Step children

Hi Ellie,

Well it is a difficult thing when you have extended family, i think maybe you either hit it off or you dont.

I'm not sure of your situation, but from experience it can be awkward. Just treat carefully. although after six years you sound as if you have been.

My daughters have taken to my 'new' husband really well and their attitude is 'well as long as you are happy mom'. So i suppose i am lucky there. But they are in their twenties.

On my husbands side though it was a little more difficult, different circumstances, we took his son on holiday and seemed to get on really well at first, but then things went down hill fast and it was no fault of ours really, i think he was still coping with the family split which is always so difficult.

Good luck

hi i have been mum to two step children for about 10 years and it has not been a postive experience i tried everything even putting them before my kids but eventally i gave up i had my husbands mother and sisters sticking there noses in basi cally telling the boys not to listen to me as i was not their mam then went something did go wrong i was to blame i also haad my husbands exs familey doing the same but i did try and i shead many a tear over them but you can only do so much and you have to finally say enough, but at times the situation nearly split my husband and i up

Interesting - my is not the most positive experience I feel like (and not through want of trying) that the relationship has never developed, it was better in the beginning actually but then not sure what happended.

Its a strange, one as in fact I am only 11 years older so always felt we come maybecome more friends than anything else.

If I discuss the matter with my partner then its not really my point of view he see's which I can understand in a way, but feel he should support more in the situation sometimes.

I think I have come to the conclusion this the way things will stay....

Ellie

Wspeaking as a grown-up step child. I have no problems at all with dad's new wife, or her kids (I get on very well with her daughter, who still semi-lives with them; don't know the son so well).
We'll never be actual friends, but there's no hassle, no problems and no disrespect (though I get the impression she feels offended that we won't actually be friends - but then, she's EXTREMELY close to her kids, and from a mutch closer family unit - can't understand why my brother and I don't phone dad daily, let alone how we can not care about father's day).

We still get a lot of hassle from mum, and things are awkward on that side. She really can't understand why Rich and I aren't actively trying to sabotage dad's subsequent relationship, and how we're so accepting of the situation. She quotes friends of hers who's adult kids cut off their father when he went off with someone else. My reply to her (and is relevant here) is that the kids may be adult, but their not acting it. An adult accepts the world as it is, and should be able to accept the views of others. Railing against reality, and trying to force it the way you think it should be, sounds very childish to me.

Bit of a harsh view I feel. But we are free to say what we feel, so are you saying I should not try to pursue any relationship?

I think what I am trying to get across as well is that I feel they do not treat their Father (my partner) with respect and thoughtfulness at times.

I guess I base this on my upbringing and how I treat my family and friends.

Ellie

i also feel that my husbands children from his first marrige do not respect there father they only turn up when they want money from him they very rarely pay it back even though they are both working sometimes i find it so hard to keep quite but now and again i tell them how i feel about them behaving like that but i surpose as long as my husband lets them get away with it they will continue with it

ps ellie just do what you feel is write because it is very rare that children young or adult will accept their parents new partner deep down they always hope that their parents will get back together

what I'm mostly saying is not to get offended on your partner's behalf unless he feels offended by it. All families have different dynamics; and if that's how they work, then so be it. However hard you try, you'll always be an outsider in that family unit (the formative years are just that). You can be fully accepted, but if you interfere, and tell them that they're doing it all wrong, then you won't be doing anyone any favours.
Case in point, my brother and I got a right telling off for not even calling him on Dad's day this year. We never have before, we've never cared, we've never even done anything for mum's day, which at least has some tradition to it. Dad's new wife then got told off for stepping out of line (and Rich's wife, who took the message got really quite upset about the whole thing) - it's just different family dynamics; if they've been that way for 30 years, then they're not going to change overnight (or indeed, ever)

Thanks Crystal Rose - I know what you mean re the financial side, etc. But they this is my partners choice.

BIA - As you say it could be like this always and thanks for your comments.

Ellie x

I'm sorry if what I've said sounded harsh, by the way. But I hope that it helps to understand where they're coming from a little.

Stepchildren

Hi

I know I have raised this subject before, and without wanting to be judged, can anyone help.

I really, really have done everything I can to develop a relationship with my partner's daughter but have come to the conclusion it just isn't working. I am actually upset and finding it hard to put into words, but after a recent meeting realise I am dealing with a very selfish person, who now for some reaons wants nothing to do with any family members.

Ellie x

Sorry Ellie for being not so helpful, I'm with my partner for about 7 years now and we've come from whole family. But I have some friends with relationship with someone belongs to broken family, they mostly spend times outside and always wanted out.

ellie i am afraid you can only try when you feel that you can go no further with them it is time to preserve yourself, i had it for years and no matter what i did it was never enough the point was i was not their mother and they did not want me what ever happens it is never right for all of you but if is making you that upset now it is time to pull back you cannot do more look after those who want you as long as you can walk away knowing you did your best then that is fine best of luck ellie and know you have done what you can and if she is that selfish she cannot even do anything for her dad she would be of no loss to any of you

Hi Ellie,

I have experience in this; really the lesson I learned is ageless ... "Love is the answer" ... after that it is a case of choosing a distance from which to love from ... for some relationships it is very close and for others it is very far ... be wherever harmony sets in ... and it will set in.

Perhaps you are "trying" to hard ... and my final offering is "silence is golden" ... my partner and I practise this a lot and it does work wonders ... it may seem odd at frst but by going silent (and inside) the reverberations of your positive intentions will be all the louder.

some people are spoiling for a fight ... just stand in silence and smile your love.

xoxo

Jim