85 year old grandma is being taken advantage of, how do I stop it??

Have you confronted the girlfriend about this lie? If not, I suggest you do so, i.e. in front of your grandmother and, if possible, another witness there. I am not sure who you could appeal to since it is not a crime so much as a moral issue. If you know the girlfriend's parents then this would be a good way to threaten to name and shame.

What does your mother say about this situation?

Talk to Social Services? If your Grandma is being manipulated by an individual who is not a family member, then she should be treated as a Vulnerable Adult, and the authorities should intervene and assist. Also, the local council where the girlfriend rents property, will not be impressed if she is no longer resident.

Agree with Jabba.

If you want clear advice about what can be done or who to talk to, call 101 to speak to your local police (that's the non-emergency number) and they should be able to advise you, considering the Police have to deal with Vulnerable Adults and others as part of what they do. They work alongside other agencies, as these things are part of a "multi-agency" nature to be dealt with, so could involve the police, social services, local council etc.

Thanks for the above posts. When I made my post I had no idea about Vulnerable Adults. Forums are informative!

Hi All

Currently I am feeling quite sick to the stomach as I am quite sure my 85 year old grandma is being taken advantage of by her other grandson who only cares about himself and disrespects others. What has happened is that our mum is going through a rocky divorce and she does not really know about whether to finalise it on not, even though she has left her husband many times threatening to leave him from when I was 9 years old! and I am now 31 years old.

Grandma’s other grandson has been living with her for 1 year and 3 months now and of course so has mum as I managed to get a council flat. For about 2 months now his girlfriend has been living with him in grandma’s house who he has known for only 5 months! Grandma (Who does have some sort of Alzheimer’s as she forgets what we had talked about previously after 10 minutes or so have passed and forgets where she is sometimes etc.) has been allowing this to happen.

What really annoys me is not only the fact that I had been living with my grandparents for 16 years and was not allowed to bring a girlfriend back home with me or have sex with her in my bedroom like Grandma’s other grandson is doing and was not allowed to do in his parent’s house! But his girlfriend is sponging off of grandma when it comes to eating her food, using her water, electric and gas and grandma buying her toiletries to use every day! Especially when she has a perfectly good council flat of her own, so why can’t he live in his girlfriend’s flat and help to pay for his upkeep instead!?

I have tried to confront grandma as we both talked about this yesterday and she says that her other grandson’s girlfriend gives her £200 per month but I could tell that she was blatantly lying to me as her grandson does not pay her any money towards his upkeep! Even though like his girlfriend has a job and gets paid minimum wage which is a liveable wage. Since I was at a legal wage to work I gave my grandparents money for my upkeep.

What can I do to protect grandma? as she is the vulnerable party! and even she says that her money is going down pretty quickly!!

Looking forward to your replies.

All the best,

Oliver

Have you contacted Age Concern, as I am sure they will be able to advise you.

Amy Green: Thanks for your informative questions it is appreciated, about 2 weeks after posting this thread I had a word with my mum over the telephone about the other grandson’s girlfriend living situation at grandma’s and she said to me that his girlfriend was sometimes going over to grandma’s to stay and was paying a certain amount of money to her. I asked her how much to confirm the amount that grandma had told me but she went all defensive and said it has got nothing to do with her as it is between them both how much money the girlfriend should give grandma.

But then said she has it all under control and that I should trust her!? I thought fair enough as sometimes means 2 or 3 days a week staying over at grandma’s. Another Two weeks down the line I turned up at grandma’s for a roast meal and after I went upstairs to go to the toilet I had a little nosy in grandma’s spare bedroom as I saw a new wardrobe. I wish I had not opened it up as instead of seeing grandma’s collection or shall I say obsession of wool, there behold was the other grandson’s girlfriends winter/summer coats, shoes and slippers, jumpers, tops, makeup bags and toiletry bags, no doubt the rest of her stuff is in the grandson’s bedroom!

Also I heard grandma and mum talking in the kitchen quietly and heard them say that the girlfriend was staying at grandma’s every other day!! Unfortunately if I did confront the girlfriend about the lie she would deny it and would make herself look like the victim and vulnerable one as that is what manipulators do, I only know because of monitoring the other grandson’s actions as he is an expert at manipulation.

It is annoying as I do not know her parents but sounds like she never got on with them and that is why she lives in a council flat being only 21 years old, which makes you think that the only reason why she left was because she was not getting her own way but made it sound like to the council that she was being neglected by her parents.

Jabba The Hut: Thanks for your inspired comment about “the local council where the girlfriend rents property, will not be impressed if she is no longer resident.” as I contacted my Local Council and told them what was going on about the girlfriend and they had said it sounds like inoccupation to them and that I would be protected and be kept anonymous when it comes to my report. So I reported the girlfriend and gave them all of the evidence including photographic evidence.

Just last Sunday I found her home address on a letter she left on the dining room table and emailed that to my Local Council as well even though they passed the report onto another Local Council as they do not cover the area in which she lives at. Just counting down the weeks now until I hear back from my Local Council as they said to me that I would be notified about what happens after the investigation. They are not kidding when they say silence is deadly and there is always quietness before the storm, but I am trying to wait patiently.

Energylz and GeeBee: Thanks for the information about contacting 101, Age Concern and also contacting Social Services like Jabba mentioned but as Amy Green said and I agree with that the situation is a moral issue and would be seen to the police as a domestic problem. Which they would look into but then would see it as a moral problem as grandma is allowing another person to stay at her house and that she can do anything she likes with her money as it is legally hers to do with as she pleases and sees fit.

Plan B is to involve a friend of hers who she respects and even she said to me what grandma sometimes does is immoral when it comes to how she uses her inheritance (money) from her husband and if she can help let her know which I will do as grandma seems to listen to her more and with grandma and family actions speak louder than words.

I will keep you guys posted in what happens next as even I do not know what is going to happen next.....

I think its good that you involved your mum in this as obviously she is one generation closer to your Nan. It does sound like a difficult situation, have you spoke to the other grandson himself about it?

Energylz and GeeBee: Thanks for the information about contacting 101, Age Concern and also contacting Social Services like Jabba mentioned but as Amy Green said and I agree with that the situation is a moral issue and would be seen to the police as a domestic problem. Which they would look into but then would see it as a moral problem as grandma is allowing another person to stay at her house and that she can do anything she likes with her money as it is legally hers to do with as she pleases and sees fit.

Not if they consider her to be vulnerable. If she can prove she's of completely sound mind then sure, they may say that, but at that age, they would have to assess her and see if people are really taking advantage of her. Many police forces and the agencies they work with are working harder in recent years to help tackle issues around vulnerable adults, especially after all the scandals in care homes and suchlike.

Calling 101 isn't necessarily just to ask the police to come to you as a non-emergency, but can also be used to seek advice as to whether such action would be necessary or who may be a better agency to speak to. They can advise whether it's something they may get involved in, or whether you're better contacting social services or someone else etc. in the first instance.

Has there been a Social Services assessment? Also does your grandma require any home help due to her Alzheimer's? Also has a power of attorney been appointed for your gran in case her condition deteriorates.

In addition to the above, I also think that the pair of them need confronting. Although see if this can be done with other family members who feel the same.

You should talk to social services, or at least look into proper clinical homecare to ensure she is adequately looked after and something like this doesn't happen again. There's some good information on that here: https://www.alcura-health.com/web/patients/services/specialized-medicines-and-home-equipment

In the meantime, I would also suggest talking to the girlfriend and grandson together, and catch them out on their mis-truth. As you've said, they should be contributing something if she works. Does he work too?