Hi, my sister is angry at everything! She is 32 I am 30 and there is an older sister at 36, who is very black & white but happy enough. The middle sister, has brought up her daughter on her own and does an amazing job, she has been single for about 5 years now. She has gone through college and learnt all kinds of holistic therapies and has alot going for her. But she gets so angry about stuff, currently my mum has been diagnosed with a serious illness, my sister is so angry at our step dad because he is this weak man who has also contracted a serious illness and clings to my mum in the most pathetic manner etc etc. But I am not angry all the time, I ring her she just spouts off seemingly about everything. I feel like I'm going to have to walk round on egg shells coslike today I said "try not to get so angry about it all...." Oh she gets so defensive if I try to offer advice or be suggestive or positive. I invited her for dinner sunday, and she said she will come but will probably be in a real mood so I shoudl be prepared! Its like she dosnt even want to control it or something by saying that, or everyone else will have to just put up with it and suffer her mood and her anger. She said "you invited me so tough if I'm in a mood and angry I cant help been angry" I dont know how to deal with her for the best, what will help her, I darn''t suggest some counselling to deal with all her past issues. I just have actually thought should I avoid seeing her as much as I just feel dragged down by it or guilty for loving my life and not been so angry about stuff all the time. I have a lot of supportive friends, enjoy my job etc etc What can I do? How should I deal with her? I know she has alot of issues but I dont want to be around her like this it's horrible!
Any advice anyone?
RE: My sister is always very angry, how do I deal with her?
First of all, I'd like to say 'hi', Poppychi. Good to 'see' you again, even though you're having to deal with these bad vibes from your sister.
I think it's surprising that your sister is allowing herself to be overwhelmed by this anger when she would appear to have the tools to deal with it ie her holistic therapies. I wonder if she's still treating other people and if they too are picking up on her negativity.
Maybe this is just a temporary storm and it will blow over as she becomes reconciled to the sad news of your mother's illness and the fact that your stepfather is not good at handling this, as he too has his own health problems.After all, he can't help the fact that he is a weak person; that's the way he is and he's probably really really scared too.
In fact, that's probably your sister's problem: she's just plain terrified of losing her mum...would they be particularly close, would you say? So I think that's it, your sister's reverted to a terrified and therefore very angry little girl and there's no reaching her at the moment. She's having a sort of prolonged footstamping tantrum and relying on you to be strong enough to contain her rage. (God knows where all this insight is coming from BTW, it's just pouring out of my fingertips.)
Poppychi, I don't really know what to say. I sense that she really needs to let go of all this - like a volcano blowing. but I'm not sure you should be in the way when it happens...although she'll need big hugs and a shoulder to cry on eventually. I was going to say write her a letter. Just let it write itself somehow...take her for a walk in the countryside. Maybe she would be able to accept some kind of hands on healing (Reiki? EFT?) to siphon off some of the anger.
I don't know what else to say but I wish you and her - and your mother and stepfather - absolutely the best possible outcome in this testing and challenging time.
Much love
Sunanda xxx
RE: My sister is always very angry, how do I deal with her?
I think the issue here is not what you can do to change her behaviour but what can you do to change your behaviour towards her?
I think you should take a big deep breath on Sunday and tell her how her behaviour makes you feel. Spend this week practising what you want to say in front of the mirror.
You need to be as unaccusational as possible and say you understand that she has problems / issues but her attitude is making you feel that you can't communicate with her and are walking on eggshells etc. etc.
At the end of the day, she can do one of two things. Shout and scream at you (which is just as bad as what you are dealing with now IMO) or she will take on board what you say and try to change.
Don't lether drag you down. Be assertive with her.
Good luck.
RE: My sister is always very angry, how do I deal with her?
Thank you both for your responses they are equally helpful. She is so scary sometimes, I know its a form of control but you still think 'oh lighten up' crikey life is hard accept it! i think she would possibly bury me under a patio!
I will try to respond in a different manner as much as poss, I might keep suggesting trips to places which are nice for a while, but at the same time keep practising been more assertive with her too. I have always felt like I have to be the strong one even though I am younger, I don't mind but only as long as someone is willing to help themselves!
Sundana it's nice to be back, what is great is this is the one place I always always get insight and good advice I can rely on, healthy pages and those like you have truly been a blessing to me throug out most of my difficulties. Of course I have an equally strong network of friends outside of cyber space, but I was so glad to know I could come here with this one problem.
I will try keep you informed of progress.
🙂
RE: My sister is always very angry, how do I deal with her?
It is possible that your sister is not just angry but depressed. Its normal to feel anger, healthy even, but when someone is angry all the time, there are usually underlying issues and issues that havent been resolved or dealt with. I would say this, it may be hard for your sister to watch people who she perceives as having a great life while she may feel like she is hanging by a thread.
You can support her without being responsible for her. You do not need to spend time with her if it is upsetting you, you are not obliged to just because you are related. She is an adult and as such is responsible for her own behaviour.
There are other ways that you can communicate with your sister without having to see her for a time if you feel it is draining you, email, msn, you can send a card or 2 etc. Maybe you need to tell her and tell her plainly how she ismaking you feel and let things come to a head.
It is very easy to tip toe round people and say, its ok, this is ok, that is ok when you really want to tell someone that they are cheesing you right off.
All it does is make you feel resentful. You can point her in the direction of support lines, counselling (this isnt for everyone), EFT etc but the only person who can work through her anger or depression is her, she may benefit from seeing her GP and telling him/her how she is feeling.
Pauline
RE: My sister is always very angry, how do I deal with her?
I agree with Jade321...you can't ever change her, so you'll have to focus on changing or adjustingyour views towards her. My older sistre is a complete pyscho towarsds me but I'm just trying to avoid her as much as possible and focus on myself and not her negative energy. Continue to act nice towards her and hope for the best.
RE: My sister is always very angry, how do I deal with her?
just my twopenceworth, i also think there could be something underlying and does your sis ever get a break? maybe you mum was helping her til she got poorly and she's frustrated she's now got no 'time out' and feeling guilt at the frustration of having no 'time out' it could be a viscious circle of emotion. the very fact that she lashes at you tells me she loves you deeply and you must be her rock in what has become an uncertain world, does she get hugs?? i'd just say 'oh shut up woman' and hug her next time she starts, bombard her with love, listen without speaking and finally send healing thoughts her way. i will be sending these out tonight for her. i hope things improve