Thanks Amy. There must be something I'm doing wrong and the problem seems to be getting worse. Even when I try to have a good time I attract something negative/aggressive. I probably need anti-depressants as they help me to feel calmer and even though I try, I'm not naturally calm. People think that I am but underneath there is a lot going on! Resentment I think. I wonder whether I have a personality disorder - really feels like I rub people up the wrong way. Not everyone but enough to feel like I stand out in a negative way or seem easy to push around.
PS I've also suffered long-term ostracism/bullying at work which I've mentioned elsewhere. I think it has changed me and made me feel defeated.I'm still looking for another job but it becomes a vicious circle.
My mother has never shown affection to either of us. She used to watch TV all day and never engage with us. She didn't really feed us well even. Everything seemed too much trouble. My brother has his problems and often I felt like the one who she favoured if anything. But I think she put a lot of pressure on me, as the girl, and drove me away. I was supposed to be her best friend, confidante etc and take care of her and I lost my own childhood doing that.
I think you are right when you pinpoint that resentment is an issue here. There are many layers to how you currently are and online forums are an inadequate means for truly helping to make a difference in such a complex, longstanding situation.
I hope you get the secondary care counselling soon....maybe asking when the likelihood of this will be would do no harm, i.e. remind them of your needs or perhaps you already know when it is likely to be?
All I can suggest is, as mentioned previously, that you try and offset your negative experiences by some positive ones e.g. listening to music, pampering yourself etc. You badly need to input some good stuff! 
I think you are right when you pinpoint that resentment is an issue here. There are many layers to how you currently are and online forums are an inadequate means for truly helping to make a difference in such a complex, longstanding situation.
I hope you get the secondary care counselling soon....maybe asking when the likelihood of this will be would do no harm, i.e. remind them of your needs or perhaps you already know when it is likely to be?
All I can suggest is, as mentioned previously, that you try and offset your negative experiences by some positive ones e.g. listening to music, pampering yourself etc. You badly need to input some good stuff!
I will give them a call as I seem to be on a waiting list. There has already been one administrative error with this and they sent me to the wrong place. Trying to find good quality help is difficult and when you are vulnerable it seems hard to get out of a hole.