Hi everyone
I wonder if anyone could give me some advice Ive been with my husband for 9 years now and we have children together, the relationship has never been easy as he was an alcoholic and still is to a point but nowhere near as bad as he used to be, well anyway in our relationship i was mainly ignored most of the time he would go on internet chat rooms and chat to other women alot i felt so alone most of the time we had a child then another it was the only thing that seemed to connect us and plus our whole relationship was based on sex thats the only time he was bortherd with me. we have another 2 children there was alot of mental abuse from him when he was drunk too, it was very upsetting and i cryed alot and wondered what i did to deserve this. my kids never saw any of this because they would be in bed when it started and when they were around we would play happy familys except for sitting in different rooms.
I think he cheated on me a few times but i cant be sure as he denies it all even though i found out he went on a date with another women he said nothing happened and he was just comforting her because she was having problems with her ex. anyway all this time and things that have gone on has changed me alot, ive become alot stronger person and i all of a sudden changed i didnt care for him so much anymore and wouldnt mind being on my own with the kids. He has noticed this and now after all this time is scared of losing me. I cant forget about everything that has happened and i havent explained it all but he has hurt me so deeply that i dont think i can be with him anymore. Ive started being a bit nasty to him and keep pushing him away from me now, all these years of being ignored only now he wont leave my side and im finding it really hard not to push him away, i feel like its over i really do but i do feel bad for him, he has no family except us and nowhere to go as money is very tight (he doesnt work due to an injuery) so we spend all day everyday together its so hard im starting to hate being in the same house as him. I think i would be so much happier on my own with the kids and i think they would see a happier me. He gets upset and crys when we talk about it now and keeps saying sorry for what hes done over the years but i really think i cant do it anymore, the relationship is still all based on sex where as i need to talk and communicate more so to me its still all what he wants.
I really feel like im being pushed along to end this relationship this year angels spirit guides ect. I just want to be happy can anyone surgest anything? thanks for listening xx
I am sorry you are having a terrible time. Any decision needs to be certain, especially if you are going to be changing you and your children and husbands life for ever so make sure you think very carefully before you make any decision. Here are a couple of suggestions that may help. It must be very difficult for you.
Have you thought about trying counselling with your husband? Your G.P can refer you to see someone, they are not there to tell you what to do but to mediate and let you say and him say what you need to to each other and this may help you make any bigger decisions. You may try it and find it confirms your wish to leave or you may try it and find you want to stay, at least you will have done what you could to save the relationship
I would try citizens advice for information on what you may be entitled to if you leave with the children and if there is any help available, financially and support wise, particularly if there has been alcohol abuse in the past your husband may not be happy about you going so you do need to think ahead and plan this. Maybe the citizens advice can put you in touch with the support group for alcoholics, who may be able to advise you or at least offer support to you and your husband.
If I could send you a hug down the internet I would. It really is what you need. I do not envy you having to make such a big decision, only you can make the right one and no matter what others say only you know how it is day to day. Hopefully you will recieve lots of support here, take care and look after yourself.
Hi moonbeam and welcome to HP
You're in a tough situation and no one can advise you on what to do, Going to counselling such as relate can help....they're not there to just help you get your marraige back on track...but they do (so I'm told..I;ve never used them) help you to see if there's anything worth saving in the marraige and then support you if you do go for a break up
Divorce is a nasty game and I certainly wouldn't recommend it to anyone....but having said that..i was in an unhappy marraige for years and have just recently (5 months:D) got my divorce through....the initial few weeks of splitting up I found hard...but then when I realised I don't have that 'black cloud' around me anymore....life got great
whatever path you take...I wish you the best and brightest of luck
xxxxxxxxxx
Hi Moonbeam
I agree with other posts, try and have counseling, there is lots of help out there for you both together and separately. The fact is, you have been abused by an alcoholic for the past few years, your children will have noticed and will be affected by your unhappines too. I have deep sympathy for you. This is so typical of an alcoholics behaviour, you now feel guilty for falling out of love with him and worry for him. The way he's treated you with regards to other women is totally unacceptable behaviour, your the one he should have been comforting for all these years! I'm so glad your getting stronger, we normally have to reach rock bottom before getting back on our feet again, finally something has clicked for you?? Your husband sees your strength and is scared you'll leave, he should be, I would have left years ago. I'm not judging you here, just have to be honest, I've been in an abusive relationship. Go and get some FREE advice from a solicitor, they give you an hour, there is lots of help out there for you and your children. You never know, your husband may be able to turn the clock and gain your respect and love again, you need to ask yourself is that what you want. Divorce is messy and hurts but you have to look at the bigger picture, which is you and your children's future hapiness, even living apart from your hubby for now may be a start and then see what the future holds for you. One thing you can be sure of is that you will be happy again.
Good Luck and a big hug from me x
I agree with all of the above, but you have to do what is right for you. I would give it long and carefull consideration before making any knee jerk decisions. Huge hugz and blessings. G x
Sending you a big hug I know what your going through as i have been in a simular situation myself, If you ever need to talk you could pm me, it does sometimes help to talk about it
take care :hug:
My heart goes out to you. It's hard to be in that place where you are hurting and things aren't clear and it's hard to know where your life is going to go.
I don't really have any answers, but I know that prayer (I do not personally have any specific religion) to 'whoever' or 'whatever' sometimes helps me to find my way, and at the very least gives me more feelings of peace.