Will be 2 years Nov 2025, one sentenced rapist for 8 year term was released after serving 4 years
Was 5 years Feb 2025 since sentencing.
Will be 6 years Nov 2025 since I went to court.
Is 10 years since I re-approached the police.
Will be 21 years Nov since I posted about my rape here on healthy pages.
Was 22 years Jan 2025 since I told my mum.
Was 23 years since I first approached the police.
Will be 37 years since my multiple rapes took place and despite all the dates and times and events above, I still haven’t shared everything that happened to me. The glitches in consciousness, the delay in therapy due to the court case. The delay in the court case because of the nature of the duality of rape.
I am still buried by time and my rapes are not historical.
They have been apart of my whole life and my children’s lives.
I can’t ever get away from them or them away from me.
The price I pay for surviving historical sexual grooming, gang raping and sexual abuse from multiple abusers has defined me.
I’m sure there are motivational quotes that say “my past will not define me!”.
But, I am living proof that it festered in my silence, it was septic in my stillness, it polluted my relationships and haunted my sleep.
It mapped out my parenting and constructed my coping truths. “I’m fine’, “I can help you if you like”, “Hey let me take the stress out of your life I’m used to it in mine”.
There is no freedom coming in the future for me.
I’m tied in knots, my minds in slots, I still hold so many “I will not’s”, I protect those who have been abused. I jammed my life with so many others to protect, it negated my own impossible need to be. It’s not wrong to have done it, I could never have changed my protecting me. I certainly couldn’t change the ones that were meant too.
What I am asking you too do consider if you have had the most difficult of assaults on your body, mind, being, self, soul, sense of self, relationship with others and all the layers of past, present & future are upside down, inside out and back to front. Speak to someone about your north, east, south and west. Tell someone how it used to be, who changed your direction, how they did that, when they did that and above all know that your essence, your pure, loving, non-consenting essence, was always resisting!. Your fight, flight freeze & flop was not a choice, it was a reaction to overwhelming life threatening fear.
I never played dead, I died and wished with all my being I could move. My wish for you is that with all your being you rise up and move as soon as possible. Into your present day and live into a future that doesn’t consume you like mine has. I didn’t have someone to tell, I became everyone someone could.
I am however some what crumpled inside, like a brown paper bag that just wanted some pick & mix and ended up picked and mixed up with rapists, sexual predators and men who use their age, power and control to pick up my body, mix up my mind and think I wouldn’t ever remember.
You will never forget, so please don’t ever regret “speak out and get into you life as soon as you can”.
The longer you are out of it the more difficult it is to ever fit back in.
Love & light x
Survivor