All my relationships seem toxic, am i actually the one to blame?!

Hi Char12

Welcome to the forum. 🙂

I think that you have an inkling of what is going on here and are not happy with your conclusions, or do not understand why this is happening.

As you appear to have embraced and become this suffering long enough, let me see if I can give you a little clarity and understanding of how we work with others to create our life experience, the formula is very simple, our underlying thought patterns and beliefs are what drives our life experience, in order to experience something within self that requires the help of someone else, then we have to find someone who is happy to fulfil our requirements, otherwise we cannot experience whatever it is that we are contemplating experiencing.

We have two choices in the way that we internalise any aspect of our life experience, we can accept it as an experience and we move on to embrace the next part of our life experience, or we choose to place judgements upon it, the judgements can be about them, self or the experience itself, the result is the same for any judgements will only work to create the experience of pain and suffering within self, they will have no impact upon the other person or the experience itself, but they will lock us into the judgements that we have placed upon the experience.

Once we have chosen to place judgements upon an aspect of our life experience, we run the risk of creating and embracing the roll of a victim within self, we then start to think that these people have wronged us, we don't know what we have done to deserve this etc, but have these people wronged us or have they actually helped us to experience something, that we could not experience without their help?

Then because we have locked our life experience into a judgement, we seem to keep experiencing the same thing or similar things with other people, over and over again until we are sated and fed up with the experience.

This will continue until we choose to let go of the judgements that are creating the pain and suffering, we have a free will to experience suffering as and when we choose to, this is a right, but the only person who is creating this suffering is ourselves, we have chosen to experience it, we can stop the suffering whenever we want to by choosing to stop placing judgements upon our life experience, self and others and embrace our life experience in a more open and non-judgemental way.

Your happiness has nothing to do with anyone else, you are the person who has chosen to be the way that you are, you are the person who is totally in control of your life experience, but to experience some things you require the help of others, they will reflect that which you are so that you can become and experience it, if you do not like that reflection, then you need to change your own perceptions and judgements and others will then reflect whatever you are now.

The past is gone and can't be changed, but your thoughts surrounding past events can be completely changed, if you wish to be happy, then be happy to embrace what has been as nothing more than an aspect of your life experience, then you set yourself free to choose a new way for the present moment and embrace that to create a different experience.

I understand that this is not what you where looking for, but non the less I hope that gives you understanding. 🙂

Hi Char12

I really feel for you. Sounds like you are a genuine, caring person. Unfortunately there are a lot of insensitive, selfish people in this world. You just need to take more care of yourself and over who you choose as friends. I have been through similar things, stayed friends with a girl for ten years and then cut her out of my life. During that time I put up with so many put-downs and insults and just couldn't understand why she didn't value me more. Now I see that she was arrogant and insecure inside. If people sense that you are vulnerable they may use this against you just to make themselves feel better. They may not even be aware that they are doing it, but on some level they may be aware that they can hurt you.

I found this book very helpful: [url]The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to recognize it and how to respond: Patricia Evans: 9781440504631: Amazon.com: Books[/url].

Sounds like this guy didn't deserve you. I wonder what is drawing you towards people like this? I agree that it may be something in your thought processes and feelings about yourself, but it is not only this. You can't change other people and if they are being unfair and unkind I think the right thing to do is walk away to protect yourself. If you are afraid of walking away (as you were with your boyfriend) it may just mean you don't have sufficient support or caring elsewhere. That is not your fault, it may just mean you may need to try new hobbies and meet new friends who are capable of appreciating you. Try not to blame yourself - that is what can draw you back in to these toxic relationships. It's easier said than done I know, but you deserve better than this. The ex boyfriend sounds emotionally immature and incapable of loving you, perhaps he's incapable of loving anyone.

You don't need other people's approval in order to feel good about yourself. Don't stick around anyone who upsets you - it sounds like you are already on the right track by walking away and instinctively protecting yourself from them, but I know it's hard when you thought they should have been friends because you were a friend to them. Sadly some people are like that, but there are many more people you can meet, and you are enough as you are.

Hello everybody. I'm new here and need some support, I feel like i'm going crazy and can't even trust my own judgement any more. I've cut a boyfriend and two best friends out of my life in the space of a year because of their bad treatment of me and i'm beginning to think the problem may actually be me after things they said.

Other people's opinions about ourselves can frequently knock us off balance. The things is, and the thing that you need to know is that they are rarely right.

When other people feel a need to put a person down, be critical or deliver a judgement, it's rarely about that person. It's about them - what you are not doing for them or what they don't like about you (there's no rule that everyone has to like everyone else) or what they feel they have a right to be judgemental about.

You never, ever have any control over what people will say about you.

What you do have control over, is whether you allow it to diminish you or not.

At the moment you are allowing other people, who from your description below, seem immature, to diminish you.

With my ex boyfriend, the relationship started out perfectly. We said "i love you's" and i was his first he claimed, making me feel more special. After around 4 months he pulled away until he was completely emotionally absent. I didn't know what i'd done, confronted him and when nothing changed left him. I wish i stayed gone when i wasn't as attached but he convinced me he didn't know what he was doing and said he'd try harder. To try and keep the post short, i'll bullet point the things he did throughout the rest of the relationship that hurt me and what i'm confused about.

- Rarely complimented me/showed me affection
- Walked in front of me in the street sometimes
-He'd ignore me or talk over me
- Said some of my clothes were "provocative"
- Wasn't interested in sex all of a sudden
- Wouldn't return the favour in bed because i "took too long"
- Began looking at pictures of sexy celebs and changed his computer background from me to one of them.
- Would make inappropriate comments about fancying my friend (jokingly)
- Wouldn't go out to do things with me or entertain my ideas, bailed out on me when he did agree.
- Would leave things "grey" e.g never gave me a straight time to see me, when asked why he said "he liked messing with me"
- When i wanted to talk about a problem he'd say "i'd changed/switched into a different person"
- Seemed to belittle me.. "basically you're getting emotional because i'm not doing what you want"
- Took condoms to uni with him/borrowed girls property.. when confronted said i "was paranoid" "he was gonna have to meet new friends"
-Went clubbing with girls he lived with,sounded disinterested talking to me and like it was a chore making time for me.. when confronted: "Do you want me to stay in my room all day? Can i go to lectures? I'm talking to you now when i don't have to be"
- Sometimes when i tried to talk about a problem he'd say "we'll talk tomorrow, you're not happy, you've spoiled everything tonight" implying a break up.
-Called me "boss" when i asked to see him after a week of him being with friends and family to spend time with me.
- After failing driving test somebody told me "i'd pass soon, not everybody passed first time".. he laughed and pointed out mistakes i'd made driving and said he passed first time.
- Once, he pushed my head towards his foot in public because i laughed at him
-Wouldn't comfort me when he'd hurt me/ if i was crying
-Talked to me slowly like i was child when i didn't understand "do you know what clothes are? yes?"
- Would walk off and leave me
- Went to his family party and he sat with another girl all night passing notes, would sometimes come over to check on me and couldn't understand why i left in tears "she was just a friend"
- Came back and used me for sex when i said i wanted more, when i told him my feelings he ignored me and has since

There's a lot of detail here - overall it seems that you needed more from the relationship than him. Which doesn't necessarily make you needy - it's just that you're coming from different places. You sound young and he sounds younger. As though he needs to play around a little more. Do people tell you you're too serious?

I don't know what i've done to deserve all this. I'm starting to think it's more than just bad luck in relationships and with who i meet and there might be some truth in what they're saying. I've started to take on a few things they've said as what i'm really like and it's breaking me apart. I also have few friends now and think there must be a reason for this. I'd like an unbiased view on whether they're right or why i seem to be attracted to these people who hurt me? Is it just bad luck or is there something wrong with me?

No they're not right, there's nothing wrong with you. If I've read between the lines correctly, you are young and at college/university. This is a time of transition, old friendships get thrown out of the window, people try on different personalities and make friends with different kinds of people. You come across as loyal - and this may be the biggest thing that is getting in your way. Perhaps you are holding on to the old more than you need to - maybe it's time to let go and try on some new possibilities yourself?

Best wishes, Alison

Hi there,

I relate very much to what you have been through. All of my past relationships were extremely toxic. I was completely destroyed by them. I hope that doesn't happen to you.

I have taken a VERY long time out to work through all of that, and to gain the necessary insights to enable me to let go of judgement.

When we don't have the insight, judgement naturally fills the void. You can't drop it in a snap, so in the meantime, it serves as some kind of protection and vindication. Not productive in the long run, but a relief in the short term.

Part of the problem is a dependence on others to define us, and giving them the power to make us feel valued or de-valued. There's a need to seperate yourself from how others perceive you, and the feedback that others give you, and to REALLY get in touch with your actual value.

That doesn't just mean the things you are good at, or the values you posess, although those things are important. The main thing is to get a sense of valuing your life and yourself, regardless of what others think and say.

If this becomes strong inside you, then truly, what they think or say will no longer matter.

When that happens, you learn to teach people how to treat you. Some people will glibly say "people abuse you because you let them." It's a bit more compliated than that. Often people don't even realize they are abused. When abuse if finally recognized healing needs to happen. When healing happens all sorts of amazing things happen. We learn how to communicate. We learn how to spot and avoid the abusers super early in the game.

Consider what you are going through now as one of life's "growth opportunities." The growing part isn't much fun, but when the lessons are integrated, your entire perspective on youself, and your relationships will change for the better.

In the meantime, hope you find lots of things to bring you comfort, warmth, and strength.

With my life coach head on, I feel Paul has given you pretty good advice.. May I add one piece of my own? The most important relationship anyone has is with themselves. When we love and respect ourselves two things happen. The first is we don't need approval from others. The second is we send out the right vibes to get others to love and respect us..

I hope you can find the answers you need

The most important relationship anyone has is with themselves. When we love and respect ourselves two things happen. The first is we don't need approval from others. The second is we send out the right vibes to get others to love and respect us..

I've been reading this with interest. How do we love and respect ourselves, where do we start? I wish I was able to do this, I'm sure it would help!

I've been reading this with interest. How do we love and respect ourselves, where do we start? I wish I was able to do this, I'm sure it would help!

Well this is what I deal with with life coaching. I investigate why the person does NOT love and respect themselves, and gradually replace negative thought patterns with positive ones.

It isn't easy and takes practice - but it can be done

Well this is what I deal with with life coaching. I investigate why the person does NOT love and respect themselves, and gradually replace negative thought patterns with positive ones.

It isn't easy and takes practice - but it can be done

Where do you start?

With life coaching, in general terms, it comes down to using particular model (depends on the type of life coach and their training) which will map out and categorize the areas of a persons life, detail what issues there are and what priorities different things take, and then the life coach will work with the person to focus on the things that are most important to the person and set goals etc. as well as exploring what avenues the person has at their disposal (or maybe can get at their disposal) to work towards those goals. Life coaching isn't just something done in a single session, and the life coach will work with the person over time to check up and motivate, and re-adjust the plan as necessary, but ultimately it comes down to the person themselves to want to make the changes.

It can be a very beneficial method of tackling issues.

All Love and Reiki Hugs

Where do you start if you cannot afford something like a life coach though?

I've been reading this with interest. How do we love and respect ourselves, where do we start? I wish I was able to do this, I'm sure it would help!

Hello Mouse16

It might be beneficial to you if you feel comfortable to expand on what is behind that is looking for answers?. Feel free to express only what you feel comfortable with.

Looking at where you are today can help provide an understanding and a way forward to your questions:)

Hello Char12

Phew! There's a lot going on in your post.Firstly there is nothing wrong with you and should avoid running yourself down.

What you have done or not done and what he has done or not done are tools used to fight over what's left after you have both had some feeling the relationship isn't going so well.
Anxiety begins to grow at the same time creating an attachment to something you fear of losing.

In my opinion your thoughts and feelings may take a lot more exploring than in one post.

Sometimes people start out with certain expectations that they expect in their partner even before their first date.These expectations can be developed from a conditioned upbringing.
Commonly projecting expectations from an old relationship on to the new one which could also cause relationship problems.
Once meeting a partner these expectations are projected upon the partner, if these expectations are not met resentment begins to grow against the partner.

Commonly both partners don't know why they have suddenly gone off each other, both begin to pull away from the relationship yet both or one begins to question their own ability in forming a bond at the same time questioning their ability to love another.

Try not to blame yourself or to believe what everyone projects upon you is truth consider that others also may have experienced similar relationships as yourself.

Consider the comments and advice given from 'genuine and well meaning' friends, take what positive advice is of value to you and discard the advice which feels negative in a putting down sense. It is the circumstances you are experiencing and these circumstances should not determine you as a person.

Where do you start if you cannot afford something like a life coach though?

Really sorry Mlouse I missed your question. Where do you start... Well its down to visualisation and practice,practice practice.

For every negative thought there is always a positive you can replace it with. So you may not be any good at needlework - but you ARE good at knitting. So every time you find yourself thinking. 'I'm no good at needlework' you need to actively stop and remind yourself you what you ARE good at.

Once you have a set of positive things you have learned to say about yourself, it is much harder to hate yourself and feel you are a worthless lump.

Really sorry Mlouse I missed your question. Where do you start... Well its down to visualisation and practice,practice practice.

For every negative thought there is always a positive you can replace it with. So you may not be any good at needlework - but you ARE good at knitting. So every time you find yourself thinking. 'I'm no good at needlework' you need to actively stop and remind yourself you what you ARE good at.

Once you have a set of positive things you have learned to say about yourself, it is much harder to hate yourself and feel you are a worthless lump.

Thanks Tashanie, I'm a bit late replying as I've been out and about enjoying the sun 🙂 So if I understand correctly it is about making a constant effort to be positive about yourself. I can see why a lot of practice would be needed because you could be replacing habits of a lifetime.