Daughter Stealing - HELP!!!

RE: Daughter Stealing - HELP!!!

Just to say, Emma, that I think you are doing the right thing. Don't overlook it. Make sure she knows the seriousness of what she's doing, Keep talking to her and she will break down about it. She's only 10 and she's obviously from a loving background, so she's no hard nut. Perhaps a little of this is about attention.
I've had to go through this with two of my boys. The oldest one is 21 and is now as honest as the day the is long. The youngest is 16 and we have a way to go.
I think you should keep a weather eye on your purse and it's contents.
Never give her the benefit of the doubt on this matter. Always get to the bottom of any incident.
Give her a minimumamount of pocket money just for being your daughter.
Anymore than that is attainable through tasks - set up a chart in a prominent place.
Love her anyway, no matter what she does, and tell her you love her, and show her physically. That's the bottom line. Sharon. xx

RE: Daughter Stealing - HELP!!!

Wise advice from Sharon.

I also would recommend that you give her a little pocket money, she is now old enough to have some of her own money and it will teach her about money management.

I remember an occasion when my partners step-brother stole something from a national trust place we had gone to visit. Their solution was to start giving him pocket money, as previous to that they weren't giving him anything - he never stole anything again.

Perhaps if you give her the minimum amount of pocket money, it will act as an incentive for her to do more around the house to earn a little extra.

Love
Rosi x

RE: Daughter Stealing - HELP!!!

hi emma [sm=wave.gif]

does your daughter have friends who themselves have pocket money or seem to have the latest things? i've got a daughter the same age who likes to keep up with the latest trends of the playground and although i refuse to buy whatever is in vogue, i will allow her to buy it out of her pocket money. ( she gets £6-00 a month). on the rare occasions where something is a few pounds more, i will lend her the shortfall but it is dedcuted out of the follwing month as this gives a sense of the value of money.

none of my children earn their pocket money, simply because i have a thing about doing housework " my way" BUT should any of them deliberately ruin either my, or their siblings property, the cost comes out of the pocket money. this in turn teaches them that they have to be responsible for their actions.

i agree with sharon in regard of allowing your daughter some pocket money and everything else she has suggested. 😀

warm wishes- calla lily x

RE: Daughter Stealing - HELP!!!

Im sorry I have not followed your story from the beginning and I know that I do not know you but the title of your post caught my eye.
I dont mean to sound insensative to what you are going through but you must nip this in the bud and maybe by walking on eggshells around her is not the way to go.

I would NOT give her any pocket money if she refuses to earn it. She is learning that she can scare you into giving it to her.

If it were my daughter ( and it just may be someday as my daughter is only 5) I might worry she is doing it for attention OR has some kind of phycological issues behind it. She is 10 years old she knows right from wrong. Have you spoken to a child phsycologist about this?

I will also admit to you that when I was 12 years old I did things like that because my friends did it. Then we started shoplifting. Then we got caught. I cant even to this day, take a free sample of something from the supermarket without feeling slightly guilty.
I remember the thrill of getting away with being sneaky and I remember the total FEAR when we got caught.

Maybe you can scare her. I know it sounds bad but you dont REALLY have to call the police the next time you find something missing..you can pretend.

Again I am sorry if I sound insensative but hiding all your money will not solve the problem because if she is having a cleptomaniac urge she will find other things to start to take and not just coins.

RE: Daughter Stealing - HELP!!!

Hi Emma,

What a difficult situation!!

My children get pocket money, but it works like this We have a fixed amount every week and at the end of the week we have room inspection!! if their rooms are tidy they get a bonus, and if they have helped they get another one, this stimulates my children and got them to participate in helping, and keeping their room tidy!!

Hope that you will find a solution soon

Thinkerbell

RE: Daughter Stealing - HELP!!!

Hi Emma

Oh my heart goes out to you.

I've been through this nightmare scenario twice with my teenage son; the first time involved him stealing money from my bank account (not quite as cut-and-dried as it may seem) and the second time was over a more prolonged period of time. On both occasions it was due to peer pressure, 'tho admittedly he was a couple of years older than your daughter when he started to have "sticky fingers".

I agree that you need to stick firm and not let her get away with it at all - and very much agree that you do NOT give her the benefit of doubt; however, what I also found very helpful was to make a point of keeping your handbag (with purse inside) with you AT ALL TIMES - when you get up to go to the kitchen, even when you visit the bathroom. And let her know why you are doing this. (Also, if there is no temptation, she can't do steal). I know this is a bind at first, but soon it gets to be second nature. Although your children don't let it show, they are so ashamed when they see you do this - its an absolute show that you cannot trust them and they have to realise that part of a loving relationship is to show respect and trust; when they let you down, they have to know how badly they have hurt you.

When you are settled down one evening and there are no stresses, try to find out whether she is under any pressure from friends. Is she potentially being bullied at school? (as my son was). Discuss your disappointment with her about the stealing episode. If all is still calm, maybe also then discuss - as a family - the idea of pocket money. Weekly, preferably, as a month is a very long time to such a little person (i.e. £1.50 per week?)! But do remind her that this is based upon her either keeping her room tidy or (as in my case) doing jobs around the house each week. If they don't get done, a proportion of the money is not given.

Above all, remind her that although you are deeply disappointed, you still love her and are always going to be there for her.

I ended up having to buy a filing cabinet for my own peace of mind ... but after a terrifying episode late last year, my son finally learnt the error of his ways and is now back to the darling son I always knew was still lurking somewhere, someone I can be very proud of - and can gradually learn to trust again.

I hope that things get better for you all, soon.

Bright blessings

Moonpoppy
[sm=sandrine.gif]

RE: Daughter Stealing - HELP!!!

Thank you all soooo soooo much for your wonderful responses... I'm absolutely exhausted after having another difficult day with my daughter. At the moment I can barely stand to be around her, she told her brother that she wished he was dead for no reason whatsover and she was so cold and refused to apologise or take it back. Although this is just one in a long line of disrespect etc shown today! Would take me all night to explain the rest.

I feel as though I am slowly losing control and wished I had been firmer yesterday.

New day tomorrow and I'll respond again then. I plan on sleeping well tonight and spending some time alone with her in the morning to get to the bottom of everything.

The room inspection sounds a good idea as that was a big problem today - she refused full stop to tidy her room, yet then demanded to go and rent a dvd. oh so much went on today i can barely believe it!

Anyway bed calls. thanks again!!!!!!!!!!! xxxxxxxxx

RE: Daughter Stealing - HELP!!!

Hi Emma
Its a very difficult position you're in & I understand why you feel she doesnt earn her pocket money. What I do with mine is give them pocket money each week ( a set amount ) but then if chores arent done I deduct money from them. If things go missing like sweets from onr brother to another , the person that took it has to replace it twice.

I do feel at 10 that your daughter needs some form of finincial independance, so she can learn the meaning and value of having money and either loosing it or having to part with it throught punishment.

Love & blessings Maria xxx

RE: Daughter Stealing - HELP!!!

hi Aroma -from your second post she sounds troubled and defensive, hence she'sverbally attacking her brother.She's done something very wrong and her brother isher rival (there is nothing quite so pure and unfettered as the feelings we have for our siblings whether it's love, jealousy, hate - whatever) so he gets it. IMO she is behaving like a perfectly normal child - she's not an angel, but certainly shouldn't be reported to the police!
There were times when mine were growing up when I intensely disliked my children for their behaviour. I had to force myself to love them, and that meant putting my arms around them even if they were lashing out, just for a short while and telling them I loved them, even if I didn't mean it at the time. And during that process something got through to them, (and to me), they felt secure again, at least in my love, (who knows what's happening to them in the playground?) and things calmed down again until the next time. In the end they grew out of it, grew up and now they are leaving. Their childhoods are really so very short and so very precious. She's only 10. Just love her.

Moonpoppy my heart goes out to you, and him. I hope all goes well from now on.

RE: Daughter Stealing - HELP!!!

Hi Emma,

Does your daughter ONLY steals at home (or in school, shops as well) ?

Stealing in children is very often seen asan attention seeking behaviour and also there is some reseach and evidence that children, who only steal at home have experienced some sort of loss, grief, trauma, injustice . This can even be something really insignificant for an adult, but a child may perceive it differently. It could also be a death, divorce, separation, moving house, new school, loss of a pet or favourite toy, etc.

NB - I would also give her pocket money regularly -partly because other children around her may get some and she may perceive it unfair that she does not get any.

Partly I feel giving pocket money can be a show of unconditional love- somethingshe may need right now.

andre

RE: Daughter Stealing - HELP!!!

Hi Emma,

It does sound as if you daughter is upset about something.

I took money from my mum for most of my teenage years, firstly coins, then graduated to notes, I also stole clothing and denied I had it.

I'm not suggesting that your daughter has these issues but I was deeply unhappy, my parents had a messy divorce and I didn't get the attention I wanted from my mum, I did'nt care that I took money from her as I felt it was the minimum that she owed me, I also didn't have enough money to get things I needed/wanted.

I have never shop lifted or stolen from anybody else, and would never consider it, I would obviously never take from my parents now.

Please try and talk to your daughter about it, she is only 10 afterall, why would she take money from you other than for attention, or does she have a genuine need for the money, i.e. I needed to buy clothes in the hope that I wouldn't be bullied as harshly.

Good luck - it's hard being a parent isn't it

Love SaffronXX

RE: Daughter Stealing - HELP!!!

Hi Aroma - have you thought about working with an appropriate therapist to get to the root of this behaviour? There are many great techniues that can be used with children - do let me know if you would like to know any more 😉

RE: Daughter Stealing - HELP!!!

As upsetting as it is for you, I think it's just a phase that most kids go through at about her age whether they have a troubled family life or not - it's part of pushing the boundaries. It will pass, she just needs lots of reassurance that she is loved and special and you will always be there for her.

I don't think she needs a therapist JUST yet! 😉

RE: Daughter Stealing - HELP!!!

I agree with Rosi and Amber lady and great deal of the other good advice given.

Yes, stealing can be part of growing up and learning boundaries, it is also attention seeking. Yes we can honour our children by giving them pocket money, after all why should we have what they do not? This is something they do not understand very well until about the age of 12 when they are more able to rationalise the situation. Stealing is usually done on impulse due to their own unmet wants, needs and desires - they usually grow out of it and it resolves itself quickly when you do not put temptation in the way. The worst situation is when their friends start stealing in shops and they go along for the ride.

The word 'control' came up in your words and that screamed out to me.......

How about treating your child as your equal and speaking to her as if she is your best friend instead of trying to control her. Ask yourself what would you do and say if it was your best friend? How would you communicate from the heart about how this situation makes you feel? Without blame or condemnation you can reach the heart of this sensitive child, try to explain to her how stealing makes you feel and try empowering her by asking her to come up with a solution. Her solution maybe pocket money and then you can enter a dialog that can hopefully be beneficial to both parties.

While you seek to control there will always be a battle of wills, when you surrender control you are able to meet on a heart level, consistency is crucial to success with this method of engaging with children in equality.

Children love us beyond measure let us honour that love and resolve situations with love replacing control and the battle of wills.

When we meet the needs of the child instead of getting them to meet our needs all is well, and in our heart of communication and giving from the heart they learn this also.

Divine Love

PS One last question, do you have the humility to be humble in the presence of this sacred child? Can you kneel before her and join with her soul in oneness?