Perhaps the title should say: 'Looking for a Vocation', because in my mind, it's always meant the same thing.
I've always felt myself to be clever and posess many creative talents, but not clever or creative enough when it comes to using them. I'm a strange mixture of thinking too well of myself but thinking I'm a rubbish failure at the same time.
My life has been a series of false-starts.
I've had so many friends who've said to me, 'You're so lucky.... you're so good at this or good at that.... why don't you do this or that for a living...?' The trouble is, I end up thinking I'm not good enough, stumble at the first hurdle and give up.
When I was little I wanted to be a book illustrator. Then that changed to graphic design, which is what I do now, for mostly family and friends. I was told at college by a lecturer that I could get into one of the top art colleges in London. I failed to get into even a mediocre one. My heart just left graphic design. I don't even enjoy drawing that much. either, even though I'm good at it. I enjoy designing birthday cards for my friends, but then, I'm not sure if that would be right for me to do full time.
Then I had the idea of learning refexology. And for most of last year I wanted to be a past-life therapist.
I've thought of doing a degree in Egyptology. At one time I wanted to restore antiques.
I can't seem to find anything which 'clicks'.
It's probably why I've been ill for so long. But now I'm starting to get physically better and I HAVE to find a way to make money and it HAS to be something I enjoy doing. I'm too apt to get depressed and dissillusioned. I have to use these talents I've got. I'm looking for some sort of meaning to my life. I'm so confused.
The latest thing that I 'want' to do is write and illustrate children's book. It would be the animal poems I write tons of with lots of pictures.
But how long will it be before I give up on that idea??
I know that none of you can give me the answer. I just wish I knew how to find the answer. Is there an answer???? Or am I always going to feel like I've wasted my abilities?
Sorry for the rant...
Tiger.
RE: Looking for meaning.
What a great post Tigerlily!
I relate to what you are saying. I used to say to myself when i felt like that 'i have more options than sense to choose one and really pursue it'
There is an answer and you will find it, and every endeavour you touch on brings you closer.
The trying out of all and sundry is something im also familiar with! You just keep going and one day, the 'answer' will land for you, and you'll find that every step was necessary to get there...
so just keep at it! And I know it can be disheartening and demoralising, but what else can any of us do but pick ourselves up from a moments despair and rally ourselves with our souls cry and charge again at that mystery that is our lives!
with much love and support
Darren
x
RE: Looking for meaning.
Hey there Tigerlily, I could see so much of me in your post... Like yourself, I'm a 'dabbler', a jack of all trades, master of none... and I'm so much the better for it! I never had a career, I have so many interests it's impossible for one person to do them all to their fullest, I have a history of self-sabotage like yourself...
You know what my answer was? To learn to go Within. To listen to my heart and my spirit and see the themes in my life. For instance, I suddenly realised that in all my different jobs and some interests - healing, counselling, etc - the theme which emerged was one of serving and helping people. Me, the shy person, had made a career out of helping others! Now I'm tiptoing toward teaching/sharing my knowledge in a more formal way, so there's one path to follow but there are many pieces of the puzzle still to find a place.
Your theme, going by your post, is creativity. You have worked with design, with illustration, with helping others... there is a seed there. Find it. Water and feed it. Look at your habit of 'blowing up on the launch pad' (my pattern for most of my life) and do what needs to be done to clear this. I'm willing to bet it's linked to childhood fears and a troubled inner child...
If you ask your heart what is best for you and work to clarify and build a foundation around it, I bet you will start to find a true vision for your life - and the money will follow, as when we are 'in the flow', everything we need comes to us.
Good luck with your path. Confusion is good - it clears away false certainties and allows us to experiment! 😀 Cast any doubts into the fire of cleansing and start writing those list of talents!!
Blessings
Otter
RE: Looking for meaning.
Well I was going to ay You have your answer its with in you. But Otter beat me to it ;)......... Hunni you are as good as you say.. you are as good as. you feel, it's just outside influance that stops you .
Believe in & trust your guidance. It doesant matter if you have tried & tried no not failed , we dont fail we learn what we're ment to even if it's just a partial lesson. keep your faith in yourself Tigerlily.. you will find your calling
Walk gently in love light & peace Maria xxx .
RE: Looking for meaning.
Thankyou all!! It's good to know that I'm not the only one who has felt/feels like this.
I know what my strengths are but I'm held back by my weaknesses. Not only that, I've never felt compelled to commit myself to something, but I've always felt that there must be something out there for me to do, in the way that some people believe in soul-mates. I feel like I'm here for a reason, I just don't know what!!! That's kind of silly, because I guess we are all here for a reason, but inside I'm longing to find this purpose. I'm not after being rich or famous or anything like that, just a sense of doing something which I can feel proud of.
There are aspects of myself which I feel proud of, but I want to feel pride in putting them to good use.
Darren, I hope you are right, that the answer will land for me. At one time I thought, ok, so everything I do is a stepping stone to something else, only I think my stepping stones go round in a circle and I end up getting confused and stepping on some more that once!!! But I believe you are right, I'm just waiting for things to make sense.
Otter, what can I say? We sound similar! You are right that I'm attracted to doing creative things. I'm very good at making things, too. I'm also good at learning and researching things, often being driven to find answers. Hence this post!! Go within... I'll try....
Maria, thanks for your support. Having faith in myself is one of my issues. I don't always. And I do have issues with failure. But as you say, it's not failure, really. This is one of the things that puts me off trying to write childrens' books. Will I give up at the first rejection? Am I kidding myself; being up against people who've only ever wanted to write childrens' books, if it's their passion? I think that about anything I do. There'll always be other people who are more committed, who deserve things more.
I'll just try to be patient, it's all I can do. And keep going with my research. Whenever I'm interested in something, I do lots of reading up on it.
One day, I'll find 'the thing'.
Thanks again,
Tiger.