Today is the 18th anniversary of the death of the person closest to me in the world. It doesn't get any easier.
Last night I couldn't sleep at all, & suffered acute stress & anxiety, palpitations, sky-high blood pressure, (despite lots of medication for all the above, even + extra diazepam - nothing worked.) I felt I was dying.
No-one believes how vivid & acute these feeling are.
Panic, imagining out how he may have felt ... overwhelming loss, & guilt realising too late that I hadn't always been as patient, understanding, forgiving, supportive, cheery & wonderful to him as I should have been.
No-one will listen - changing the subject because of their own embarrassment. I realise most people are only fair-weather friends.
Even typing that hurts v badly.
After yet more propranolol, irbesartan, diazepam & paracetamol, I'm still hypertensive, head throbbing & feeling v agitated, negative, helpless, hopeless, alone. 🙁
Just please, someone kind, send some type of 'prayers' / 'vibes' / healing thoughts / whatever. I would really appreciate it.
[PS I just posted an over-excited praise of Ireland on Fleur's holiday question thread, which helped me re-focus briefly, but didn't last.]
Oh Starshower, please sit down with a cup of tea and forgive yourself for the feelings you're harbouring! Your beloved would certainly not wish to watch you suffering, over something which you had no control.
I'm sending you some positive thoughts, and a loving ball of white light to help you through your day.
I'm going to make some cakes later on to cheer myself up, and I suggest you do the same. Maybe imagine each of the ingredients you use as one of your negative emotions/feelings/symptoms, and watch them transform into something positive, something that bounces-back when you poke it, and something that you of all people deserve to enjoy!
Life is a funny old thing, and hindsight is a beautiful tool that we only find the instuctions for when it's too late. Stop dwelling on the issues in your relationship prior to his death, and think of all the amazing times - no matter how few - that outweight the niggles and the miscommunications 100 times over!
You are not alone - nobody is ever truly alone - you have a virtual community here, that I find are hail/rain/thunderstorm friends as well as all other weather phenomenon!
Love, and plenty of tea to go with the results of your transformative baking session,
Sarah xxxxxxx
Dear Starshower - I am so sorry to hear of your difficulties coping with such overwhelming feelings - sending you love and healing.
Have you had a look at EFT to help you? It brings about amazing resolution to precisely these type of problems and often very fast indeed. You can do it yourself - I'll PM you with some suggestions to tap on - and even if some of the load is reduced that should make a difference to your being able to cope. Go to www.emofree.com to download the free manual, and if you want to find a practitioner near you, look at www.aamet.org.uk - hope you feel better soon.
Love and Light
Caroline
Dear dear Starshower***
((( hugs ))) ....:hug:
Dear dear Starshower***
I send you Love.... and some more...
Love to hold you because you are you
Love for you because you are Loved
Love for you because you are Love, anyway
May Love hold you gently and be with you
Thinking of you, especially today....:hug:
Hi Starshower*** 🙂
I know you can write beautiful descriptive posts that are eloquent and often a joy to read. 🙂
Have you considered writing a letter to this person. As a way to clarify and express what you felt and still feel for him. Writing down your thoughts and feelings can help to stop them spinning round and round in circles, and give focus and an exit point for your emotions. Write absolutely everything, what you feel are your misgivings, do not analyse your thoughts, just let them flow, and be as indulgent as you need..
When you are done, ceremonially dispose, burn the letter with the decree that you love him, and more importantly that you love and forgive yourself....,
because you more than any other are worthy of your own love:)
Namaste.....