RE: advice on keeping mentally strong

Hi M,

Sounds like you are doing all sorts of right things - keep it up girl! It's wonderful to hear that you are feeling stronger.

The self-assertiveness classes can only be a good thing.

You might try yoga classes - very good for developing and increasing your feelings of self worth - particularly as you get into working with the breath. And now is a good time to find classes with the new adult education year starting.

Also to develop your inner strength and psychic protection, try visualising yourself surrounded in a protective 'egg' of white light in which you are kept safe, with all negativity from outside sourses repelled as if bya forcefield. William Bloom's book on psychic protection is very good and very readable.

Good luck and keep up the good work [sm=hug.gif]

Aldebaran
[sm=nature-smiley-008.gif]

RE: advice on keeping mentally strong

Well good for you!
Is all I can say, just looking and sencign your energy I feel the difference,:)

Here is a good tip for you if he gets nasty or trys and picks a fight

Tell him *hang on there one moment*
Get a piece of paper (while he is still ranting and raving)
Draw a big smily face on it:D
Put it infront of him in a place he can see it, or in a place where you would normally sit, (got to be a place he can see it)
Get your car keys and leave the house for a good few hours, just leave him there. Even if you havent got a car, just get out and let him stew, That will work.

Tip 2
Protect your solar plexus ask archangel Michael to suround it in blue light and close your solar plexus befoe you ask ( do not close it all together, leave a small opening in it) this will help you and should not feel like you have been kicked in the gut thenext time he starts:)

Love and Blessings
Ithar:)

RE: advice on keeping mentally strong

Hi mmmpml

That's great that you have found a renewed strength. Well done. Being able to take a step back and be a spectator is enabling you to see much more clearly and it sounds as though you are also able to avoid getting sucked into the emotional games. The objective is to give your husband the opportunity to look at his own problems and hopefully he will want to sort them out. Up until now he has used control and manipulation to always point the finger at you which meant he didn't need to look at himself.

You have already found that he is tying himself up in knots trying to make the old tried and tested methods of control work. He will know that something has changed but might not realise exactly what. Based on my own experience, he may continue with this for a while longer and once he realises it isn't having the desired effect, could try out ever more creative ways to regain his control and undermine your confidence. He may even up the ante and become more extreme on the Good Guy/Bad Guy theme.

You may find he tries to second guess what would make you happy, expecting you to 'soften' so that the familiar pattern returns. It was at this stage that we suddenly had enough money for a new kitchen, carpets, car or whatever else he thought would work (I hadn't asked for any of these things). If this happens, it might be worth trying to get him to actually say that it is what he wants too, otherwise it might be thrown back in your face and used to make you feel guilty and 'ungrateful'.

Try to always remember the objective. Stay strong. And remember that you have lots of support on HP whenever you need it.

Sandra
x

RE: advice on keeping mentally strong

Hi

Thanks everyone, it feels great to be strong, I dont think I've ever felt this strong in my life before, maybe its all the positive energy I'm getting from all you guys!!!! If I could just feel like this the rest of my life I think I could be really happy, I just feel so balanced. Even on saturday nite when he didnt call all nite I didnt feel upset. I had three invitations to go out on sat nite, out for a drink with friends, up to another friends house for a drink and a chat and out for dinner with my mum and dad, in the end I just listened to my inner self, I got a takeaway and went home to my little dog and cuddled up on the couch with him and had an early nite!!!! I just hope it lasts...........I mean feeling like this, I will try all your ideas, liked the one about the drawing the smily face although I find sneakily cleaning the toilet with his toothbrush whens he's being particularly nasty strangely satisfying!!!!!!

Sabenny just wanted to say listening you that sounds like you went through exactly the same thing as me and it really helps to be aware of what he might try next, I need to be one step ahead all the time.

Mx

RE: advice on keeping mentally strong

Hi M

Well now that you are feeling stronger it won't go away. As you are very aware of what is going on you will easily be able to keep one step ahead without much effort. But always be on the lookout for new tactics. It might mean that you will think everything he does (nice or nasty) has an ulterior motive, but from my own experience it probably does! His need to control is very powerful and he might not give it up so easily.

Take your time until you feel you are able to trust him again and you believe that his motives are sincere and his love is genuine. Unfortunately this didn't happen in my relationship. He was so angry at losing the control he had enjoyed for so long, he just got worse and I had to leave him.

Also, as an observer, try to notice how long he is able to sustain being nice to you. If he is able to gradually do this for longer, it could well be a sign that something positive is happening with him.

Anyway, you are doing really well and it will be nice to hear how you are getting on.

Sandra
x

RE: advice on keeping mentally strong

Hi Everyone

Basically I am going through hell just now, my husband is trying it all on now. One minute telling me he will do everything humanly possibly so that we can stay together next minute roaring he wants a divorce and that I drive him to drink. Over the last few days I have actually shouted at him twice, it just all came out, I told him that I hate him and that he makes me feel like dying. He is such a manipulative lying bully and he is driving me crazy, he goes from being horrible to being nice so often I dont know whether I'm coming or going. He keeps screaming at me when he is drunk that he wants a divorce but then the next day he says he will get help and then the next thing he is saying its all my fault. I keep trying to keep strong but he grinds me down. I had 2 hours sleep last nite, just sat up most of the nite crying. I feel so miserable, I just dont know what to do.......! This morning we left it at the we are going to split, sell the house etc.........thing is I dont know if he means it......... and the horrible thing is that even though I know I need to get out of this relationship is that I am so scared of all the pain I am going to have to go through because I know its going to hurt even though he makes my life a misery. Last nite we had a lovely dinner and shared a bottle of wine (I really try to watch my alchahol intake because I know it can make things worse. I only had 2 glasses but I know that if I hadnt we probably wouldnt have argued as bad because I would have just went to be crying as usual) while we were having dinner we were making nice plans for the weeked and I felt fine and then an argument just erupted. He runs rings round me when we argue and it make me head feel like exploding, he told me to f*** off and then starting saying I wasnt right in the head and referring to my ex husband and ex partner (who used to hit me) and saying that it must be me. He has also been telling lies about me to my family saying that he cant control my drinking and that I dont care about my daughter.

Sorry to go on there is so much crap in my head right now, I am so confused. I need to get out of this situation before I start to feel suicidal again but I just dont seem to know how.

Sorry for ranting
M

RE: advice on keeping mentally strong

Sheeeeeeeees, he sounds like a piece of work... [&:]

It is not easy to break up. But he sounds like a right bully. Once you have broken free of this relationship and gone through the worst and are able to look back, you will realise for yourself how lucky you are to be rid of him.

Sounds as if he is playing controal games with you. Don't believe him when he tells you it is all your fault. A relationship takes two people to make it work, not just one.

Surprise him my dear and this time YOU go ahead with the split-up.

I know this is easier said than done, but in the end you will be much better off.

Hugs

Amber

RE: advice on keeping mentally strong

read what you have written today as if it were someone else & their story. what would you say? summon all that strength. you have tried hard enough. how can you function on 2 hours' sleep? things can only escalate further as you know. lots of love x

RE: advice on keeping mentally strong

I will go home tonite and sit down and talk to him about what has to be done,first thing is getting someone out to survey the house and then sell it, I suppose I will just have to take it one step at a time but keep moving towards my goal, I'm just so scared of all the pain I am going to go through. Why when we know someone is being bad to us do we still have to have feelings for them......it seems really sick!!! I think I have just realised today that after 8 years he is never going to change. I have tried to kill myself at least 4 times since I have been with him, I even have a metal plate in my back from jumping out of a window once....am lucky to be walking.......you would think I would have learned my lesson by now.......but no I'm a glutton for punishment. I just need to keep thinking about all the bad times I suppose.

Thanks for your support guys it really helps.

M

RE: advice on keeping mentally strong

Hi,

Just read your sad story. This man has put you on an emotional rollercoaster and it seems like it is very difficult for you to know what to do as he continually keeps you off-balance and confused. I don't think that it is about being strong or weak - it just is the way it is but you must have some strength for putting up with all this for so long. You said that you have tried in the past to commit suicide four times. Enough is enough, this is serious and you have your daughter and the rest of your family to consider. Don't bother trying to argue with this arch manipulator as you are never going to win, state your intentions and leave it at that. Your feelings for him WILL change when you have put time and distance between you and then you will be able to see him for what he really is. If you wish, please contact me with the area that you live in and I can look it up to see if there is any local support available to you.

Best wishes

Tucker

RE: advice on keeping mentally strong

Heya M

From his point of view he is likely to be getting angry because he is scared that he is losing the very things that are precious to him. I'm certainly not condoning any mental or emotional manipulation that he has been putting you through and I'm sure there's a little manipulation going the other way cos it's human nature that we all do thing to try and manipulate a situation for our own benefit.

You do need to look after yourself and your daughter as a priority, that's what matters most, but also consider what help your partner needs. If he seriously needs some councelling or support group (i.e. if he's drinking too much) then dig out some contacts that would help him. Once you've got those together, how about asking him to sit down with you to discuss things (put a table between you so that it's obvious the talk is not a "i want to be near you and with you" type of talk). When you're sat down, state clearly that you don't hate him, you do care about him, but you both know that it isn't working between you and you both need to sort out your own lives. Let him know that you are going to go and find help for yourself and if he wants some help too for himself then you are willing to assist him in finding that help (then later you can give him the details you have found or leave them laying around for him to see)

Just cutting him off directly is likely to make him feel very angry and bitter towards you but, I believe, if he knows that it's not a case of hating each other but just that your lives together isn't working out and you do care what happens to him, then this could ease the pain for both of you. Agree together to make positive steps towards sorting out your own lives rather than making an agreement to make the situation as negative as possible.

You can take this, leave it or change it as you please, it is just a suggestion from my part.

I will send some reiki to the situation for you and wish you all a pleasant and peaceful future. Nobody deserves to be unhappy.

Love and Reiki Hugs

RE: advice on keeping mentally strong

Hi

I am feeling a bit better today, got quite a good sleep last nite so that makes a big difference, we didnt talk last nite, dont think either of us had the energy, his sons come and stay tonite so thats off limits but we have said that we will discuss things over the weekend. We normally go for dinner on friday nite so maybe that would be a good time??? Giles I am going to say to him what you have said, I agree that this will make things easier for both of us. I really do think he needs help, when he drinks I definately do see a change in him, this has became more apparent for me in the last two months because I came out of hospital after taking an overdose then and the pyhsichiarist I saw told me that I should try not to drink as it can make you more impulsive I have taken this advice and now notice that when he has had a drink he says and does things that are quite nasty. I have tried saying this to him but he says that I drive him to it, well sometimes he says that and sometimes he admits that there is a problem.

I think to be honest that the situation is that I know that somewhere deep down inside him there is a very good man there but that he has a lot of problems, if I could have the nice him then I would be very happy, as it is he is so changeable that it affects me mentally. My daughter left 4 weeks ago to live with her father as she cant take it anymore, my husband has always found it hard to treat his sons and my daughter fairly and basically runs around after them and lets them away with everything but expects my daughter to do everything for herself and constantly grounding her or some sort of punishment, this has been a constant source of agro since the day we met.

Also he is never there for me.......example when I came out of the hospital on the wed nite, he was very cold towards me and then left me in the house on my own while he went out drinking on the sat nite, the following sat I decided to take my daughter and I to visit my Nana, he went ballistic at me because he wanted to go out all day and all nite but couldnt becuase I wouldnt watch the boys.

I think I know that it is over between us but I am scared because I know he will make it really hard for me and also that I will still miss him and wonder if I am doing the right thing!!!!!

I have been told by the physichrist that I have adjustment disorder, that being that my depression is not medical but is caused by a stressor ie my husband that triggers something in me that means I cant cope and the only way out I can see is suicide. I have been prescirbed mertazipine to help me sleep and also I have to have assertiveness and confidence training although unfortuntaely the first available course isnt until January.

Tucker I live in the Falkirk area, any info would be brilliant.

Energyser thanks for your advice, it makes sense.

Also thanks to everyone else who has replied, it feels really good to here what everyone has to say.

Mx

RE: advice on keeping mentally strong

Hi M

Well you are sounding very strong even if you don't feel it yourself. Yes, it is scary when you have made such a big decision but you have also managed to start the process of breaking the emotional bond with your husband. There are bound to be times when you will feel a lot of grief for the relationship with him that you didn't have, but you have accepted that he isn't going to change and this is a really positive shift in your way of thinking.

You said that you were scared of all the pain that you are going to go through. If you could think of it as a grief but also the start of your own path to healing, it might help to keep things in perspective. You are likely to feel lots of other things like relief, freedom, clarity of thought and more, interspersed with the feelings of sadness and regret that would be expected in these circumstances. I spent a lot of time beating myself up about not leaving sooner but realised then that whatever time you choose to make the change, it actually is the right time for you. So take heart, you will get through this and go on to live a much happier life. Peace of mind and emotional stability are very precious and once you reclaim these you won't let them go.

Sandra
x

RE: advice on keeping mentally strong

i hope you can get it out, say what you need to say & not put it off. rooting for you tonight & this weekend x

RE: advice on keeping mentally strong

wow what a good thread of advice.
Good luck i hope you sort it out and it ends up ok.

Tell him *hang on there one moment*
Get a piece of paper (while he is still ranting and raving)
Draw a big smily face on it

Id just like to comment on experience regarding this one though.....

At first i laughed.. LOL.... i thought it was funny.

But ive actualy tried something similar to this myself.

My girlfriend was drunk and being really nasty because i didnt support her when she snatched a cd off this boy (when we were having 5 songs each on the cd player) half way through his songs.. and was fighting him to take the cd out...

I never seen her act like that befor & i though she should chill.

she was furious i didnt stick up for her.... and "we" ended up arguing!!!

sheesh.
Anyways.... I held the mirror up to her from the bathroom..when she was in bed......
And she actualy SMILED!!! in it at herself and "admired" her nasty persona!!!!!

I think she was impressed by herself!!! not disgusted!

Mabe i should have been on her side... but in actual fact it was her who was out of line really.

And she tells my im out of line sometimes.

I agree with Energylz on this one. We all contrubute a little to anything as really we can control the way we react.

I think its about "wanting to" though, and the more we try to be better... so that will reflect. but if we see the other wrong.. it makes us feel why should we try?

everything reflects.

even our selves to ourself.

The I ching says that we must see only good in others and act only good in our selves.

RE: advice on keeping mentally strong

Hi M

It sounds like that you're really going through it but you realise that this relationship cannot continue while your husband continues to behave in this way. Of course you still have feelings for him, you have spent a great deal of time together and shared a lot. But, as you say, he is not there to support you when you have tried your hardest for him. Just to re-cap - when you came out of hospital following your overdose, he was very cold to you and then went out drinking on the Saturday night and then on the following Saturday, he went 'ballistic' because you spent time with your family and wasn't there to look after his children so that he could go out drinking. And this was less than two weeks after your overdose when you could have died or irreparably damaged your body. Has his behaviour changed since you threw yourself out of the window and had to have a steel plate put in your back and was lucky not to be permanentlly disabled? Has his behaviour changed since your daughter left because she couldn't take it any more? Does he display the same behaviour in front of his own children? I wonder why he split up from their mother? He lies to your family and blames you for all his problems, he tells you that you are mad. This is not just mental and emotional manipulation, this is abuse and alcohol does not cause abusers to abuse, it gives them an EXCUSE for their abuse. I really hope that I am wrong but I think that all the cosy chats in the world are not going to change this man's behaviour.

The phone number for Falkirk & District Women's Aid is 01324 635 661. I phoned and spoke to a worker ( really impressed that they were still providing a service at 11.30pm ) who said that you can call them between 9.30-3.30 Mon-Fri or just drop in for a chat. I can't post the address as this is a public site but phone them and they will give it to you. Please do contact them as they will give you practical advice and support you whether you decide to leave or stay in this relationship and I think that you sound like such a nice person you deserve it. Please let me know how you get on.

Giles and Geminisoul: The situation is already negative (please re-read the above if you're still in doubt) and he is already angry and bitter.

Sandra: You really do have an understanding of the processes going on here.

Best wishes to all

Tucker

RE: advice on keeping mentally strong

Hi M

Tucker has talked about Women's Aid for support and advice and I have to say that they are very very good. They helped me before and after I left my husband and I will always be very grateful to them.

They give so much assistance and support and you don't feel alone in your situation any more. They provide a safe and secure place for you to offload and explore your own feelings. It was through talking to them that I began to realise and believe that I was a valid and worthwhile person and not the waste of space my husband claimed I was. I really can't praise them enough so I hope you will give them a ring.

Sandra
x

RE: advice on keeping mentally strong

Hi Tucker

What you said is so true and just reiterates it to me that it is never going to change. He is now asking if I will go to relate with him, I've been asking him to go to marriage guidance for over a year but he wouldnt go. I think its to little to late. Will he be honest anyway or will he just try and run rings round them too. I dont know why but I feel scared to just tell him that its over!!!! Probably two things one he will be really horrible to me, he always trys to make out that its me who wants to finish it even though its always him that screams it at me in an argument. I have always tried to do everything to stay with him because I thought I couldnt live without him. I am also still scared that I will end up missing him and wanting him back.

I will definately phone the womens aid and thank you so much for finding that out for me it is very kind of you.

What a nice bunch of people I have met on here, it certainly helps and I feel very supported.

M

RE: advice on keeping mentally strong

i feel strongly that this has gone beyond Relate. He needs help independently of any relationship. He is clutching at straws with this concession, terrified of losing you & of the game being over. Look back at the facts as spelt out by Tucker. You already know the facts, & they don't help with the incredibly difficult thing you have to do.

RE: advice on keeping mentally strong

Hi M

Having gone through all of this myself with someone very similar to your husband who was a bully and liked to control, I would treat his willingness to go to Relate with suspicion. As I mentioned before, he will now go to any lengths to hang onto the control that he has enjoyed for so long. It is such a powerful need in him that he will do anything to hang onto it. Also, bear in mind that there is often a long waiting list for Relate counselling and you may have to wait months to be seen anyway. In the meantime, your husband has bought a bit more time to continue with the emotional abuse.

It sounds as though you are seriously thinking about contacting Women's Aid and I think this would be an excellent starting point for you. If you do nothing else, please do this. You said that you are scared of splitting up, talking to Women's Aid will help you to feel more confident about whatever decision you make and you will feel very supported all the way through.

Sandra
x

RE: advice on keeping mentally strong

Hi Everyone.
Well I went home on friday nite and I told him I wanted it to be over. He cried and I cried in separate rooms. I tried to get him to go out for a couple of drinks so we could be apart but he didnt want to. Eventually I went through and we ordered a takeaway and watched a film together....like friends. He slept on the couch (although he has been doing this for most nites for some time)in the morning we met in the kitchen and made tea. We were in the living room together and we started talking. We talked for 2 and a half hours....I got a lot off my chest. He said he would go for counselling. We then went for lunch and enjoyed a really nice day out together. Basically we are back together. On saturday I felt sure about it....now I dont know....doubts have started creeping back in. He said he would make an appointement for the doctors yesterday but didnt. We are still getting on really well. I have made a promise to myself to see my friends and join a gym etc. I am going out for dinner with a friend tomorow nite and a candle party on thrusday. Maybe if I keep strong he will realise he cant do the things he does anymore. He also has some plans of his on for doing things with friends. Maybe if we get the balance right things will change. Being honest with myself I think in the past I have been quite insecure and jealous at times. I have really changed since then so maybe he can. I am just trying to be really honest.

Mx

RE: advice on keeping mentally strong

Hugs to you M...

I hope it works out for both of you.

You know where to come if you want a rant and just get it all off your chest.

We are here for you every step of the way.

Hugs

Amber

RE: advice on keeping mentally strong

i really really feel for you now more than ever. perhaps because i know i couldn't put the lid back on a situation once i'd put it out there so to speak. i hope you will continue to talk to us on here, & feel that you cango around the loop again, indeed as many times as you need to x

RE: advice on keeping mentally strong

Hi M

Its good that you and your husband have been able to talk. It will probably take a lot more than that for you to trust him again though and if he isn't able to follow through on his promises it isn't going to help the situation very much. At least he is trying, but its whether he can sustain this for very long. Sorry to sound a bit negative but what he says and what he does could well be two very different things. Only time will tell now. Good though that you are pleasing yourself a bit more, he might follow suit and you will both start to enjoy life again. You are also more honest now, in particular with yourself, so if you can continue with that it will help you to find what you want (and don't want). Best of luck and post again whenever you need to.

Sandra
x

RE: advice on keeping mentally strong

ORIGINAL: Tucker
Giles and Geminisoul: The situation is already negative (please re-read the above if you're still in doubt) and he is already angry and bitter.

I agree Tucker, the situation is/was already negative. My point was that by cutting a person out, whether they understand that they are the cause of the negativity or not, will only increase the amount of negativity in the situation rather than help to alleviate it. By sitting down, talking and stating the facts of the situation out loud between each other it's possible that each party may gain a greater understanding of why the situation has got to the state it is in, where that situation is ultimately heading and what options they have available to them to change that situation. I don't dismiss that seeking assistance from outside organisations or even other friends or those of us here on HP, can be beneficial to the person seeking assistance, but it's important in such situations to be aware of the possible outcome of such actions in relation to the other person. i.e. Even if M's husband were to find that she's been discussing their 'private' situation with strangers on the web then this could cause him to become more negative. In my view, if the parties involved can sit down and discuss things (I know not every situation will allow this but IF) then the situation can be calmed and the fact that the one party wants to seek advice to help the situation can be put out in the open and it then appears that nothing is being done behind each others backs.

Relationships can be extremely complicated things (I know, I'm in one ;)). Seeking outside assistance is very good, especially if the situation is likely to endanger our mental, psychologicalor physical wellbeing, but being able to talk about things to help calm a situation can also be extremely beneficial.

M,

Well done for sitting down and talking with your husband, I know it takes a lot of courage to do that, but that just shows the strength you have. It sounds as if it has made him realise the situation that has been created between the two of you and that it can't continue like that, BUT you haven't just left him all alone, and that is probably the one thing that was scaring him the most. Be strong, make sure you continue to talk and do things for yourself and if possible give support to each other. At the same time, be careful not to let him manipulate the situation back into his own control. Be on the lookout for the common "poor me" manifesting in him. This is where he will make it seem (maybe not consciously) as if he is losing out and will then seek attention from you to try and make it better. Be clear that you can't make things better for him, he has to make things better for himself and, although you care about him and are willing to help him out just as you would expect him to help you, he has to make the decision about what his is going to do to make things better. e.g. if he says he wants help with his drinking problem, it's not up to you to throw out all the drink in the house, it's up to him to do it; you can find out the names and contact details of organisations to help him, but it's up to him to phone them and make an appointment. If he's not willing to do this then he's not willing to help himself.

The same applies to you.You can get help with things that you need in your life, but it's up to you to go and get that help. Your husband, or those of us on HP, can seek out and provide details of where to find help, but it is up to you to make that step and actually go about doing it.[

RE: advice on keeping mentally strong

Hi All

Things have been a bit better lately, my husband and I have done some talking lately. I will be starting a stress management course in about 6 weeks, the assertiveness.

I have been going through all different ranges of emotions lately. My husbands mother had booked a caravan holiday for the kids to go with their Aunt and partner, seemingly they cant take them now so my husband has booked a week off his work to go. I cant go as I have no holidays left to take but to be truthful there is no way I would want to go anyway as I find holidays as a family stressful because of my husbands parenting style (which is basically to let his boys do and get whatever they want and to constantly pander to them while being totally the opposite way with my daughter) he has said that he would take my daughter also but I have refused this (my daughter is really annoyed about not going) because I am frightened that something might happen with regard to the unfairness that will upset my daughter, she had started self harming before she left to go and live with her father about 6 weeks ago. So basically I am the baddy at the moment.

When we originally spoke about it a couple of weeks ago I think I was just pleased that I didnt have to go and that I would have a week in the house to myself. Now I am starting to feel a bit annoyed. Although his boys have already had 2 holidays with us this year and are going on holiday with their mum at xmas it seems that come hell of high water they have to have this holiday as well. Its like my husband can just never let them down or his ex-wife as she is always going on about her time (we have the boys shared care). Basically I think I am realising that my daughter doesnt live with me anymore because of the situation with my husband and his boys but that everything is still tickety boo for him and his boys whereas our lives have been turned upside down. I just feel that as usual I am the loser out of everything.

I am feeling quiet hateful and resentful to my husband and his boys today if I'm really honest and I dont like admitting it! His eldest son has always disliked me and bullied my daughter to different extents, I feel terrible hating a 15 year old but I do. The younger son isnt as bad but is still really cheeky to me at times and this really annoys me to. This is obviously an unhealthy situation for the kids, my husband and me.

I just wish sometimes that they stayed with their mother and my husband saw them on his own to spend some time with them instead of them leaving with us half the time and me feeling uncomfortable in my on home (I am left with them on my own a lot).

There I've said it, feels good just to get it out and be honest!

Am I some kind of monster????????

M

RE: advice on keeping mentally strong

No M, of course you're not a monster.
Your husband obviously panders to his own kids and gives them everything they want because he most likely feels guilty about putting them through 'the breakup' thing with their mother. He tries his hardest to stay on their good side, and kids being kids will play up to that and take him for everything he will give.
Unfortunately this means that he has it in his head that he has to appear to be the dominant and strong one in your own relationship and this seems to have resulted in him picking on yourself and your daughter. Again, kids being kids they'll follow in their dads footsteps and do likewise.
Enjoy your assertiveness course, and when you've been on it you'll be on a fine footing for telling him and his sons that treating you and your daughter the way they have been is unacceptable.
Avoid dwelling on their holiday away and seize the opportunity to have some quality peaceful time. If you can afford it, go out and treat yourself to something nice, haircut, clothes, shoes, a funky CD or whatever is your sort of thing. Cook yourself a nice meal-for-one and have a nice long soak in the bath. You can really take that time and make it into your own holiday. 😉

Love and Reiki Hugs

RE: advice on keeping mentally strong

Hi M

Yes treat this as your own little holiday and pamper yourself a bit, you deserve it.

Also, great that you are starting the stress management/assertiveness course in a few weeks time. I'm sure you will find it very helpful. Good luck with that.

Sandra
x

RE: advice on keeping mentally strong

Hi

Thanks Sandra and Energylz! I just felt so angry yesterday that I had to get it out. Dont know if you think this was a good idea but I had a major scream and rant myself in the car yesterday and it seemed to lessen my anger!!! I have expressed to my husband how I am feeling and we didnt argue or shout, so at least I have told him how I am feeling. I am really looking forward to next week now and I am going to use the time to relax and unwind.

My husband called me this morning and I was on the phone to a friend who is quite down just now so he couldnt get through, when I called him back he was really annoyed, first cause he couldnt get me and then because I hadnt told him about a situation with my friend and her boyfriend, he was saying that I should be telling him as he knows my friend...I cant really understand what he was getting so upset about and I told him I didnt want to argue he then starting saying that he thinks he would like someone to speak to and his going to go back to his doctor (doc has recommended marriage guidance only) he says that he knows that he has treated my daughter and I unfairly when it comes to the boys but that he doesnt mean to do it and that its just something thats in him. I find the way he is with his boys really weird its like he fears them and also their mother, its like he is constantly worried what she will say, like they've got some hold on him, I cant quite explain it but it doesnt feel right. He was abused as a child by older step sisters and although he has told me and others in my familyand friends he has never told his family and is terrifed of them knowing!

The thing I feel is that my husband has a lot of problems he has never dealt with and he seems to use me as a batting post for everything, like its no problem never being there for me etc as long as he keeps is exwife and boys happy.

Sorry just giving some background.

M