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Hi Everyone
I'm the girl who posted earlier about living with my husbands mental abuse, in the last couple of weeks I seem to have become very strong, funny because it around the same time as I started posting on this site. I seem to be able to see things as they really are and feel like he cant hurt me anymore, I feel like I have emotionally withdrawn from him and it feels very safe. He has tried being nice to me, he has tried the usual withdrawal from me, he has tried being really horrible to me ie he went out on sat nite and got really drunk and didnt contact me all day and nite to tell me where he was but none of it has got to me! It is actually quiet funny to watch him trying all the usual things to upset me to manipulate me into getting what he wants. He is now tying himself in knots. Yesterday he said he was sorry and that he loved me and I calmly told him that actions speak louder than words and that if he loved me he wouldnt behave like that. He said could we go to marriage guidance and could we have the closeness back in our relationship. I have told him that I dont think marriage guidance would be any good at the moment as he needs to start being honest with himself and that I think he should go to counselling for himself and that then once he has sorted himself out that we could then go to marriage guidance. (I am shortly to start a course of self assertiveness training). I have also told him that I can bring back to closeness in our relationship just now because I dont trust him. I told him that he has hurt me so much in the past that I am terrified to get hurt again.
I just want to know what you think about this, am I doing the right thing? And also I am very interested in any ideas about things I can do to keep feeling like this and anything to make me a stronger person.
M
RE: advice on keeping mentally strong
Hi mmmpml
That screaming therapy sounds good - I think I'll try it! Glad you are feeling better.
You mentioned about the way your husband is with his children and ex-wife. A friend of mine has the same problem with her husband with regards to his adult son from his previous marriage. It causes problems for them whenever the son is coming to visit and its like you said, as if the son has some sort of hold over him. The husband is on edge when the son visits and this causes lots of problems and usually causes arguments. Maybe its an insecurity or lack of confidence thing. I often wonder whether many dad's don't actually feel very confident when it comes to maintaining a good relationship with their children after divorce, their not sure what to do to keep what they had before. They want to be seen to be doing the right thing, but sometimes concentrating only on giving their children a good time but without any discipline, always that fear that the children might not want to visit them any more. This was my observation from dating a divorced dad last year.
Its a good sign that your husband is considering talking to someone, he might be ready to explore his feelings about the past. Also that he can see that he treats your daughter differently and that he isn't always very kind to you. Perhaps he is beginning to get some insight into what his own needs are too.
Enjoy your week and let us know how you get on.
Sandra
x
RE: advice on keeping mentally strong
Well....last time I posted was September 2005, now almost 2 years later I just want to say thanks for the help I received on Healthypages, the support I received here was so helpful to me. I actually came on here today as I have a friend who is going through a lot of emotional pain just now and I wanted to give her details so she can log on and get some extra support and just had a look at what I had posted in the past!!! I cant beleive how bad my life was back then...wow how things have changed for me!!! I finished with my husband in dec 2005, we did get back for a few months last year but it is now over and we are legally separated! I have a new home, my daughter lives with me now and our little dog. I have met the most caring and sensitive man and I am the happiest most content woman! I would never have believed that this could happen to me 2 years ago but there you go! Just thought this might help somebody going through something simalar and that maybe now I would be in a position to offer advice!
Thanks
Mandy
RE: advice on keeping mentally strong
Posts: 2775
Joined: 20 July 2004,
From: Scotland
Status: offline Sheeeeeeeees, he sounds like a piece of work...It is not easy to break up. But he sounds like a right bully. Once you have broken free of this relationship and gone through the worst and are able to look back, you will realise for yourself how lucky you are to be rid of him.
Sounds as if he is playing controal games with you. Don't believe him when he tells you it is all your fault. A relationship takes two people to make it work, not just one.
Surprise him my dear and this time YOU go ahead with the split-up.
I know this is easier said than done, but in the end you will be much better off.
Hugs
Amber
RE: advice on keeping mentally strong
you eat poo
RE: advice on keeping mentally strong
Mandy,
Thank you so much for coming on here and posting about your life now. Reading your story will certainly help me and I'm sure so many other HP'ers.
I'm so pleased for you.
RE: advice on keeping mentally strong
Hiya Mandy!
I didnt catch this thread the first time around but Ive just read it now its been nudged to the top!
Im so happy that you found the strength to turn things around.
Well done pud!
All the best
Tx
RE: advice on keeping mentally strong
Hi Mandy,
Blimey, hasn't time flown, I remember posting on here before and it only seems like a couple of months ago.
What great news that you've managed to get things sorted for yourself. You are definitely an inspiration for others in the same boat, and living proof that there is a better life out there.
There's a feeling of happiness in the air today.
Love and Reiki Hugs
RE: advice on keeping mentally strong
Hi Guys
Thanks for all the lovely words, even now that everything is good in my life its lovely to hear from everyone. I agree Energylz there is a good feeling in the air today! In fact I often feel goodness and happiness sweeping over me these days in huge big waves of happiness. I think because I was so low for so long it makes me appreciate what happiness is and I acknowledge it all the time because I am so grateful to have it! Small things make me very happy like waking up in the morning having slept well and having a cup of tea while it's still quiet!!
Looking back at myself at that time is so sad for me because the only regret I have is that I didnt care about myself enough to think that I was worth getting out of the situation earlier, to anyone out there going through the same type of thing I would say:
Always believe that you are worth being happy, dig down as deep as you can and litterally haul yourself up out of that pit of darkness, reach out to everything good in the world and grab it with both hands, life is so precious and you can be happy. Start with the basics, look after yourself - eat well, exercise, be organised, try and relax so you can have a good nights sleep. Get up in the morning breath in and out, SMILE, even if you dont feel like it, put the music on loud and dance around and then get ready to face the world, look your utmost best at all times! All sounds a bit daft probably but it worked for me, step by stepI got stronger and stronger!
I really do think the catalyst for me was the support I got from the kind people on Healthpages so I am here now to give something back!
Mandy xx
RE: advice on keeping mentally strong
Mandy
thanks so much for coming back to let us know how far you have come.
this has really cheered me up today!!!