Dealing with a person with different views ?

RE: Dealing with a person with different views ?

I find it really hard to speak my mind at times like that, although i'm not shy.
A few years ago i met my best friend from my school days & things had changed
& we had the catch up chat & i just sat there thinking ''what am i doing here'',
take it she must have felt the same as neither of us have been in touch since.

Happygirl i would have probably done the same as you but later kicked myself for not saying anything (just being honest).........don't you hate that feeling when you go home & think (why didn't i say that....& oh i should have said that).

Are you going to see her again?

RE: Dealing with a person with different views ?

Well, I wouldnt challenge anyone on that if they had been drinking, you dont know where it might have led, people can be volatile with drink in them.
Also, on issues such as race/immigration, people can have beliefs that are entrenched and its very hard to challenge these.
I live in North Lanarkshire and a number of Congolese refugees have arrived in the Motherwell area and already there has been fuss made regarding them being allocated homes while other people are still on the waiting list.
These people have been subject to rape, violence, torture in their homeland. There are also Polish people who live in my area which I might add is 25 per cent full because no one wants to live there.
It is entirely your choice as to whether you wish to disclose to your friend your background and/or challenge her, its also your choice as to whether you wish to see/speak to her again.

RE: Dealing with a person with different views ?

To be honest I don’t know if I will see her again. I didn’t really think about things (whether I’d see her again etc) before I went for the meal. Trouble is – she does want to see me again and had invited me over to stay (even though I live only 5 minutes away by car) so that I can have a few drinks. She has also suggested me taking days off work so that we can go shopping together etc. To be honest I don’t want any of this. Apart from the fact that we disagree about immigration – we also have different lifestyles. She is divorced and has never worked- she lives off an inheritance and divorce settlement – and fills her day shopping, meeting friends etc. I have a full time job, see other friends and will be doing a lot more sport in the future (I’m having a minor op and cortisone injections soon so that I can resume the sports I did do previously). Also my “holidays” from work are “spoken for” (e.g. I’m going on holiday after my op, am having changes to my house done this summer etc) and are precious to me, so don’t particularly like the thought of wasting my days off to traipse round the shops with her. I don’t mind meeting up for the odd cup of coffee but I don’t really want to be her best friend.

I just feel annoyed that people can be so rude. I tend to keep my thoughts to myself anyway, so don’t relish hearing other people’s offensive tirades and being put in a situation where I feel awful. I just found it astounding that someone who is the descendent of a refugee (on her father’s side) and whose mother is Spanish can be so vociferous against people coming to live in the UK.

RE: Dealing with a person with different views ?

Hi Happygirl

Think I'd done the same as you and kept quiet about my feelings on immigrants in the UK, especially after several drinks. I've become to believe that most anti immigration people are not from here anyway and that most true brits are welcoming other cultures. Think that she may have a problem with accepting that she's not a real blood British born and that the anti immigrant thing could be her way of covering up her feelings.

Don't know what to suggest about not seeing your old friend but being that you work and holidays are already sorted there are excuses in those facts, so you will not lie whenthey ask you to stay. May be you could say to her that your'e sorry but you do not agree with her thoughts on immigrants and you would sooner you both went your separate ways while you are still friends.

Wishing you all the best and just think there are many people that agree with you on this subject than your friend.

Love and hugs [sm=grouphug.gif]

Cis

RE: Dealing with a person with different views ?

happygirl, as others have said here, I think you were wise to keep quiet in the situation that you were a guest in this woman's house and sharing a meal, and even more so that she'd had one or two too many!

However, if you'll forgive me, I do see a bit of a contradiction in your first post here:

So when she was having these "rants"I just kept quiet. Afterwards i thought - well she obviously doesn't care about upsetting people (although she didn't know about my ex - fiance) and I felt annoyed with myself for not "sticking up for myself" and telling her that her opinions really offended me. I felt as if I'd let myself and my ex-fiance down by not challenging her.

If you kept quiet ... which you did ... how could she possibly have known she was upsetting you? She might have been really sorry if she knew she'd inadvertently done that.

Perhaps the thing to do, if meeting her for a coffee, is to broach the subject again and explain how you felt? Maybe agree to disagree on this thorny subject?

She does strike me, from what you have said, as a rather lonely, needy figure, in spite of her money and lifestyle. Such people can have a tendency to 'latch on' to others, and if you tell her quite truthfully that you don't have spare time for the shared activities she suggests, you'll have a clear conscience while keeping your distance. Unless you want to sever all ties with her. That's your choice really.

Hope this helps.

Holistic

RE: Dealing with a person with different views ?

Alcohol can also make people say and do things that in the cold light of day they wouldnt. Doesnt excuse it but it does happen.

RE: Dealing with a person with different views ?

Hi,

Thanks for all your suggestions.

Holistic - reading over what I wrote does seem a bit confusing but i guess what i was trying to say is that if you talk about extreme things then you could end up upsetting someone even though you don't know their beliefs/background. For example I could have a conversation with someone I didn't know (picked at random on a street) and not upset them by steering clear of controversial subjects. As an example I could talk about how wonderful I thought Helen Mirren was in playing the "Queen". Nobody would really be offended by that - they may disagree with me especially if they thought Helen Mirren had done a bad job in portraying the Queen however I guess I'd be on fairly safe ground. However if I told someone something that was potentially controversial (such as immigration) then, depending on that person's views,there may be fair chance that that person could be offended.

RE: Dealing with a person with different views ?

Hi happygirl - I get the impression that in the intervening years you have both gone your separate ways, and other than what you did in your teens, you have very little in common now. I would be vague about possible future get-togethers - either be booked up, or doing something else.
I met up with an old school friend in 2002. We hadn't seen each other since we walked hand in hand out of the Junior School gates on the last dayin July 1965! I had fond memories of the school and the people in it, this particular friend was my 'bestestfriend' and had been since Infants school in 1959- I had spent may happy hours playing at her house, and was always made welcome by her family - I remember that everyone was scared of her Dad. I'd kept all the school and event photos etc. In 1965 we moved away from the area, andI didn't see anyone again. When I met up with her (2002 - she found me on Friends Reunited), I discovered our paths through life couldn't have been more diverse! She was on husband No4 (I'm still on No1!). She had never worked. Had 5 children, all by different fathers (!!!) - hated everything and everyone that didn't agree with her - was/is racist - & a biggot. The list goes on. All this gleaned from an afternoon in a cafe in a local town. I couldn't wait to get away. When she suggested that we get together with our husbands I just said 'maybe'. She has since left a couple of messages, but I never responded. I think past memories should stay where they are.
If you met her as a 'new' person now, and discovered her views, would you chose to spend time with her in the future? I know I wouldn't.

RE: Dealing with a person with different views ?

Happygirl
I wonder if your reluctance to spend more time with this person is solely to do with her views on immigration. do you agree with the opinions of all your family and friends? I doubt it hun,few of us do. Maybe you are a little less tolerant due to the fact that the friendship is renewed rather than having been ongoing. I have widely differing opinions on many subjects to those of my closest and dearest friend, but we accept that and do not try to gag each other. We listen, we explain our point of view, we discuss things, and often come to an understanding of each others point of view.
As for controversial subjects, well if we don't discuss them how are we to get a full understanding of anything, sometime by discussing a controversial subject we may obtain information that may alter the way we think about something, how often do you hear someone say..well I didn't know that, if I had known that I would have..... so you see although the timing of your friends opinions may have been a little innapropriate(wish we had spell check[&:]) she most likely felt comfortable with you (plus a little drink;)) enough to express herself.
Either you like the girl but don't agree with everything she says, or you feel you both have nothing in common and you don't feel comfortable in her company.
Sweetheart maybe you should give it one moretry, as said on here earlier, just go for coffee, see how it goes.
Who knows she could turn out to be the best most supportive friend you ever had.

RE: Dealing with a person with different views ?

I know what you mean (la touche agreable) but i think because she was so aggresive in the way she said it - I just felt i had to keep quiet. Know what you mean by having differences of opinions. I havea friend who buys playboy stuff for her daughter (with the bunny logo on)- don't agree with it myself in fact I hateit but we're friends and the daughter isn't mine at the end of the day.I'd have real probs being friends with someone who is a member of the KU Klux Klan (is this how it's spelt ?)though. As it was an initial meeting after so long it was unwise of her to start on controversial issues. Also i felt it was so unfair - after all she wouldn't be here if the UK hadn't given asylum to her grandfather - he may have ended up the the concentration camps along withmillions of others. So I simply can't understand why she is against allowing others to come to safety when her family were allowed here.

RE: Dealing with a person with different views ?

If someone makes you feel uncomfortable hunni you have every right to notto be in their company, I can see how you are torn, but like I said before you have to base your decision on wether or not you meet up again, on if you enjoy her company, she may have had a bad experience that week, her rant may not have been a normal thing for her, maybe it's a certain kind of immigrant she is feeling hostile towards (lets face it they are not all running from rape and torture).
I have to confess I rant too sometimes, Teachers, Town hall clerks, Doctors, Teenagers, If one of them has upset me this week they are all vilified for the rest of the week:D., But I get over it and soon go back to loving the world and everyone in it. As for her grandad being an immigrant I suppose if she and her parents were born here, she is right she is a brit and rightly feels protective of her country, even if she is ill informed, or maybe just wound up on that particular day,as I don't know exactly what she said I am inclined to think her attack was aimed at the people who have come here purely to suck what they can from another country, not those who come here to escape violence and terror(there is a difference.)
Don't be upset by her opinion, it is not aimed at you, it's simply how she feels, and unfortunatly that day she felt the need to voice her opinion.
If you like her, meet again, if you don't like her don't meet again.
Just remember ifyouare expected to listen to her opinion, then she should be expected to listen to yours.
You soundlike a real sweetheart, maybe you would be a good influence on her.[sm=hug.gif]

RE: Dealing with a person with different views ?

Thank you la touché agreable.

I suppose I was annoyed as she made no differentiation between immigrants with skills who make a huge contribution to our society and the ones who don’t. Also at the end of the day I was a guest in her house and yet she made me feel so bad that I just wanted to burst into tears. It wasn’t the right conversation for a relaxing evening and I didn’t need it after a long week at work (if you know what I mean). As well as my ex-fiance, I have many friends from other countries and to be honest many of them have been better friends than some of the Brits. At the end of the day there’s good and bad in every race and society. Without getting into a debate of what makes a person British (I really don’t want to even go there !!! ) I guess she’s British by birth but with a Spanish (born and bred) mother and a father who was born here by an English mother and a German father. As Cis said - it may be a sense of insecurity. At the end of the day she wouldn’t like it if someone accused her of not being “properly” British and that she had no right to be here. People in glass houses.

I will probably end up having a coffee with her (To be honest I really haven’t got the time for any more) but if all this nonsense starts up again I’ll be off.

Love to everyone [sm=love-smiley-009.gif]