Can someone talk to me about this please.

RE: Can someone talk to me about this please.

Hmmm.

Reading that all back, its not as clear to read as I thought it was when I was writing it.

.....

Basicay me and my girlfriend still have lots of attraction.
Are great friends.

Go out of our way foreachother if we can (sometimes arue but mostly related to organization of things, principal and fair treatment, comparisons, exclusion of things i want to do)

Share, do special little things....

The problem is that rationaly sometimes the way things go or are organzied, and what we do (mostly if its regarding her sis, sis boyfriend or friends) I find very riddiculing and taking the mickey in a big way.

Sometimes it appears evil, unfair or not right to me. And im upset.
I seem to have to debate/ "prove" even, that ive been wronged or they are being unfair.

Shure, afterwards I look back sometimes and was making wrong judgement, or myself had been overreacting....

But other times I really think that she/they .... I guess she.
Just does stuff that is "not right" or out of line.

Say for example....
We have an argument....

They go somewhere and dont invite me.
That pisses me off.

When its a serious relationship, hopefully for the future and we both are in agreement and feel the same way.

Is this just regular "domestic" stuff??

I would never not include her in stuff... And the only thing that pisses me off is that her doing it..Makes me angry, and less attracted to her....
Not want to be her friend.

I feel that she has a set of rules for her and another for me.

Shure I guess I piss her off sometimes and dont know it, or realize..
But all thats changed....

Im so much less the moaner and more theal man and have proved it!!!

Its not me now who is doing the mood, arguing. Its her.

Mabe shes scared that its really "her" who might argue with "me" on holiday.??

Anyways... Her sisters boyfriend is really smug that I wasnt going....
And that pisses me of even more.

Shure... Its between me and her.
And circumstance, timing and stuff yes.

But the fact that he is going and they are going to party and im not.......

Grrr!!!

How/why did i treat her so nice and polite and friendly and make effort when she just makes me feel a fool and a mockery.

I feel that her sis and boyfriend are finding it funny.

.

Thats that off my chest.

Someone!! I need some imput!!
[:@]

RE: Can someone talk to me about this please.

Hmm when I read this through I was rathewr amazed on all the energy that was going back wards and forwards between you two, There does not seem to be a real foundation here, to bease your relationship on.

Does it really matter if you go or not?
I mean it seems she does not want you to go , and has basically told you as much by shouting at you on the phone.

There is a lot of communication problems, sure there is sex between you two, but is that really enough?
Fair enough that you have grown up and you have developed upon your life path , thats fantastic. I am getting so many doubts here within and around this relationship

I do not think its just me if I say you have one foot in the relationship and another in the water, like you do not know what to do, how to go about it, and which way is best.

My personal opinion is that she needs to look at her own life and sort her own issues out because I am being told she leans on you too much and used you as her punching bag.

Alas you are a gemini and gemini`s are known to have split personalities, I am not being offensive I am merely stating facts.
She should welcome you to any where she goes to, true a woman likes her peace and time to herself, but to say no to you going to places like that with her is a bit extreem.

You really need to take some time out, consider, ponder meditate on what is rite for YOU

Let me know how it goes
Love
Ithar:)

RE: Can someone talk to me about this please.

Thanks for the reply Ithar.

I guess i am giving muddled vibes out in that reply. What you say is true about she should want me to go out in that situation where everyone elses partners are going too.

i dont mind her being alone, spending time with friends whatever if thats what the occasion is..... different to this issue.

We really do get on and put a lot of caring and time together.

im one foot in and one out sometimes because she does irrational things... like this,

And i think.... do i want a partner who does this?

but between these occasion when that arises everything is perfect... we are great together.

i think it has been a matter of tuning and tweaking a few aspects of ourselves..... the parts that dont agree on things...

weve both seemed to adapt... not without arguments and some pain...
but those things were always in minority to the good things.

its just they seem to stand out.

the reason im one foot in and one out is not because i dont like/love her, but because i now feel - in life that, if someone loves and wasnts to be with me and treats me right.....
thats great.

if not..why am i with them.

it does seem to be a fair-weather relationship somewhat...

the summer is great but the winters harsh.

really we do communicate very well.

but there are just some things that even after communicating well.. we still disagree upon.

that doesnt stop us liking eachother, or getting along, or anything at all.

it just pisses us of.

seems like the old..

if i cant play im taking my bat & ball home....
(old saying where if there was a group of friends playing cricket, and there were any arguments say... and one boy left he took his ball home and the rest of the guys were left with just a bat)

i guess we are just still really childish inside when it cmes to our relationship, even if our personas have grown up.

Thanks for talking about this some.

its helping.
🙂

RE: Can someone talk to me about this please.

Hi Geminisoul

I agree with what Ithar has said. It sounds as though your girlfriend has some issues that she needs to sort out. I get the impression that she changes when she is with her sister.

Also the fact that she doesn't want you to go to Amsterdam with her - I can understand that you would feel excluded. I don't understand why she has given lots of different reasons for not wanting you to go with her and it would be better if she could just be completely honest with you. You both seem to like each other and have a lot of affection for each other, but the problem seems to come down to honest communication, which isn't always easy to do.

Sandra
x

RE: Can someone talk to me about this please.

i'm wondering what you want. why would you want to go where you are not invited? you give the strong impression that you had been 'being good' & expected some kind of reward, perhaps even against your natural instinct, so are you being true to yourself? are you desperate to hold onto this relationship? has it ever withstood external pressures? is it real?

my heart goes out to you.

RE: Can someone talk to me about this please.

sebenny Is is a very good reply. I am feeling you understand a lot here.

Also the fact that she doesn't want you to go to Amsterdam with her - I can understand that you would feel excluded. I don't understand why she has given lots of different reasons for not wanting you to go with her and it would be better if she could just be completely honest with you. You both seem to like each other and have a lot of affection for each other, but the problem seems to come down to honest communication, which isn't always easy to do.

Thats it I do feel very excluded & humiliated.
Really there is absolutely no reason why I shoulnt be going.

She says.....

"if you werent making a big deal out of it mabe you could come"
Then its
"we will argue thats why.. and jeopardize our relationship" (mabe spoil the weekend for her?)
Then its
"Its too late to book now" (I proved that wasnt true)
Than its
"you just want your own way"

I feel her excuses beat around the bush, and are childish.
they have no ground.
I know this because they fall away when really questioned.. like lies.
They are not lies but really unjust statements....

Actualy its a bit like that book mentioned in a thread in another section of this forum... "force Vs Power". That book says that a truth is more powerfull than a false thing. A false thing doesnt have to be a "lie", but it can be an excuse or a poor statement.

I dont think she can be completely honest with herself, never mind me - ""when it comes to these feelings she seems to have about certain things"".

It seems that sometimes when im in a clear thinking state of being and calm.. sometimes we can be talking about an issue, and.......
It feels like a game.

I seem to have to be "able" to communicate clearly and outright ""crystal clear"" to her that she is being irrational, unfair and has no grounds for her behaviour..

"Then" is seems "something clicks". and she may, for one example

realise and look very sheepish... give an embarrased smile.... And I get the impression she feels "boy you got me" you "caught me out there".

What does this mean?

Does this mean she really cant see herself untill I have to work hard to "prove" these things?

Or do you think she kind of knows shes wrong at some level and wont admit it to herself or to me?

Yesterday for example..... Through the talks there "was" some element of humour. She does stick her tongue out like a kid... some kind of embarrased response to our discussions.

But what is that? How can she act friendly, then do the humour or guilt whatever element.... Then at the same time be firmly and argumentative about the actual issue when it comes down to it?

When im angry she acts as if everything will pass by and be ok afterwards, trys to acts as if theres no problem or its not important (but I miss out on the event or what we arguing about)

When she is angry with me I have to adhere to her wishes or its over.

We alway get back together, but until recently I was always running back after her.
Now I feel stronger inside and they there are other women out there.

I value this relationship & her, but These things are spoiling an otherwise perfect relationship.

She herself says that "technicaly" there should be no reasons we argue as we are perfectly matched".

Also sandra,

Its not that she "changes" when she is with her sister....

I feel more that she dare not, or wont ever "argue" with her sis.
Even if her sis has pissed her off.. she wont make a big deal about it.

And yes i do feel some of that gets taken out on our relationship/me as an outlet.

But she doesnt want to let her sis down.

I know that her sis is a lot more selfish then my girlfriend, and less thoughtfull.

My girlfriend also admits she feels "in the middle" sometimes and its stressfull.
So im a little bit of truth was in ithors reply about me being a punchbag sometimes. But not straight out. Just a slight element of that in there on

RE: Can someone talk to me about this please.

Hi geminisoul

Reading through your post it does look as though your girlfriend does her best to avoid what she sees as any sort of confrontation (particularly with her sister). Perhaps she has had very negative experiences in this area in the past and just doesn't know how to deal with it. This might also explain why she doesn't seem to handle any serious discussions you have in a mature manner and the problem could go back to when she was growing up or from her marriage before. There is some reason why she is fearful about this.

She seems to be quite insecure in this respect. With you she has a chance to learn to trust that honest communication can help to make the relationship even better. It wouldn't surprise me if she has never had a positive experience of problem solving in her relationships with people.

If this is the case, you could try talking to her specifically about that area of her life and see if anything crops up that you feel you could help her with. You have been very understanding and kind and obviously want to keep the relationship and she seems to want that too, but maybe she just needs a bit of help with trust issues. Hope this helps.

Sandra
x

RE: Can someone talk to me about this please.

Thankyou sandra.
Your replys are making me feel better, because this discussion is releasing the worry and helping get to the root of the problem.

I think you may have a very valid point.
And i think it would benefit us both to try and discuss what you sugggest.

The only problem now is that she isnt speaking to me as from yesterday.
ive tried to ring her today.

i used to value the fact she would always be open after an argument.. but that has closed some nowadays.

What i feel is that if she is in the wrong and im pissed off.. she tries to play cool, or kind of ignores the problem, mabe thinks it will go away..
she keeps friendly and works around my not ringing her, ect, by acting all nice and as if notging wrong..
if i want to end it its ok with her.
playing it cool.

when its her who is angry...
everything goes out the window... all the rules. the ones she/we set.

she says we should talk about stuff, even bought me the venus mars book and has one herself....(though ive read heaps of that kind of thing already)
we can talk through things usualy. very well.

its just when i upset her.... she seems to be vengefull, or else harsh.

but we always get back together, just seems harder these days.

its flipped over this week..i was ready to finish her if she went without me.... i was angry but restrained.

now its her who doesnt want to talk to me again.

sigh.

I will have to wait and see if she wants to talk in a few days....
then im open to try your suggestion.

Thankyou. i really appreciate the help.
[sm=hug.gif]

RE: Can someone talk to me about this please.

Hi geminisoul

One other thing that has crossed my mind regarding the way your girlfriend reacts when she is angry and when you are upset with her, is that maybe this is the only way she knows. If she hasn't known any other way of conducting a relationship then this behaviour is familiar and 'normal' to her. If this is true its not her fault its just what she has learned in the past.

If she can learn a different way of dealing with her own emotions, handling the emotional side of relationships and also confront her fears, it would improve things a lot. At the moment when she is angry or upset the only way she knows is to go off for a few days and not talk to you. When you are upset with her she tries to pretend it isn't happening. Either way she is using avoidance tactics, probably because she doesn't feel brave enough to face it and sort it out. I hope that she comes round soon so that you can talk to her again. Good luck.

Sandra
x

RE: Can someone talk to me about this please.

I think you could be very much on target with all of this...

Im rrealy enthusiastic to try it.

My only wonder about it is if this is so..why was it different when we first started going out?

And why has some things "improved" while others have got worse?

Im think now that after her 7 or so year long marriage.... and calling it "off". was a big step.

Now mabe she is much less scared of "finalitys" and is unfortunately throwing it around a big too much like a loaded gun??

using it as a weapon?? then expecting she can just come back to me when she feels like it?

I cant live like that. Not knowing whats going to happen next. I need to know if we are together or not and not "when she feels like it".

Because if thats so...We seem "together" when its convenient for her.

And "apart" when she doesnt want me to go anywhere/somewhere with her.

..If I do want to go.... its obvious there will be an argument....
And as it is... she will just finish me.

I wont go.

Then we get back together.

That is manipulation yes? as well as avoiding confronyation & unwillingness to change.

The ironic thing is that she has the cheek to say stuff like "im trying to get my own way".

When she is blatantly doing it herself.

This is weierd when she buys us the venus/mars book.

Mabe inside she really is trying??
Mabe she felt shame for having to read the book..so bought me one too so it was more like "we were doing it together" for her.
& not her feeling that only she is at fault.

I do afmit I could handle things better a lot of the time.
And she can sometimes be appologetic too.

At this time my heart is not aching for a change, even if we split up.
usualy im upset.
This time i just have a real bad headache. And thats right now!!
I best get some asprin or something.

I start college tomorrow.
Im doing a patchwork quilting course and also creative sketchbooks.
So thats something to look forward to.... Meeting new people ect. Friends with similar interests...

It will be a shame if we cant sort things out. I really do like her & she supports me through my work and interests - even helps out.

I read all these posts about people not being attracted... and stuff....
But there are so many other factors in relationships.

It seems whenever we learn one thing in one relationship..

A different issue comes up in the next.

I dont want to loose her & we have always seemed clear that we want to be friends still if we break up...

But we have so many good things going.
I am really preying to god/goddesss/earth for this one..

I guess i really went for it with the confrontation by booking the flight.

I guess i not only put pressure on the situation but made it clear it needed attention!!!
yes irresponsible mabe.... but like you say.. she was avoiding the whole thing.
the loss of the £30 would be worth getting this whole thing sorted out.

i guess we all do irrational things sometimes in the heat of things.

Again thenkyou.
every reply lifts my heart and helps better define exactly what the problem is.

I know in the end only us two can sort it out.. but the feedback here is priceless and very warm.

deep thanks and respect.
gemini.

RE: Can someone talk to me about this please.

ORIGINAL: geminisoul

Im think now that after her 7 or so year long marriage.... and calling it "off". was a big step.

Now mabe she is much less scared of "finalitys" and is unfortunately throwing it around a big too much like a loaded gun??

using it as a weapon?? then expecting she can just come back to me when she feels like it?

This would have been a huge step for her and a scary one at that. Rather than her being less scared of finalities because of it, she's more likely to be anxious about getting too close to someone for fear of being hurt again. I feel you both need to take time to build up trust in the relationship, try to take things one step at a time. Her anxiety would have only kicked in once she became more fond of you that's why things were ok at the beginning. Buying the Venus & Mars books means that she does care about the relationship. I feel she might need lots of reassurances so that she can feel safe to love again.

Good luck with your college course and wishing you all the best for the future.

Sandra
x

RE: Can someone talk to me about this please.

Okay...

After all this & college recently (as well as im just starting my own little buisness) ive been rather stressed & upset.
Last night I was so upset & I just texted her and told her how much I really needed her help & support right now, aside from the argument and that I was worried & felt like crying.
(which I was)

She then said We could speak & we talked & she really did offer her support & love and friendship... This was very soothing for me.

And i know she really does care about me.
And now We are talking fine again and I told her how much I do care about her & how much I want us to be happy together.

But there is still this immediate issue too....
So we are still going to have to attend to it pretty soon.

Also Sandra, My greatest thanks goes out to you. Your last reply seemed to "click" me out of my own viewpoint & I did see and feel her view and include what you said about her situation & needing reassurance we were right for eachother & werent going to argue.

I can now see this is a valid reason why she woulnd want me to go this time, and why she says another time would be better, mabe when she is ready.

Now I would just like your advise about some feelings that were a big part of the source of my being pissed off about the situation.

Its to do with her sisters boyfriend.

And i saw him in town today on my lunchbreak. he just walked past wth his mate.
he is 18 and today dressed up in a smart suit as if he was 30, and had shades on. I feel really hurt by his expressions sometimes. I feel like he thinks its funny that i cant go, and also he does smirk sometimes when i am honest and true about my feelings openly..even though i regard it as strength.

I know he doesnt talk about problems with my ladys sister, he avoids talking about them.

I just feel 'they' have no real responsibilitys in life and that they party away and always seem to disturb my girlfriends & me's relationship.
while they dont have a serious one or else its more fun and me and my girlfriend are more serious about the future, work hard, and seem to get all the stress and disruption, when at first i was really positive about our ability to work through stuff.. because we were right together and special....
and i feel like for an anology....

Me and my girlfriend are swimming lengths in a pool working hard together.. and they are just splashing around by the side sending disruptive waves across... and my girlfriend doesnt seem to be bothered by them..
and im really trying hard to do the work with and for my girlfriend and for us because weenjoy swimming together.....

but all her sister and boyfriend do is splash.

Me and her sis have had problems before she got this "young" boyfriend & we have fluctuated between getting on and not getting on in between.

again her ex-husband blames her sister for them splitting up.
I can see why.
but my girlfriend says if she hadnt mentioned it..i wouldnt think that.
i dont thinks that true.

im younger than my girlfriend. shes just gone 34 and im 28.
her sister is 35/36 and her boyfriend is 18.

im shure she only got with him because me and my girlfriend got together.

im not shure what her sisters real feelings are.. if shes jealouse, or if she doesnt/does like me.. or what. at first she seemed to really like me... its hard to tell.

mabe after my girlfriend split with her husband they spent more sister time together & now she feels i took her away??
so thats what motivated her to go with this guy some? I dont know.

but her sis invites my lady out with "them" and rings her up to be with her when we are already doing stuff.. asks for lifts even if its going to disrupt our night/plan.

but her sister is always complaining if her plans get broken, or she wont go if its not conenient for her.

It has got a lot better in the last year.....
mabe i should say something mature and to the point to her sister and explain that her behaviour is out of order?

Anyways.... all this into acco

RE: Can someone talk to me about this please.

Hi Geminisoul

I can see the situation you are in with the sister and sister's boyfriend.

First of all I'd like to say that he is very young and immature. If he is 'gloating' about the fact you are not invited to go to Amsterdam it is more than likely due to his immaturity and if you can really try to ignore this. You have the maturity and strength to rise above it, don't lower yourself to his level and react to any of his behaviour. What he does is not nice but just remember he is very young. Even someone much older might do the same thing if they are immature (I've seen it!) Try not to get involved in your mind with his faults and foibles and don't react to any provocation you feel coming from him. Don't give him the satisfaction of thinking that his behaviour is affecting you. Let him get on with it, he is only showing himself up as an unhappy person.

The other thing I can see is that your girlfriends sister might be jealous of your relationship because she doesn't have that herself. If they don't discuss problems or work at their relationship it might suit them to have that kind of relationship but its not what you and your girlfriend want. At the same time she could be jealous that her sister has found someone like you. Sometimes when people have this kind of jealousy they might try to make it difficult for the couple wherever they can. This might be what's happening here.

I don't know if it is worth saying anything to your girlfriend's sister because she might not be very reasonable about it. Again, try to rise above it and as long as you and your girlfriend know that you are working at your relationship and making it strong and happy, then gradually other people who try to sabotage that will see their attempts aren't working and start to accept your relationship as it is.

Hope this helps.

Sandra
x

RE: Can someone talk to me about this please.

Hi Geminisoul,

I've read your posts and what Im going to say does not mean that your relationship can not last, but needs to grow, whether you grow together or grow apart nobody can answer, but don't loose hope my relationship has been through many changes and many rough patches but you grow closer, you do have to be strong though and take chances along the way as if you split the love was not real anyway so although you would be hurt, better sooner than later.

This trip to Amsterdam is all about power I think, I agree from what you have said you should have been asked, my sister would know that even if she didn't get along with my partner, if a group outing was planned he would be invited.

You Lady has demonstrated this by being cocky when questioned about why you can't go, she is enjoying your hurt and it is out of order. I think this demonstrates that she has not learnt from the mistakes of her last marriage.

She hurts you further by not reacting when you suggest splitting up, Ive learnt from many years experience that only ever say things you intend to carry out. I personally think that if you split up this should mean time apart to reflect and think, not the relationship practically as it was without the hanky panky ( remember this is only a minute part of the relationship )

Many moons ago I did a similar thing by turning up at a nightclub when my partner had told me I couldn't go, it only served to make me feel like a fool, sitting their uninvited, to this day I wish I hadn't, I should have asked him why he felt he didn't want me there, delt with it and made alternative arrangements to go out with my friends.

I agree that the sisters boyfriend is probably just immature, at 18 he will have little knowlege of the respect which is required in a relationship ( talking in general, not all 18 year olds ).

The sister presents more of a problem, but she can't interfere with your relationship unless you let her.

Your statement that your girlfriend thinks you will argue is worrying it suggests that you may not be as happy as you are saying, think about this, why would you argue on a trip away, this should be a happy time, what would cause you to argue, these things need to be addressed.

I personally would set some ground rules in the relationship, me and my husband do this all the time, it doesn't mean that we don't ever argue but sets our boundaries to what we are happy with. For example :-

I am happy for my husband to have female friends, I am happy for him to text / phone them and vise versa, I am happy for him to see them in a group setting, I start to feel uncomfortable if he see's them alone.

Somebody else's boundaries may be very different to this but these are mine and my husband is very happy to keep to them.

You need to think about when you / and your lady start to feel uncomfortable and what boundaries you can set.

I hope my words are not too harse, wishing you lots of love, luck and happiness.

SaffronXX