jealousy - i am a nightmare!!

To be a little blunt (sorry):) but you must grow up.

When my kids used to say 'treat me like an adult' my reply was 'of course, when you act like one!'

Why not do the opposite to what you do now. Get one of the sexy films YOU can watch and then watch it together. You might get a plesant surprise.

Did you just have one session of EFT? You may need more - even if it is just to help you relax and learn to accept yourself, and give you the ability to forgive others for doing, to be quite honest, perfectly normal human things.

One of my friends at school (a very long time ago!) developed a huge jealousy 'thing' when we got into the final year - if she was going out with a boy, and he should meet us at the school door, she would cry/sob/scream if he spoke to one of her friends. She didn't keep boyfriends very long. She also hated anything to do with nudity - sports day was a nightmare, as she wouldn't change with us. As an 'all girl' school, we didn't get the opportunity to mingle with the opposite sex, but someone always managed to bring in some inoffensive 'porn' that a brother had hidden but she had found - the books went round the 6th form like a dose of salts. It never upset me or anyone else, but this girl thought it was disgusting and used to report us to the deputy head!!! Her father was incredibly 'victorian' and her mother left home when the girls (3 sisters) were in their teens. She'd had enough.

I lost touch with her after we left school, but heard at a school reunion 20 years later that she had been married 4 times, and at that time was on husband number 5. I wouldn't have the strength!!!

hello...

as much as i would love to just "grow up" this isn't something i have control over.. i have tried to change it, and just can't seem to get anywhere...

with the greatest respect, that's almost like telling a person with depression to just "snap out of it"!!

this thing is causing me a lot of pain, probably more than it causes my partner. i don't know where it comes from but it isn't me being silly or childish, the feelings i feel are very real. perhaps my post was too lighthearted?

i wanted a little insight from the knowledgeable people here, perhaps some clues as to where this might stem from so i know where to go with this.

i had 4 sessions with the therapist, and then gave up because i wasn't getting anywhere and it was quite expensive.

thanks you x

hi white doves

not much fun to be in the grasp of such jealousy.

being told to 'grow up' is not a very sensitive response to such a painful situation,

One of my suggestions is holly flower remedy from the bach range..available at boots and holland and barratt

it helps to dissolve patterns of jealousy.

worth a try,

tigress

,

Hey Sweets,
See you will have to see the things in a different way. Now like as you said that you can watch the Sexy film alone oy with your male or female friends but not with your Partner. what if he will do the same that he will watch the films with his friends and not with you. By doing this you are actually making him uncomforatble. This is the basic nature of a male that he wants freedom do not show jealousy or doubt otherwise he will cretainly go away. Just show how much you love him and want him by giving small surprises i am sure he wont even think of going anywhere. Involve him in your life. Discuss the things with him.

The "grow up" response - I don't think that was very helpful :rolleyes:

I have struggled with jealousy throughout my life and funnily enough my mother was similar to yours (didn't let us watch anything with nudity or have any mags/papers in the house with any half naked women). Sometimes I think this behaviour is learned.

Two things have helped me accept myself and acknowledge my feelings but not let them take over. They are therapy and reiki - both have been a massive help.

Perhaps try EFT again - if this is a problem you've suffered with for a while it may well take more than one session to see some real results.

Good luck!

Dear Chloe (White.Doves)

I am sorry to hear about your jealousy issues and it was very insensitive to be told to grow up.

Might be barking up the wrong tree but just an idea: Have you ever thought that this feeling could be to do with a past life? Perhaps trying a past life regression might give you some answers of why you are like you currently are, as well as advice on how to deal and address it.

Hi White Doves

I understand your fears, jealousy can be so disruptive in relationships.

From your post, I see that you do not get jealous of his friends or when he is away with people in 'real life'... it is tv, films and the media that upset you most, yes? If so, then that suggests to me that you may be subconsciously comparing yourself to an ideal of beauty/sexiness that you feel you cannot achieve, so this might be why the media affects you more... women in the media are often portrayed as flawless, sexy and air-brushed to perfection and if deep down you feel like you can never live up to this ideal of beauty, then it will affect your confidence and self-esteem, hence the green-eyed monster coming out!

You need to step back and analyse this and your feelings... the media image of women is usually not a real image by a long shot. The women are not actually perfect... the images are photo-shopped and air-brushed, specially lighted and they have a ton of make-up on to make them appear flawless on camera. They are a fantasy... if you are comparing and measuring yourself by this standard, or feel that other people do, you can never win. Chances are your boyfriend is not comparing you to these images, as he knows they are fantasy and not real. So, deep down, do you compare yourself to these images of women? Do you think your boyfriend really does compare you to them too?

Everyone is entitled to their fantasies, you cannot stop him from looking at images of women in the media as they are everywhere! So you do need to get your jealousy in control. Therapies like EFT can certainly help, there are free guides on the internet that can help to teach you the techniques for yourself... I understand the expense though, so you may want to try a bit of self-analysis to work through your feelings....

Next time you find yourself feeling this way when watching tv or a film, try to take some deep breaths and mentally step back a bit from the situation, instead of letting your emotions take hold... remind yourself that these women are not real, they are an idealistic representation and a fantasy... your boyfriend does not wish to compare you to them and he knows they are not real... think about how you are feeling... think about why you are feeling this way... and yes, talk to him about it, but in a calm way! He sounds like a great guy, so maybe if you open up to him before the jealousy kicks in he can maybe help you through your insecurities. Let him know that you know your feelings are irrational sometimes... tell him how you feel, without blaming him for your feelings, as it is not his fault and he has done nothign wrong. You need to let him know that, and tell him it is something you want to sort out in your own head so you can both be happy.

Hope this helps! Welcome to HP by the way.

Curious Gerge - just wanted to say - brilliant post!!! 🙂

I would also recommend the essence of Holly; works wonders for patterns of jealousy.

You may need to take it for some months though.

There's a path for the energy of this emotion and
hate/frustration, on a certain finger joints with
points for acupuncture.

Hiya Chloe

I have no advice for you hun, but just wanted to say that you have just made a very big step in the right direction by being honest about this.. its one thing to admit stuff like this to ourselves, but an even bigger step to open up to others about it. I wonder if this kind of thing can be ingrained in us from those formative years.. under 5.. when we are developing and learning from our surroundings without really being aware of it.. those patterns just being ingrained to an extent that we have to learn to reprogram ourselves when they do surface or we become aware of them iykwim.

I also agree about giving the back flower remedies 'holly' a go.. they are very effective, they can take time to have that effect but doesnt all healing.

I hope you find your way with this, please let us know how you're getting on.

Be kind to yourself 🙂

Lots of Love
sue xx

Hello Chloe,

I am wondering if the jelousy is not of your boyfriend watching the sex scenes/nudity but if the jelousy is because you feel you don't look as good as the actors or you are not as adventurous as the actors but wish you was? I hope it goes without saying that I am not trying to hurt your feelings in any way, quite the contrary I am trying to help but as a counsellor I know that it is things about ourselves that are the hardest to look at, aspects of ourselves we don't like.
I am wondering if underneath all the layers you wish you could be more like the people on the screen but it's your Mother's voice in your ear that stops you? Maybe your inner child still needs and wants her approval and you that behaving in the same way as the people on the screen is not the way to get it. Just some thoughts.

Love

Rebecca x

Curious_George Brilliant post ! x

Hi just like to add that most men look at the female form. Its in their nature. It doesn't mean anything, and its not meant to be degrading.
If anything its admiring, but it is not to be taken as a threat or even personally. Its a bit like being in an art gallery, we admire the paintings, but have no desire to posses them, and when we leave they are usually forgotten. Some women over estimate men in that they read more into a situation than is actually there. If your partner has chosen you, then you are the actual painting that he does want to posses. Don't forget that when you are out together other men probably look at you. Your partner has to accept this. Personally I think its harder for the man to deal with this type of insecurity. Hope it works out for you.