ex boyfriend addiction!

Hi Vicki,
It seems to me that you have several issues going on here:-
1- your current relationship that is good but not fantastic and
2- your feelings about your ex which have resurfaced recently.

If you were in a strong relationship now then your ex would not even ripple your life.

You do not sound as though you have moved on completely from your ex in all the 20 years so nobody is ever going to have a deep relationship with you until you do so. Perhaps you need to explore truthfully why you and your ex split up as meeting up with him, especially with the "old crowd" transports you back to those days- perhaps with rose tinted glasses on.

My advice would be to honestly look at your current relationship first.
If you then feel it has run its course then you need to talk to your partner as you are hurting both of you if you are not 100% with him.

You say that you are only reading between the lines with your ex- perhaps he is just massaging his ego with you as he will no doubt realise how you still feel toward him.

Life has a funny way of sorting things and perhaps this is here now so that you can finally draw a line under these feelings after 20 years.

If you are meant to be together then he will move heaven and earth to be with you.

I am speaking from experience!

Think you have to look at what it was that led you to part in the first place.

Also, is the relationship you have basically sound but just needing livening up a bit.

I know that if I met my ex-fiancee of 20 years ago I would probably think..."what if".... but even although me and my old man take each other for granted, I wouldn't want anyone else.

Like gaiaholistix said, it may just be a massage to his ego (is he with someone just now but hasn't told you). Also, theres nothing more appealing that what will appear to him unatainnable.

Patchouli

i have recently had a very upsetting time with an old friend passing away of cancer. trouble is as well as dealing with my feelings for her, my ex, who was part of that crowd and someone that i have never stopped loving even after nearly 20 years is back in my life (at least for the moment anyway)
...is has turned my life upside down. i am in a relationship that is good but not fantastic. i cant get the ex out of my head and reading between the lines he appears to want me back although he hasnt said as much, more hinting at things. i cant sleep or focus at work.

Hi Vicki,
I think that this is another case of pain and suffering caused because of our rigid insistence that relationships must be monogomous - that you can only love one person at a time. That you must sever completely all links, all love, all feelings that you have for one person if you decide to love another.

I would say that with your friend dying of cancer, and your ex friend comming back in your life, your feelings for him, and your current boy friend, the universe is telling you something.

I agree with Jamesk that being in a relationship does not stop us having lust or love for another- but when these emotions start to "turn your life completely upside down" then a more systematic approach is needed. Not everyone can deal with the intensity or guilt of a non-monogamous relationship. Usually one half ends up being more deeply involved and sometimes losing everything.

In vicki's case these feelings of love for her ex may be stopping her from moving on and living again.

I agree that she may be at crossroads in her life but it would be better to proceed with all the information than to just make a blind decision based on emotion alone.

thank you for all your responses it is much appreciated!

i am supposed to be seeing him tonight, i will try to talk to him about how i am feeling, i feel i have to be honest not just with him but myself. i just hope he will be as well, even if i dont want to hear what he has to say. unfortunately he is one of those blokes that doesnt really do the whole 'feelings' thing. he is very good at blocking difficult things out of his mind and keeping them hidden away.

sorry

I agree with Jamesk that being in a relationship does not stop us having lust or love for another- but when these emotions start to "turn your life completely upside down" then a more systematic approach is needed. Not everyone can deal with the intensity or guilt of a non-monogamous relationship. Usually one half ends up being more deeply involved and sometimes losing everything.

I think that its this "intense guilt" that is very often the problem - if you examine you will see that it it comes from 1400 years Catholic/Christian brainwashing along the lines of Sex=Sin, Pleasure=Sin, Lust = Sin and so on.

A society, so steeped in guilt associated with sex, where one risks "losing everything" as it were if one enjoys oneself outside the monogomous norms, is in my view very sick.

In vicki's case these feelings of love for her ex may be stopping her from moving on and living again.

What is there to move on to - a "safe" passage to the grave? Its the physical feelings that we have that let us live, and in my view there is nothing else worth bothering with.

I agree that she may be at crossroads in her life but it would be better to proceed with all the information than to just make a blind decision based on emotion alone.

I often make "blind" decisions based on how my body feels, because from experience i know that it alone never lies. My mind, my reasoning, my logic is often faulty - and often gives me the wrong answer!

Hi Jamesk,
I think you have touched on this topic in a different thread before 🙂

I suspect that it has less to do with any religion or a lifestyle choice, but rather it is down to basic human emotions and needs- something we see a lot as therapists.

Where there are 2 people in the relationship who are both making an equal committment then I do think guilt can come into the equation, irrespective of religion, when one of you changes direction. It may not just be about sex, I have seen couples torn apart by changing their commitment on many different aspects of their life together- leaving the other half devestated.

By assessing all the facts first before acting impulsively we are not moving to a "safe passage to the grave" rather we are realigning ourselves onto our correct path so we can fulfill our journey through life.

I am not religious, I simply take responsibilty for my actions.

Follow your heart.

Hi

There is only awareness in these situations ...

.. you seperated for a reason ... and I find that reason fades and the Love remains ... go back and the reason will still be there and will surface.

Complete it, sounds to me like somewhere you settled for second best ... within yourself ... learn ...

... for me, undoubtedly, since your 'current' relationship is not fantastic a demand will be set up for something to fill that space ...

... the soul loves fire after all ... and it loves love affairs/kinships ... there are a million ways to make love and only one involves taking your clothes off ... try something deeper, more intimate ... beyond the intimacy of sex. Such realms do exist ... and going there will challenge/strengthen your current relationship ... perhaps inspire it.

... no solid answers for you really ... you are 'attracting' this tho' so do pay attention to why you are and what is missing.

I have had too much of this at times ... the thing I tell my children (always the arbiter of sense that) is that ... Love lasts forever, it's life that moves on.

Peace.

Jim

Hi gaiaholistix,

I suspect that it has less to do with any religion or a lifestyle choice, but rather it is down to basic human emotions and needs- something we see a lot as therapists.

I assume that you are saying that monogomy is a basic human need.

I think that if you look at basic biological needs of virtually all animals and plants, you will likely find that sexual monogomy is not one of them - unless it is related to survival.

Freud made the point that we never have sexual dreams about our society sanctioned partners - if sexual monogamy was a basic need then all our dreams would be with this one partner, but they are not. Examine your own dreams (which is actually your unconscious mind in action, and the mind often works by using symbols, particularly symbols concerned with sexuality) and you will see for your self.

Where there are 2 people in the relationship who are both making an equal committment then I do think guilt can come into the equation, irrespective of religion, when one of you changes direction. It may not just be about sex, I have seen couples torn apart by changing their commitment on many different aspects of their life together- leaving the other half devestated.

Guilt is a learned emotion, and you see lots of it in religious societies where "guilt" is used as a form of social control, you also see it in societies that were religious (like ours) - primitive societies, unconditioned by centuries of repression, will likely not have much guilt.

By assessing all the facts first before acting impulsively we are not moving to a "safe passage to the grave" rather we are realigning ourselves onto our correct path so we can fulfill our journey through life.

I am not religious, I simply take responsibilty for my actions.

What is the "correct path" as you understand it?

I think that we all take responsibility for our actions. Two persons, given the same circumstances, may take two opposite actions - one may follow the heart the other may follow the dictates of sociey; one is moved by feelings of love and lust, the other by hidden mental conditioning based on fear and punishment.

just thought i would update this. i have seen him a few times in the last couple of weeks and still feel the same, more in fact i think. we have spoken and it appears that he wants me and still loves me. i am finding it a bit difficult to trust him as he has let me down so badly in the past but i have to get over that and deal with the more (only slightly!) grown up version!

thank you 🙂 for all your views they have been an interesting read. personally i believe in monogomy, i just couldnt deal with sharing a person who i loved but i can see if you can, it could be very liberating.

yet another update:

we went flat hunting together last night :D:):D:):D:)

we are both in love again and it is fantastic. i havent been this happy in years. miracles do happen and one has just happened to me. if anyone else is in this situation dont give up, its worth another try!

But what's happened to the other man in your life? I hope you let him down gently.

xxx