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A man's point of view


karenj04
Posts: 42
Topic starter
(@karenj04)
Eminent Member
Joined: 19 years ago

Hi,

I am wondering if the men on this forum can give me some advce regarding my boyfriend. I am 41 and he is 47 we got together through work and he had just split up from his girlfriend and i had split up from my husband. We started out as really good friends and things developed from there. At first he would kiss me with passion and when we had sex it was really good. However three years on he kisses me on the lips like he's kissing his sister and our sex life has become one of frustration for me. He either falls asleep when we go to bed or when we do get physical he can't come and sometimes he can't get an erection. I have tried most things to get the spark back but nothing. We don't live together so it does make it easier for me. I have broached the subject of us moving in together but he doesn't give me theh impression that he want's to. When i asked him about it he says he loves me and that he does want us to be together. In three years though I have never met any of his family and feel like i am just a hidden secret. I don't know wether he is still in love with his ex girlfriend and I am just something to fill the void in his life. i know that he still keeps in touch with her by text and the other day I found out that he had written her best friend a cheque for £1k because she is in dire straits which he hasn't told me about yet neither has he told me about the text message that he sent her saying that hearing from her was music to his ears. AM I BEING TAKEN FOR AN IDIOT ????????????????????

15 Replies
myarka
Posts: 5221
(@myarka)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 14 years ago

Hi Karen,

I'll be totally blunt with you from how I see it;

- Make sure he's really left his ex
- Is he a smoker?
- Is he overweight?
- Does he drink a lot?
- Has he got a lot of stress in his life?
- Baggage has formed his relationship beliefs

These all cause the problems you're experiencing. If not, then he should take a trip to the GP for a once over. I could be totally wrong, but in relationships actions speak louder than words.

Myarka.

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karenj04
Posts: 42
Topic starter
(@karenj04)
Eminent Member
Joined: 19 years ago

Thank you for your quick response and to just answer some of your questions

- Make sure he's really left his ex - ?????????????
- Is he a smoker? - Gave up 10 yrs ago
- Is he overweight? - Slightly
- Does he drink a lot? - Started to drink every night - 2 glasses of wine
- Has he got a lot of stress in his life? - Unemployed at the mo.

I do agree actions do speak louder than words. I know because my ex had an affair which lead to the break up of my marriage. Which is making me feel like I'm looking for something that might not be there due to my past baggage.

When we were having the conversation the other day I did ask why he has never told me why they split up and his response was that when you're heart gets destroyed you don't want to talk about it. Yet I had the same thing happen to me but I don't hide it away it's just part of my life and nothing to be ashamed of.

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myarka
Posts: 5221
(@myarka)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 14 years ago

Thank you for your quick response and to just answer some of your questions

- Make sure he's really left his ex - ?????????????
- Is he a smoker? - Gave up 10 yrs ago
- Is he overweight? - Slightly
- Does he drink a lot? - Started to drink every night - 2 glasses of wine
- Has he got a lot of stress in his life? - Unemployed at the mo.

I do agree actions do speak louder than words. I know because my ex had an affair which lead to the break up of my marriage. Which is making me feel like I'm looking for something that might not be there due to my past baggage.

When we were having the conversation the other day I did ask why he has never told me why they split up and his response was that when you're heart gets destroyed you don't want to talk about it. Yet I had the same thing happen to me but I don't hide it away it's just part of my life and nothing to be ashamed of.

Hi Karen,

Thank you for your openess, and I think stress is the major part of what's happening. I think it would help if he saw his GP, and I do understand that it may be difficult to persuade him to go. Men don't like opening up, but his GP may be able to refer him for some talking therapy that will help him work through this difficult time.

Sorry if I sounded a bit blunt earlier,

Myarka.

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Venetian
Posts: 10419
(@venetian)
Illustrious Member
Joined: 19 years ago

Hi Karen,

Don't take anything you read in response on a public forum like this too deeply, as what can any of us really know? But not having met any of his family in three years sounds like a real lack of commitment, not to introduce you ... except (it's what I mean about net forum advice) how can we here know if he has much family or sees them himself anyway?

Another thing which struck me was not wanting to live together (if that's how it really is). Once more, that would sound to me as being someone who may never commit more deeply, and who much likes plenty of time to himself, including I presume his own single home. Why would that change?

So forum advice can stimulate your own thinking, definitely. But always sift it, as I may have the wrong end of the stick.

Venetian xx

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curious_george
Posts: 530
(@curious_george)
Honorable Member
Joined: 14 years ago

When we were having the conversation the other day I did ask why he has never told me why they split up and his response was that when you're heart gets destroyed you don't want to talk about it. Yet I had the same thing happen to me but I don't hide it away it's just part of my life and nothing to be ashamed of.

Hi karen

Firstly, I agree with V, you know the situation better than others on here who can offer advice, but it is up to you to sort out which advice works for you.

Secondly, from your quote above, it strikes me that even if he is not still in love with his ex, he is still recovering from the hurt... seems he may have carried some baggage into your relationship from his past relationship, that he will need to work through at some point before he can really commit to any new relationships. Just my 2 cents though.

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vicki
Posts: 807
(@vicki)
Prominent Member
Joined: 19 years ago

hi karen

sorry another female response 😉

i feel a bit silly giving other people relationship advice as mine is a total mess but it is so much easier seeing other peoples troubles than your own. i agree dont take everything to heart from here but other peoples viewpoints are food for thought.

as far as the bedroom goes i think women see it so differently to men, not all men but alot do see it as sex whereas i think women wrap up so much more in it. ie they dont find me attractive, dont love me anymore etc etc. it is hard when your partner doesnt want to as we are constantly told men think about it every so many seconds! not living together i would think would make it better but after 3 years together i think the 'spark' goes for most people unless they work at it or are both very highly sexed. just my opinion. even if its hard try not to initiate sex for a while and see what happens, that could be hard for you (it is for me too!) but may reap results.

as far as his family is concerned that just may be the way he is, he may not be close to them.

it does sound as though he has unresolved feelings for his ex, not necessarily that he wants her back. he should be honest with you though and if you want more than he is offering then maybe start to make more of a life for yourself away from him. i was reading a review of a book on amazon the other day and although it isnt related to your problem interestingly it did say that if you have been with a man for over 18 months and they havent proposed the chances of them doing so go down dramatically. 3 years together and not wanting to commit enough to live together i would say he has committment issues and not just to you so dont take it personally.

i am reading a book called 'how to break your addiction to a person' by howard m halpern at the moment to help my own relationship issues. it may help you if you are into that sort of thing. it has some really good insights into behaviour. im not saying your addicted to him but you may recognise some behaviour patterns in both of you that you are not happy with.

hope you get some more male responses and good luck.

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supdoc
Posts: 18
(@supdoc)
Active Member
Joined: 13 years ago

Most of womans seek for money.
Most of mans seek for beautiful womans.
Is that hard to understand?
Finding your "soul mate" it's not that easy...

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premiertrained
Posts: 33
(@premiertrained)
Eminent Member
Joined: 13 years ago

Most of womans seek for money.
Most of mans seek for beautiful womans.
Is that hard to understand?
Finding your "soul mate" it's not that easy...

what does all that mean???

Karen.
i have read quite a few books from "feel the fear and do it any way" and a few self help books and in most of them they encourage you to make lists to evaluate what you have got, but i think you have answered yourself in your initial letter. my advise if its worth anything is dont take to long to decide if you are being taken for an idiot..

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star99
Posts: 2349
(@star99)
Noble Member
Joined: 13 years ago

Most of womans seek for money.
Most of mans seek for beautiful womans.
Is that hard to understand?
Finding your "soul mate" it's not that easy...

Yes, can you explain please??

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beckyboop922
Posts: 1458
(@beckyboop922)
Noble Member
Joined: 19 years ago

I may be wrong Star99 (I hope I am) but this just looks like a post intended to wind everyone up, don't give him the satisfaction hun.

Love

Rebecca x

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karenj04
Posts: 42
Topic starter
(@karenj04)
Eminent Member
Joined: 19 years ago

Thank you for all your replies. Just to let you know what has happened since I posted. Well we had a very honest conversation and as I had guessed he still had feelings for his ex. I told him that i suspected that he was hoping for some sort of reconciliation wth her even if it wasn't a conscious thought. He agreed so we have decided to split and although he wanted to stay friends I told him that I think we need space and maybe one day we will be able to be friends but at the moment no. It has to be a complete break where he gets his head sorted out.

So where does that leave me well firstly I am going to concentrate on finding a job - Got made redundant last year. I am going to sort out all my paperwork and bills out. Then I am going to organise and decorate my house so that when the housing market is better I can put the house for sale and move. Going to stay off the booze and cigs and be healthy. Start to train for a trek that i want to do next year for the children in crisis charity.Take my children on holiday, change my car, have applied to university to do a part time evening course so I can change career from accountant to solicitor and most important to really enjoy being single for a while and work on my self esteem.

Thank you again

Karen xx

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Maeshadow
Posts: 534
(@maeshadow)
Honorable Member
Joined: 14 years ago

Thank you for all your replies. Just to let you know what has happened since I posted. Well we had a very honest conversation and as I had guessed he still had feelings for his ex. I told him that i suspected that he was hoping for some sort of reconciliation wth her even if it wasn't a conscious thought. He agreed so we have decided to split and although he wanted to stay friends I told him that I think we need space and maybe one day we will be able to be friends but at the moment no. It has to be a complete break where he gets his head sorted out.

So where does that leave me well firstly I am going to concentrate on finding a job - Got made redundant last year. I am going to sort out all my paperwork and bills out. Then I am going to organise and decorate my house so that when the housing market is better I can put the house for sale and move. Going to stay off the booze and cigs and be healthy. Start to train for a trek that i want to do next year for the children in crisis charity.Take my children on holiday, change my car, have applied to university to do a part time evening course so I can change career from accountant to solicitor and most important to really enjoy being single for a while and work on my self esteem.

Thank you again

Karen xx

Well done you!! Bet you will feel a lot better from a few changes in your life.

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gorseflower
Posts: 986
(@gorseflower)
Prominent Member
Joined: 14 years ago

All the best with your rebirth, Karen!
Love,
Sarah x

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vicki
Posts: 807
(@vicki)
Prominent Member
Joined: 19 years ago

karen

i admire your new outlook. hope it all works out for you, keep strong 🙂

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alexdrum111
Posts: 3
(@alexdrum111)
New Member
Joined: 11 years ago

by goldenroot

first of all you have to analyze his positive and negative aspects directly or indirectly then ask him to tell their negetive aspects. if he tells u all those points that u have analyse then he is the right one.[url] http://[/URL]

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