I recently carried out a 'letting go' exercise on paper. It goes like this:
"I (name) hereby release myself from any feelings of (hurt, anger, resentment etc) relating to (pesons name). I free myself from any (pain etc) caused by their actions."
You sign the paper and then burn it. I can't remember where I got this from. You can do this exercise as many times as you need to. I found it quite liberating although temporarily very upsetting. I spent some time doing the exercise on 4 people including both my parents.
What I wanted to say was that doing this exercise showed that the negative experiences I had with my parents had very clearly repeated themselves in my adult relationships, more than I had realised. It looks as though I had grown up expecting to be treated exactly the same way my parents had treated me and it was very upsetting to realise this. I don't understand how I hadn't seen this sooner.
Anyway, it means I have to continue the work of learning how to treat myself better. I still have lapses - a sort of automatic pilot whenever I feel stressed or upset, but on the whole it is becoming a little more comfortable to place my needs higher than I had before and to stop feeling fearful and guilty about every damn thing! I still feel that there is such a long way to go though.
Sandra
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RE: Early experiences affecting adult relationships
Hi Sandra,
I've been away for a while while moving house etc, but had a look at the mental & emotional forum this morning and saw that no-one had answered your thread. I've done exactly as you did and wrote to people who made a negative impact on my development as a child and teenager. And now much older and hopefully wiser, I like to reflect a lot on how people affected me and what I have had to do for myself to redress the balance.
One of the brilliant aspects of being 'put down' as a child, and being told that other people were much better than me or cleverer than me, is that now I am able to empathise with people who lack self confidence and self esteem and have been through all the emotional turmoil that it entails. Now, after all these years I feel good about myself and just want to help people to gain their own confidence, that everyone can have for themselves.
Thanks for writing the thread, part of getting over it is to be reminded every so often, about what you had to do to get out of the hole.
Best wishes
Publisher 🙂
RE: Early experiences affecting adult relationships
Hi Sandra,
Sorry I read your post originally and had intended to reply and forgot.
I maybe need to do a similar exercise myself, i constantly recognise problems reocurring in a different form if I don't deal with them, but I think part of the proces of learning and repairing is why you are successful in dealing with this.
I agree entirely with publisher, as often as I reflect on my past woes I realise how lucky I am to have been through those experiences, I find that I am much more able to relate to people and can talk at ease with people of all backgrounds, I too have lots of confidence (although lack in self-esteem) and try to put this to good use.
Good Luck
Love SaffronXX
RE: Early experiences affecting adult relationships
I did that when I did my reiki 2. It was part of the ceremony after being attuned, we had written all the stuff we wanted to let go of ona bit of paper the day before.
Then after the attunement we burned it in what I would only describe as a large version of an oil burner, aromatherapy style. We also put a wish list on a tree.
I am not sure how you "let go" of anything, any experience, positive or negative shapes your life in ways that you dont always recognise until something else happens, from bad times you get strength I think. There are times when I can talk about things that have happened in my life, loss etc and times when I dont want to talk and just get on with it.
Pauline
RE: Early experiences affecting adult relationships
Thanks very much for all your replies. I had written the post when I had a 'wow' moment of realisation about definite patterns in my close relationships that had repeated themselves over and over. Now that it has become clear, I know its an opportunity to turn things around. But it has already taken so long to get to this stage and to start feeling good about myself I sometimes wonder how much longer it is going to take to feel how I'd like to feel.
Still my biggest problem is lack of confidence. Although other people say that I come across as confident, I really don't feel it at all! On the plus side I finally feel very happy about being me, just not feeling particularly confident about my abilities.
Having just reached the end of my college course in holistic therapies and coming through all the challenges that this entailed, I am still full of self doubt that I am any good at it. I don't seem to haver much self-belief and this is something that has got worse as I have got older.
I just wish I could feel more confident and go getting and determined and less fearful but that isn't how I feel. I sometimes feel quite frustrated that it isn't happening.
Sandra
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RE: Early experiences affecting adult relationships
Well, the thing is, its easy to see things in black and white and believe me, people dont always see you the way you see yourself, I know that, I have just been through a very low patch as you know and it takes time to come out the other end even if it only lasts a week or 2, I hate feeling down, I just dont have the personality that can cope with it, I am not someone who walks about life always UP UP UP either but feeling rotten, I hate it.
I am not confident nor go getting and please believe me you dont need to be to get by in this life. I do my job and I do it well but I dont go around shouting about it, I have the satisfaction of knowing that I try my best for the people around me and my work should speak for itself.
Everyone, even the most confident on the outside people have fears and baggage, some people are better than hiding it.
In the last couple of weeks I have managed not to find that elusive reiki share but have found a spiritual group in my local area. I also decided to contact that person that I had drifted from and instead of a negative reaction I was expecting, I got a totally different one.
I also feel that I needed to get really low and get some other stuff off my chest to see that my life, far from being the disaster I thought it was 2 weeks ago, is actually ok.
Give yourself a pat on the back for coming through some crap stuff, dont beat yourself up over things that in the large scheme of things, dont matter to the people who like you.
We can be our own worst critics sometimes and people almost always see another person than we feel inside.
And your kind words to me on another thread helped me enormously.
Pauline
RE: Early experiences affecting adult relationships
Thanks Pauline. Actually your reply has helped me to think about this as a temporary glich because I realised I don't feel like this all the time. I think its finishing the course that has made me feel insecure and fearful because it means another change is iminent. Now that the course is finished I have to get a job and since my last attempt at returning to work ending in me getting really stressed and losing so much confidence I am worried that it will happen again, even though it will be in a different line of work. I suppose I'm scared of trying again because I get stressed so easily nowadays. Years ago I could handle so much more, but that's all gone now. One of the girls on my course suggested I apply for disability allowance but I don't want to do that coz that would be giving in to it.
Sandra
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RE: Early experiences affecting adult relationships
All you need is a supportive employer, believe me, having been through hell in 2001, 2002, 2003 through a job and thought I would never come out the other end, I am as there as I will ever be.
And I have suffered real work related stress in 2 periods in the last 7 years and now, my attitude to that is, I am NEVER going back there.
I have a much more laid back attitude to the stuff that would have bothered me 4 years ago, I have learned who my friends are, I have ditched the people who werent there for me and worse and if I make a right old mess of a day, tomorrow is always another one.
You can get through extreme stress, you think it will never pass but it does, its just how to manage it.
Pauline
RE: Early experiences affecting adult relationships
I think then I will really take my time looking for a job and be very careful about who I work for, maybe try and use my own intuition a bit more too. Thanks Pauline.
Sandra
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RE: Early experiences affecting adult relationships
Hi guys
I have a powerpoint presentation that may help with things if you would like to pm me with email addresses I'll send it to you
Nameste
Nigel
RE: Early experiences affecting adult relationships
That would be great Nigel, thanks very much. I have sent you a PM.
Sandra
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