My wife and I have been married for 3 years. She is Korean and I am from the US. We live in Korea. She gets extremely jealous any time I talk to or have contact with a Korean woman that's under 40. Especially if the woman is single or she assumes they are. In our circle of friends, there doesn't seem to be any jealousy, but we rarely meet single people as most of our friends are married.
Examples: First time I felt something could be wrong was when we met a woman and her husband who were also like us, an interracial couple in Korea. My wife befriended the woman online. The woman's husband was US military and his wife Korean. The conversation went well between the four of us, though at times I think my wife was out of the loop. Her English skills, while quite good, were not as good as the rest of us who are all fluent. That night she claimed I liked the other woman because I was not holding her hand or putting my arm around her during the day as much as the other guy was doing with his wife. This to her was a sign that I must want the other woman more than her.
Second time this cropped up was when taking a tour to Turkey with a Korean group. There was definitely a beautiful girl (model like) on the trip. At our first meal the girl and her mother sat at the table with us. I was completely exhausted as we had just come off of an 11 hour flight to Istanbul and had not slept for almost 20 hours by that point. My wife struck up a convo with the two in Korean, which I don't speak. During this conversation my wife tells me the girl/woman is 32 and is amazed at how young she looks. My wife asks me if I think she looks young. I reply that I do. When we get to the hotel that night, I'm accused of liking this girl and not showing affecton at the table to my wife because of this. Big argument. I am also told that in their conversation the girl told my wife that she too would like to date and perhaps marry a foreigner. From this my wife then believes the girl is in pursuit of me. The next day the mother and her daughter sit near us again. My wife does not talk to them unless spoken to. Answers them shortly. Eats quickly and gets up from the table. I tell her that I'm not finished and am waiting for dessert. My dessert comes and I eat it. My wife later accuses me of wanting the dessert so I can sit longer with the beautiful woman. She is irate. By the end of the trip my wife is totally consumed with this woman. The girl has not sit near us on our tour bus the whole trip but on the last day she sits in a seat directly in front of us. My wife gets up and moves to another seat and tells me to come. By this time I'm completely frustrated with the whole thing and decided I am just sitting there. After ten minutes I move because I don't want to cause a bigger scene, letting others on the trip know we are fighting.
Just last week we went on another tour trip to Australia and New Zealand. Once again, the third meal in we sit at a table for four and two women who are sisters sit with us. I'd guess they are probably late twenties, early thirties. My wife talks to them. Not wanting them to think I'm unfriendly, I ask them in English have they traveled outside Korea before. They answer and I ask a little more about their trip. At night I'm accused again of flrting, showing sexual interest, etc. with someone for asking them a rather benign question. Trying to make it home with less arguments, I decided to only speak to these two women when they speak to me. Later, we are sat next to them again. I don't speak, but near the end of the meal I accidently spill water. My wife is angry again claiming that I spilt water because I was nervous. The nervousness comes from being attracted to these women.
There are more examples, but these are the strangest and most delusional that I've found. My work doesn't allow me to be away from my wife that much. I teach at a university and am probably gone on average 25 hours a week. Otherwise, we do everything together. That's also a problem that I've voiced. She needs to have some friends, etc. she hangs out with when I'm not present. She hasn't gone through my phone, or email that I know of. She hasn't accused me of infidelity. But I have a feeling things would be far worse if I had a regular job where I was in constant contact or had to work with women on a daily basis.
Any thoughts?
My wife and I have been married for 3 years. She is Korean and I am from the US. We live in Korea. She gets extremely jealous any time I talk to or have contact with a Korean woman that's under 40. Especially if the woman is single or she assumes they are. In our circle of friends, there doesn't seem to be any jealousy, but we rarely meet single people as most of our friends are married.
Examples: First time I felt something could be wrong was when we met a woman and her husband who were also like us, an interracial couple in Korea. My wife befriended the woman online. The woman's husband was US military and his wife Korean. The conversation went well between the four of us, though at times I think my wife was out of the loop. Her English skills, while quite good, were not as good as the rest of us who are all fluent. That night she claimed I liked the other woman because I was not holding her hand or putting my arm around her during the day as much as the other guy was doing with his wife. This to her was a sign that I must want the other woman more than her.
Second time this cropped up was when taking a tour to Turkey with a Korean group. There was definitely a beautiful girl (model like) on the trip. At our first meal the girl and her mother sat at the table with us. I was completely exhausted as we had just come off of an 11 hour flight to Istanbul and had not slept for almost 20 hours by that point. My wife struck up a convo with the two in Korean, which I don't speak. During this conversation my wife tells me the girl/woman is 32 and is amazed at how young she looks. My wife asks me if I think she looks young. I reply that I do. When we get to the hotel that night, I'm accused of liking this girl and not showing affecton at the table to my wife because of this. Big argument. I am also told that in their conversation the girl told my wife that she too would like to date and perhaps marry a foreigner. From this my wife then believes the girl is in pursuit of me. The next day the mother and her daughter sit near us again. My wife does not talk to them unless spoken to. Answers them shortly. Eats quickly and gets up from the table. I tell her that I'm not finished and am waiting for dessert. My dessert comes and I eat it. My wife later accuses me of wanting the dessert so I can sit longer with the beautiful woman. She is irate. By the end of the trip my wife is totally consumed with this woman. The girl has not sit near us on our tour bus the whole trip but on the last day she sits in a seat directly in front of us. My wife gets up and moves to another seat and tells me to come. By this time I'm completely frustrated with the whole thing and decided I am just sitting there. After ten minutes I move because I don't want to cause a bigger scene, letting others on the trip know we are fighting.
Just last week we went on another tour trip to Australia and New Zealand. Once again, the third meal in we sit at a table for four and two women who are sisters sit with us. I'd guess they are probably late twenties, early thirties. My wife talks to them. Not wanting them to think I'm unfriendly, I ask them in English have they traveled outside Korea before. They answer and I ask a little more about their trip. At night I'm accused again of flrting, showing sexual interest, etc. with someone for asking them a rather benign question. Trying to make it home with less arguments, I decided to only speak to these two women when they speak to me. Later, we are sat next to them again. I don't speak, but near the end of the meal I accidently spill water. My wife is angry again claiming that I spilt water because I was nervous. The nervousness comes from being attracted to these women.
There are more examples, but these are the strangest and most delusional that I've found. My work doesn't allow me to be away from my wife that much. I teach at a university and am probably gone on average 25 hours a week. Otherwise, we do everything together. That's also a problem that I've voiced. She needs to have some friends, etc. she hangs out with when I'm not present. She hasn't gone through my phone, or email that I know of. She hasn't accused me of infidelity. But I have a feeling things would be far worse if I had a regular job where I was in constant contact or had to work with women on a daily basis.
Any thoughts?
Golly!
I would keep it simple in my head....stories are rife and they eventually do your head in!
All these incidents point out that a certain balance needs to come in.
Don't presume she knows your feelings. Do let her know what she means to you how important and no scope of other woman in your life....presuming that is the case.
Rather than keep focusing on her paranoia, by internally regurgitating the incidents of extreme jealousy on her part. Do the practical thing, sit together, in quietude, holding hands or in embrace and allow the trust to go deeper.
As you create this quiet space for the two of you the energy of fear, doubt, distrust will make itself clear to her. Acknowledge it and understand it, let her know that you care to understand nd have insight into why she feels she what she feels. She clearly does not want to lose you and perceives that other women are after you and eventually you will be stolen.....simple fears when seen, acknowledged dispassionately, and with understanding, start to lose their hold.
Sit together, being really really present to each other. it can entail being in deep respect of the space that holds you together. Being in deep engagement, not just with words, but with gaze, intent and touch. Do this for not just one evening, but make a routine of it. People don't engage fully, all kinds of problems are solved by being simply present
Complex problems have very simple solutions, provided one is ready to embrace simplicity.
In your particular case, this alone will dissolve this disruptive energy
May love heal all rancours
Golly!
I would keep it simple in my head....stories are rife and they eventually do your head in!
All these incidents point out that a certain balance needs to come in.
Don't presume she knows your feelings. Do let her know what she means to you how important and no scope of other woman in your life....presuming that is the case.Rather than keep focusing on her paranoia, by internally regurgitating the incidents of extreme jealousy on her part. Do the practical thing, sit together, in quietude, holding hands or in embrace and allow the trust to go deeper.
As you create this quiet space for the two of you the energy of fear, doubt, distrust will make itself clear to her. Acknowledge it and understand it, let her know that you care to understand nd have insight into why she feels she what she feels. She clearly does not want to lose you and perceives that other women are after you and eventually you will be stolen.....simple fears when seen, acknowledged dispassionately, and with understanding, start to lose their hold.
Sit together, being really really present to each other. it can entail being in deep respect of the space that holds you together. Being in deep engagement, not just with words, but with gaze, intent and touch. Do this for not just one evening, but make a routine of it. People don't engage fully, all kinds of problems are solved by being simply presentComplex problems have very simple solutions, provided one is ready to embrace simplicity.
In your particular case, this alone will dissolve this disruptive energy
May love heal all rancours
I appreciate your response, and I have taken that approach in the past. I am not constantly regurgitating this to her. In fact, this time, I told her I would not talk about these women because it was not reality. I would talk about anything else she wanted to talk about, but I was finished discussing this. I have tried so often to assure her that I love her and care for her in a very gentle way. But it does not take. She had agreed to go to marital therapy with me. Now she says she wants a divorce and will go see a lawyer Saturday. I wish it would work out, but I don't think it will without counselling.
Hello Dotmic,
I hope your wife does agree to go with you to counseling. It sounds like she is a deeply insecure woman, lacking any sort of confidence and needs not only patience, but compassion from you (easier said than done, I know)
These beautiful words below that I often share on here, describe the one real, permanent relationship you both have and can always depend upon:
"Being the Beloved expresses the core truth of our existence... We are intimately loved long before our parents, teachers, spouses, children and friends loved or wounded us ...
Listening to that voice with great inner attentiveness, I hear at my centre words that say: 'I have called you by name, from the very beginning. You are mine and I am yours ... on you my favour rests. I have moulded you in the depths of the earth and knitted you together in your mother's womb. I have carved you in the palms of my hands and hidden you in my embrace... You belong to me. I am your father, your mother, your brother, your sister, your lover and your spouse...yes, even your child...wherever you are I will be. Nothing will ever separate us. We are one." (Henri Nouven, Life of the Beloved)
Make a list of all the qualities that your wife has that you love and appreciate - think of your own special qualities and dwell on these, dwell on gratitude, rather than fear and anger. It makes a huge difference.
Many people have found answers to marital difficulties through prayer - but that may not be the solution you were thinking of. If you feel like reading these, you may find them helpful. None is your exact situation, but I'm just including them to show how a change of thought can bring about harmony and resolution - one way or the other:
[url]How I gained a better concept of marriage [/url]
[url]"PUTTING GOD FIRST SAVED MY MARRIAGE" [/url]
Love and peace,
Judy