dont really know why i am writing this on here. i feel a bit of a fool actually, admitting that i could have got things so wrong 7 months ago when i made some postings on here about an ex of mine. he made me so many promises, all of which i believed. how stupid was i to believe it all. i have ruined my life, or at least it feels like it at the moment. i left my home, my boyfriend my 2 adorable cats all for 7 months of absolute heartache and pain and still i am having trouble in accepting that i cant let go with this. i feel physically sick when i think of it all.
he is mentally cruel to me all the time, well not all the time but 70% of the time. when things r good i feel amazing which i why i cant let go but its killing me inside.
a new relationship should be happy, you should enjoy spending time together, respect each other, look after each other and all the other things but that hasnt happened with us. i have given my all to him. i have been a very strict vegetarian for about 15 years now, would never even touch the stuff but for him i even cooked meat. me cooking meat, i cant believe it and yet he doesnt see how much i have given up for him. a new life in australia as well as me and my boyfriend at the time were well on the way to moving out there to start a new life together. i gave that up for him too. what has he done for me? nothing. nothing.
its 2.30 in the morning and we have had yet another row. he even expected me to apologise as as usual he 'hasnt done anything wrong'
for starters he could admit to: being a virtual alcoholic but not admitting to a problem, being out every night with his mates till late and not even telling me when he is coming home, being cold and refusing to talk to me when we have disagreements, including just putting the phone down on me and not picking up when i ring back, coming home drunk and waking me up by jumping on the bed and turning all the lights on practicaly every night, even though its normally really late and after me pleading with him not to wake me up, hurting me physically even when i tell him he is hurting me, telling me he will give up drinking and spend time with me when he is clearly lying about it. speaking to me like a piece of dirt. i could go on and on but still i have given him chance after chance. why do we do it? because we love these people. but its so difficult admitting that actually they probably dont love you at all, how can they when they treat you like that?
sorry for going on. guess i needed to get it off my chest a bit.
I know it's easy for me to say not being in your situation, but I would say: leave him!
You don't deserve this, and you don't need this man to love you. What is it you're hoping for with him, what are/were you getting from the relationship? Nothing you can't give yourself, with some support from friends and family. He is who he is and he is not going to change.
Love yourself, respect yourself, and make the right decision. It is better to not be in a relationship at all than to be in a bad one, waiting for that one day where he will make you happy. Nobody can make you happy, you need to make yourself happy.
Leave, pick up your life again, and pursue your own goals again: if you don't respect yourself and your principles, then no partner ever will either.
I wish you all the best in these difficult times!
Hi Vicki - the first thought bubble that floated out of my head as I read your OP was 'what relationship?' - I've read it three times now, and can only conclude that there is absolutely NO relationship. Pinky is right. Move on. I get the impression that this bloke won't even notice you've gone! Perhaps some independance would do you good for a few months, and give you time to evaluate your life - how about seeking help with something like EFT?
Vikki,
in my younger years I put myself through a lot of heartache and pain with relationships and spent many an unhappy year wondering why I did. I kept wondering how I could improve my relationship and make things better.What I could do to make them love me!How I could stop them drinking!
The one thing I was not getting was that I had to start with me first and learn to like myself as well as get my confidence levels back.I chose to let these things happen to me and had to admit to that - which was hard.
There are so many reasons why we put ourselves through these trauma's but coming out of the other side can be done.
I hope for your sake you get rid of your boyfriend.You cannot change him - only he can and he is making you very unhappy because he is miserable which men with drink problems often do.
Reading Louise Hay's book 'You can heal your life ' helped me look at what I was doing and why.She has helped so many people work on themselves and their self worth.
I wish you a very bright and happy future but you have to take the first step and believe you are a beautiful person and deserve to be treated well.
I will be marrying a very loving,strong,supportive man this July.I have got my fairytale ending and you can to.Trust in this.
Sending you love and light.
Be strong and be the person you deserve to be.
Hi vicki,
IMO, people give those who treat them badly umpteen chances because: they fear being alone/the unknown, there is a emotional or physical dependency that keeps them tied and still see the good in the person and keep holding on.
I've been in a couple of emotionally abusive relationships, and held on for the above reasons despite hearing alarm bells going off which grew louder and louder! Eventually, there came a time where those bells turned into a harsh life lesson, and it was only when that happened did i finally pay heed.
To me, your post has alarm bells sounding off left, right and centre, where i agree with pinky 1976 and Jabba The Hut -walk away now as things will either remain unchanged or just get worse.
warmest wishes- calla lily x
Hi Vicki
Huge huuuugs
In addition to what been said before i felt from your post that you are putting a lot of emphasis on what you feel you lost by entering into this relationship. So maybe you are hanging in there so that giving that up wasn't a waste? Does that make sense?
If this is so I think its important that you assess your situation as it is NOW. Not was as it was before, not looking at what you have lost, but your situation now and how it feels. Make your decision based on present circumstances rather than regret.
I'm not sure that i am communicating this well at all! But I hope you get the jist of it.
With love and support in finding a resolution
Sunbeamx
Hi Vicky,
The fact that you have sat down and written - could mean you are ready to move on. You have worken up to what he is like - but it could take a long time to break away from him!
No-one deserves to be treated like that - I went through it many years ago and I kept going back, becuase I thought I could help him...
I then went into another relationship this wasn't as violent but I was verbally abused.
A friend of mine has been through a similar thing - per ex had an affair, he put it down to the hosue they lived in was one she shared with her ex - she moved costing a fortune - he had another affair blah blah blah - it turns out to be her fault - he has smashed all her belongings and beaten her up - we went out for a drink the other night and he was texting her all night telling her he loved her and she was special - it is mental blackmail - I spoke to her the other day and she was so down...
Love youself - You will get there, but don't be too hard on yourself! Learn from you mistakes and move on
Good luck and virtual hugs
Liz
Hello Vicki
This man sounds so awful, and I have to applaud you on getting it all out, as Bluefloppy says!
The only issue that I'm struggling to comprehend is mentioned on another thread of yours - is it this man that is putting pressure on you to consider having children? Because it would be a very sad state of affairs if you brought a child into this psychological warzone!
There is a man out there that will be everything you've ever wanted - and more -, and he will respect you for who you are, and consider others as well as himself (no more "she started it, miss").
I wish you all the strength in the world with whichever path you choose, and it'd be good for you to remember that there are some good people on HP that will give you the moral support that you'll need - just ask!
Love and plenty of light,
Sarah x
thankyou for all your responses. no i am not still with him for what i have given up. what i meant by that is that i have changed my life so much for him, but he wont change even a little bit for me, nor even really acknowledge the changes in my life because i love him.
bluefloppy. he does the same, i get thousands of i love yous all the time, even more sorrys but after a while they just dont mean anything do they.
gorseflower - yes it is the same man and do u know i almost even considered it. what a fool i would have been. that is the thing, he said he wants to marry me, that we should have stayed together 19 years ago and he loved me more than anyone etc etc but as they say actions speak louder than words.
jabba was right, what relationship? i have been kidding myself for months now. i love him more than i have loved any man in my life, it really was to me, a dream come true when we got back together again but that dream has turned very sour. i know what i need to do but then my strength goes and i end up calling him, or he worms his way around me again and because i love him i give him yet another and another and another chance. you know he text me this morning asking am i in a better mood today. ????? i am speechless. all it would have taken was a text to me last night to say he was going to be late (gone 1) and i would have been ok but no, and somehow its my fault! last night he even said to me i am waiting for my apology. i am not saying i am perfect by any stretch, i have lots of faults but i know what they are and i am trying desparately to work on them but last night i was not at fault and he will be waiting a long time for an apology from me for his selfish behaviour.
if i had one wish it would be for us to live happily but i know i have to be realistic. i know this is not right how he treats me. if any of my friends were in this situation i know what i would say to them. i just have to be stronger and let him go.
because i love him
How can you possibly love someone who treats you like this?
Love is not a word, it's an action.
Myarka.
With some important dates, like the date of beginning of the present
situation, it's possible to arrange an acupuncture "for the moment of time", which works like any emotion relief/mental regression but doesn't require mental efforts or tough desisions.
The sheme is like this:
https://www.healthypages.co.uk/forum/showpost.php?p=568804&postcount=8
Vicki,
My thoughts are with you.
Leaving is a difficult decision, but try a simple future-progression exercise (opposite to past-life-regression) - what do you see realistically in the future for you as a couple, or for you if you left now?
You are a forgiving person but sometimes yourself has to come first.
Best wishes.
You are worth so much more than this!!!
Please can I recommend a couple of books: 'Women Who Love Too Much' by Robyn Norwood, and 'Men Who Hate Women and The Women Who Love Them' by Susan Forward.
These books have helped give many women the courage to move on from a destructive relationship.
And when you may not be feeling so strong - look back at all these posts in response to your message.
It may seem like a mammoth task to get through this, but just keep going. The experience of getting through this will make you indestructible.
Good luck. xxxxxx
Just pack up and get out, he will never change, he doesnt know how to or even want to.
You can love more than one person, you know life is so short and why spend it with someone that makes you unhappy.
Go of to Australia, search for some fun, who knows maybe the love of your life awaits you there.
Every minute wasted is a minute you will look back on and wonder why!