experiences. Its also certainly helps to know others have had similar experiences and what you have had to go through and the way you coped.Puts my situation into perspective and the possible hope, which I feel appreciative to read your experiences. 
In my profession being on the other side of the fence once in a while brings a more closer understanding and a reminder to these experiences. My concern for her happiness and safety is a natural fathers reaction who cares for his daughter brings comfort in some way.
I agree with everyone, stand back, not too far but enough to allow her to experience and make the decisions for herself yet keeping within a close range for her safety. just to be there for her, letting her know she has a safe place to fall if needing too, Oh and a reminder to 'Chillout dad' for me :o.
At the age of 16 I expect the relationship to fizzle out over time as minds change at this age.
(Makes you wonder how our parents coped with us at this age ;))
Blessings
Sacrel