Depression a view from a non-sufferer

Hmmm! Maybe I should get you to have a word with my husband!

I suffer from depression, although I like to think of myself as being 'in recovery' at the minute. My poor hubby can't understand why I can't communicate with him if it's a bad day. He has over time, learned just to leave me until I'm ready to speak although I know this breaks his heart.

I find that I can be sociable to other people, but not to him. I can't really explain why. I do sometimes feel though, that it takes so much effort to be sociable to the people I have to, that I just feel totally spent. Maybe it's because I know my husband will accept it but others in society don't so they have to come as a higher priority. Horrible thought I know.

I don't think it's a case of taking it out on the people close to us; more
that because they are close to us, we can be ourselves without having to put on a front.

Does that make sense?

Heavenlybodies, i completely agree with what you have said. i find it easy to shut my family out, but then i also shut the rest of the world out too!
it is so very difficult for our loved ones to know how to respond to us when we have an "episode". my children have come to accept that there are sometimes when mum just doesn't, can't or wont comunicate with them, hubby on the other hand seems to take it more personally, bless him lol
depression is so very different for every sufferer, therefore it is so very difficult for their families too.
it would be so easy for everyone involved if there was a text book that just told us all what to expect and how to deal with "it" huh

I decided to grip the bull by the horns and have it out with hime once and for all. I said that when he was with us, like it or not, force himself if he had to, he must be polite and friendly.

this would not have worked for me in the begining nor would it work now. believe me when i say that i regularly beat myself up trying to work out why i am the way i am, and as yet i have not come up with any answers. i am forever analizing myself, especialy in the begining! but now i am a bit more accepting of who/what i am
A Person with depression

if people can't accept that then it is there problem not mine 🙂
if someone has an anti-depression wand could they please wave it on me lol 😉

bonnie :dance:

We don't expect someone with a broken leg to rip their plaster off and pretend there's nothing wrong. Why is it expected that denial fixes depression?

Myarka.

Hadn't thought that orangeblossom was suggesting denial - more looking at an outward view as well as an inward one - difficult I know and I know every case of depression varies. However, if someone does find it helpful to "make an effort" with others - then it may in turn benefit them. As has been proven for example, consciously smiling and laughing can produce beneficial chemicals which in turn improve mood - even if you didn't feel that good to start. So maybe it would work that way?

Just a thought....

now i am a bit more accepting of who/what i am A Person with depression

i find it quite sad that we tend to become defined by depression and as we are told there is no cure it is just something which is lived with and tolerated.

Why not refer to yourself as a person who is a mother? Or a person who most days is able to communicate quite easily and effectively with your family? By concentrating on the 'bad days' is giving them too much power and importance in life.

if someone has an anti-depression wand could they please wave it on me lol 😉

hypnotherapy? NLP? EFT? I have seen these work very effectively with people in overcoming depression...:D

We don't expect someone with a broken leg to rip their plaster off and pretend there's nothing wrong. Why is it expected that denial fixes depression?

Myarka.

I totally agree.

You can't just switch it on and off just to make everyone else around you less uncomfortable whilst on an outing.

Oh this is a difficult one, when I first saw your post orangeblossom, I felt a bit on the defensive. However, if your son appears to have brightned up by your comments then that is good. Have you had a chat with him since about how he may have become to get into this way in the first place with his family? You say he has many friends, which to me seems rather unusual for anyone suffering from depression. Was it only with his close family that he acted this way?

You say he has many friends, which to me seems rather unusual for anyone suffering from depression. Was it only with his close family that he acted this way?

I couldn't really say how he is with friends all the time I only know how he is with us.

You say it is unusual to have many friends with depression, but Stephen Fry is a sufferer and I am sure he has friends a plenty. Maybe because this sort of person puts on a front with others as someone else here said. By doing this they make and keep friends.

I'm sorry to gainsay you, orangeblossom, but I'm a believer that the truth nearly always helps.

What you describe in your son doesn't sound at all like depression as such. You cannot turn depression on and off at will. If he can act normally, and I do hear you that you think it's 'putting it on', then that simply is not depression. Please keep in mind that what I am writing about is real depression, not an off-mood: clinical depression, it is said, takes several months to fall into, and at the very shortest several months to pull out of. You just can't do it like pressing a button.

So there may be a problem there, but it's not classic or clinical depression, I think you can be assured. The reason that "real" or clinical depression takes a minimum of months to pull out of is that it's not just a 'mood' but a chemical state of the brain. So you can no more shrug it off than you can shrug off a broken leg. (I'm telling you this from what I've been taught and do believe, mind you, not from experience.)

That doesn't mean that your son has no psychological issue, and I don't mean that he doesn't. Many very bad inner states are not clinical depression, but still need help and are aweful to have. But it might just be the nature of his personality? In which case others around him may not like that personality, but it's 'him' and how he is.

May I ask: how old is he?

V

ORANGEBLOSSOM, please dont take this the wrong way,unless your son has been diagnosed with depression I dont think that is the problem.I think it is an attention disorder,as posted you cannot just switch it on and off as simply as you have stated.You gave your attention by discussing his behavour and he responded.Because depression has actually proved as a chemical disorder, depending on its severity and other symptoms you would not have got such a quick response.The other thing to remember if left untreated it could turn to depression in later life.It would be better to talk to your son,ask him if all is ok,dig as deep as you can and see what you find.

I feel I have to agree with Venetian and Star. I treat people with depression almost every day and my wife used to suffer with extreme depression which does, on occasion, return (she also has a long history of it in her family).

Your son's case doesn't sound like depression. As has been said, depression is not something that you can just turn on and off so easily. If he was diagnosed as suffering from depression then I would wonder if he has just started to mask it around family. If this is the case, as has already been said then it is just supressed, not treated. I do find this unlikely though as for a sufferer of clinical depression, there is little control over it. The chemical reaction is rather like someone "throwing a switch", many people suffer for no apparent external reason, which in many cases makes the impact on their lives magnified as they have no comprehension of where it came from.

To simply tell someone suffering from clinical depression "you must be polite and friendly" is no different from telling them to "pull themselves together". I'm sure someone else who suffers from depression themselves will better be able to explain how it feels to be told to just pull themselves together.

The chemical reaction is rather like someone "throwing a switch", many people suffer for no apparent external reason, which in many cases makes the impact on their lives magnified as they have no comprehension of where it came from

.

Of course even though they don't know the root cause of the depression, there will be one. There is always a reason for depression, the trick is in uncovering the underlying root cause.

I'm sure someone else who suffers from depression themselves will better be able to explain how it feels to be told to just pull themselves together.

The point is you can't talk yourself better. And to suggest that one should pull themselves together and make an effort is insulting. I spent a very long time unable to attend family social gatherings, having to pretend that everything was normal as people spoke about such trivial things as the weather and made smalltalk only amplified my feelings of severe mental, emotional and physical pain.

Of course even though they don't know the root cause of the depression, there will be one. There is always a reason for depression, the trick is in uncovering the underlying root cause.

Actually, I would disagree with this part of your post. Although true in many cases, for many other sufferers it is purely genetic or inexplicable. I have treated several clients (and my wife) for whom there has been a history of depression in their family and absolutely no other root cause whatsoever.

orangeblossom, hi again.

I think part of this thread about your son is about words and vocabulary, and we have got past that now from several different replies you've had. "Depression" is a word used in two different ways. On the one hand, there's the clinical or scientific meaning of it, and really, your son does not seem to have that. I think someone posted: yet, and that's a good point.

But the second way the word is used is the day-to-day way, in which many of us at times have said, "I'm depressed". That's mood, and we can pull out of it quickly.

My point in posting again is that I think you can trust that your son is not clinically depressed. But that doesn't mean there is no problem. You know, it might not even be a problem to him, but just to those around him. But not to him? :confused::)

So where replies have not gone yet, is in seeking a solution. Clearly that is what is needed. I don't think that can be done well over the net: it'll be between you and him, and if he, himslelf, feels there really is a problem - without being persuaded so - then he should, cliche as it sounds, get counselling. Not pills!

But over the net, we are also hearing about this second-hand, and not from him, but from you. I cannot help but wonder if your son actually feels there is a problem at all?

V