I hope you can help me get some clarity on this.:)
I moved back here to my hometown after 15 years away and all that time had no contact with the family. There were just a few people in my family that genuinely mistreated me for no reason but because of the way I felt and the closeness of the whole family I didn't feel I could remain in contact with most of the family and not the two members invovled as it would have raised to many questions that I didn't want to answer and would definitely have been noted because these were the two members of the family I was the closest to for most of my life...
that's just a bit of background....
Since coming back now see these two members and we do get on very well to a degree but I think deep down we are very different. I believe if we have big problem with someone who irriatates us then they are a mirror to show us something we need to understand or heal within ourselves. As I've got more and more reacqainted with these two people I've realised when I'm with them I feel like I'm being criticised or judged for who I am. It's not obviuos, nothing is directly said but it's just the odd fleeting expression that I catch when I say variuos things.
I've felt very strong in myself and who I am these past few years but lately I feel undermined and it's due to these subtle signals I pick up.
I know that their idea of a sucessful person is one who is fairly well set up financially, owns their own home, has a professional job, has a 'certain' standard of living etc. They only really believe in and place value on the physical aspects of life and what you can see or touch.
I've been concentrating alot on my spiritual side for these past three years and I am aware that now I need to do some practical work on myself re reestablishing some proper financial security, getting back into the working world and putting focus and effort into the physical aspect of life that I've largely neglected on my spiritual journey. I need to do it and I want to do it.
I think I went through a phase where I was scared that if I returned back into this mode I would lose all the benefits gained by all the soul work I have done on myself but have come to realise that all that is 'safe' and won't go away just because I have less time for introspection so that has set me free and made me feel happier about turning my attention to my outer circumstances for a while.
But I look at these people and I don't like the world they live in. It seems very superficial, they are quite boring and mundane because their lives are boring and mundane. There is no inner magic to them. One of them has even said she feels disatisfied as if 'is this it??' is what she feels but if I turn the conversation round to spiritual matters and start to share some of my journey I somehow seem to end up defending myself and my beliefs and it almost feels like I am justifying how I live and like I am trying to convince her of the vaious things I have experienced and lessons I've experienced. Then after I feel angry with myself and think 'why do I go to such great lengths? It's like I'm trying to apologise for who I am and convince people.
So I vow next time just keep talking to them about the mundane stuff they want to talk about but when they express disatisfaction in their lives again I find myself doing it again! It's like I want to help them to wake up and experience the magic that I do but it just leaves me feeling annoyed after for the reasons stated.
I basically have come to the realisation that generally I have different values, goals, and outlook to these people. They have a right to be who they are but so have I.
I am happy with what I've achieved in life as regards my personal journey and have come along way. I don't judge sucess by the car I drive or the house I lve in but these people do. That is up to them but it's very hard not to feel awkward around people you feel are judging you by their own benchmark. It gets to the point where I want to 'show them' compete with them on their own playing field even though this isnt who I am.
So the confusion is this - I just want to gradually break off contact with them because I geninily feel we are just fundamentally different. I want to spend my leisure time with people with a similar outlook to me, people who are aware of their own journey and have a story to tell that involves more than their latest bargain at Matalan and house prices.
But am I wrong to do that? Is that a cop out?Am I meant to hang round these people and learn some sort of lesson? If they are a mirror and are showing me something is it rejecting the lesson if I just 'run away'?Or is it just the plain sensible thing to admit that we are just coming from different places and life is too short to be around people who you have nothing in common with????
Hi Queensmeadgirl
I think you may be misinterpreting the fleeting looks and signals you pick up - they probably feel insecure around you as they can't understand the world in which you now live. Perhaps they are a little envious of your lifestyle, or even scared of you, since you have turned your back on their materialistic values - and this would be difficult for them to understand. It takes courage to go against the flow, and many people won't step outside their comfort zone to follow their true path. And when they do, they are perceived as outsiders..........
I well remember going through exactly the same experience in the '70s. At that time I was a true hippy - I lived a simple life, which was shared at times with a man (and not always the same one) - living together out of wedlock - shock, horror!!! I ate a vegetarian diet (even brown bread was considered with suspicion in those days), and I was an ardent conservationist, cycling everywhere and belonging to Greenpeace, Hunt Saboteurs etc - all familiar and fashionable things to be these days, but not at that time. My values were totally alien to members of my family and I was treated in exactly the same way you describe. I was branded a 'crank' and a 'wierdo' and treated as an outcast, with even my own mother demanding to know why couldn't I be 'normal' like everyone else!
I was happy with my life and refused to be swayed by their criticisms and outright hostility. I remained true to my beliefs, and those who really loved me proved this by accepting me regardless of our differences of lifestyle or opinion. There were, of course, those who ridiculed my every action - but there was no way I was prepared to change my life or beliefs and bend to their bigoted and hostile attitudes.
They may be treating you as an outsider, and even be wary of you, because they no longer have anything in common with you and simply don't know what to say.
Don't change the way you are just to accommodate them - you have a common bond in the fact you are related, but that's it - and you certainly don't have to justify yourself to them. So just be yourself - if you are true to your beliefs you will remain strong. It may be difficult to cope with the hostility, but eventually those who really care will become known to you. The others will never change and aren't worth losing sleep over.
My lifestyle has changed only slightly over the years, and I still refuse to conform to the norm (i.e. materialistic and prejudiced attitudes). Many of my beliefs have thankfully been embraced by today's world - even though it may now be too late to save our planet and threatened species from extinction. I'm still given funny looks at times when I say exactly what I think rather than following the herd, but a surprising number of people have approached me to say how much they have in common with me but were afraid to speak up. My style of dress has always been what the fashionistas call 'boho' so, although this has been criticised, I was actually quite trendy a year or so ago!
At the end of the day it's a matter of being true to yourself - life's too short to put on an act just to keep everyone else happy.
Hope this helps.
Eibhlin
x
I quite agree with both of you. I find I have more in common with friends than family even though I have one of the best families in the world.
Even my mother used to say she couldn't understand me,why I was so different to the rest of the family.
I have a habit of studying people,I find it interesting to watch other's reactions to all kinds of things.
I am quite happy to watch the world go by but on the other hand,I am very particular about certain things. I like cleanliness,I like order in my life but can be a day dreamer as well.
No one has the same character,we all are different and should be allowed to retain our own characteristics,never follow like sheep.
Thankyou both so much for your insightful replies. The main message I heard from both of them is one that I have long embraced which is 'To Thine Own Self Be True'.
My family are not my family as in the blood related sense as I have been an 'outsider' from the start. Long and complicated story. But I have always thought of them as my family though I've always been aware I am just very different from them anyway.
The incident that drove me away was like a bomb exploding in the center of my world. I felt 100% love and loyalty to the two people I mention who are my 'aunty' and her daughter, my 'cousin' who was more like a little sister. But they both treated me in a way that made it very clear that the bottom line was they did NOT consider me as family. In fact it appeared that despite many happy hours in each others company they did not like me that much even! I was shocked to hear my cousin refer to me, the person she had been close as a sister with for all 18 years of her life as 'the lodger' who she doesn't like very much!
I was at that time living with them in their house and that lasted for about 9 months. I was so paranoid I behaved in ways I would never ever dream of and in order to find out once and for all if there was any basis for the feeling eminating from them I even read some of my aunt's diary. It confirmed that my perception was correct. She had written 'Had a great Christmas. Was lovely being surrounded by all my family. *Lisa (my name) spent Christmas at Anne's...like I say...we had a lovely Christmas'. This was a woman I thought of as a second mother.
This was just a massive shock and for a year or so I could not even face up to what actually had happened, so deep was the sense of unreality and disbelief. It affected me for 14 years and I had only just come to terms with it and dealt with it and done a lot of healing when I returned home, not really knowing what to expect but I had gone past the point of caring one way or the othe as the reason for me coming back was nothing to do with my family.
So I started seeing these people again and we do get on well as a whole although not one single word has ever been mentioned about what happened.
But I find myself annoyed with myself that they still can seem to press my buttons as they do! When I lived with themI got very adept at picking up the change of atmosphere when I enetered a room in their house, the barely audible sighs, the barely concealed expressions that used to fleet across their faces or annoyance or irritation.
I know this sounds dramatic but that's how it was.
I thought I was past that yet I still feel they are judging and disaproving of me in some way and I am so annoyed with myself that it bothers me. Why should I care what they think? I can only assume it's because of what happened all those year before and I am not as fully healed as I thought I was.
And as I say , on top of that, I don't share their goals and values and their general life preference anyway!!
I don't want to feel like I am running away from a situation but I genuinely feel there is nothing to be gained from making efforts to continue any sort of close friendship. I cannot say they make me feel bad about myself as no one can make you feel anything bad about yourself unless you let them but I DO feel bad about myself alot of the time when I am around them.
I feel the brave thing would be to stick around until I've figured it out and got to the root of it and they no longer have this effect on me but then in another way I just want to be free to enjoy who I am and be happy and be free to express myself as I really am without feeling self conscious and hanging around them trying to prove a point is doing me no good. I just want to wish them well and let them go and take myself away from their influence.
But IS that a cop out???
Its sounds like to have acceptance from them would mean so much to you queensmeadgirl. They may not be your "blood family" but they sound like you 'family of origin' and this is an important emotional and mind tie.
You mention right at the end of your post that they are influencing you and yet you remain firm in your beliefs that you have struggled to attain and your new way of being is so precious to you. How can they influence you or is it just that the being around them homes in on this judged feeling and the need to be accepted, which is a basic human need.
They way you choose to go now is in no way a cop out im sure you have learnt on your journey that any way taken is the way that needs to be taken and that way is in no way finite or unchangable in itself there are more ways to skin a cat :_)
YOU WROTE "I basically have come to the realisation that generally I have different values, goals, and outlook to these people. They have a right to be who they are but so have I."
"I am happy with what I've achieved in life as regards my personal journey and have come along way. I don't judge sucess by the car I drive or the house I lve in but these people do. That is up to them but it's very hard not to feel awkward around people you feel are judging you by their own benchmark. It gets to the point where I want to 'show them' compete with them on their own playing field even though this isnt who I am"
"But I look at these people and I don't like the world they live in. It seems very superficial, they are quite boring and mundane because their lives are boring and mundane. There is no inner magic to them."
Im wondering if you see anything here to reflect and learn from can you see what is being mirrored to you?
it's very hard not to feel awkward around people you feel are judging you by their own benchmark
Maybe this is how they feel too.
Just a thought.
But it's not a cop out to move on and away from people with whom you no longer resonate. People come into our lives and go out again. We all interact. They will have learned from you just as you have learned from them. Let go of all judgement. You have no need to try to awaken anyone else. It will happen or not for them when their time is right. If you are to act as unconscious catalyst in their awakening, then so be it. But don't try to do so consciously. If anyone asks you what you've been up to, talk to them on their own level. This I've heard is the Sufi way. Detach. Don't get sucked into all this drama. Move on.
Good luck.
With love
Sunanda xxx
thankyou so much for your replies - it has helped me immensly
I was aware really that, whatever else is going on here, I am being very judgemental. It's not an attractive quality to recognise in yourself but when it is mirrored back to you this strongly you can't ignore it.
Thankyou for being so honest with me. I can see my behaviour and I do own it and funnily enough, somehow I already feel different and more at peace with the situation...in short I feel more balanced and like my normal self.
I have just come back from an afternoon spent this evening with the very person I have been telling you about. I had a quiet word with myself before I went to just go with flow, be myself and suspend all judgement and you know what....we had such a lovely time. It was very relaxed and natural and all the communication was 'honest'.
Then I come back on to this forum to see what other replies have left and they all say exactly what I needed to hear - the truth as I know it deep down.
So what if we are different? And why do I place this burden on myself to try and get them to 'wake up'? As you say, if they awaken they will do it in their own time. It's not for me to push the process on them. To live by example is always the best way and if that does end up having an impact on them in a positive way then that's a wonderful thing but it must not be forced or planned. Besides...forcing it is too much hard work and I want an easy life!!:)
I think I have been trying to deny my own vulnerablility but in a sense it's important to say 'soft and green ' and not see vulnerabliility as a weakness. It's actually a strength. I think the judgemental side of me coming out is to do with the hard protective shell I try to erect around myself each time I see them to prevent them from getting too close as subconsciously I am afraid they will hurt me all over again. So having the wall means I have to justify having the wall so my mind must find fault with them to make myself right for keeping them at arms length but the truth is I'm just scared.
So I now intend to continue in the spirit of this afternoon - it obviously works. I do feel that because of the the work I've done on myself I am strong enough to make myself vulnerable, if that makes sense.
They may prove to be very loyal to me or they may hurt me all over again but I know I can cope either way. I feel I've doubted myself alot over this and imagined that I my whole world would collapse if they rejected me again but the truth is that it wouldn't.
I am not the person I was all those years ago when the event happened. I had no sense of self, no reserves of inner strength to fall back on. I was hollow and weak inside and my strength and self approval rested purely on what others thought of me and how they treated me.
When that went wrong that was the start of my journey to find my way back to myself and tap into the inner strength that was somewhere burined inside.
So the truth is these two people have been THE most instrumental in bringing me to where I am today and who I am today and that is someone that I'm proud to be and happier than I have ever been!They were the catalyst for that change and that is a humbling thought.
I believe in soul contracts and so believe that these people are extremely special in terms of what they agreed to do to serve my soul purpose. I can't help but feel love and gratitude welling up for them when I think of them in those terms. I owe them a lot.
Oh great stuff, girl! This sort of revelation has happened to me a couple of times, always when I've finally 'let go' of all the stress and tension and control. Then it's wonderful and you get this very real sense of the universe just holding you up as you float with the current. And you realise you've been holding your breath and can finally let it all go....Of course you have a contract with these people...but contracts can be temporary and can also be renegotiated. We all evolve all the time...but at different speeds.
I was struck by this, though:
They may prove to be very loyal to me or they may hurt me all over again but I know I can cope either way.
And they may just get on with doing their own thing, you being peripheral in their lives rather than a central pivot. No?
Anyway, it all sounds very positive and I couldn't be happier for you. Onwards and upwards.
Love
Sunanda xxx
Thankyou Sunanda! Yes I do feel like I was holding my breath and now am breathing easy again.
The funny thing is I wondering WHY I was asking if it was a cop out to 'run away' from the situation. Now I've got a clearer head it seems that I knew that just getting away from the situation was not the right answer though it seemed easier and far more appealing than the alternative!! Now I'm glad I found the lesson within the situation. If I ran away I would only meet the same scenario in another place with other people until I faced up to it - how exhausting!!
This is just typical of other realisations I've had over the years as this journey has unfolded. I was having a moan only the other day that things had gotten a bit 'flat' and nothing magical seemed to be happening...I feel perked up now!:)
and the pieces just keep fitting together xxxx You take care of you
I was having a moan only the other day that things had gotten a bit 'flat' and nothing magical seemed to be happening
That sounds oh so familiar!:) I think we're cheeky really - expecting non-stop magic. If it happened all the time, we'd become very blase wouldn't we?
What really matters?
Hi Queensmeadgirl,
Confession time! I do not know the answers! But I do know someone who does!
You!
Let's take your statements in the original post, one at a time!
I know that their idea of a sucessful person is one who is fairly well set up financially, owns their own home, has a professional job, has a 'certain' standard of living etc. They only really believe in and place value on the physical aspects of life and what you can see or touch.
It's not that uncommon, is it?
But you have to walk away from that! I do!
The value of a person is not in what they have but what they are!
But you do need a certain level of financial security to achieve the bigger things in life!
now I need to do some practical work on myself re re-establishing some proper financial security, ...
in a word, yes!
How can you renounce something that you have never had?
I was scared that if I returned back into this mode I would lose all the benefits gained by all the soul work...
Please, don't be!
The soul work is at a higher plane than the material world.
It IS indestructible!
Be very sure of that!
They have a right to be who they are but so have I.
YES, indeed!
But am I wrong to do that? Is that a cop out?
NO. And NO.
just the plain sensible thing to admit that we are just coming from different places and life is too short to be around people who you have nothing in common with????
YES. And YES.
Live long and prosper.
Prashna