He only eats what falls from trees.....he is on a dead squirrel diet! 
"Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?" - Dan Antolpolski
A woman remarking on her dress to Groucho
"oh, this dress? Just something I threw on"
"Yeah, you almost missed!" 
"Doctor, doctor - I keep losing my memory"
"I see. When did this first happen?"
"When did what first happen?" 
On getting older...."do I look 55?" "Not anymore" 
"I tried to blow out the candles on the cake but the heat drove me back!" 
"Doctor, doctor I keep thinking I'm a piglet!"
"Hmmm....how long have you felt like this?"
"About a weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekk!"
In New York someone gets mugged every 3 minutes...and he's getting pretty fed up with it!
When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
When playing charades....
What do you call a lesbian with long fingernails? .......single!