Relationships & Wellbeing

Garypow3hrs welcome here!

Our relationship with others are nothing but an echo of our relationship with ourselves.

In essence you are relating to yourself with confusion, lack of support, lack of clarity...feeling depleted in doing so and then turning to the reflection and trying to clean it up.

In this dynamic helplessness, frustration, blame, victimization( of others or oneself ) kicks in.
Now it would be real tricky situation, if one had to mend all others before they could be peaceful. Luckily, the other is a reflection of YOU. Don't run after shadow trying to rectify it. What can be achieved chasing after the unreal?

Sit with you. Connect with your own feelings, learn to feel, allow and move them. Know your own thoughts, see them what they are doing to you. Become aware of how is your inner narrative hell bent against your own peace. Relax and see the subtle game of self sabotage....all that. And it is not daunting if you learn to enjoy your own cicus. Your own circus is the most entertaining and custom-made entertainment especially conjured up just for you. Engage with you. She/he/they/them/the whole world changes as you connect deeply within.

Troublecis life demands engagement, but we are hell bent on correcting our lives. We just keep analyzing and judging our lives. We are doing exact opposite to what settles us. Then wonder why life sucks. Engage with you, engage with your situation, your own mind. you will, as a result, gradually start engaging with her. In that you will be both fulfilled.

We are just not totally present. We are scattered, scrambled, here there and everywhere....how can there be harmony? An orchestra playing different keys, different, notes....cacophony! You will walk away from such a concert yet that's the manner in which we live our lives, but think nothing of it.
Fine tune with you, forget others....' the other'comes right when you do

May life be engaged with

Hi and welcome to the forum!

It's not clear whether Amelia has recently become more critical or whether it is more a case of you being more affected by this. Has she changed a lot recently or, do you think, you are seeing the real Amelia more clearly? It would be crucial to know if you plan to marry.

When you say breakdown what do you mean? Crying or is it more than that? If your reaction is more/disproportionate to what has occurred, i.e. clearly really badly affected then she should be comforting and reassuring you that she didn't mean to upset you so badly.

What comes across clearly to me is the lack of support you feel from her but, equally, she is feeling insecure i.e. testing your love. Since you are engaged this is (to some degree) to be expected. When she said you betrayed her, did you try to reassure her and show her your love? Just feeling wounded wouldn't solve/heal such a situation since she is also hurting. Have you apologised for not discussing the car with her and reassured her that she will be included in future discussions of this nature? That may well be what she is seeking. If you have done this and she still didn't want you to come over for the weekend well, that is cold and game playing.

It does feel like she is trying to mould you/change you which isn't loving. To say you can't come over because you put your car before sounds childish! Do you feel loved by her? Is what you describe something that is getting worse, i.e. bigger hurdles? Could it be make or break time? So many questions....

Amy Green, I am always amazed at how beautifully you put the written language together. Crowan, Giles, jnani and yourself truly have a gift for writing. I completely agree with your keen observation of this situation. I would say that is the time to make or break?

Hi and welcome to the forum!

It's not clear whether Amelia has recently become more critical or whether it is more a case of you being more affected by this. Has she changed a lot recently or, do you think, you are seeing the real Amelia more clearly? It would be crucial to know if you plan to marry.

When you say breakdown what do you mean? Crying or is it more than that? If your reaction is more/disproportionate to what has occurred, i.e. clearly really badly affected then she should be comforting and reassuring you that she didn't mean to upset you so badly.

What comes across clearly to me is the lack of support you feel from her but, equally, she is feeling insecure i.e. testing your love. Since you are engaged this is (to some degree) to be expected. When she said you betrayed her, did you try to reassure her and show her your love? Just feeling wounded wouldn't solve/heal such a situation since she is also hurting. Have you apologised for not discussing the car with her and reassured her that she will be included in future discussions of this nature? That may well be what she is seeking. If you have done this and she still didn't want you to come over for the weekend well, that is cold and game playing.

It does feel like she is trying to mould you/change you which isn't loving. To say you can't come over because you put your car before sounds childish! Do you feel loved by her? Is what you describe something that is getting worse, i.e. bigger hurdles? Could it be make or break time? So many questions....

I have had further thoughts on this matter, e.g. principally with digesting jnani's approach. It is interesting because I regard myself as spiritually focused but I see that I offer my psychological/interactive thoughts/solutions whereas jnani's post is about focusing deeply on self - that once the feelings are explored and there is learning, then externals (e.g. his fiancee, Amelia) will 'come right'.

Principally the core of our differing approaches is that I see the problem as an interactive one, i.e. to be as much about her behaviour and reactions as to what Gary did. I realise this is not my thread, but it might also help Gary, when I say that I doubt whether focusing just on self will have a follow through in resolving the problem. Certainly it will lead to less stress but Amelia has her own agenda and feelings. Unless learning about his own feelings means that he resolves to change (in a way that he hasn't outlined that he will), then all that is learnt is about karma, i.e. that causes have consequences, that doing what she dislikes causes problems in their relationships.

There clearly needs to be better communication, e.g. when she wouldn't open up about what was wrong. Why? Was it because Gary was in so much pain too? Closing off feelings is unhealthy to a relationship, especially one that is on the brink of marriage. Holding back can be game playing/maintaining power - the upper hand so this needs to be looked into. Maybe the relationship was not one based on being equals; this is often the case when the love is not on the same level. If Gary loves Amelia more than vice versa then it makes sense that she has been calling the shots. If so, clearly the time has come when he is now unhappy about this.

He talks of being manipulated and so I sense resolving to change is not the answer here i.e. that he feels his character is being suppressed. So this brings up what I tried to shed light on in my previous post, notably, that HER karma/feelings of self are impacting destructively on what they have. Ultimately you can be as centred and as empowered as you like but if the person you are having a relationship with is starting to constantly jar and show disharmony....then something in the shared relationship needs addressing i.e. not just with self.

Your thoughts on this relationship are profound. I appreciate greatly this post. After reading it several times makes me realize how much I need to revisit and revise my thinking in many situations.
Much grateful to you Amy.

I have had further thoughts on this matter, e.g. principally with digesting jnani's approach. It is interesting because I regard myself as spiritually focused but I see that I offer my psychological/interactive thoughts/solutions whereas jnani's post is about focusing deeply on self - that once the feelings are explored and there is learning, then externals (e.g. his fiancee, Amelia) will 'come right'.

Principally the core of our differing approaches is that I see the problem as an interactive one, i.e. to be as much about her behaviour and reactions as to what Gary did. I realise this is not my thread, but it might also help Gary, when I say that I doubt whether focusing just on self will have a follow through in resolving the problem. Certainly it will lead to less stress but Amelia has her own agenda and feelings. Unless learning about his own feelings means that he resolves to change (in a way that he hasn't outlined that he will), then all that is learnt is about karma, i.e. that causes have consequences, that doing what she dislikes causes problems in their relationships.

There clearly needs to be better communication, e.g. when she wouldn't open up about what was wrong. Why? Was it because Gary was in so much pain too? Closing off feelings is unhealthy to a relationship, especially one that is on the brink of marriage. Holding back can be game playing/maintaining power - the upper hand so this needs to be looked into. Maybe the relationship was not one based on being equals; this is often the case when the love is not on the same level. If Gary loves Amelia more than vice versa then it makes sense that she has been calling the shots. If so, clearly the time has come when he is now unhappy about this.

He talks of being manipulated and so I sense resolving to change is not the answer here i.e. that he feels his character is being suppressed. So this brings up what I tried to shed light on in my previous post, notably, that HER karma/feelings of self are impacting destructively on what they have. Ultimately you can be as centred and as empowered as you like but if the person you are having a relationship with is starting to constantly jar and show disharmony....then something in the shared relationship needs addressing i.e. not just with self.

Your thoughts on this relationship are profound. I appreciate greatly this post. After reading it several times makes me realize how much I need to revisit and revise my thinking in many situations.
Much grateful to you Amy.

Thanks! It has been on my mind, i.e. trying to see the bigger picture and how best it could be resolved. I forgot to add that relationship counselling could well prove beneficial - bringing an area of expertise into the mix - since, presumably, they both envisage a life together in marriage and are clearly both struggling (and suffering) to make it work currently.

Amy, you are so correct! Relationships are extremely complex and ever changing. Relationship counseling in their belief system is very beneficial. Finding common ground in a relationship at times can be quite painful and requires a lot of resolve. Thank you again for your word of wisdom and understanding.

Thanks! It has been on my mind, i.e. trying to see the bigger picture and how best it could be resolved. I forgot to add that relationship counselling could well prove beneficial - bringing an area of expertise into the mix - since, presumably, they both envisage a life together in marriage and are clearly both struggling (and suffering) to make it work currently.

I have had further thoughts on this matter, e.g. principally with digesting jnani's approach. It is interesting because I regard myself as spiritually focused but I see that I offer my psychological/interactive thoughts/solutions whereas jnani's post is about focusing deeply on self - that once the feelings are explored and there is learning, then externals (e.g. his fiancee, Amelia) will 'come right'.

Yes, an interesting difference. However, I would consider neither answer to be spiritually focused. Both are 'psychological' - Jnani's being internal and yours external (to a degree, since neither can stand alone.)
Surely a 'spiritual' approach would have to include spirits or Spirit?
Of course, getting oneself sorted is a first step. And having done that, Garypow3hrs would know whether staying or leaving Amelia were the best way to be true to himself. But that could be done by connecting with his own feelings or by sitting down and talking or by seeing a counsellor. And there are many other ways.
Mine would be to involve spirits and do shamanic counselling - possibly accompanied by shamanic healing.

But the important thing - and something that shines out of both your advice and Jnani's - is a lack of blame, a lack of 'fault'.

Yes, an interesting difference. However, I would consider neither answer to be spiritually focused. Both are 'psychological' - Jnani's being internal and yours external (to a degree, since neither can stand alone.)
Surely a 'spiritual' approach would have to include spirits or Spirit?
Of course, getting oneself sorted is a first step. And having done that, Garypow3hrs would know whether staying or leaving Amelia were the best way to be true to himself. But that could be done by connecting with his own feelings or by sitting down and talking or by seeing a counsellor. And there are many other ways.
Mine would be to involve spirits and do shamanic counselling - possibly accompanied by shamanic healing.

But the important thing - and something that shines out of both your advice and Jnani's - is a lack of blame, a lack of 'fault'.

Jnani does include the spiritual dimension, i.e. by saying that our relationship with others is an echo of our relationship with self (the inner journey/exploration/development). It's about karma. I don't share her trust that, having explored and learnt from inner feelings, that the 'externals' then come right since there are many other influencing factors involved e.g. in this case, Amelia's needs.

I tend to associate contact with spirits with spiritualism although I know people contact beings/energies etc that have not passed over. I have no need for an outside guide since my developed intuition gives me all the help I require. It's a rich source of deep knowledge that is always right (and to be distinguished from gut instinct - I have done research into the difference).

Garypow3rs....are you about? 🙂

Yeah, Garypow3rs where are you..what do you feel or think?