RE: Can someone talk to me about this please.
Both of you thankyou!!!
It hurst me to think that my girlfriend may be doing this to cause me pain or hurt.
it may be possible on some level.
It is deffinately about power.
But why would she spend time helping me out, buying me stuff, sharing, lending, interest in my work & hobbys with support and help.....
And also basicaly get along great.
I know she is somewhat fair weathered....
But if i contact her at a higher level when i really need her support she seems to be able to put the arguments aside.
I have had more talks today with her, and all was well....until back onto that amstardam subject. apparantly she has changed flight days.
Not that i would have turned up there uninvited anyways. that would indeed be senseless and id look a fool in amstardam playing a stalker role. or something like that.
How can she hug me so much when i do nive things..then be so mean horrid and exclude me after we split up... on her terms and i miss out on stuff that are important to me sometimes only by a day or week?
i try to figure out if its planned in some way... if she does it to "time me out". but ive rationalised it an in fact it does seem unfortunate the timing of our arguments. and i find mysef to blame for that timing.
after an arguments... shure we can see that if its a good night.. she would be risking another argument mabe asking me there...
But that causes further arguments.
Tonight she just didnt want to talk about it. avoided it.
until i rationalised what shw was saying back to her.
then she just told me that this is all because i made a big deal out of the whole thing. if i hadnt have.. i could have gone there.
But its her who makes a big deal by objecting. i think if she really would have wanted me there... there wouldnt have been and deal on eather side big or small. its crazy.
then she says i want my own way that is all. when she is adamantly wanting her own wat too. very hippocritical!!
anyways i was texting and my anger just turned into emotion and i ended up sending her some poems. they were very positive. i dont know where they came from.... they just came out....
In the poems i was asking for her higher self... to help us be happy... telling her she had the power and our relationship was in her hands... i asked her to help us both.. to make things right.....
Love eachother... ect, ect...
So no reply as yet.
My gut feeling tells me that in regards to her sister....
it used to be just a sister-sister trip to amasterdam.
my lady wasnt really enthusiastic about me going anyways...
and i guess i accepted a sister sister thing for it.
I dont thin her sister wanted me to go anyways back then.. she would be without boyfriend.
but my girlfriend doesnt seem as bothered when im not there.. she can go out without me.
But as soon as her sister got this boyfriend.. he is there in a click.
I actualy think that my girlfriend might not have been too happy about this, but cares about her sistter and didnt want to say "he cant come" in fact she wouldnt dream of it.
so..... her sis and boyfriend dont invite me "its then who booked it".
and its conviniently booked just before we are proper back together... though theres never any "official" time.. which irritates me with the timing of these things.
well..i say that but sometimes she does ask me if we are back together....
My girlfriend is a nice girl dont get me wrong.
anyways...
i just think her sis and boyfriend were and are inconsiderate and sly.
i dont think my girlfriend is as much to blame really....
But the negative vibes seem to have a hold.
When we are together without any interferance..we have arguments yes...... but those things are and have been easily fixable. repairable.
I think without the sister influence..... our relationship would have a good chance.... less than half the arguments and would be a lot more normal and make me feel that this is how it should be....
yes arguments now and again..... but the norm
RE: Can someone talk to me about this please.
She has gone.
We talked just before.
id like advise on what to do now.
I dont know if to call it off and get used to the idea of looking for someone else..
or to give her another chance, or give us another chance.
i was really upset & told her.
she seems to always put her feelings/life first if ever in conflict with my feelings.
even if she is a good girlfriend and supportive in other areas..
is this a reason to call it off for real this time, and move on?
should i keep her as a friend?
should i have accepted her descision and not been bothered about it?
is a relationship worth keeping if one person always has to bend?
she always seems to change, but its always next time. never when it counts at "the" time.
there are some things i want to do and she adamantly will never do them... like going to the solstice at stonehenge. even on my birthday.
she wont travel far. unless a holiday.
but will make effort if going with, or to visit friends.
again.. i need to know if this relationship is a worthwhile one.
is there any way at all to weigh up the good vs bad aspects and make a descision?
should i write up a list and try to assess it that way?
and also write down what changes i would like to see?
mabe get her to write one as well?
i need to be stronger. more serious and when we have time apart really be adamant we will not get back if she doesnt change.
thats how she does it with me.
but she seems carefree when i try to be firm with her.. she carries on as if she isnt bothered if we split, and we can be friends.. she now has started being supportive even, and sending hugs though.
But i feel that actions speak louder than words.
and she is more concerned about her
i feel the things i miss out on are always rare events.. and once they pass thats it.... thry are not things that can be replaced..like behaviour for example.
she may change in the future, but its costing what would be events that are important to me.
she never misses anything thats important to her.
i need guidance even if its to learn that im making all the mistakes and are out of line.
Se says I should change my flight to march and she says she doesnt want me to go there when its her friends birthday, she prefers us to go another time when its not an occasion so for me to get used to the place.
but i want to go to this party weekend & meet everyone.
sigh.
please .
what should i do?
RE: Can someone talk to me about this please.
Hi geminisoul
I'm really sorry to hear this.
I have read through all your posts again and it is clear that not only are you not really happy with how this relationship is, it is having a negative effect on your happiness and emotional wellbeing. I know its very difficult to make the decision to end something you think might have the potential to be a successful relationship but as you said, how do you know when it is a worthwhile relationship.
Well, from what you have said, it seems that you are doing most of the accommodating in this relationship so there is an imbalance which, I can say from previous experience, isn't a good sign.
Also, the pattern of splitting up, getting back together, splitting up again is not good for either of you as there isn't the opportunity to build up confidence in your relationship or in where you stand with each other.
If you are still unsure, you could take a good honest look at how you feel overall in this relationship, as it stands now. If you find you are thinking a lot in terms of 'if only', then you aren't seeing it as it really is, you are looking at an illusion of what you would like it to be.
If you decide that its better for your own wellbeing not to be in this relationship, be brave and stick to it. You might be tempted into the old destructive pattern because it is familiar, but resist this otherwise you will find you are still going through all this for years to come, and you will have missed out on the chance of meeting someone who would value your company, love and caring much more than your girlfriend does.
As for keeping her as a friend, only you can decide really. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. You could try it and then decide it doesn't work for you or you might feel very comfortable in a friendship with her.
Above all, remember that you are responsible for your own happiness and the choices you make for yourself. Don't give that responsibility to someone else. Good luck.
Sandra
x
RE: Can someone talk to me about this please.
Thankyou.
Can you understand my need to get this out and talk about it?
i hope so. because its really hurting right now.
thankyou to everyone whos replied. it means a lot to me.
Im so angry and frustrated too.
I feel like she is using the mars venus stuff now to aviod the arguing but not solve the issue or resolve it.
and telling me not to go on about it was to just make things easy for her, and buy her some time.
she says im clingy when out with her!!!
that is absolutely not true!!! we both equaly enjoy hugs and holding hands. she is the most affectionate girl ive met.
when we go drinking i usualy just stand and talk, talk to other people or dance.
i do act sexy to her, like wink, pinch her bum ect.... but that is never all the time, and only to be sexy, and she seems to like it and respond well.
i just think she had an issue with a boyfriend being at this amaterdam thing altogether and she has made excuses.
she IS changing for the better, im not deluding myself.
she just even agreed to come to the stonehenge thing.
but what i need is not hugs, i needed to be accepted to the weekend thing.
she wasnt prepared to allow that.
what do you think this amstardam thing means to her?
her own friends never seem to want to stay out and party. so i can understand the people and friends in amstardam are different and kind of exciting.
she knows we rarely go out drinking and clubbing, and this is the best example of it. so why do you think she doesnt really want me there?
we never have any problems when we do go out together.
so why is this different?
Again, i dont think shes cheating on me, she only goes 2 times a year anyways.
but am i an embarrasment? im chilled out. & i can perfectly talk to new people fine. and dance good too. i dont need to be around her all the time at all.
do you think she needs some space to flirt and chat with guys and girls & let her hair down? and have no worries?
if so it not fair that her sisters boyfriend should be invited, or at least its humiliating me, when ours is supposed to be the serious relationship and the longest.
I just remember everything she does for me and i cant understand why she acts this way about the amsterdam people.
I know they are all about 30, but her sisters boyfriend is 18.
and he never dances anyways. i feel like i would appreciate the weekend a lot more and im being exclued and given excuses for something that i should be really in my element at.
not a hassle.
i think im going to have to go to the counciling at college. they give free counciling for things like relationships ect, ect.
do you think this is a good idea, and they will be able to support me and help me?
ive never been the one to end a relationship, and i feel weak for that.
though ive grown and learned and changed, i still cant let go.
i give the other person all the power, even tjough i have changed the usual balance a lot, and am very relaxed and grown up.....
once i get attached to someone i just dont want to loose them.
and this time we have a lot more in common and are a lot closer friends than ive ever been with anyone in my whole life.
that is why it hurts me so much when she does this to me.
I would give the world for her.
and she is concerned more about her image in amsterdam.
im going to go see about what the counciling offer on monday.
i do feel that i need help and support.
again, i cant thank you enough for your time and patience on this.
love.
gemini.
RE: Can someone talk to me about this please.
Hi! I think your girlfriend is pig-in-the-middle and I feel very sorry for her.
Perhaps she has always been this way and I think it's quite possible that her sister was partially responsible for the break-up of your girlfriends' marriage - especially if the poor girl was pig-in-the-middle there, too.
Sometimes, people seem to be drawn to stronger minded others who like to control - even if the controller doesn't recognise that trait in themself.
Forgive me, but my sister is a Gemini and a more loving, giving person you couldn't wish to meet - until someone doesn't do exactly as she wants - she doesn't scream, shout etc., but is completely baffled as to why that person won't play by her rules and, indeed, is hurt by it! Much as you seem to be.
Maybe your girlfriends' sister has been putting the screws on as well and your girlfriend is trying to appease everybody? After all, by comparison to family ties, your relationship is pretty tenuous?
I think here is where you step back - it's a few days out of how many? If you carry on like this you are only going to make both of you more miserable and screwed up. Relationships are not about control. If you think her sister is a control-freak, ask yourself if you really want to be like her?
I would agree that you (both) need to seek counselling/therapy - even if you don't continue with the relationship you both have - whilst you move forwards.
Hope this doesn't p**s you off too much.
Love Glenys
RE: Can someone talk to me about this please.
garthur,
your reply is welcomed, not shunned at all.
Thankyou for it.
you are right. she does feel like pig in the middle a bit.
mabe we need to continue to work at it, even if we dont end up together. mabe she needs these issues dealt with once and for all, no matter who her future partner is.
And i need to be more understanding too.
dont get me wrong.. i fight myself inside to realise that what seems rational and normal way to do things is not always how other see it, and also emotions can make us want to do things differently too.
its not our fault we seem to argue just before these important events.
ive already said that i accept that responsibility myself.
and the timing is bad luck.
but her sister need to realise that she has supposedly got this boyfriend so to give her a bit of distance from my girlfriend and our relationship.
not pull my girlfriend into her relationship and friends!
she keeps inviting my girlfriend out with them, and interupting our time together, when she is supposed to have her own boyfriend now, so she can give us time together.
I know that i was a bit nervouse about going to the dam.
and mabe when i was talking to her about wondering whether to go or not...
that made her nervouse too! and a bit reluctant.
i dont think she thought i really wanted to go when they booked it..
and my descision was a late development... especialy after i heard he was going too.
i could have handled the situation better, from the start mabe.
but why should i always have fault.
she should be able to understand why im feeling a certain way, and me to her too.
and still hold the openess to change her mind and acceptance through our discussions. not discuss while being closed off to it.
I know when i did mention first that she was suprised but said "really?" you want to go"? - with some optimism if not suprise in her voice.
from that point i should have just been very open and just told her how i felt, not been if, and butt and questioning about it.
shes showing commitment and love by offering for me to go in march, and also by saying she will go to the henge thing.
i know she loves me and cares, but we need to set out what is important to eachother in this relationship, and why.
also we need to prove to eachother we are going to change, by changing, not by just saying it.
actualy the sister thing has improved a hell of a lot since the beginning, as has me going out with her friends over here.
at first she was new to it as her ex, was not into that at all.
I enjoy her friends company, and also there is a lot of family gathering occasions that i like.
i just hope that she can be enthusiastic about doing stuff i like/want to go too.
she has a buisy job, works sundays some, and her weekend time is split to shopping with the girls, and me.
there has been some conflict over this.. but it has gone my way a lot in the last 6 months to where it was a better balance.
a bad thing was i lost my driving licence...so that put pressure on her to drive a lot. & me catch the bus.
when we had cars, we both took turns and even fought to drive.
recently she has drove a lot, but for a while she didnt like it. and wanted me to make an effort for public transport, which i did and do.
I even catch the bus to meet her in town, help her with the shopping at lidle, just to come back up to my house again. but i enjoy it.
still she has a lot of family and friend events that come first a lot.
she say i need more friends...
but if i did.... im finding it hard to belive that she would come out with me any my friends and it would make the situation harder or else give her some new prioritys to deal with. mabe thats what she needs?
her husband didnt do much, so shes been used to full commitment to her own friends, family and plans with no hint of anything else in her life.
I do need more friends and now im at college ive got a few.....
but if our family had a lotof occasions
RE: Can someone talk to me about this please.
Maybe she's just a bit frightened of making another commitment at this time and wants to keep her options open?
If it helps, I have some idea of how you feel. My husband is much more of a "freespirit" than I am. He likes to socialise, etc. I, on the other hand, don't as much. I prefer family things and time with close friends.
My first husband had a personality disorder and I never knew what to expect when we went out together. He was also an alcoholic so it just got to the stage where I didn't go out with him. I had my own time.
I think I have some residual "fear" about all that even now. I avoid situations where I may have to mix with my (now) husbands' friends. One part of that is because they are friends from the time of his first marriage and not friends of "ours".
I remember, once, quite early in our "live-in" relationship when he had been invited to go to see his sister's ex-husband and do some work there for a few days. The invitation did not extend to me.....My god, we fought the peace out for a few weeks! He still went so I beggared off to my nephew's for a couple of days and ended up having quite a good time. Interestingly, his lordship was quite concerned about my welfare.....it was him calling me not me calling him. If you take my drift?
When I look back I realize that it wasn't that I particularly wanted to go with him but that I didn't want him to go.....I suppose I felt insecure and threatened because it was a part of his life I didn't know. Also, I was hurt and insulted by not being included.
Why am I going with this self-disclosure? I suppose, to let you know that I do empathise with your situation. There's only the two of you that can sort this.
Perhaps, when she goes to 'Dam you could get away for a couple of days too? Preferably not to Holland!! Could you stay at an old friend's house or have a couple of days somewhere warm? It may be all that's needed.
Good luck with it, anyway. Hope it all works out
Love
Glenys
RE: Can someone talk to me about this please.
Thanks glenys.
I can understand & I feel for your past situation too.
She has texted me and said that she will be back in no time & not to worry.
and the fact she said i could go in march is being optimistic, and open.
as well as her agreeing to go to the henge with me.
my girlfriend as i said works long hours, and weekends a lot too.
her girly mates arent really late night party people either.
so i think when she met these people in amstardam..it was people her age still having a laugh at 30 something, as if they were 20 something.
I think this appealed to her, as well as the laid back vibe there and talking to, meeting people in the cafe bars.
apparently over the people talk and go back to eachothers houses and there is much less focus or desires for "copping off" with eachother.
its much more socialy orientated.
She must like it.
& think that she was worried me being there might have put people off talking to her as much or something.
put really i went out this weekend myself, met a few aquaintances, talked to girls, ect, ect.... and had fun. I can talk to people fine.
I just think that she may have allowed me to go if i hadnt argued about it as much and contacted her more on her higher self to get through.
which is the best way when communicating.
what bothers me is that is was her friends birthday and i was invited.
now was my girlfriends priority her friends birthday and her friends having fun and people there? or was her priority herself and her own feelings in this? which it seemed to be.
Anyways.
she will be back tuesday.
we have a lot to discuss if this relationship is to continue.
there needs now to be changes on her part if it is to continue.
I feel attractive and a good person. and when i go out, now im older i can get talking to all the people and also girls i knew before i grew up a lot and changed.
they seem enthusiastic to talk to me, & im not afraid that if i loose her i will be alone.
but if i do move on, i now know that i must get to really know a woman before entering into a relationship.
I know what im looking for now.
when we are younger we just want a partner. sometimes we are sad if a girl just wants to be our friend only.
Now i realise that that is the "most important part of it all!"
there are many, many attractive people out there.
and i strongly feel that really getting on with someone, feeling fairness, appreciation, and enthusiasm can enhance the mutual feelings and attraction between 2 people just as much as sharing interests and passtimes.
im feeling brave and even if this relationship doesnt go anywhere....
Ive now learned what im looking for in the "right" relationship.
thankyou for your help.
all of you.
gemini. (hugs)
RE: Can someone talk to me about this please.
This is to geminisoul.How do you get the energy to write all that.By the time I get to the end of your story I forget what I read at the very biginning,you have left me wondering a bit.
RE: Can someone talk to me about this please.
Huh?
I just say how i feel.
(shrug).
Appologies if it was any inconvenience for you to have to read it all through. I dont mean to make it hard. I just am expressing my true feelings and thought on the matter.
We are supposed to be truthfull and communicate. its all about communication.
I dont really feel like im using any energy or anything.
What I really need right now are friends. Friends who I can go places and do stuff with. So to take the pressure from her having to accomodate for me all the time.
Anyways.
I really best stop now this thread is already too long.
Again
Sending prayers out for everyone.
Xxx
RE: Can someone talk to me about this please.
Gem, never stop communicating! Even if it's only with yourself! Talking things out helps put them into perspective, as you know. Talking about things to someone you don't know can help in objectivity.
Keep on going!!
Love
Glen
RE: Can someone talk to me about this please.
Thanks. 🙂
(bowing)
got an appointemrnt to see college councilor on monday, because its effecting my college work. the guy i talked to was cool too. the actual councilor is a nice woman.. i hope she can help.
told my lady just how i feel via text todat. shes still there. wasnt happy. i dont think she can deal with the bad feelings she has.
and turns it into anger towards me.
anyways met a really nice girl at college. we are friends now.
its good to have friends i makes me happy at sad times even.
I also met a girl online the other day who strangely lives down the road.
she phoned me too. i think we will be friends. we are meeting this week.
right now i need all the friends i can get and it is happening!!
the i ching is bang on its no coincidence or wording.
the universe can hear us and we might not always know how it will answer our prayers..but it does in the best way it can.. and if we prey and are open and optimistic and patient... miracles happen!!
they do, and i dont know how but the world, the planet is alive and if we ask for help, a miracle, or some other wonder...... it does its best to make it happen as best it can in its own mysterious ways!!!
you know it!
Hurray to healthypages!!!
And hurray to the lifeforce!
RE: Can someone talk to me about this please.
Hi Geminisoul
Glad to read that you are feeling much more positive, I think the key here is as you have mentioned friends,
all this splitting up and getting back together will do you no good,
I think that if you split up in the first months you can't be friends ( this doesn't mean you have to be at war ) , i think that you should have an emotional / physical distance until your wounds from the relationship are healed, it gives you a time to reflect.
Could it be that you are unhappy in other areas of your life, your girlfriend can not fill all the shoes, you seem to be making the right steps with college and new friendships.
I hope when your girlfriend returns you can make a go at it, but take it one step at a time, heal yourself, grow your confidence so that you know what behaviour you want from your lady.
Love, Luck and Happiness to you
SaffronXX