I apologise if this gets long in advance.
A bit of background; I'm 35 years old. I was an only child, my father died when I was a toddler and my mother developed paranoid schizophrenia. I witnessed a lot of "odd" behaviour from my mother, including extreme violence which hospitalised members of my extended family. I also suffered a lot with separation anxiety as she was often in hospital. Eventually I was brought up by my grandmother, who really was my "Mum". I also lived with my grand-dad and Uncle. The former was "a tyrant" and the latter, was very quiet. I left home at 16 (although not unhappy) to be with my now ex husband. We were together 12 years, I grew up and he didn't and that's basically why we split. In that time, i had my lovely son, who is now 11 years old. We were a very insular couple and neither of us really had any friends until I had my son. I went on to have another relationship which turned out to be emotionally abusive. I struggled with letting the relationship go, but did and spent a lot of time "caring for myself" and being gentle and kind to me. I am proud of what I have acheieved in my life - my lovely son, a decent home and a reasonable job and I've done it alone. I then met my current boyfriend. He's lovely and so "normal". I'm not having to change my behaviour or pander to his whims as I have done in the past. He has had past girlfriends who have been a bit "scary" ie. very insecure or demanding and I know that I am not that sort of person.
So all good? Well, not quite.
I've watched boyfriends behaviour around others, he has a lovely family, he see's his Dad and step Mum nearly every day. He has lots of friends and acquaintances. People who drop by or just pick up the phone for a chat to him. It all seems so easy and natural to him.
It's really making me look at my own friends and acquaintances and I know that it's something I have struggled with since I started at secondary school all those years ago. Always just hanging on the sidelines. Never a loner but having to "fight" to stay on the edge. It's the best I can do. Before I split with my emotionally abusive partner, I started to make real "efforts" to get to know more people, went on college courses, went walking with the ramblers, anything that would get me out and meeting more people. I think I come across as nice enough, but probably quite forgettable. I have a real fear of being "talked about" so I think I try subconsciously to make myself as bland as possible.
This weekend we went to a dinner party at one of boyfriends friends. I enjoyed it to an extent and they are all nice people, but I feel like the outsider (and I am, they have known each other for 20 years) but I don't feel a big enough personality to ever break in. How do you do that?
My boyfriend also made a comment yesterday about how it would be nice if I dropped in on his step mum and Dad occassionally. I will admit to feeling a bit "critisised" although I don't think he meant it like that, I just think he thinks I'm odd for not doing it. As much as I would like an extended family, it just hadn't occurred to me. I'm scared they will think I am a nuisance if I just "pop" in. No-one ever just pops in to me.
We are going to a charity dinner soon and we can invite other people too, I have no-one I could invite. When it was boyfriends 40th birthday, he asked if I wanted to invite any of my friends, but I didnt because one friend already told me it would be her worst nightmare (she doesn't like crowds) and the other is the friend who I feel is constantly taking advantage of me. I don't know anyone else well enough or would be too embarrassed to have them in front of boyfriends friends. I know that sounds bad. 🙁
I have also noticed how my son is really struggling with making friends too and is often left out of things. I do all I can to encourage him to join clubs etc. but I notice that he doesn't really fit in. He either behaves in a totally inappropriate manner (showing off) or struggles on the sidelines.
I have been telling myself for a long time now that I am not naturally an extrovert, that I have to make an effort and that we all have our flaws and weaknesses. I won't allow myself to give up. I even joined facebook and spend most of my time on there, replying to other people and making nice or witty comments, but it all seems just so shallow. The friends I do make in real life tend to be "odd" and "me, me, me" people who either take advantage or just talk about themselves the whole time. I keep on making the effort but don't feel as if anyone "normal" wants to make the effort with me. So what is going on here? Will this ever change for me? Am I just expressing normal fears and feelings or do I need help with this?
Hello Jade,
Your anguish over this issue is evident in your post and my heart goes out to you.
Some of the closest friends I ever had I made through existing friends and acquintances so maybe there is a chance that you can make friends with your boyfriends friends?
What kept coming up for me when I read your post were the words 'body language' and I'm wondering if 'look' like an outsider when you are with these people, as a counsellor I have been on soooooooo many self awareness courses and I know that when we have a belief system in place about ourselves such as 'I am an outsider' that is the image we convey in our facial expressions and body language, while we are conveying these images it also sends out a strong signal for others to keep their distance sort of like saying 'don't bother with me because there's just no point'.
Next time you are with these people try to 'lean' into them, relax and let go of the outsider issue, people love nothing more than talking about themselves so look interested but more importatly ask them questions about themselves if they mention child ask it's name and how old is she/he etc.
Maybe some Inner Child work may be in order right now a good book on the subject is The Homecoming by John Bradshawe.
I apologise if this comes over as critical in any way I am aware that you could know all this stuff already and if so I am sorry.
Love
Rebecca x
Hello Jade,
I haven't posted on here for a while, but having read your post i felt compelled to reply. I understand that you and your son are both only children. I am an only child too - and i also struggle with making friends. "Loner" and "outsider" is how i have felt for most of my life. And i can really empathise with your dilemma about the party you were invited to. That has happened to me a few times. Over the years, my circle of people has grown smaller. Now, in my forties - quality means more to me than quantity! However, i do struggle to make new friends.
Many only children struggle with making friends and find relationships challenging due to growing up without siblings. It was something which had never interested me until i reached my thirties and began to become more aware of myself and develop spiritually. I started to read up on the subject of the only child and found it a revelation. I haven't found an immediate solution to my issues, but i have become more accepting of who i am.
There is a wealth of information on the internet these days about the "only child". I recommend www.beinganonly.com & www.onlychild.org.uk
In love & light
Margaret
You can only act according to what you believe about yourself. Try this process and you should get a totally different perspective on your life.
I've had a quick glance at the recommendations on here. Thank you for those.
Beckyboop - I have looked at my body language in the past and am certainly aware of "open" and "closed" gestures. I think I do OK on this front. I'm happy and smily, ask lots of positive questions and take an interest in the answers. What I'm not so good at, is talking about myself. I think I need to learn to stop worrying about what people may or may not think about me and just be me. People may not like me, but at least I will know one way or the other! lol
The comments from only children was a real eye opener actually and I, like Celtic girl wasn't bothered about being an only child as a child myself, but as an adult, it is worse. That is something that a lot of people probably don't understand. Having playmates as a kid is one thing, having some support as an adult is quite another. Mostly I bumble through life and do OK, tell myself that I'm doing really well and have acheieved a lot based on what I have dealt with in the past but I guess we are always striving to better ourselves and that's not a bad thing. I will have a look at the website Learning has recommended and also look at the books celtric girl has suggested.
I'm struggling with this also...my parents are dead and being an only child I feel so alone. I do have a husband and 3 sons but they have their own lives.
I have no one to socialise with or talk with......I have acquaintences but no one seems to want to connect with me. I volunteer with girlguiding and do yoga ...but there's never anyone I meet that wants to be friends.
I had a strict mum and wasn't allowed out to play, outside my own garden ..others had freedom and they soon got bored of just being in my garden and moved on...leaving me behind.
I can totally empathise with you Jade.... if I do get out I do feel on the outside ...like I'm just making up the numbers.
I have no one to socialise with or talk with......I have acquaintences but no one seems to want to connect with me. I volunteer with girlguiding and do yoga ...but there's never anyone I meet that wants to be friends.
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I can totally empathise with you Jade.... if I do get out I do feel on the outside ...like I'm just making up the numbers.
I wasn't going to reply as I've largely given up on HP, but here goes:
These situations resonated with me. It seems to me that friendships require a lot of work. I find that nobody contacts me. If I want to maintain a friendship, I need to make contact. If I don't, the 'friendship' falls away. Why it is that the onus is on me, I can't quite figure out other than I'm just not worth the time. I find few people I 'click' with, but even when I do 'click' it goes back to what I just said - work or nothing.
Then there are those who are always 'busy'. I used to think there was something wrong with me because I almost always have time if someone wants to get together for a drink, talk, walk, whatever, because I've always believed that you make the time for those you want to spend time with. I've come to realise that people don't like to appear as though they have time on their hands, so invent things to keep busy.
Anyway, there you have it - now to return to lurker status...
Scott,your post comes across as having 'given up' on life in general.If there is one thing I have learned over the past few months is that you have to learn or relearn to love yourself first.Not just admitting it but really feeling it,then and only then can you build great relationships.When you totally love and respect yourself you will attract boundless friendships to you.Scott I hope this helps, it took me a long while to get to this stage and beilieve it is worth it.
Thank you Scott for taking the time to reply ..making the time 🙂 I'm exactly the same I would always have time for a friend........
Glad someone read my post
don’t think you have to worry to much, I don’t think people in general rarely establish close connection and are more of acquaintances. People are really shallow and in order to integrate you go to play their games, friendships often are based on interests and this is how the world goes by. I think it matters weather you want to make the effort or not.
Your boyfriends is a very social person. I am sure as time will go by you will integrate more and more into his circle of friends and family and it will all become familiar to you